Emotions... (kind of long)

kimmiekp

My eyes welled up with tears only after the doctor said "I'm sorry..."  I was not crying up to that point... I already knew before the doctor said it. I knew when the us tech took the us and put what should have been the heartbeat on the screen and there was none.  I knew when she said she wanted to take a better look vaginally. I REALLY knew when she didn't say anything, the baby wasn't moving, and she excused herself to defer to the doctor.  He came in and verified that the baby's heart wasn't beating.  I didn't cry through any of this.  I told DH I was pissed.  I told him that I'm frustrated... that I really just want someone to tell me why this keeps happening...  Once the doctor came in and essentially told me that he's throwing up his hands in defeat and sending me to a specialist because "something is certainly wrong" he just can't figure out what it is. I explained that I'm frustrated because we can't figure it out and that this time hearing the heart beat I thought I was in the clear... He explained how I'm essentially 1 out of 5 in 100 who miscarried after hearing the heartbeat. It decreases to a 1/3 chance when you hear the hb a second time.   Through all of this I'm mad and frustrated but not crying... He leaves the room and I put my pants back on and I'm just slightly crying expressing my frustration to DH.  I have kept pretty busy since I found out yesterday and I only started to cry slightly when the girls on the July board expressed their sympathy for me.  But I was at work and didn't want to give in to it.  DH said he's really proud of me and he expected me to stay home from work today and stay in bed.  I told him... "I can't sit around feeling sorry or myself, I have responsibilities"  "I'm proud of you" he said...

I AM depressed... there are moments when I would like to just curl up in a ball and cry.  I don't give into that.. .I'm wondering if I should.  I started to get teary when I read a fellow posters story about a D&C and how she asked for her husband when she came to afterward and that she was crying and I imagined myself in her position... I will probably do the same... I dunno. I feel kind of outside myself right now but at the same time still very very VERY frustrated... I just want answers you know?

alexa08

I'm so sorry for your loss and all your pain. I wish I had answers, too.  We each handle this differently and you have every right to be pissed, mad, and upset.  I feel like I've bottled up my emotions often in the past weeks, then I explode in my own space. My heart goes out to you.

opallover

oh, I am so sorry for your loss. It's such a hard place to be in. I think it's ok to deal with your own grief in your own way. It's ok to let it out when your at a stop light, or when something comes on the t.v. - it's ok to do it in your own time. We all do things differently for different reasons. It's ok to do it your way.

 

mkwt

I am so sorry for your loss. (((hugs)))  I had my D&C three weeks ago and some days I am perfectly fine, but then I have days like today when I want to scream, cry and just hit someone.  Take time to get thru your emotions the best way you know how.