Single Parents

H told me he might leave

MH has been acting "off" since the summertime. I would ask if he was okay and even go as far to ask if he was happy with me and he would tell me that everything was fine, not to worry, and that he was happy. On Monday he came to me and told me that he is, in fact, not happy, and that he wants to leave for a week to stay with his brother (who is also currently separated) to see what he really wants in life. I am experiencing so many emotions its not funny. I'm heartbroken, for one, but am sad, angry, resentful...the list goes on. He says that he loves me, but doesn't know if he is 100% into spending the rest of his life with me (um, shouldn't you have thought about that before you married me 3 years ago and decided to have a child?) I'm still very much in love with him and want things to work out. I am scared to death to become a single parent, although I know that I can do it if I have to. Part of me is saying that this will all blow over, and part of me is saying this is the end. I have felt like a single parent all along, as H never plays with LO or does any of the duties he promised he would (picking up from daycare, staying home when he's sick, etc). I don't understand where everything went wrong.
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Re: H told me he might leave

  • Not to kick you while you are down, but all signs point to something fishy.  Is it possible there is someone else?  Generally a husband doesn't just start acting like that and need "space" to decide if he really wants to be married.  Are you certain he's going to stay with his brother?

    Maybe the break will be good though.  YOU can decide if you want to spend the rest of YOUR life with someone who has been acting strangely for over six months, doesn't communicate about what is wrong, lies to you (by telling you everything was fine with your marriage when, in fact, it wasn't) and doesn't help with your child. 

    GL and we are here for you!

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  • imageachase123:

    Not to kick you while you are down, but all signs point to something fishy.  Is it possible there is someone else?  Generally a husband doesn't just start acting like that and need "space" to decide if he really wants to be married.  Are you certain he's going to stay with his brother?

    Maybe the break will be good though.  YOU can decide if you want to spend the rest of YOUR life with someone who has been acting strangely for over six months, doesn't communicate about what is wrong, lies to you (by telling you everything was fine with your marriage when, in fact, it wasn't) and doesn't help with your child. 

    GL and we are here for you!

    Yes, this! He said he hasn't been happy. Have YOU been happy walking on eggshells wondering what was wrong with him for the last six months or more? 

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  • imageShanJosh777:
    imageachase123:

    Not to kick you while you are down, but all signs point to something fishy.  Is it possible there is someone else?  Generally a husband doesn't just start acting like that and need "space" to decide if he really wants to be married.  Are you certain he's going to stay with his brother?

    Maybe the break will be good though.  YOU can decide if you want to spend the rest of YOUR life with someone who has been acting strangely for over six months, doesn't communicate about what is wrong, lies to you (by telling you everything was fine with your marriage when, in fact, it wasn't) and doesn't help with your child. 

    GL and we are here for you!

    Yes, this! He said he hasn't been happy. Have YOU been happy walking on eggshells wondering what was wrong with him for the last six months or more? 

    ITA!! Try to take this time to do some self-reflection. You can't make your marriage work if you are the only one giving 100%. Good luck!

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  • imagepeeps61308:

    ITA!! Try to take this time to do some self-reflection. You can't make your marriage work if you are the only one giving 100%. Good luck!

    And take care of yourself right now too - you can't do anything about what might be going on behind the scenes with him.  Focus on keeping you and your son in as good a place as possible.

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  • Thanks everyone. I actually am positive that there is no one else and that he's going to stay with his brother. I'm actually close with his brother and know that's where he's going. Also, my MIL is very much in tune to what's going on (and is WONDERFUL) so she will know if he's not there. I do plan on doing a lot of self-reflecting (already am), and want nothing more than what's best for my son. I appreciate your kind words. It is reassuring to know that if bad gets to worse I have someplace to come for support.

    His exact words to me tonight (via text message while he's getting trashed at his work Xmas party) were: "whether you believe it or not I love and care about both of you but I'm not in the position to be in love and be there right now...I have a lot to figure out". I don't even know what that means and honestly am so over trying to figure it out. I need to enjoy my holiday with my son. I'm trying so hard not to hate him.

