late intro, and counseling vent

arwo

I've posted a few times before, but without a proper introduction. I miscarried about 6 weeks ago. It was not a planned pregnancy (I am on BCP, and even on the pill I am irregular), so I don't know for sure when I conceived, but it probably happened on my wedding night, which would have meant I was just short of 6 weeks when I miscarried naturally.

It was the worst thing I have ever gone through. I feel like I am the living proof that "unplanned" is NOT the same as "unwanted." I miss the baby that I never got to know. The first few weeks were the worst, but even when I started feeling half-functional, I couldn't really concentrate on anything mentally demanding. I am a full time graduate student and I am failing my classes because I can't focus enough to learn the material. I have suffered from insomnia and body image problems--I hate that my body betrayed me this way. My husband has been so, so supportive, but he's just not struggling emotionally the way that I am, so he doesn't really understand why I am having such a hard time. I can't really blame him--I expect that no one who hasn't been through this can understand.

A few weeks ago, I went to the doctor to have my hormone levels checked, and I broke down sobbing when the lab tech asked if they were doing a pregnancy test. Eventually, my doctor recommended counseling to help me make it through the end of the school quarter.

So here's my vent: the counselor made me feel worse instead of better. I don't mean she made me feel worse in the sense of "working through" the loss--she just made me feel worse, and like the miscarriage was my fault. I swear, if you google "things not to say to a woman who has had a miscarriage" you will find at least three things she said to me. She told me something like "the baby could tell you were stressed out and too busy for a baby, and didn't want to come into that world." I was already crying when she said that, but I was so shocked that I stopped long enough to say "That makes me feel worse, not better!" My husband thinks she is trying to drum up business for herself. I don't think anyone could be that horrible, but I certainly think she is incompetent.

Has anyone had a good experience with counseling? I can't believe my experience with counseling is normal, so there must be some good people out there. Is it worth it to look around and try to find someone better? (I'm sorry this got so long, but I am so angry!)

Laurakat81

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even believe your counselor is that horrible and stupid! I am so sorry you had to hear that! I see a counselor and she never said anything remotely like that! If you can change counselors and don't ever step foot in her office again. Seriously that ticks me off that she said that to you! It was not your fault at all. Stress does not cause miscarriages. And if an unborn baby could " tell you were too busy" then I'd like her to explain why babies can't also tell their moms are drug users? I think it's definitely worth sticking with counseling in general so long as it's not with someone who makes you feel worse. As for your DH, I'm sorry too. I've had a tough time with mine as well. You are right they don't quite get it like we do. It can get lonely. I've drug mine to therapy with me so he can better understand. I hope you find some peace soon.

malindasuern

I'm so sorry for your loss and what you're going through.  I have been in counseling off and on since college and I know it does help.  Finding the right one is the hard part.  If you can find one that you feel comfortable with I think it really can be helpful.  My fiance and I actually went together after we lost the baby.  And I don't sleep at night really either so if you ever need someone to talk to I am here.

arwo

Thank you, everyone. I had been second-guessing myself, but I am glad you all agree with me that she was really really inappropriate. Ugh! I wish I had been together enough at the time to tell her what a ridiculous, awful thing to say that was. And I am glad to hear that you've had success with counseling.

It's sad that we end up getting to know each other this way, but I really appreciate your support; I'm so sorry for all your losses, and I wish you all the best.

dana1318a

I am so sorry for your loss, and so sorry your counselor said that to you!  That is unbelievable..none of this was your "fault".  I was watching Dr. Phil the other day (flame away if you must lol) and he said to a guest (not mc related, but it sort of spoke to me), "This is not your fault.  Fault implies intention, and no part of you intend for this to happen," 

((hugs))

bsullivan2

Wow! Absolutley fine another counselor! I am sorry that you are going through this. It is hard enough not to blame ourselves when it happens! I hope that you find someone you can talk to who will give you the help and guidance you need during this painful time.

Kristipie

I'm so sorry for your loss. This cou