Do I owe MIL an explanation here? Could get long.

amandopolis

So, let me say from the outset that I don't like my ILs.  I find them pushy and intrusive and meddlesome, and DH and I keep a lot to ourselves in an effort to keep boundaries intact.  Sometimes I think I might instantly react badly to things that she means with good intentions, so I ask here to make sure I'm not being insane.

In the last 2 months, we've all had bad colds, DH had an ear infection, DD had a double ear infection that required 3 doctors visits and 2 antibiotics to clear up, DH got strep, Norah got strep, and I got a stomach virus.  Then I wrecked the car, had to go to the ER, and now I have a dental issue that is going to require oral surgery.

So, we have had to meet our deductibles on our health insurance and auto insurance, pay tons of copays, and now we're going to have to pay our dental insurance deductible.  That's a decent amount of money.  Because I SAH, we live on a budget.  Because we are conscious about living within our means, we have been able to afford to pay for all these little emergencies, but we felt that, in order to make sure we are able to pay for future emergencies, it would be best not to purchase gifts for family this year.  Our parents both usually insist that we not buy them anything since they both have too much stuff, so NBD there.

This morning, however, I have in my inbox an email from my MIL with Christmas lists for BIL, SIL, and GMIL.   

Here are my feelings: 

1. It's 2 freaking days before Christmas, why is she worrying about this now?

2. We're not little kids who need mommy to wrap presents, label them from us, and stick them under the tree, or to make sure that we've got gifts for everyone.

3. I know she'll expect to know why we didn't get gifts after she sent us a list.  I don't think our financial situation is any of her business.

So... should I explain it all to her, or just ignore it and hope it goes away?   If you made it through this, thank you!  I know I can get rambly.

 

katekirschner

I would first off, let DH deal with his family and either a) ignore it as it IS 2 days before the holiday and b) if she brings it up, calmly say that your recent illnesses and emergencies warranted minimizing Christmas spending this year. Perhaps make some cookies and give if those people are immature enough that they need to open a gift on Christmas like your kids do. But I would have DH field discussions with his mom!

katlizabeth

If you weren't planning on getting gifts before this, I wouldn't get anything now.  And I wouldn't worry what she thinks (easier said than done, I know).  If she asks (yikes, I hope she wouldn't ask..that's just rude) you could always say something about how you're trying to shift the focus from being on gift giving to just being together, or how you're shifting from giving gifts to everyone to just the little kids because that's who really appreciates it. 

jonnygurl76

katekirschner:

I would first off, let DH deal with his family and either a) ignore it as it IS 2 days before the holiday and b) if she brings it up, calmly say that your recent illnesses and emergencies warranted minimizing Christmas spending this year. Perhaps make some cookies and give if those people are immature enough that they need to open a gift on Christmas like your kids do. But I would have DH field discussions with his mom!

THIS!!!!  i have learned to let DH handle the crazies.  and how odd that she would even send you a list for adults...

CalinsBride

I think it's really rude for her to send Christmas lists for adults. It makes no sense and is none of her business.

That said, I would absolutely explain it to her. I think it's just courteous (sp?) to let family members who you usually exchange gifts with know if you will not be exchanging gifts that year. Money is tight this year, so we are doing homemade gifts for family, and we gave them a head's up so they wouldn't be surprised when they got cookies and salt dough ornaments instead of gift cards and sweaters.

ETA: And if it were me, I'd just give each person a tin of cookies and call it a day.

Squishycheeks*

It's pretty rude for any adult to have a Christmas list, and I think it's just as rude for your MIL to send it to you 2 days before the holiday.

I agree with Calins on the idea of a tin of cookies for everyone. I would just call your MIL and tell her that since you've had such a rough time with all the doc visits that you won't be able to purchase gifts this year. 

Mrs.Hizzo

I'm confused. Have you let his brother and sister know that you aren't doing gifts this year, so that they can opt of buying for you, as well? If they usually buy for you, it seems rude to just show up empty-handed while they still have gifts for you. Also, does your MIL know this?

