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Parenting
Holding children back a year before Kindergarten
Has anyone done this? Or considered it and decided not too?
My oldest child will be 5 in July. She's always been a bit behind others her age socially and with her language skills. She is very shy and I think she lacks confidence. I can see a night and day difference between the way she is with us alone at home and the way she is around others. She tends to clam up if she isn't totally comfortable.
I had a conference with her preschool teacher today to discuss her progress. The teacher says that she is doing fine academically (not the top of her class but not the bottom either) and is a very kind girl with no discipline problems. But, she also says that she has trouble engaging her in class and getting her to participate. She feels that she would benefit from waiting an additional year before she begins kindergarten so that she has had more time to develop socially. She is worried that she would be a wall flower in kindergarten and get overlooked and not be able to shine like she should.
DH and I are now considering this and trying to figure out what to do. While we are not opposed to waiting and want to do whatever she needs I'm not sure what that is. She's a very tall girl already for her age (I'm almost 6 feet tall myself) and I know how hard it was for me in school being so tall. Keeping her back a year would make her height even more apparant and I worry about her being teased and it further worsening her shyness.
We are going to have her undergo the Kindergarten testing they do in Feb and see what they say before deciding for sure but I'd love some input from others that have been through this. Thanks!
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Re: Holding children back a year before Kindergarten
1. When is the cut off where you are? A July birthday seems kind of early to hold her back a year, I would be more inclined to seriously consider holding back a fall baby.
2. It seems awful early in the school year to make this determination, I would definitely have do the kindergarten testing. The preschool teacher may have a different take on this at the next conference.
3. DS has always been shy and still is, I would worry about your DD being bored academically if you held her back a year. I think academics trump the social aspect when starting school.
I really think it depends on the school and district. In our school/district, your DD would be fine. DS was placed with a teacher who is known for being able to tame the wild kids and bring the quiet kids out of their shell. At this school, they aren't expecting KG'ers to come in ready for 1st grade. they went to great lengths before the kids started school to assess their needs, strengths and weaknesses so they could place them where they need to be and spread the needs among the teachers. But, it's not like that everywhere. If you have concerns, I would meet with the elementary school principal, who should be more than willing to take the time to talk to you. If not, I think that should give you a good indication about what sort of school this is. I think you should also take class size into account.
Also, I would be talking to her PS teacher now about what she plans to do to help your DC grow socially in the next few months. I wouldn't make any decisions now regardless, kids change a lot between now and next Aug.
If the teacher is recommending it, I would give it serious consideration. How do you imagine her doing next year? If you have any doubts, I would hold her.
My DD's birthday is 9-13-06 and she makes the cut off for K in Virginia by two weeks but we are seriously considering waiting not because of how she is now (very smart, reading, totally ready academically) but for the future. She is shy and enters her PreK class every day with her fingers in her mouth and it takes her a bit to get engaged in an activity. She would be lost in K next year esp. since the class size at the school we're zoned for is 25. Also, I don't want her going to college at 17, always being the youngest, etc. I think that waiting a year will help her grow and let her be a leader which will serve her well in the long run.
I would consider, but that's about it at this point. It's incredibly early in the school year to even be concerned about how your DD will be doing socially by next fall.
It really is amazing how much children can develop in one year.
My son has a late birthday and so I could of gone either way but since he made the cut-off I sent him according to the cut-off. Yes, there are kids in his class that are a whole year older than him but he has done well academically so I know I made the right decision. My son is also tall so I really did not want to hold him back.
Now for your daughter if she is doing well academically I would put her into Kindergarten and find other ways to engage her socially. It's only January so if the new school year doesn't start until September then she has a long way to go to mature socially. I was a shy child all throughout my schooling K-12. I didn't come out of my shell until college. So I would be more concerned about her being academically ready more than socially.
When is the cutoff? In our district it's Dec. 1, so that would be a pretty long time to wait.
I agree with the others that there is still a lot of the school year left.
I appreciate Melett's story. I feel like DD will be that way. She just isn't particularly interested at the moment, but she has 9 months to become interested and really doesn't need to know. She is socially fine, stays out of trouble, and her birthday is 2 months before the cut off, which is 9/1 here. I don't want to waste a year of DD's life on the back end just because she isn't perfectly ready when chances are very good that she will catch up very quickly. There is a big difference in the younger kids within a grade at 5, but not so much after the first couple of years.
If they had a specific reason, but not just "she is shy" or "she is not as mature" as the kids who are 8-10 months older. Of course she is not and if teachers expect her to be, they shouldn't be teaching kinder.
My mother is a retired educator, and I skipped K...so I was one of the younger kids in class. I don't think she regretted it per se (I did fine, but would have done better sitting out a year), but she would not do it again, and advises people that have doubts to hold their kids back.
She knows many people that regret not holding their kids back, but doesn't know anyone who regrets redshirting.
We are in upstate NY and I am a teacher at a K-2 school. I work with kids in the RTI (response to intervention) process, so not special education students, but kids who are struggling in school and need additional support. I work primarily with Kindergarten students, many of whom have fall birthdays and/or skipped preschool...just giving you my background so you know I'm not totally talking of my ass here!
