Am I depressed?

kimmiekp

So I'm usually a pretty upbeat person and I take things in stride... I don't dwell.  I don't ever remember being "depressed" for any long period of time in my life other than when I found out my x was cheating on me (repeatedly, with  more than one person... 5 that I know of... hey maybe I do things in fives so sixth baby will be my magic number LOL)  But that was the only time in my life that i remember being so depressed that I had to seek counseling.  And even with that, the psychologist told me that she felt like she was wasting my money because I was very introspective and had it all figured out, that what I really wanted was just someone to talk to... That was a pretty good feeling. It's nice to know I know who I am and where I'm going even in the worst of times...

With the pregnancy loss thing I haven't sought counseling mostly because I don't have that "bottom dropped out nowhere to turn feeling"... I think I'm doing pretty good.  But then I look at myself - wearing my DH's sweater and a pair of corduroy pants with socks that don't match and didn't bother to do my hair today, I'm wondering...  I'm not taking any care in how I look, and I don't seem to want to do anything -- I think I'm depressed.  But it's weird because I don't feel like crying all the time (I have moments)... i just don't feel like doing anything... and i just don't care...  I'm ambivalent... that's what it is... Anyone else feeling like this?

teacherbride7

I am in no way affiliated with the medical profession, but to me, this sounds like at least a form of depression.  And, no you're not alone. I did the same thing the weekend after my mc.  I just couldn't do anything and we had FSD that weekend and it was especially hard.  So sorry you're hurting so badly, I would say, if you have the means to talk to someone you should, just for peace of mind and you might get so much out of it.

LizC216

I can relate to your experience. For about 4-5 days after my miscarriage I didn't feel like doing anything. I stayed home from work, pj's were my best friend and getting out of bed to take a shower was a chore. I had been seeing a psychologist for anxiety before I got pregnant, so I was lucky to be able to talk to her about how I was feeling after the miscarriage. She said that I was most likely experiencing an acute form of depression, which is completely normal given the circumstances of the miscarriage. She also said that I wouldn't even be considered clinically depressed unless my symptoms persisted for at least two weeks or longer. Like PP said, unless this starts affecting you to the point where you are hurting yourself or having bad thoughts, I think it is just a way of coping. Remember though, I'm not a doctor or a licensed therapist. I think the most important thing I learned during this tough time was to allow myself to feel whatever emotions I was experiencing. It really helps you heal.

If you need more information on what your feeling or when to seek help, you might want to check out this site. It looks like it has a lot of good information.

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression/complete-index.shtml

Hang in there. I know it's an awful time.

adamfam

I think what you are going through is completely "normal" given all that you have been through.  I had my second mc a week and a half ago, and while im still going to work, etc...at home, i just lay around, cant function, havent made dinner or done the normal things i usually do.  Having said that, I am not a medical professional and if you are even a little concerened, it might be worth talking to a counselor to rule out depression, as well as talk through your feelings.  Even if you are not clinically depressed, it might be worth it to talk to someone.  I am thinking about talking to a counselor just to help me sort things out, figure out where i want to go from here, etc...

 Sorry that you are going through this again and about your previous losses.

lotus88

I do work in the mental health profession. I'm a psychiatric case manager. I'll give one of our psychiatrists' most frequent schpeals.  One thing we hear a lot from people who are depressed isn't so much that they feel sad, but that they aren't able to feel happy. Things that they enjoyed they don't. Activities, foods, people. Often they have changes in sleep, too much, too little, interruped. Tearfulness. Feeling easily overwhelmed. Guilty. Irritable. Tired. Changes in appetite. There are a lot of possible symptoms of depression. But the word gets thrown around an awful lot. Some people are depressed because something bad happened. Feeling depressed about that is normal and it would be abnormal to not feel depressed.  Usually time and counseling (if needed) heals that. Some people are depressed and there's no event that triggered it. It's a physical change in their brain. They aren't making the normal amount of chemicals.  Medications helps with that. People who have suffered through this also benefit from therapy because the depression has affected the way they cope, communicate, feel about themselves, etc.  Then there are people who are kind of "low flyers." Like Eeyore.  Always kind of pessimistic, glass half empty kind of people. That's their personality. Medications doesn't change that. Therapy can help cope with that. So those are kind of the three "kinds." We've all been in the first at least. Anything beyond that I would seek guidance from a professional.  Me personally, I go between not caring to racing around being super productive trying to fill the void.  I wouldn't get too hung up with labeling it. You make sure you take care of yourself and do things when you're ready.  I think your reaction is perfectly normal given the situation. 

lotus88

Also, I'm going to work but not doing my best work. DH is really picking up a lot of responsibilities that I normally do. 

kimmiekp

Thanks for the input everyone... The good news is i do still find joy in life. I do laugh and have fun, but daily life in general... the mundane parts of it like being to work on time, getting up and dressing nice, doing my hair, doing my work, doing chores, I just don't feel like doing any of it.  I don't mind doing fun stuff but anything that is a "responsibility" is just blahhhh.... I think because in that time when I'm not doing something interesting, I have more time to feel bummed and then I just don't want to do anything.  Thankfully I have a flexible work so being late isn't an issue, but work is boring to me -- and I used to enjoy it.. and I would rather just not be there.  House work, dishes, laundry... boring, just don't feel like it... so I'm not LOL...

In other news, I did start baking Christmas cookies today (which kind of forced me to do the dishes because I can't stand working in a dirty kitchen) and wrapped some presents and made chili, all of which I enjoyed... and now I'm slugging it on the sofa with my puppy waiting for DH to come home.

I'm not feeling like I need professional help at this point, I guess I'm more at the "normal depressed over a loss" kind of thing and I know I'll be okay.  I just don't like that I'm so ambivalent about work so I'm trying to work on that.

Sweet Artistmouse

I just posted something on my blog about this. I have an appointment with a doctor next Tuesday. Like you, I'm usually pretty upbeat and I've been doing a good job at "faking it" at work. However, when I'm alone in my office, I cry. When I go home, I cry. Over the past two weeks, I've been doing a lot of crying and it's been a little over a month since my miscarriage.

I make the effort to go out and spend time with family and friends, and it's not because I feel that I should or have to, but because I want to. I have a friend that's been through two miscarriages (and now has a beautiful baby girl and a toddler). She assures me that it gets easier and has offered to be an ear even if I repeat myself and tell her the same thing 10,000 times. And while I believe her, I still have the overwhelming sadness.

It doesn't help that while I'm at work, I feel like I'm constantly reminded of my loss in that I have a colleague who is pregnant -- we found out we were pregnant at the same time (in fact she was the first person I told at work), and we were due five days apart. Regardless of the reasons for the miscarriage (something was probably wrong with them, chromosomal abnormality, etc.) all I think about when I see her is: "that's where I should be." Perhaps it's jealousy, but I can't seem to figure out how to get past it.

(Sorry for the rambling.)