One way or the other, it's very weird that she's sending you their Christmas lists, but if nobody knows about your decision not to purchase gifts, it sounds like more of a mis-communication than anything. But maybe that's not what you're saying.

erino&chrish

I'd tell her you don't think the list is necessary, and even if it WERE a good idea your shopping is done.  You have two young children, and it's ridiculous for her to think you'll fight the crowds to get adults gifts from their "Christmas List" 2 days before Christmas.

Abinormal

Unfortunately, in this situation, I think your DH should give his parents an explanation. I know that my parents would completely understand if I told them that money had been tight and we weren't going to be able to get them gifts this year. I'd also make sure that they realized they did not have to get a gift for DH or myself, but they would most likely end up getting us a few gifts.

This year, our budget is a bit tight (and we are both working parents, budgets aren't limited to a SAH parent family) and so we got gifts for our parents and Tegan's godparents, but we didn't get gifts for our siblings. None of our siblings can afford or will get us gifts (they all still live at home, even though they are in their 20s) and so it won't be an issue that they aren't receiving gifts from us.

MsAlyss

katekirschner:

I would first off, let DH deal with his family and either a) ignore it as it IS 2 days before the holiday and b) if she brings it up, calmly say that your recent illnesses and emergencies warranted minimizing Christmas spending this year. Perhaps make some cookies and give if those people are immature enough that they need to open a gift on Christmas like your kids do. But I would have DH field discussions with his mom!

This.  

amandopolis

Mrs.Hizzo:

I'm confused. Have you let his brother and sister know that you aren't doing gifts this year, so that they can opt of buying for you, as well? If they usually buy for you, it seems rude to just show up empty-handed while they still have gifts for you. Also, does your MIL know this?

One way or the other, it's very weird that she's sending you their Christmas lists, but if nobody knows about your decision not to purchase gifts, it sounds like more of a mis-communication than anything. But maybe that's not what you're saying.

I'm sorry, I should have clarified, but I felt like I was already getting too wordy. I am making cookies and spiced peaches today to give as gifts.  Also, BIL and SIL do not generally give us Christmas gifts, or if they do they usually come in March, so I did/do not anticipate a gift from them.  I wouldn't have thought that not exchanging would be a big deal if I hadn't received the last minute list from MIL.

amandopolis

Abinormal:

Unfortunately, in this situation, I think your DH should give his parents an explanation. I know that my parents would completely understand if I told them that money had been tight and we weren't going to be able to get them gifts this year. I'd also make sure that they realized they did not have to get a gift for DH or myself, but they would most likely end up getting us a few gifts.

This year, our budget is a bit tight (and we are both working parents, budgets aren't limited to a SAH parent family) and so we got gifts for our parents and Tegan's godparents, but we didn't get gifts for our siblings. None of our siblings can afford or will get us gifts (they all still live at home, even though they are in their 20s) and so it won't be an issue that they aren't receiving gifts from us.

The main reason I hesitate to have DH offer an explanation is that if we say money is tight, we're opening a can of worms because MIL and FIL will interpret that as an invitation to discuss our finances.  Then the stream of e-mails and phone calls offering us money, asking about our bills, and suggesting that I go back to work will start.  I had hoped to avoid the awkwardness of telling them to butt out (for the 1000th time).

Abinormal

amandopolis:

Mrs.Hizzo:

I'm confused. Have you let his brother and sister know that you aren't doing gifts this year, so that they can opt of buying for you, as well? If they usually buy for you, it seems rude to just show up empty-handed while they still have gifts for you. Also, does your MIL know this?

One way or the other, it's very weird that she's sending you their Christmas lists, but if nobody knows about your decision not to purchase gifts, it sounds like more of a mis-communication than anything. But maybe that's not what you're saying.

I'm sorry, I should have clarified, but I felt like I was already getting too wordy. I am making cookies and spiced peaches today to give as gifts.  Also, BIL and SIL do not generally give us Christmas gifts, or if they do they usually come in March, so I did/do not anticipate a gift from them.  I wouldn't have thought that not exchanging would be a big deal if I hadn't received the last minute list from MIL.