Okay, with a July birthday here, I'd never even consider it...the thought would not cross my mind. September birthday maybe, October maybe, November very strong maybe...but not July. Our cut-off is December 1. If you didn't send her to K next year, what would your plan be? Does she go to preschool full-time? Would she be able to stay there? Would all of her friends be going on to kindergarten while she stays back? From what you wrote it really just sounds like she is shy. I have had a couple of kids who were just painfully shy...that is their personality, and all of the extra time in the world would not have changed it. It's just who they are, and keeping them back is not the answer. Shyness is a tough thing because some kids really just are not risk-takers, don't want to be around a lot of other people, and so on. I think it's more about finding what they are interested in and trying to get them to open up through that. Maybe music lessons or art lessons, but probably not dance since performing in front of everyone might be a disaster! Find her a good little friend in the neighborhood or in her school and try to have frequent playdates to help her open up a little. When you register her with the school write on the paperwork that she is very shy and that you are concerned about it. Talk to the teacher when school starts and let her know what you are doing at home to work through it.
That's just my opinion...take it fwiw!
ETA: the other thing to think about is the fact that you say she has always been behind in language. What makes you say that? Has she ever been evaluated? Now is the time to get that rolling if there is a need for it, so that she can start some speech services before school and have it all in place when school starts. The earlier the intervention the better, if it is needed!
Girl, I am struggling with this too!!!!
I have a son who is my second born, and a gifted child. I am by trade an elementary teacher who is now a SAHM. My son stayed home with me last year. Our school district (Durham, NC) will take gifted students who are ready a year early. Honestly we looked at this as a free year of school and thought we would 'give him his year back' at some point. My son was lucky enough to be chosen for this, and is thriving in K- academically, emotionally, socially. There are a few kids in his class who turned 6 while he was still 4, but no problems. Situation couldn't be better. Teacher, school, classmates, seriously- we hit the jackpot.
Well fast forward to now we are looking to relocate back home to Boston. Because of his age, Boston will not take him for first grade. They don't care that he has already met the promotion benchmark for grade 1, that he can read or if he can stand on his head. If I were to put him in Boston public schools I would have to keep him back, and now I have no idea what to do. I cannot imagine him sitting there learning abc's again next year.
Have you read Outliers? I swear that Malcolm Gladwell is part of the reason for this. It's worth a read if you haven't checked it out. There is a chapter about this issue. Basic premise is that children who wait a year amass 10,000 more hours of practice in what they like to do, and therefore end up much more successful in their chosen field. Some of the examples he gives are Bill Gates and pretty much the entire NHL.
I think the best advice I've gotten is from a local school principal in Boston. She said make the decision that you think is best and be done with it, don't second guess yourself.
I was a July baby with a 9/1 cut-off. I was painfully shy and the product of a 100% SAH child. I don't recall going to preschool. I did do dance and Sunday school. I did have a hard first few years of Elementary School socially. Academically, I had some trouble in some areas but caught up academically faster. I ended up doing well in school, went to college (just turning 18) and at some point became much more out-going. I don't know that waiting a year would have made my life better or easier. I am so very glad for my experiences and friends I met along the way which were honestly way more impt than my schoolwork. I think through my struggles I had to learn perservance. I do think I would have done better with preschool or somehow learning better social skills. I think in life, you play the cards you are dealt esp as a child. I think more parents have regrets than the children. I do think it would be hard to be the tallest (it was annoying being the shortest...I got called shorty, short stuff. Being called long legs, etc would be just as annoying maybe even more hurtful)
My DD has a August birthday. She turned 5 the day before K started. She did go through daycare and then prek 4. Her preschool teacher, whom I trusted, stated DD was doing great! That she would be fine in K. She is alot difference than me as a child. DD is very outgoing, very social. Her K teacher reports that she is doing just fine. She is so very smart! We have been to several 6 yr birthdays this year already.
DS1 had he been born in August. It would be harder to send him! I may have held him back. He is much more reserved than DD. I hope he does well in PreK3 next year. I am so very glad he is a September baby and will be the oldest in his class. He is short for a boy so it would give him time to grow.
I would totally get her more socially involved with activities and just anything. And also help catch her up with her academics (if you said she was behind, I can't remember now). I would shoot for her going this next year.
I really appreciate everyone's input! DH and I have been doing a lot of talking about it the past few days and right now for us the pros of holding her back a year seem to outweigh the cons. The main one for me is the pre-school teachers recommendation as you mentioned. She knows better than anyone how our daughter does in the class and based on her experience with others moving on to Kindergarten she is in a good position to know if our daughter may not be ready.
She asked for the conference with me right now because she wanted me to know what was going on and have a lot of time to consider what we want to do. She is going to work on drawing her out more and wanted to brainstorm ways we can help her at home as well as in class. The sign up for next years preschool class is in January and the director has urged us to go ahead and sign her up for it since there is only one class that caters to the "older" kids that are held back or miss the deadline and we don't want to lose a spot if we need it. But, she will hold the registration fee until the end of April/early May when we'd need to make a final decision.
To answer the cutoff question right now it's Sept 15th but next year it moves to Sept 1st.
The behind in language thing I say because she always seemed to hit those milestones a little later (by a few months) than the books suggested. I did take her to pediatricians about it a few times as a nervous first time Mom but every time they evaluated her they said they didn't see any problems and that she was just a late bloomer and a couple months later I'd see they were right and she had caught up. I also spoke to her preschool teacher about it and she said she doesn't see any markers for anything that would concern her in that way.
These days she is very well spoken and very engaged ...if it's with someone she knows well or family. She's grown a lot in the past year and a half through preschool socially but she's still behind a lot of her peers. Before she started she would actually leave an area if other kids were there. Now she'll play with them even if she won't actually converse with them.