XP: Multiple loss ladies (long vent and ?)

samm1983

I am just so lost.  The first one was so hard and I thought I could never do this again, but my dr. said I would probably get pregnant again right away and everything would be fine. It was just out of nowhere.  I was 10 wks 4 days and suddenly I started bleeding and cramping.  It was the worst pain of my life and I was so hurt.  My perfect brother and sil found out they were pregnant for the third time the week I had my first m/c.  I was going through a lot and one night I got drunk and said some inappropriate things to my brother about how it is not fair that his wife can get pregnant by accident and someone who wants it so bad has to go through this.  Unfortunately he went and told his wife and they really don't speak to me much anymore. 

I was obviously a wreck, but got pregnant again.  I definately did not have the same excitement the second time and just thought it might not work out.  Especially because I was spotting before I even got the BFP.  I had spotting/heavy bleeding for 7 weeks straight, with u/s every week and blood draws every two days, before the doctors would finally diganose it as a BO.  They told me I could continue to wait for the m/c or take cytotec.  I chose the cytotec and had one really rough night at home.  Definately easier than the first, but still painful. 

After the second loss, I thought there is no way it is going to happen again.  I have filled my quota.  There is a less than 1% chance that anyone will have 3 miscarriages.  I had some spotting and thought AF was coming a few days before I was going to test.  I was bummed, but still felt tere was something going on.  My boobs were sore and I only get that when pregnant.  So, the night before my birthday I tested and got my 3rd BFP.  I was ecstatic.  That original excitement you feel when you first find out you are pregnant was back.  Basically everything was going well.  I had some light spotting so we had a few u/s.  We saw a reason for the bleeding and was told that would be fine and we saw a healthy growing baby with a heartbeat.  I just knew this was going to be the pregnancy that worked and this would be the baby we would take home.  My sil had her healthy baby boy last monday and I am happy that I was still pregnant and happy at that point, because I don't think I could have come to see him otherwise.  Two days later, I felt that I needed some reassurance.  I went in and they could not find a hb on the doppler.  I was not too worried because we had not had a hb on the doppler yet.  They wanted to do an u/s for later in the day, so I came back imagining how I was going to see a little one wiggling around in there.  I had crazy symptoms and I just KNEW this was my healthy baby.  My heart just broke again when they strted the u/s and I could tell the baby was not 10 weeks and the hb had stopped.  I hyperventalated and really just felt I couldn't take it.  I was the less than 1%.  I was so angry at everyone and everything.  I was told I could wait for another natural m/c or have a D&C.  I chose the D&C so that we could have testing done on the baby.  I was terrified, but it was so easy compared to my first two m/c. Physically, I feel fine. I will have my f/u appt next week and will be discussing what other testing we will do.  To make it even worse, my mom came down this week to stay with perfect sil and the new baby...she also has a 20 month old, so it's hard for her to take care of all of her children by herself.  And my mother kept calling me and telling me to come over to my sil's.  She wouldn't stop talking about how wonderful the new baby was and how he is growing so much and just amazing.  That is really not what I need to hear while I am mourning my third loss. 

I just feel like no one knows what I am going through and I don't know what to do from here.  They only thing I have ever KNOWN in my life is that I wanted to be a mom and have a family.  That's it!  Everything else can be changed or moved around.  I might never have a baby and I don't know how to deal with that.

If you have had multiple losses, how are you dealing with it?  Do you have support from people around you?  Or do they act like nothing ever happened?  What can I do to feel better?  What are you going to do in the future?  TTC again?  Wait?

Thanks for listening. It has been a long, hard year and I just needed to vent.

jam1111

I cannot help with words of wisdom from a multiple loss standpoint, but I wanted to say how sorry I am for all of your losses.  It isn't fair!  With that said, a girl I went to college with had a little girl pretty easily, then went onto have 3 miscarriages.  She eventually had a little boy (so the 4th one stuck).  Very sorry!