If you are making cookies and spiced peaches and plan to give these as gifts, then, in my opinion, you are giving gifts and no other explanation is needed. If MIL makes a comment about the Christmas lists that she sent you, then thank her for sending them, but let her know that you already have this year's gifts covered.

FWIW, you could also have your LO make a gift for the grandparents. If you got some non-toxic paint or even some finger paint, you could make a homemade card for the grandparents. I know that my parents would think that was a pretty cool gift. You could also give them pictures in a really nice frame. Kohls typically has all their frames for 50% off and I've gotten 2-3 nice frames from their for less than $15 in the past. Just some ideas...

amandopolis

Abinormal:

amandopolis:

Mrs.Hizzo:

I'm confused. Have you let his brother and sister know that you aren't doing gifts this year, so that they can opt of buying for you, as well? If they usually buy for you, it seems rude to just show up empty-handed while they still have gifts for you. Also, does your MIL know this?

One way or the other, it's very weird that she's sending you their Christmas lists, but if nobody knows about your decision not to purchase gifts, it sounds like more of a mis-communication than anything. But maybe that's not what you're saying.

I'm sorry, I should have clarified, but I felt like I was already getting too wordy. I am making cookies and spiced peaches today to give as gifts.  Also, BIL and SIL do not generally give us Christmas gifts, or if they do they usually come in March, so I did/do not anticipate a gift from them.  I wouldn't have thought that not exchanging would be a big deal if I hadn't received the last minute list from MIL.

If you are making cookies and spiced peaches and plan to give these as gifts, then, in my opinion, you are giving gifts and no other explanation is needed. If MIL makes a comment about the Christmas lists that she sent you, then thank her for sending them, but let her know that you already have this year's gifts covered.

FWIW, you could also have your LO make a gift for the grandparents. If you got some non-toxic paint or even some finger paint, you could make a homemade card for the grandparents. I know that my parents would think that was a pretty cool gift. You could also give them pictures in a really nice frame. Kohls typically has all their frames for 50% off and I've gotten 2-3 nice frames from their for less than $15 in the past. Just some ideas...

Thanks Abi, I really appreciate the ideas.  I felt so bad when I got the e-mail because now I feel like my cookies and peaches are going to look so cheap since I had a list to go off of and I'm giving food instead.  Ugh.  But it seems to be the consensus that food is an acceptable gift, so I feel a bit better. 

Abinormal

Any gift is an acceptable gift, when it comes to adults. Seriously, we are not children and a gift is a gift. I, personally, would rather get cookies and spiced peaches (hint, hint, lol!) as a gift, then get something that I'm never going to use or something that just isn't my style. Don't feel bad about this situation and good luck with your surgery. Y'all have had a rough few months!

Mrs.Hizzo

OK, I see. Your gifts aren't cheap at all, I think the time spent on them makes just as or more "valuable" than if you bought off the list. I just wouldn't say anything to her unless she brings it up. How rude would she have to be to see that you worked so hard on gifts, and then say "Is that IT???"

If she does, though, I'd probably say something short, like "We had a lot of medical expenses this year and we don't want to enter 2011 in the red, so we cut back some on Christmas." Then if she pushes for details or starts offering money, you can say "Thanks, but it's all taken care of. We had a budget for the year and we were able to stay in it. So it's all good." I don't know if that will work with her.

AggieGrl

I just want to add to the sentiment that your cookies and peaches are a great gift.  Seriously, I am so freaking tired of people trying to outdo each other with Christmas presents.   I wish EVERYONE was so thoughtful and made presents with such heart as yours.

 

CalinsBride

amandopolis:

Abinormal:

Unfortunately, in this situation, I think your DH should give his parents an explanation. I know that my parents would completely understand if I told them that money had been tight and we weren't going to be able to get them gifts this year. I'd also make sure that they realized they did not have to get a gift for DH or myself, but they would most likely end up getting us a few gifts.