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  • imagecoraandmike:

    Thanks everyone. I actually am positive that there is no one else and that he's going to stay with his brother. I'm actually close with his brother and know that's where he's going. Also, my MIL is very much in tune to what's going on (and is WONDERFUL) so she will know if he's not there. I do plan on doing a lot of self-reflecting (already am), and want nothing more than what's best for my son. I appreciate your kind words. It is reassuring to know that if bad gets to worse I have someplace to come for support.

    His exact words to me tonight (via text message while he's getting trashed at his work Xmas party) were: "whether you believe it or not I love and care about both of you but I'm not in the position to be in love and be there right now...I have a lot to figure out". I don't even know what that means and honestly am so over trying to figure it out. I need to enjoy my holiday with my son. I'm trying so hard not to hate him.

    Ugh, that's so hard.  Maybe I'm just a huge biatch but I always get resentful when I hear of men doing this.  How many mothers would ever have the luxury of just "checking out" in order to figure out things and get their head on straight?  Take a little break from reality.  Yah, that's just not in the cards when you're a mom.  How incredibly, utterly selfish of him.  I am sorry you are having to go through this, and hope you can have a good holiday despite his douchetasticness.

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  • Your situation actually sounds a lot like mine. My H started out by telling me he wasn't happy, but I was so overwhelmed with everything that it fell on deaf ears. One day, after a few weeks of being "distant" I flat out asked if he was happy. He said no, and that he wasn't in love with me anymore. He said he needed time to "figure things out" and to "get his head on straight". My H doesn't handle stress well and he just has all of his priorites in the wrong place.

    It's not easy, but you sound like you're pretty strong already. Don't ask your H to come home. If a week turns into a few weeks and the months, you have your answer. My H has been moved out for 4 months now and shows no signs of coming home. We get along fine, but it's just not there anymore. I've grown incredibly strong and have adjusted to being a single parent. Like you, I was doing 99% of the baby/household chores before H left, so it wasn't a huge adjustment. The financial aspect is tough, but we're making it.

    Hang in there...I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but it will get easier. I was a whole whirlwind of emotions the first few weeks, and now I'm stronger than ever.

    Stay on this board -- the ladies are amazing and we're here for you!!!

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  • Omg, girls thank you so much. I have felt so lonely, as if I'm the only girl this ever happens to. I am trying so hard to be strong for Nicholas (my amazing 1yo son). My parents have even offered to put an addition on their house and let N and I move in. I mean, I have the most amazing supports.

    achase--you're right. I have told H this more times than I can count. How unfair it is that he can just get his vacation to think while I've got to keep going with life. It sucks, and it's unfair. I'm trying so hard not to be mad, but it's not working very well. Right now he's at the bar. His BBM status says "Jameson..." He's an hour away from home. At this point I don't care where he goes or IF he comes home. Of course I want him to be safe, but I'm too angry to care. Also, I was just reading through your blog. You are such a strong, inspirational woman. I admire you. I truly do. I want to be like you when I grow up.

    The hardest part in all of this is thinking about our wedding, TTC, getting ready for the baby to come...how excited we were. How happy we were. WTF happened?? He was so sudden with all of this...I didn't see it coming. I hate all of the emotions I'm feeling right now.

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  • I also want to say - what a f*cking douche to do this right before Christmas. 

    My XH did a similar thing, and there was another woman involved - I hope that's not the case in your situation - but I waffled between the extremes of wanting him back because I wanted our life back, and losing all respect for him because he "didn't feel like being married anymore".  So, all of the feelings that you feel are perfectly OK.

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  • imageMrs.Keith2B:

    Your situation actually sounds a lot like mine. My H started out by telling me he wasn't happy, but I was so overwhelmed with everything that it fell on deaf ears. One day, after a few weeks of being "distant" I flat out asked if he was happy. He said no, and that he wasn't in love with me anymore. He said he needed time to "figure things out" and to "get his head on straight". My H doesn't handle stress well and he just has all of his priorites in the wrong place.

