adoption after biological child?

crystalpopcorn

Hi there.  I have never posted on this board.  I have a couple of questions, and I really hope that I do not offend anybody.   I am very lucky to have a beautiful 8 month old baby boy.  As grateful as I am, I am also sad that I will never be able to carry another child.  I am an only child, and  would really like my son to have a sibling.

We are at least a couple of years away from looking into anything seriously, but I am trying to plant the adoption seed in my husband's head now.  We had a brief discussion about it.  He said he doesn't think he could care about an adopted baby as much as he cares about our son.  I am glad he was honest with his feelings, but it really surprised me.  I guess I hadn't thought about that.  There is no way I would bring another child into our home if he or she wouldn't be loved equally.

Have any of you adopted after having a biological child? If so, what have your experiences been?  Has it been easy for you to love them equally? Did any of you have these same concerns before adopting?  How did you overcome them?

Like I said, I really hope this doesn't offend anyone.  I am genuinely curious what your experiences have been.

Thanks in advance. 

CaptainSerious

We planned to adopt after having a biological child, but after taking stock of our circumstances, we decided the time was right to adopt first.  However, I asked many of the same questions you are asking now.

The people I've met who have done both have honestly said that once the child is in your home, it doesn't mater--it's your child, and their adoption/birth is just the way they came to you.  One of my coworkers who tried infertility treatments after her fist biological child and before adopting was really concerned about this, and decided to make a conscious effort to self-observe her behavior and feelings.  She was determined to wipe out any non-deliberate or subconscious favoritism, and told me that she was honestly somewhat surprised to find that there was none.  It was so "natural" with her adopted son, she thought of him just the same as she did her biological son.

As for me, I've been pondering adoption as a real possibility since I was a teen.  So I grappled with these questions all along the way, but it wasn't until I was actually ready to have children that my answer became really clear.  I want to parent children...not necessarily birth them.  I realized that I have no strong desire to have a biological link to my children.  I just want to nurture them and raise them into wonderful, loving, upstanding adults.

My husband and I understand that by adopting first we may never conceive, and we are okay with that.  I sometimes wonder what pregnancy would be like to experience, but to be honest, I've never had a strong desire to find out (I still don't)!  My curiosity is sort of along the same lines as I wonder what it might feel like to be a man at times.  Obviously, it's not something I really wish for, just something I think about sometimes.

I think you have to each reflect on these issues by yourselves and as a couple.  It seems the only way to know what will seem right for your family.  There are no stock answers, you just have to figure out what's right for you.

I know there are some good books about this very topic out there, and that some of the other women on this board traveled your same path.  They may be able to point you in the direction of a book that might help you and your husband work through your questions and feelings on the topic.  A good place to start might be https://www.perspectivespress.com/index.php.

Whatever you and your husband decide, I wish you the best.  Feel free to stick around and bounce ideas off us anytime.  We're a pretty laid-back bunch here.

candm

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We are in that position. We accepted our adoption referral for a 6 year old boy and 3 year old girl (bio siblings?now 7 and 4) 4 days before we found out I was pregnant (which was also happy news). DD is now 9 months old. I met our adoptive son and daughter shortly after our referral and instantly fell in love with them. But I also know that our adjustment period is going to be HARD after they come home (especially since they are older). I do worry that it will take a little longer to feel as strong a love for them as for my daughter that?s already at home, but I also feel that is natural. I did not love my bio daughter as much the first day we brought her home as I do today, 9 months later. I do not expect to love our adoptive children as much the first day we bring them home as I will 9 months later. These things take time. I do expect to love all my children equally though for I feel that they are all equally my children and equally precious little individuals. I cannot imagine any other way.

 

I wish I had some good advice for you. I think it is very likely your husband would develop as strong a love for any adopted child. I think from his perspective now, it is understandable that it is hard for him to imagine loving another child as much. Heck, I often wonder if we have another bio child if I could love him or her as much as I love our daughter now?just b/c I?ve never felt such a strong love before. In reality, I know I would once I met the new child. I think every parent goes through similar feelings before welcoming a second child into their lives.

Amy720

I'm in a little bit of a different situation.  My mom adopted my brother because they told her she could never have children and then surprise I came along 4 years later.  I've always felt like he was my bio brother and my parents treated us exactly (and I mean exactly) the same.  He never felt like he was any less important because he was adopted.  My mom would always tell him he was chosen which made him extra special.

She asked him when he was 18 if he wanted to find his bio parents and he said why?  I have the best parents any one could ever ask for.

I think if you're having doubts whether you could love an adopted child the same as your bio child, you might ought to think long and hard about adopting.  Just my opinion!

crystalpopcorn

Thanks for the responses. It is nice to see that these are normal concerns to have. Like I said, we are a long way off from a decision on this. I just really want to have another baby someday and cannot carry one myself. It helps to know that there are options. Surrogacy is an option too, but I think I would be more comfortable with adoption. I really don't know yet. Amy720- there is no way we would consider adoption if we didn't think we could love the child as much. That was just my husband's initial concern, which is what prompted this post in the first place. I think it is entirely possible to love them equally. Thanks again for the responses. If anyone else has comments or experiences, I would love to hear them.

Amy720

I figured you would have no problem loving an adopted baby just like a bio. baby.  I know that my adopted son feels like a bio baby (we took him home from the hospital) to me.  I have no doubt if I ever got pregnant which would be a miracle that my first born adopted son would be extra special.

I hope you have success in whatever you decide!  Good Luck!