- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Attachment Parenting
AliciaCM
member
My friend who turned me onto AP isn't AP anymore :(
AliciaCM
member
I have a friend who introduced me to cloth diapers, bwing, natural birth, and the entire AP lifestyle. I visited her yesterday and was shocked to find out that she's no longer ap... She's using sposies (which I know has nothing to do with being ap), weaned her baby, sold all of her carriers, has weaned her toddler partly b/c of being pregnant partly b/c she "was just tired of it," and they're spanking him for everything! I felt bad for him b/c their house wasn't child proofed at all (breakable ornaments at his level on the xmas tree, and etc) and everytime he grabbed something she would snatch it from him and spank him. She is also forcing him into his crib in his own room at night and CIO
I'm not judging, I understand that she is preparing for a new baby and that things have to change. It was just really surprising...
I guess I am judging about the baby-proofing. He just wanted to explore and literally everything he grabbed she took and swatted at his hand. At one point he grabbed a soft fabric tape measurer and she took that too. All of his toys were in his room and he was told not to bring them out into the living room and to just play in his room with them.
I just feel kind of sad for her DS... I am reminding myself that she is doing what she thinks works for them, but it just didn't seem to be working. She mentioned that today was a really good day as far as his behavior went, but she still spanked him probably a dozen times in the 2 hrs we were together. Twice she spanked him hard enough to knock him over...
I guess there'snot really a point in this post, maybe just to get y'alls opinions on it? Is it normal to change parenting styles this much when preparing for the second child? I wouldn't think it is but obviously I haven't been there yet...
This discussion has been closed.
Re: My friend who turned me onto AP isn't AP anymore :(
Sounds like maybe she wasn't "AP" to begin with? I know plenty of people who BF, baby wear (believe me, it's practically a must in NYC if you ever plan to take the subway anywhere) and use cloth diapers for ecological reasons but do not embrace AP philosophies in general at all.
The spanking and not baby-proofing is what I am reacting to in your message. I am trying really hard not to take offense at the notion that weaning a toddler or not being able to physically babywear much anymore make one "suddenly not AP."
This...but I think OP said the mom was pregnant so selling her carriers is not due to not being able to wear this one anymore. It would mean she did not even want to try to wear the new baby. So I could see why OP reacted to it. Not that you have to BW to be AP, but that her friend suddenly decided to not even have the option to BW the next even while knowing it would be a good option for he NB whil chasing a toddler around.
My BIL's wife does not childproof. She says it is unnecessarily because you should just say no and teach them to mind and not touch things you don't want. They spank to. She is very opinionated to me about us baby proofing and it being a waits of time
I can't understand Not trying to judge but it seems like a safety issue to me.
If your friend was like this from day one I would say that she is just this kind of person. But if this is new maybe something is up. Stresses of parenting have overwhelmed her now that she has #2 on the way. Maybe the stress of wanting LO#1 more independent before #2 comes? Peer Pressure?
I did not intend for anyone to get upset... You're right, that doesn't make someone AP or not... I should have clarified better... I know plenty of AP moms who don't bf or bw at all...
I guess what I was meaning is that she is basically the main person who showed me all of these different things and I was surprised and a little bummed to see her not doing something she used to be so enthusiastic about and doing things she used to be so opposed to.
She is also the person who defined herself as AP, I'm not putting that label on her...
I see now how I should have worded it differently, so sorry!
I definitely get that vibe from her... Unfortunately I don't feel like I"m the besdt person to be asking about it. We used to be really close, btu after I moved we rarely talk now...
Bummer.
In that case, I feel sorry for her. I don't know what you could do to help, except maybe trying to find little ways to encourage her?
I think it's a combo of a lot of things...
the babyproofing definitely was a safety concern. He broke a glass ornament while we were there... 18 month olds just arent' good at being gentle all the time in my experience as a nanny...
and I understand being pregnant and not wanting to bw... I couldn't imagine it... However, I was shocked that she wasn't interested in saving them for the next baby...
Oh and when I said this I was trying to highlight about reacting to baby proofing and spanking. I understood where you were going about the other stuff
those are great ideas, but I should have mentioned, we live in different cities... I could send her a care basket or something and I may have to look into that some, but other than that I'm not sure what else I could do from 5 hrs away...
in your care basket, stick the book "momfulness" by denise roy. It's a heavy-handed gesture, but if she's spanking an 18 month old hard enough to knock him over, she needs it.
the PPs are right: she is stressed out and reaction parenting and is probably overwhelmed. poor everyone in her house.