This year, our budget is a bit tight (and we are both working parents, budgets aren't limited to a SAH parent family) and so we got gifts for our parents and Tegan's godparents, but we didn't get gifts for our siblings. None of our siblings can afford or will get us gifts (they all still live at home, even though they are in their 20s) and so it won't be an issue that they aren't receiving gifts from us.

The main reason I hesitate to have DH offer an explanation is that if we say money is tight, we're opening a can of worms because MIL and FIL will interpret that as an invitation to discuss our finances.  Then the stream of e-mails and phone calls offering us money, asking about our bills, and suggesting that I go back to work will start.  I had hoped to avoid the awkwardness of telling them to butt out (for the 1000th time).

You don't need to tell them that money is tight, just tell them that you already know what you're giving them (your choice to mention that it's homemade or not). IMO, your MIL is way out of line. My MIL used to pull that crap too, and it was really annoying. Even when we told her we already HAD gifts for DH sibs picked out, she would tell us "Oh, that's not what they want, take it back." It still boils my blood thinking about it, but she doesn't really do stuff like that anymore (as much, or to that degree), so I am trying to let it go.

nealbl

If in the past if you have done Christmas presents and this year you are not I would give a quick explanation baisically the one you gave us above. It is probably too late for this now but I would have given this explanation a couple weeks ago and also requested that noone buy you guys gifts. To be fair! I get that your financial situation is noone's business but I would still try to explain just to keep the peace and avoid and awkward moment at Xmas when your MIL confronts you. You kow she will

nealbl

I should have read through responses before I posted. If they don't usually get you gifts and you are making cookies and what not for them then I would simply reply "Thank you for sending the list of suggestions I have already finished up my Christmas shopping. I will keep this list in mind for birthdays!" That way your MIL feels like she has been heard and helpful.

She sent the email to you so I think a response should come from you.

haleymay18

Squishycheeks*:

It's pretty rude for any adult to have a Christmas list, and I think it's just as rude for your MIL to send it to you 2 days before the holiday.

I agree with Calins on the idea of a tin of cookies for everyone. I would just call your MIL and tell her that since you've had such a rough time with all the doc visits that you won't be able to purchase gifts this year. 

whoa. whoa. whoa. I have a Christmas list and I demand one from my dh and my sister. My SIL has a target wish list and my BIL's and other SIL both had lists of their own. Not rude at all. We are going to buy gifts so why not buy what they want?

 Now as for the OP, if they don't usually get you gifts, why would MIL send you a list? It sounds like it isn't common practice to exchange. I would just stick with what you are doing and call it a day.

kreeper611

If you can't afford it, don't buy anything.  BUT your DH needs to be the one to tell her - not you.

amandopolis

fredalina:

I would send back, or have DH send back, a note that says something like, "Thanks for the suggestions. I'll hope they will appreciate what we've planned for them" and leave it at that.

Would they seriously use the fact that you are having a homemade Christmas as an invitation to berate you about being a SAHM and a reason why you should work? Seriously? I thought my ILs were critical and meddling!

My MIL is the definitive sanctimommy, and she thinks she did everything perfectly as a mother.  So naturally, every mother should set an example for her children by working, like she did.  She takes every opportunity to remind me of all the things they were able to give their kids because of her job.  I don't think she'll pass up on this chance, either.  It won't happen Christmas Day, but I'll hear about it a couple of weeks from now.

amandopolis

I appreciate everyone's input!  I am definitely feeling better about our handmade gifts now.  And if she says anything, I'll let DH handle it.  I feel yet another boundaries talk coming.

ljjasper

1st, If anyone would ever say anything about my choice of gifts, I would probably tell them they were pretty rude and just let it go at that.  I liked the advice to just say that you had a budget and were happy you were able to stay within it.  2ndly, I get lists for my grandparents/mom/siblings/etc but we've always distributed lists.  So I wouldn't necessarily think getting a list was weird.  However, I would think getting a list 2 days before Christmas or for someone you don't usually buy for was odd.  We've been able to do gifts for these people in our lives, but its always been known, and said, that we aren't expected to.  Next year, money will be tighter and I've already thought about homemade gifts (I love the peaches idea!) and I don't expect anyone to be disappointed at all.  And I wouldn't offer an explanation.

emmared1986

haleymay18:

Squishycheeks*:

It's pretty rude for any adult to have a Christmas list, and I think it's just as rude for your MIL to send it to you 2 days before the holiday.

