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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
This situation is totally unfair, right?! (loooooong)
My SS is 5 1/2 & my DD is 14 months. Last year for for Christmas MIL got DD: like 3 outfits & a baby toy. She got SS: a Nintendo DS, accessories, like 4 games, 2 pairs of boots, about 5 outfits, other numerous small toys. I complained to DH that this was NOT fair but hoped that it was just because she was so young (only 2 months old) & she didn't know what else to get her.
So then came their birthdays: SS got about $40 spent on him (clothes, puzzles, Color Wonder sets) & DD got about $20 spent on her (a Jack in the Box & a book that talks.)
Fast forward to this year at Christmas... She asked me for a list of what the kids want. For DD I told her: LeapFrog Laptop, Little People Set, Play food, clothes 6-9 months. For SS I told her: clothes size 6, puzzles, bath toys, DS games, books, Transformers.
We did Christmas with her on the 23rd. SS opens his presents: remote control dinosaur, 4 shirts, PJs, 2 pairs of jeans, a few puzzles, a DVD, a DS game, a Wii game, cars. DD opens her presents: 2 shirts, a pair of pants, PJs, and a set of play keys.
I was furious. & when I was talking to SIL & venting she said, "Tanner (BIL) said that she does it to make up for the fact that SS is in a split family situation."
I told this to DH & he thinks it's bullshit. So do I. My mom & dad weren't together when I was younger & I always got tons of toys when I was at my dad's so my mom always gave a few *extra* small things to my half brother & sister. & I totally understand that. But I don't get MIL's reasoning that she gives SS double what she does DD because he has a split family. He was so young when DH & BM broke up that he doesn't really remember life before a "split family." & he basically already gets double with all the stuff he gets at his mom's.
WDYT?
ETA: I want to bring this up to MIL because I know by next year DD is going to realize she's getting the shitty end of the stick & SS is getting more gifts than her & I don't think that's fair to do to a kid! But I dunno WHATto say to MIL. *siggggh*
This discussion has been closed.
Re: This situation is totally unfair, right?! (loooooong)
maybe i'm in the minority here but I'm going to say it.. so what?
it's not up to you how your MIL spends her money. if she wants to spend more on one kid than another, that's her perogative.
isn't it supposed to be the thought that counts?
Me: 37
DH: 36
Married: 08-25-07
DS: 11-20-09
Name change alert: Formerly Lisswastaken
I agree. Sounds like your kids had a great Christmas.
I agree with this. Maybe as DD gets older your MIL will make things more even. If this continues when DD gets older you may consider bringing a few extra gifts for her to open if you are worried about it.
I agree that it's up to MIL how she spends her money, but the thought that counts part gets me. She's obviously giving more thought to SS's gifts than to DD's. And For now that's not really a big deal, but yes in a year DD is going to realize SS is getting more and she's not going to understand that it's because his parents split. She's just going to see it as grandma favoring SS and that will probably cause some sort of resentment, jealousy and probably sadness.
Chemical Pregnancy 10/5/10
BFP 2/7/11--m/c 2/12/11
TTD pics taken by knottie jen&louie
This is what I'm afraid of
& it would kill me to see her sad because of that. FTR: MY Mom bought SS birthday & Christmas gifts before DD was even born. Before DH I were even married. & she continues to do so. & has NEVER favored one child over the other even though DD is her biological grandchild & SS is not.
And say what? "I'm sorry, but you didn't buy the right amount of gifts for my kid?"
Gift horse....
How does this make any sense whatsoever? SS may not be YOUR biological anything but he is your MIL's biological grandson if your DH's sperm helped to create him. Ditto the pps that said it's no big deal right now. How is it that your DD is really seeing the difference? It's YOU feeling slighted for her. She doesn't get it now and won't for probably another Christmas. And yes it sucks to think that if MIL continues this DD may notice the difference. But you also can't control what MIL does. She has her justification for why she does what she does and it makes sense to her. Bringing it up makes YOU look gift grabby. As her mother what you can do is to teach your child to appreciate the spirit of Christmas and what a perfect time and example to do that. If needed, take her out for a special holiday experience just the 3 of you to make up for it. But to demand that MIL spend her money the way you want her to is being bratty despite the intentions. And in the end I know you're worried that she will feel resentment towards her grandma but how does that affect YOU? She's not going to resent you. And if MIL is willing to accept that possible consequence than so be it.
I know that..? I was saying he's not MY MOTHER'S biological grandchild.
Your dd is still a baby. Of course she gets less toys than the kid who actually understands Chirstmas.
My 12 year old dss got much pricier gifts than ds. And dd got just a few thing because she's a baby.
I got my 16 month old way more than my 2 month old. Its probably going to be like that for a couple Christmases. Oh no, that must mean I love my first child more!
No, he just can do more and I can guarantee you, Miles has no clue his older brother is getting "more" presents.
