Adoption

what has happened...

to this board? i feel like it went from open and supportive to rude. i posted on here a while back. and got horrible responses back. in "NEST" terms i got flamed. this made me feel terrible and i am just wondering what happened to this board?

Re: what has happened...

  • Did you delete your post?  I think I remember it had to do w/A-family moving closer to you.  Is that right?

    Regardless, I am sorry you were hurt by the responses. I am fairly confident in saying that any responses were meant to be truthful not hurtful.  The composition of this board tends to be very heavy on the adoptive side of the triad.  For whatever it's worth, I think that all readers of the board need to understand that the responses will be from the perception of the adoptive parent. While all sides can try and understand each others experiences, we'll only have felt what it is like to be in our own position, whatever that may be. 

    I don't have much experience w/boards or support groups for adoption but I imagine that this sort of reaction is common.  The potential for misunderstanding will always be present within the relationships.

    Again, I don't think anyone intended on hurting you.  Rather there was hope in communicating how your A-family might perceive the situation. 

    image Best friends and sisters... 24 months and 16 months
  • i felt like that with the frist 2 responses back but the third i recieved was extremely hurtful. when i get advice i always take it with a grain of salt but i felt like the last respones was not advice rather than honestly trying to hurt me and i believe the woman who posted it has no expierence in adoption. i just feel like we all have been through this whether adoptive parents or BMs and people who have not gone through this really should not be handing out "advice" on such topics. am i wrong for feeling this way? i hope i dont get bad responses for this

    :(

  • Loading the player...
  • nicmoe, I hate to say it, but I did not respond to your post, because I could not figure out a good way of telling you what I perceived from reading it.  I have to admit, that I share some of the views of the third response you received, and although I don't agree with everything that that poster wrote, I do not believe that she was trying to hurt you.

    Honestly, and this may be tough to hear, I believe that your daughter's adoptive parents may have been "spooked" by some of your expectations of them.  People often say they will do things in moments of extreme pain or joy that, once the moment has passed and they can think things through, they no longer feel able to provide.  I have no doubt that your daughter's adoptive mother agreed to the level of openness you seek; it seems that now, however, she has reconsidered what level she is comfortable with.  I understand that this realization must be painful for you, but if you trust in their capacity to love and raise your daughter, I fear you must accept it.

    In your prior post, you stated in the same paragraph:

     * that you know they don't "owe" you anything;

    but also

     * that you feel they do because you gave them such a precious "gift" that they could other wise not have gotten.

    I believe that this sentiment was being felt by the adoptive parents, which is why they decided to seek more space.  I'm sure that, in time, the adoptive parents would have told you of their move, if not directly, than through the agency.

    Please try to take this in the vein in which it was meant.  I am not trying to hurt you, and did not respond to your first post because I didn't know how to tell you what I felt without doing so.  I am only explaining this now so you can possibly see how an adoptive parent might see the situation.

    It sounds to me like you have some unresolved issues regarding the adoption (Who wouldn't?  I fully expect that adoption will be a recurring issue in all of our lives) that you may have to work through.  I say this mainly because of the conflicted views about what the adoptive parents may or may not "owe" you and your second-guessing your choice to have them parent based on their decision to separate from you a little bit.

    Please consider this, and know that your feelings are valid.  It sounds like you just have to work through them at this juncture.

  • I know the poster who made that reply from other boards and I can guarantee she didn't say what she said to hurt you. I can see how the bluntness may have been extremely hard to swallow but I can't imagine it being done out of meanness.

    This is purely my perspective as an adopted child but IMHO, I do think the adoptive parents could be a bit spooked by certain things. I really didn't know how to phrase it. I understand that in the beginning you both wanted a very open adoption and I have no doubts that at the time, she meant it as well. It sounds as though she wanted to establish certain boundaries which, IMHO, no matter how open the adoption is understandable. I think that at the end of the day, she is also trying to do what she feels is best for her daughter. I know that hurts but I can be 99% sure she isn't doing any of this to hurt you on purpose.
     
    Adoption can be complicated and it can have some complicated emotions behind it which is why I suggested talking to a therapist who focuses specifically on adoption/family. I think you are entitled to feel how ever you want as there is not a right/wrong way to feel however, I also think that learning how to deal with those feelings in a healthy way and learning some coping mechanisms would help you. It would be awful to go through your life feeling the way you do and I can't imagine that eating at me.

    I really hope I expressed myself well as I don't want to make your hurt worse. I just think that perhaps taking a step back and talking to someone may help. I wish you nothing but the best in all of this.

  • as i stated before i am in therapy. it has helped but this is a difficult situation for any one and this is just how I feel. others may have their opinions but i guess i was just venting. i just feel like it was an attack on me and how much i love my daughter.
  • I can say with relative certainty that none of the "regulars" of this board would ever attack you for the love you feel for your daughter.  Although we are mostly at different corners of the triad, we understand that the decision you made to let someone else parent your daughter was made out of love, and we respect you for it.

    I am sorry for the hurt you are experiencing, but I do not believe that any of the posts written here were done with the intent of flaming or hurting you, or in anyway inflicting more pain.

  • I'm really sorry you feel so unsupported here.  It IS very a-family-heavy around here, and that's a shame.  We're missing two VERY important voices... bio moms and adoptees.  I wonder if you might find more support in a more "balanced" forum... not that you have to leave here though!  You might try the Soul of Adoption forums (google it... can't think of the address at the moment) to get some more firstmoms to weigh in on your questions.

    I skimmed your last post about the a-family moving, but don't see it anymore, so I assume you must have deleted it.  I didn't see the response(s?) you are talking about, so I really can't speak to that part of it.

    However, (and again, I can't remember the details of your last post... sorry about that, I hadn't had a chance to respond yet) saying you will do something and then not doing it is NOT ok in ANY relationship.  That's called lying and isn't acceptable.  If the a-family promised to do XYZ, then it IS their responsibility for them to follow through.

    This is a HUGE nerve for me, and maybe I'm totally misjudging the situation.  I hope I am wrong!  But I get really, really sick of hearing about a-families who promise the moon and stars to moms pre-relinquishment, and then suddenly have a "change of heart" afterwards.  IT'S NOT RIGHT!  If you say you are going to do something, you do it.  Period.

    nicmoe, you might check into the laws in your state to see if open adoptions are legally binding.  There aren't many, but there are a *few* states that legally require the details of an OA agreement to be met.  I don't know if your daughter's parents are trying to shut down all contact or what the deal is, so I'm not sure if that's quite the advice you were looking for or not.  Hopefully it might give you a place to start though.

    If it's just that they are pulling back but not shutting the doors completely... *sigh*  Isn't it lovely how agencies "prepare" you for this possibility?  Ugh... that's another issue.

    The a-family certainly has a responsibility to act in the best interest of their/your daughter, but that doesn't negate their responsibility to treat you appropriately.  I probably shouldn't continue because, as I said, I'm not completely aware of all the particulars.

    Page me if you want to "talk," ok?  I really hope everything works out.

  • Nicmoe, perhaps this is out-of-line, but maybe you took the responses to your first post as attacks and flames because you attack and flame posters on other boards.  It's hard to see another point of view in the well-meaning manner it was intended when you're in the habit of lashing out at those who have different views than your own.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"