breaking the cycle...

JustJanie

DD is beginning to display her personality and can be defiant at times.  We've been thinking about discipline in more concrete terms than just "forming attachment" as Dr. Sears says.  I've read his Discipline Book...

... but I come from a family of spankers.  In fact, there was probably some mild physical abuse that happened when we were younger.  My first instinct is to slap her hand when she isn't responding to "no."  I try not to use "no" very often, but have found myself using it a lot lately since she's begun pushing boundaries.

I know there's a better way, but I don't know where to start... but I don't want to be a hand-slapper, either.

Thanks in advance for any advice and for not being judgmental.    I know I can count on you all for that over here.

EcoBaby

I know that Naomi Aldort can seem super crazy sometimes, but I've read her book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, and the first part of the book discusses how when you respond to your kids, first stop and think about whether you are actually responding to your kids or if you are really responding to something that happened to you in your childhood or if you are just doing something automatically because that is what you've more or less been trained to do.

My mom wasn't a spanker, but she was a yeller, and I don't want to be a yeller. I've actually found Aldort's advice helpful in stopping myself from repeating that same behavior. That is not to say I don't get frustrated and yell, because I do, but it has at least given me a tool to help myself.

I think Aldort is often over-indulgent so you have to take some of her book with a grain of salt, but I found this particular piece of advice helpful, and I think it would be especially helpful at working through something like spanking.

Playful Parenting is another good book that will give you a totally different perspective on discipline.

Sinafey

First, I want to commend you for recognizing the need to break the cycle.

My DD's still too young to be thinking about discipline, so I haven't actually read any of these books, but I've seen them recommended in AP circles so here ya go:

Parenting Without Power Struggles

Positive Discipline

Hopefully someone with a little more experience will also chime in here!

JustJanie

EcoBaby:

 the first part of the book discusses how when you respond to your kids, first stop and think about whether you are actually responding to your kids or if you are really responding to something that happened to you in your childhood or if you are just doing something automatically because that is what you've more or less been trained to do.

 

That's a helpful thought... I also wonder how often discipline comes from a place of needing to validate ourselves as the parent rather than correct or protect? ... or even just to make ourselves feel better because we're mad...?

 

I should also add that my parents are amazing in so many ways.  I have a lot of guilt about "the cycle" and should note that things got progressively better throughout our childhood, especially when my dad reached sobriety and recovery...  I just feel so bad bringing it all up again. 

webMistress0609

I feel you completely. My parents didn't spank me except a few times, but spanked my brother A LOT. They were yellers, entirely too controlling, put us down all the time.

I've had a hard time putting a finger on a lot of the feelings surrounding my childhood for a long time. Since my parents weren't physically abusive, why did their parenting style affect me so much emotionally, right?

I'm healing & dealing by parenting my SD & Ari in a different way, & it's really working for us. Especially with SD - we've never been yellers/spankers with her, but we weren't exactly practicing Positive Discipline either. The difference is amazing with her. 

I highly rec the Positive Discipline series as the pp mentioned. We have the basic book & the age 1-3 book, & we're about to get the Teen book too. 

erinkate23

I know exactly what you mean.  I had to stop myself from slapping LO's hand when he was trying to pull my computer monitor down last night.  It totally shocked me how automatic my reaction was!

I have been doing a lot of reading about discepline in general (Unconditional Parenting blew my mind), and I'm trying to change my thinking.

So, as DS tried to pull my monitor on his head *again*, I asked myself, WHY is he doing this?  Duh, because he wants my attention and he wants to look at it.  Solution - have him sit on my lap where he can look and touch safely.  

I'm trying to figure out the WHY and get to the heart of the solution.  He started standing in the tub - we bought a safety mat, cover for the spigot and put a towel over the side, and stay close.  Now he can stand.  He keeps going for the fridge; we bought a lock and let him explore the fridge when we're there to supervise. 

I'm not just trying not to SAY no, I'm trying to change the answer to "Yes" in a modified way.  I like it, but DAMN it's hard.