I only sound like it when I write posts like these, I guess. I cannot say this to anyone in real life, I don't want anyone to know these thoughts actually crossed my mind, and anyway, they'd just say reassuring unrealistic things anyway.
If anyone watches "How I Met Your Mother", he pretty much narrated my life last night. "When your friends share great news, you are ecstatic for them for about 2 nanoseconds, then you start thinking about yourself..." (not exact quote but something like that).
Last night we found out my brother and SIL are having twins, she is 8 weeks behind me. Now I am thrilled for them, and I already love my little nieces/nephews/niece&nephew and am SO thankful for them. She had trouble getting pregnant in the first place (probably why there's twins, actually, from the medication) and who knows if she'd be able to get pregnant again, so maybe 2 in 1 is their only shot at the family they wanted. There is plenty about a single baby that has its advantages, a better shot at a normal pregnancy, full-term baby, etc. I am thankful for the baby that I have, and I wouldn't change it.
I couldn't help but think as I was not sleeping last night that I immediately felt like this little guy was less special to my family. It was like the ultimate "one-up" (which I know of course was not intentioned, etc.) but already my mom was talking about how she might not make it out (to CO, where we are) because she'll need to be taking turns with SIL's mom back home. I was hoping to have visitors over the summer, but now when there will be two babies only a 2 hr drive away (not a 3 hr plane ticket) I am doubting that I'll have many.
I honestly do not want to admit any of these thoughts. About a month before SIL found out, their good friends announced their 2nd pregnancy. SIL and brother had been trying so they were disappointed and jealous (but of course didn't show it, just personally). However, the friend lost the baby a few weeks later. I thought from that I don't want to waste a minute of jealousy or whatever you might call it on that, and just focus on being thankful for what I have. I feel like maybe putting out here and getting the reality check from you all might be what it takes to just put it out of my head. TIA.