    It's not easy, but you sound like you're pretty strong already. Don't ask your H to come home. If a week turns into a few weeks and the months, you have your answer. My H has been moved out for 4 months now and shows no signs of coming home. We get along fine, but it's just not there anymore. I've grown incredibly strong and have adjusted to being a single parent. Like you, I was doing 99% of the baby/household chores before H left, so it wasn't a huge adjustment. The financial aspect is tough, but we're making it.

    Hang in there...I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but it will get easier. I was a whole whirlwind of emotions the first few weeks, and now I'm stronger than ever.

    Stay on this board -- the ladies are amazing and we're here for you!!!

    Both of these sound like my husband. He moved out 3 weeks ago. He says he misses us and sees us reconciling/getting back together but there is no action plan for it to happen. It just sucks. I like definitive action. But I guess it really is better to not push the issue and have my answer from time and actions - or inactions. Sigh. This is not what I thought it would be when I got married. I truly thought "for better for worse" blah, blah, blah.

  • imagecoraandmike:

    Thanks everyone. I actually am positive that there is no one else and that he's going to stay with his brother. I'm actually close with his brother and know that's where he's going. Also, my MIL is very much in tune to what's going on (and is WONDERFUL) so she will know if he's not there. I do plan on doing a lot of self-reflecting (already am), and want nothing more than what's best for my son. I appreciate your kind words. It is reassuring to know that if bad gets to worse I have someplace to come for support.

    His exact words to me tonight (via text message while he's getting trashed at his work Xmas party) were: "whether you believe it or not I love and care about both of you but I'm not in the position to be in love and be there right now...I have a lot to figure out". I don't even know what that means and honestly am so over trying to figure it out. I need to enjoy my holiday with my son. I'm trying so hard not to hate him.

     Let me preface this by saying I can be kind of a vindictive person, so take what I say with a grain of salt the size of a salt lick. :P

    1) This board is a wonderful place to come for so many reasons, not the least of which the anonymity that lets you say things you may not say to friends who actually know your H, which is incredibly cathartic. 

    2) Does he frequently get trashed? Especially with coworkers and employers? Is that possibly a warning sign about something else?

    3) What would make him not "be in the position to be in love and be there right now"? Has something externally changed, like a cut in hours or something that could be affecting him emotionally? I'm inclined to agree with AChase, in that something doesn't add up here.

    4) If you're "honestly so over trying to figure it out," it means you are investing way more into this than he is. As awful as it may sound (returning to my disclaimer about my vindictiveness), is he worth being miserable? If it's been for over six months, it means that for more than half your son's life, you've been in turmoil. Is that how you want to spend your time with your son? In other words, is your H worth it? 

    5) And the real reason I say I'm vindictive: I totally think it's okay for you to hate him a little bit. It's kind of chickenshiit of him to do this, right now, after telling you for months and months nothing's wrong, etc. As much as I'm the type of person to say that Christmas shouldn't be the only time for peace and love and how I don't buy into only wanting to be kind to family around the holidays, I still think it's kind of piss-poor, very selfish timing on his part.

     

    Anyway. I know I can be a biitch, so obviously you don't have to listen to what I'm saying because I've gotten quite burned out with being the nice little doormat for so much of my life. But I am glad that you found us, and that we can be here for you while you deal with whatever it is that happens in the next few months. If you want me to pray for you and your family, PM me or just reply here :) 

  • imageSuchASpectacularSpectacle:
    imagecoraandmike:

    Thanks everyone. I actually am positive that there is no one else and that he's going to stay with his brother. I'm actually close with his brother and know that's where he's going. Also, my MIL is very much in tune to what's going on (and is WONDERFUL) so she will know if he's not there. I do plan on doing a lot of self-reflecting (already am), and want nothing more than what's best for my son. I appreciate your kind words. It is reassuring to know that if bad gets to worse I have someplace to come for support.

    His exact words to me tonight (via text message while he's getting trashed at his work Xmas party) were: "whether you believe it or not I love and care about both of you but I'm not in the position to be in love and be there right now...I have a lot to figure out". I don't even know what that means and honestly am so over trying to figure it out. I need to enjoy my holiday with my son. I'm trying so hard not to hate him.