I agree that it sounds like she is overwhelmed- but abusing her child is not the answer. Hitting a child teaches that it is okay to hit. How can you tell a child not to hit and then you hit them for being insubordenant.... i go to a freinds house and she had glass ornaments hanging on her christmas tree down to the very bottom, nothing- and i mean nothing, is babyproofed. its annoying, i want my son to enjoy himself, explore, learn, but it is annoying to have to distract him every 5 seconds bc she is unprepared with the requirements of a safe play area- i will not sit my child in an enclosed pen- i dont agree with that parenting style. dont put things in their reach that you dont want them to touch- such as- valuable ornaments.
i bought a variety of BW gear, used it once or twice, my son hates sitting in it and it was much easier to just carry him on my hip then spend ten minutes trying to get it on, get him in, i might as well pick him up and go.
it sounds like she is doing a lousey job with her first kid, and probably shoudl have gotten her act togehter before having another.. i hope, for the childs sake, that this is just a phase adn she gets back ot a better way of parenting.... because the avenue she is currently on... sucks.
I'm way more concerned about the dozen spankings in 2 hours, especially the fact she knocked him over, than anything related to CDs or BWing. CDs are not really that important in comparison to being spanked 6 times an hour. And while I can understand if she wants her toddler to sleep in his own bed while she's pregnant, CIO with an 18 mo old who's most likely peaking on separation anxiety (normal for that age) is probably not a good idea either.
She needs some help. Whether she's just completely changed her parenting style or whether she's reacting out of extreme stress, she needs help.
I agree...
From what I understand, this isn't even considered spanking. Spanking is supposed to mainly just be the threat of a hand on the bottom. Knocking a child over is almost bordering on abuse. I spoke with a child psychologist (this was before I was even KU) and she explained that for spanking to be used in any healthy way, there were several factors that need to be in effect. The parent must be in control of their emotions, have tried other methods of discipline (time out, taking away toys), and a light pat on the bottom one or two times is the most a "spank" should be. Granted, this is just one person's opinion. I am so disturbed reading about this. I agree that different people parent different ways, but spanking a child to knock them over is not right.
Fred- I completely agree with you and understand what you are trying to say. However, I think (and since I wasn't there, I don't know) that this mother was using some intentional force and not knocking their LO over by accident. I think to make the impression of spanking on an 18 month old involves very little force, if any which is what I was trying to say. And 18 month olds are toddlers for sure, so the balance thing comes into play.
It was forceful enough to knock him over, but he is a relatively new walker (5 months) so it doesn't take as much force as it would for say a 2 yr old... And it wasn't like she hit him across the room, she spanked his bottom and he fell to his hands and knees... He was tired though and being quite clumsy so in her defense she probably wasn't hitting him "that" hard...
It was way too forceful IMO, but like I said, not like she hit him across the room. I don't think she hit him trying to knock him over, but it was definitely more than a "get his attention" spank...
I'm curious, did your friend just put AP tools into place (BFing, Bedsharing, BWing), or did she actually understand and practice the AP methodology? This situation is really close to one I'm experiencing with a friend of mine who introduced me to AP, but in the end it became clear that she thought implementing the tools = AP. Now, she spanks her toddler, yells at him constantly, and just in general parents by impulse.
In my situation we're also long distance, but I only hear things over the phone, so I haven't witnessed anything in person. I suppose if she really started to vent to me I'd ask her if she'd checked out any AP books on discipline, but unless something really alarms me or she asks, I'll probably just mind my own business.
But, I can tell you, if her son was 18 months old and she spanked in the way you just described, I'd yank her out of the room by her hair and demand to know WTF is wrong with her.
While a lot of your post just seems to me to be about figuring out what works for her -- she tried CD, it wasn't her thing etc. (and 'm still trying to wrap my brain around what CDing or med-free birth has to do with parenting philosophies!) -- if you are spanking your toddler an average of every ten minutes, there is something wrong. that's not a question of AP or no -- that's a huge red flag. it's not about how hard she's hitting him, it's about clearly not communicating with her child. she sounds unbelievably stressed out -- we've all been there -- and maybe all the pressure of thinking xyz AP method is the way she "should" do things, and when it doesn't work out exactly as she hoped, she threw the baby out with the bathwater and -- here's the important part -- did not have an alternate "system" in place.
i hang out on this board a lot, though I don't consider us AP. We do a lot of AP-friendly stuff, like babywearing and BF on demand, and a lot of stuff that doesn't fit into that philosophy. There are some people who buy completely into any philosophy whether it's Sears or Babywise, and it works for them. Great. But there are also some people who try to do that, and when they run into snags, they feel like they have no alternative and they just spiral out of control. And that's what sounds like is happening here. Especially if she's pregnant again.