Actually your DD will not know at 26 months that she is getting the 'shitty end' of the stick. She will still be young and unless you actively pass your feelings on to her she will not know the difference. What you should say to your MIL is 'thank you for all the wonderful gifts you got us'.
I'm not saying she should get EXACTLY how much SS does. But the fact MIL continuously spends double or even triple on what child than what she does the other makes me sad for DD. & I HOPE it changes before DD realizes what's going on.
I just think that you are reading too much into it. Likely it WILL change before DD is old enough to feel slighted. But seriously, how will a child even know how much is spent on them unless the parent eludes to this?
Even when she is 5 she probably won't have a good grasp on money. At that age they mostly know quantity and quality, so if he gets 10 presents and she gets 5 then yeah I can kinda see where you are coming from, but that hasn't happened yet. Again you are borrowing trouble where there isn't any.
Oh and who are you to say she didn't put any thought into her gift. Maybe she thought DD had too many toyss, maybe she thought we would get a lot of toys for Christmas, maybe she just wanted to get her some nice PJs?
I agree with this. Be happy with what she does get and don't say anything to her.
FWIW...Monster in law does the same thing. SS is 11 and she purchased a PS3 with a lot of games, and no telling what else. LO is 12 months...she purchased his 1 and only gift from her, FP Learn and Move Music Station....$40! At the end though, LO is MY child and he will have what I want him to have. No one has to buy for him but me.
Yeah, my 26 month old son sure didn't realize that while his Thomas the Train set was cool, it wasn't anywhere near as big as his brother's PS3.
Maybe instead of talking to MIL, who you're not likely to change, you should just concentrate on teaching your LO that Christmas isn't about the number of presents you get, but the time you get to spend with your family enjoying your time together. I really hate that kids think they need PS3s, Wiis, cell phones, computers, etc., etc. to have a "good" Christmas. That's not what Christmas is supposed to be.
If you can teach her to be grateful for what she gets, no matter how much it is, she'll be much better off than if you tried to ensure that your MIL spends exactly the same amount on each child. Considering what she's getting, she's doing a lot better present-wise than A LOT of kids are this year. With so many people being out of work. losing homes, etc. I think you should just make sure that she appreciates what she has.
I'm thinking that if she and her Dh don't show these emotions then their little one won't care. Instead if they teach their DD how to be grateful and just enjoy spending time with her family, the number of gifts she gets won't matter at all.
No, not at all. I should have expanded, but had to run. OP eluded to the fact that this isn't the first time this has happened, and I guess I just read into that an overall concern for both children being treated equally in general, gifts aside. My mistake there. As far as the gifts, there will come a day, if it's not equal, that one or both children will notice, and possibly ask, but there have already been some great suggestions as to how to handle that. Because if the OP really is only concerned about the number of presents/cost of the presents, then there really isn't anything to be done. But in general, if this is consuming so much of her thought process and her DH's as it seems to be, and it is actually about more than presents, then I stand by my original statement, have a discussion with MIL about your concerns, assuming she's a reasonable person, and you can have that discussion calmly and rationally with her, and make it about her relationship with her grandchildren, and not the gifts.
I get that she wants the kids to be treated equally. Older kids get more gifts than babies do (and last Christmas when her LO was just a wee one was the other time she mentioned).
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I'm suspecting that it has a little to do with the step part of the equation. Just a feeling.
Ding, ding, ding, ding. I mean how many of us said that we do the exact same thing with our own children. I got the impression that the OP is looking for a reason to complain and find fault in people.
Again, next year my DS will be about 8 months old. I can guarantee you that my 4 year old nephew will get more than him, and I would never think less of anyone for it. That is just how it works.
Ok, my bad and I stand corrected. But, you still suck for wanting to push materialism over more important matters.
I agree with this. It sucks that she's doing it but there isn't a lot you can say. Hopefully as DD gets older your MIL will start to even it out. If it doesn't even out and you feel like something must be said I would leave that to your DH since they are both his children. If you do it it will probably be received as poorly as it was here.
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1/16/13 BFP, EDD 9/27/13, m/c 1/19/13
2/12/13 BFP, EDD 10/25/13 Please stick little one
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Just have your dh tell her that you'd like to cut back on the commercial aspects of Christmas, and don't want your kids to expect tons of gifts, so if she could keep it to a $30 limit for each child that would be great. Problem solved.
I spent approx $30 on DS2 (not quite 2 years old) and $300 on DS1 (nearly 3.5) this year. The kids are not keeping score at this point, only the parents.
It's sort of crazy to me that you can list out what both kids got for 2 Christmases and a year's worth of birthdays from your MIL.
You have at least another full year before your daughter even *gets* Christmas (barf) and presents and such. And at least another year after that before she starts keeping score the way you do.
The only thing that you might want to say to your MIL is that you are worried your daughter might start noticing that her brother is getting more gifts than she is, and for that reason, to please even the numbers out.
But honestly, this post annoys me.