     Let me preface this by saying I can be kind of a vindictive person, so take what I say with a grain of salt the size of a salt lick. :P

    1) This board is a wonderful place to come for so many reasons, not the least of which the anonymity that lets you say things you may not say to friends who actually know your H, which is incredibly cathartic.  Thanks...however I have been incredibly open with people IRL too. At this point, I don't care what people think of him. I'm angry. However, cathartic is right.

    2) Does he frequently get trashed? Especially with coworkers and employers? Is that possibly a warning sign about something else? No, he doesn't. Lately he has been going to the bars more with his friends. This just happened to be the night his Xmas party was. Normally he is a workaholic, but is not a huge drinker. I just threw that in there because I'm pissed.

    3) What would make him not "be in the position to be in love and be there right now"? Has something externally changed, like a cut in hours or something that could be affecting him emotionally? I'm inclined to agree with AChase, in that something doesn't add up here.That is a great question, and one that I've asked him to no avail. He has actually been working a lot more hours and has gone back to grad school. I supported him in all of this, but wouldn't have if I would have thought for one second it would end our marriage. I do agree, though, something doesn't add up. I've told him that I'm suspicious of him.

    4) If you're "honestly so over trying to figure it out," it means you are investing way more into this than he is. As awful as it may sound (returning to my disclaimer about my vindictiveness), is he worth being miserable? If it's been for over six months, it means that for more than half your son's life, you've been in turmoil. Is that how you want to spend your time with your son? In other words, is your H worth it? I know I'm investing more in than he is, and I'm trying not to. I do think that, right now, our marriage is worth it. However, if I find reasons otherwise (another woman, continuous drinking, drugs, whatever...) he will so NOT be worth my time or energy. I do not want to make my son's life any more stressful than it already may be, but H is a great dad (when he's here).

    5) And the real reason I say I'm vindictive: I totally think it's okay for you to hate him a little bit. It's kind of chickenshiit of him to do this, right now, after telling you for months and months nothing's wrong, etc. As much as I'm the type of person to say that Christmas shouldn't be the only time for peace and love and how I don't buy into only wanting to be kind to family around the holidays, I still think it's kind of piss-poor, very selfish timing on his part. I couldn't agree with you more.

     

    Anyway. I know I can be a biitch, so obviously you don't have to listen to what I'm saying because I've gotten quite burned out with being the nice little doormat for so much of my life. But I am glad that you found us, and that we can be here for you while you deal with whatever it is that happens in the next few months. If you want me to pray for you and your family, PM me or just reply here :) 

    I didn't think you were bitchy at all. As a matter of fact, much of what you said has been going through my mind the past few days. I'm glad I found you too. I have to say that, honestly, I hope I don't stay here. But if I do, I guess you gals aren't half bad ;)

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  • Lol. It's not a club any of us really expected to join, but it's pleasant company ;)
  • This might sound drastic, but I think I might just tell him you're done (or move in with your parents, or file for divorce). If he wants to keep you it will be a wake up call. If he doesn't fight for you and DS then perhaps you should be leaving anyway.

    I realize that is easier said than done, but what he's doing is super douchy any time of the year. But especially at Christmas.

  • I'm so so sorry you have to go through this :(  I hope you take this "break" as time to reflect what YOU want and how you feel you and your son deserve to be treated.  You say you already feel like a single parent anyway since your H isn't as involved in your son's life as he should be.  Yes you might love him now, but if he stays and this behavior continues....is this really the type of husband/father you want to spend the rest of your life with?  What about if you want more kids in the future?  I'm sorry everything changed and headed in the negative direction, but I hope you take this break to examine what is best for not only you, but your son too.  Good luck with everything!  This board is here if you ever need support!
  • imageThePunkyMonkey:

    This might sound drastic, but I think I might just tell him you're done (or move in with your parents, or file for divorce). If he wants to keep you it will be a wake up call. If he doesn't fight for you and DS then perhaps you should be leaving anyway.

    I realize that is easier said than done, but what he's doing is super douchy any time of the year. But especially at Christmas.

    I told him last night that N and I would be finding a new place to live. He didn't like that I said that very much. We'll see.

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