I agree with Calins on the idea of a tin of cookies for everyone. I would just call your MIL and tell her that since you've had such a rough time with all the doc visits that you won't be able to purchase gifts this year. 

whoa. whoa. whoa. I have a Christmas list and I demand one from my dh and my sister. My SIL has a target wish list and my BIL's and other SIL both had lists of their own. Not rude at all. We are going to buy gifts so why not buy what they want?

 Now as for the OP, if they don't usually get you gifts, why would MIL send you a list? It sounds like it isn't common practice to exchange. I would just stick with what you are doing and call it a day.

Sorry Haley, I'm agreeing with Squishy on this one. I find it bizarre to have a Christmas list (especially the Target one!) as an adult. So gift grabby!

kes3237

haleymay18:

Squishycheeks*:

It's pretty rude for any adult to have a Christmas list, and I think it's just as rude for your MIL to send it to you 2 days before the holiday.

I agree with Calins on the idea of a tin of cookies for everyone. I would just call your MIL and tell her that since you've had such a rough time with all the doc visits that you won't be able to purchase gifts this year. 

whoa. whoa. whoa. I have a Christmas list and I demand one from my dh and my sister. My SIL has a target wish list and my BIL's and other SIL both had lists of their own. Not rude at all. We are going to buy gifts so why not buy what they want?

 Now as for the OP, if they don't usually get you gifts, why would MIL send you a list? It sounds like it isn't common practice to exchange. I would just stick with what you are doing and call it a day.

A Target wish list?  For an adult?  For Christmas?  Wow.  Sorry, I have to agree that Christmas lists for adults seem very gift-grabby. 

KelliLynee

Was the email just to you & DH or was it an email sent to a group of people? Have you already told them that you aren't getting gifts this year? I would have hoped you would have mentioned it by now.... If I wasn't able to, or wasn't planning to buy gifts for family, I would be sure to tell them well enough ahead of time that I REALLY dont want them to get me anything this year, and make an agreement not to buy gifts.

Good luck! I hope your MIL understands, and I hope that you dont have to go into all the details with them. Sounds like a tricky situation.

christina627

We've been there.  Thankfully, we've been blessed this year and can buy for everyone on our lists. 

You could buy them something little or inexpensive (that's what we always did), or just don't buy and let DH deal with it.  We've definately gotten to the point that we deal with our own families, bc IL's can't stand me for things that happened when DS was a newborn. 

LauranBilly

I say give the home-made gifts, and call it Christmas! If your MIL has something to say about it, your DH can handel it, and if he doesnt know what to say.. tell her thats what i am giving this year, and if she isnt happy with it, she can shove it.

sarcole530

Do you normally buy for your BIL, SIL and GIL? If so, I would maybe give an explanation then. Only because, if I were to put myself in your shoes, I would feel weird not buying for them this year when we do every other year, and have them wonder why the heck this year was any different. Also do they buy for you? If so, I'd probably give an explanation for that reason too.

However, if you don't usually buy for them and if they don't buy for you, I wouldn't worry about it. As you said, your financial status isn't their business. And, her sending a list two days before Christmas is quite rude, IMO.

hooker82

My MIL is exactly the same way. She even sends me reminder emails telling me not to forget to send thank yous/RSVPs/etc. I'm an adult, I can handle these things on my own. That said, I usually ignore her or tell her politely that DH and I decided xyz. I never leave room for a discussion or else she'll try to convince us to do it her way. But mostly, I ignore her emails. It's my passive aggressive way of letting her know that she cannot control me.