nancyandnate

I am so very sorry you are feeling so sad, frustrated, and unsupported. There is no easy way to deal with the losses and nobody really understands. I'm so disappointed in friends and family right now, because for the most part they feel like they just need to give me space--no phone calls, cards, emails, nothing. So yes, people act like nothing happened. Not sure if that is just easier for them or they don't know what to say or do or if they are getting to the judging point of "well, it has happened so many times, what did they expect?" As far as how I'm dealing with it, reaching out through here to other women going through it is helpful. Especially those with multiple losses. Having a blog to get all my thoughts out is helpful. I'm currently reading a book called "coming to term", which is really good so far. Making appts to take action has been good--I like to feel like I have control over something. I went to a counselor after my second one. Getting lots of love from the dog. Those are things that are helpful, but I'll forever be changed. That sense of loss will never go away, but it does get easier over time and I'm always surprised when I start to have hope again. I don't know how you deal with SIL. I have one that just had her second in 1.5 years and it is horrible. It is so unfair that they have 2 unremarkable pregnancies and 2 babies, while I have 4 pregnancies and no babies. Luckily they live 6 hrs away so it is easy to ignore them. Another thing that has been helpful to me is reading a little bit about adoption. I'm not ready to trade in this rollercoaster for that one, but it gives me reassurance that someday we'll make it to being mom and dad. It isn't for everyone though. As far as the future, I just put info in my blog on our first appt with RE yesterday. I'm feeling a little bit of "been there, done that" with the tests to find a problem, but we'll see what happens. I have a deadline in my head that I'll stop trying to get pregnant in March--that will be almost 2 years of TTC and any pregnancy after that will make me 40 if I go to term. For some reason, that just seems like a good time to cut it off. Whether I'll have a healthy pregnancy before then or additional losses, who knows. But it is nice to have a deadline. I wish I could say something that would just make it better. Just know there are others who struggle with the same things and we're all here for each other when nobody else understands.

nancyandnate

Another thing I just thought of that seems to help me....some people talk about their angel babies. I just can't deal with the thought that there are four of them. I like to think that this is the same baby trying to be born each time and he/she (this last time she) is still around, just waiting for another time to come back. Maybe it is just me, but that seems to help.

rose76

YEP, it was like you opened my brain and wrote down my thoughts. I am being told by most of my friends that "you are so strong and I admire you." However, I told one of my friends off. She had 3 kids and got PG on the first try with each one. She keeps saying, " I know exactly what you are going through...." You do? You had 3 m/c's? Mostly everyone has been ok. I spoke to my old hairdresser who had 2 m/c's with the SAME DOCTOR as me....and my best friend's sister had 3 m/c's and now she has 2 kids...I am going to call her this week. It hurts so much and whenever you think it will be different, it all has the same outcome. I was very heavy when I had my 2nd m/c, so I went to WW and lost 52 lbs, plus worked out 6 x/week. I lost 20 pts off my BMI.....I got my BFP on my anniversary....We were not trying, but not avoiding either.....It is so hard and you have every right to feel that way...and I feel resentment towards others who have had perfect pregnancies...please email me sometime

[email protected]

Rose

3 m/c's

Katie13

My heart breaks for you - I too had three mc's over the course of about a year. My first was at 6 weeks, second at 11 weeks and the third was an ectopic that required emergency surgery...

After the 3rd I was pretty numb - about everything and everyone. The only place I found support was an offshoot group on Babies on the brain, called Sticky babies, who was all women who'd had mc's...I remember posting very early one morning after my 2nd mc and just being so at the breaking point. Luckily, those women responded to me instantly, and saved from really going over the edge. I found that no one in real life understood. My mother was especially non sympathetic and my crazy sil, 3 days after my ectopic surgery, at easter dinner in front of probably 30 people, turned to me and said," So, do they know why those babies keep falling out of you?" I literally almost died. And, had I not been on pain meds, I probably would have punched her...

We saw an RE and got a diagnosis of "really, really, really bad luck." At that point I took a break from a lot of things and a lot of people. The only person I kept close to me was my DH, and I clung to him for dear life.

We were lucky. My 4th pregnancy turned out to be our sticky one, and my daughter is 16 months old. It was a difficult pregnancy stress-wise. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. It wasn't until I held her in my arms that I really let myself believe that we finally had a baby. And, I'm happy to say that my 5th pg has been sucessful as well, and my son will be born in about 5 more weeks.

It's absolutely been a marathon - unfortunately for some of us, having children has to be that hard. But I feel strongly that we WILL all get to the end someday, and that miracle baby will be worth all the heartache and hurt.

