Preview of things to come w/ILs — The Bump
January 2011 Moms

Preview of things to come w/ILs

Hi all - I've been on the the Bump before in TTC, but took a break during the pregnancy.  Been keeping up with your posts - I'm due January 26th.

Has anyone's in-laws started making plans with their baby, before he/she's even here?  I think it's generally cute, but my ILs came to visit over Xmas and my FIL made a comment that just irked me - perhaps a preview of things to come, or perhaps I'm just over-sensitive.

We were talking about Xmas cards with family photos in them - DH and I don't typically care for them - we send photos out of our pets in ridiculous costumes instead - but next year we want to send one out with our new son's picture in it.

FIL said that he wanted us to go to their home to have a family picture taken in front of some old bridge that's on their farm, in the fall time.  And then send that out as Xmas cards.  I replied and said, you're going to send a picture of our son as a Xmas card?  We kind of wanted to do that ourselves next year, and have that privilege first.

To which FIL replied:  Well, I'm not asking. 

To which I replied:  Well I don't fall in that category of people that you get to boss around.

He's been making comments like "Well when the grandkid comes, we're going to bring him to our house and do this, and we're going to keep him whilst you're on vacation, we're going to buy him a heifer that he can raise (WTF - we live in the suburbs??).

He used to be really overbearing with DH, until both he and I had to tell him to back off.  The last time he tried to make us do something (accompanied by the phrase "Well, I'm not asking") was about 3 years ago.  Ugh, I don't want to fight that battle again over a grandchild.

Re: Preview of things to come w/ILs

  • Yikes, it does sound like he has a tough demeanor to deal with.  Sounds like standing up for yourself is required (just make sure it doesn't actually cause a big rift). What does YH say about this interaction?
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  • Huh.  Your FIL sounds interesting.  My ILs say lots of things, but I have made it clear to them that WE are the parents and which things WE get to make decisions about.  It can be tough, though.
  • he said he wanted a family picture yet the only person in the picture to is going to be your son? if your DH supports you, i would try really hard to not let this happen just because of the way he is handling the situation, so rude. I dont have any actual advice since my IL's arent that intrusive (at least not yet) but I hate people telling me what to do, usually my reaction is ignoring them or do the opposite.
  • Wow - sounds pretty bossy to me. Good thing you stood up for yourself. There is NO reason to have grandparents send out a Christmas card with grandchild's picture on it - that's just weird. Sounds like you'll have to have a similar conversation when the time comes about him backing down (again)...but I'd give it a wait and see approach. 

    Are you planning on BF? I feel like that is a great excuse when people get overbearing - like LO can't sleep over b/c I have to BF, etc. 

  • I dealt with this for a time with my IL's - I still get the comments from them where they "try" but all it took was one time of them trying to assert themselves with my children....they now know better.  You have got to stick to your guns here, and, if it means not being so polite or nice a time or two, believe me its worth it and they get the message in the end. 

    In-the-end, this is your child and really what you say goes.  Personally I would have laughed at him and told him to try first my IL's didn't take me seriously when I told them this, it took a day for it to register that when I say something I mean it.  Then they tried to use their son - my DH - as way of getting their way as well.  Right up to the point that they realized that "Mother Bear" really does have the final say when it comes to the cubs! 


  • Im confused.  Is it a family pic including your son?  Or just a pic of your son?  I think a family pic is nice and not weird at all. 

    When my SIL had her baby a couple years ago, MIL sent out xmas cards with a pic of SIL holding the baby.  We thought it was weird because we assumed it was SIL's card until we opened it.  Now MIL is already talking about taking a pic of our baby for next years card.  DH doesnt think its that big of a deal as long as it is just the baby but its MY baby and I wanted to send out a pic next xmas too.  MIL is nice about it but kind of pushy too.  I just think its kind of weird but maybe I am overthinking it.  I know she just wants to show off her grandkids.

  • Sounds a bit like my FIL... when my first was born FIL would come over to our place at, no joke, midnight (he worked weird hours but still...) and try to stay a few hours to see "his" new baby.  Um that so wasn't going to fly.  He tried to do the guilt trip on DH but finally got the clue.  I'm just glad I now live 2,000 miles away from him.   

    Best of luck and stick to your guns! 


    Married to a pharmacist
    Mother of two boys, three girls, and one more little boy on the way!
    Two time miscarriage survivor.
    So happy to be expecting our sixth child in August 2017!

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