Sending you a big hug! just know that there IS hope...

samm1983

Thank you ladies for all of your kind words and sharing your experiences.  I am just having a VERY hard time right now.

jenick

I haven't had multiple losses, just one.  But I wanted to send some well wishes to you. 
  I'll keep you in my thoughts.

~jenny

MDBeachbride

I have had two not three like you but yes, it's hard.  I think you sound as if you may benefit from talking to professional.  I do think you have resentment against your SIL.  The same way it's not your fault for having issues...it's not her fault for having babies.  One of my best friends had a baby the day before I learned I had miscarried no. 2.   I am happy for her and don't hold her two happy healthy children against her. 

Honestly, I don't think people know how to talk to us.  Sure they offer us their sympathies but in reality we have to deal with this on our own.  My husband is more upset this time than the first but it's still my body that was the "host" of this tragedy.  I feel very alone but am currently using this board and others for strength.  There are so many women here that have had harder times than me and I honestly have more heartbreak for some of the stories I have read here than for my own.  If these amazing women can give it another try, get up everyday and plug along...than surely I can too. 

I hope you find the answers you are looking for and can move towards some healing.  Hugs to you for your losses. 

CMM05

Hi-

I am SO sorry for your losses.....its so hard and it just sucks.

I just had my 2nd m/c. I had my D&C last Tuesday. We had three great u/s and then the baby stopped growing at 10.5 weeks. Yes, I have a son, so I know that some people think its not the same.....but trust me, it still really hurts.

The other issue is that we don't get PG very easily. We had to use fertility treatments to have my DS and the m/c I just had was from a miracle BFP We now have to go back to the fertility doctor to get help

I'm not sure what to say except that you have to continue to try for what you want. I thought after all the hardships of having my DS, that we would be blessed with our miracle.....only to have it taken away. I am SO mad too. All of my friends get PG within 1-2 cycles of trying and NONE of them have ever had a m/c.....and here I sit mourning my 2nd.

Also, several family members know and all they keep saying is, "you'll just try again soon..." "it will happen soon." I just want to run away and cry! No one gets it....I have to remind them that not only do I need to recover from this m/c, I now have to emotionally and physically prepare for fertility treatments.

I just cry when I need to and I call/e-mail the few friends that I have that really "get it." It also helps me a lot to come on this board and "talk" to girls on here.

I'm sorry I don't have more advice....I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and it is not easy, nor is it fair. I just continue to think about all the people that are drug addicts or are so poor they can't afford to buy food, yet they get PG whenever they want and have as many babies as they want.....

I know I need to get over my anger, but like you said, its so hard and so unfair. I'm so tired of being told that the statistic is so low that I will m/c again b/c they told me that after my 1st m/c and then look what happened....

Also, everytime I see someone post about a h/b or a good u/s, (I know this is horrible....), but I think "so what." So what....I had amazing betas, three great u/s, with three strong h/b's and was sicker than a dog.....but then I m/c at 10.5 weeks.

If and when I can get and stay PG again.....the experience will never be the same. I won't feel "better" when I see a h/b or have a good u/s......it really is unfair....

Big ((((HUGS))) to you....

I hope you get some answers with the testing that they do. Have you thought about seeing a fertility specialist?? Not that anything is wrong, but often they can do more precise testing and they take better care of  you....

bridebahama

We dealt with it by getting as much testing as possible. I don't want to it to happen ever again! I really would recommend forcing your doc to do every blood test possible. We found an answer when we had our karyotypes done which my doc almost didn't test. I insisted and was right. At this point you need to know if there is an answer- having a reason is the only thing that has made me feel better. Know we know what we need to do to try and have a healthy pg. You could have an easy fixable issue like clotting and it could be fixed so it doesn't happen again. Some people really don't get it- at all. My stepmom about 3 wks after my last d&c brought me some baby magazines that she got for me- you know they had some really interesting stuff she said. UM, NO not interesting for someone still dealing with loss. My brother has recently gotten married and they want to ttc right away and it makes me feel sick and jealous that after we have been ttc for over 2 yrs that they could have a baby before me. IT really feels unfair. I don't know if any of that will change until I have a baby of my own.