s/o marriage...do you think

mrs.n22

Do you think a lot of people stay together becuase they have kids or just because they are comfortable...but not because they are happy?

I was at a party Friday and almost every girl there said if it wasn't for the kids they would be divorced..they were all unhappy.

Kinda depressing.

Lopo

I also think it has to do with all the work it takes to get divorced.  Dividing assets, if you have kids-custody issues, the money it involves.  It's very sad. 

jessicaclare

I think some people stay together because of the kids, but, personally, I think a lot of people stay miserable because they are unwilling to really work on things and just use the excuse that they are staying together for the kids. Marriage is work and its not all puppies and rainbows. Sometimes its hard and not everyone is happy. I know a good number of people that are like this (but its certainly not that way for everyone who is unhappy or getting a divorce)

Also, staying together for the kids is the lamest excuse ever to stay married. Your kids deserve two parents who are HAPPY and a home that is happy. If that means it has to be two homes, so be it.

hersheykiss

DH's parents should have divorced 15 years ago. We think they had some sort of deal that they would wait until the youngest was XX age. They finally divorced last year. I think a lot of people that probably would normally divorce stay together for the kids, but while DH and I have our problems we do know that we should be together and won't divorce.

YAMAGAIN

What's depressing is you are a teacher and you have never spelled "a lot" correctly.

monica93555

For most I'd have to say it's because of the kids. I've known kidless marriages whereby the couple were unhappy for many, many years. But eventually they got tired of being unhappy and figured that it was worth it to go out of their comfort zone to be happy. I guess everyone gets sick and tired of being unhappy eventually and so they do something about it, even after being unhappy for 10 to 20 years.

I'm looking foward to seeing others thoughts on this though.

Before my fiance and I got pregnant we were so unhappy. Once we had our son and felt the love that only parents know for him we figured that our son was enough motivation for us to solve our problems to make ourselves happy again. Most of our problems were communication problems. We still have our rough patches but we're both happy overall with each other and are more in love than before we had our son. So we've learned that after having kids they can either make or break the realationship (that is if you've had problems prior to the kids). Maybe I offered up too much info but hey, I'm in that kind of mood today

mrs. sage

jessicaclare:

I think some people stay together because of the kids, but, personally, I think a lot of people stay miserable because they are unwilling to really work on things and just use the excuse that they are staying together for the kids. Marriage is work and its not all puppies and rainbows. Sometimes its hard and not everyone is happy. I know a good number of people that are like this (but its certainly not that way for everyone who is unhappy or getting a divorce)

Also, staying together for the kids is the lamest excuse ever to stay married. Your kids deserve two parents who are HAPPY and a home that is happy. If that means it has to be two homes, so be it.

 

This. 

emiliemadison

Yes, I do. It's sad, because what unhappily married people should do "for the kids" is get divorced and be happy.

This isnt a new thing, either. One of the things that irks me in the young marriage posts is when people say things like if their grandparents/parents got married in their teens/early 20s and stayed married, why couldnt they? Except many people dont acknowledge that even a few decades ago, divorce was fairly taboo and people often stayed in unhappy and unhealthy marriages simply because they didnt want to be judged. Women certainly didnt have the options they do today and sometimes staying married wasnt a choice.

sunnyday016

YAMAGAIN:

What's depressing is you are a teacher and you have never spelled "a lot" correctly.

 

mrs.n22

YAMAGAIN:

What's depressing is you are a teacher and you have never spelled "a lot" correctly.

I am typing fast a lot...does that make you happy?

jenn_darrin1515

My mother told me before I got married that she and my father talked about divorce but decided to stay married for the sake of their kids...I would have preferred them to have divorced...there was a lot of yelling/fighting in my house growing up...

rebus82

Absolutely. Of all the couples I know, I can't name one who hasn't stayed married out of habit, security, or children. They're not all miserable now, but have certainly been in the past where they could (if not should) have divorced.

And yes, I include my own marriage in that group. (ETA: I don't mean we're unhappy now, we're fairly good now, we've just had serious issues in the past.)

Holljade

Although it may be a selfish reason-it could mean staying together so you can see your kid everyday. Can you imagine not being able to live with your LO? Having to see them with a new step parent? Would you really be more happy NOT living with them? I can certainly understand why some people would want to stay together so they can be with their children full time.

What I don't understand is people who don't at least try to get help with their marriage. Before you totally write off being happy with your SO do all you can to try and make it work and actually be happy.

I mean I definetly get that staying together isn't always what's best for the kids, especially if abuse and cheating is involved. I just wanted to give another point of view.

erino&chrish

Yes.  There was a post some time ago and I was shocked by the number of people who said they would leave if it weren't for the kids.  A lot of people also said they would leave even with LO's if they didn't depend on their H's for income.

buboo

YAMAGAIN:

What's depressing is you are a teacher and you have never spelled "a lot" correctly.

I think it's depressing that you cant make this lame callout under your regular SN.

EastCoastBride

*Holljade*:

Although it may be a selfish reason-it could mean staying together so you can see your kid everyday. Can you imagine not being able to live with your LO?

This is actually the reason why a friend of mine almost went back to her DH.  Only getting her boys 50% of the time kills her.

But she also knows she was miserable in the marriage and that in the long run, this is better for the kids.

jessicaclare

*Holljade*:

Although it may be a selfish reason-it could mean staying together so you can see your kid everyday. Can you imagine not being able to live with your LO? Having to see them with a new step parent? Would you really be more happy NOT living with them? I can certainly understand why some people would want to stay together so they can be with their children full time.

What I don't understand is people who don't at least try to get help with their marriage. Before you totally write off being happy with your SO do all you can to try and make it work and actually be happy.

I mean I definetly get that staying together isn't always what's best for the kids, especially if abuse and cheating is involved. I just wanted to give another point of view.

I think that if it comes down to being in a household where the parents are miserable with each other, fighting all the time and generally setting a bad example of how to be in a healthy relationship, you owe it to your children to either get your marriage some help, or get divorced. Would it suck to have to spend time apart from your kids? Absolutely. No question. But to have them live in a tense environment is not fair to them at all.

I know some people think kids don't know, but they absolutely do. Even if DH and I are talking about something that makes one of upset (not fighting, about something outside of our marriage), my three year totally picks up on it and comments. She can tell if I have a bad day or if I'm sad even if I try my hardest not to show it. I wouldn't want my kids to live in an evironment like that just so I could see them everyday.

FerreraRocher

I think a lot of people stay together because it's convenient and/or they have kids.

monica93555

*Holljade*:

What I don't understand is people who don't at least try to get help with their marriage. Before you totally write off being happy with your SO do all you can to try and make it work and actually be happy.

Very good point! My fiance and I could have given up and parted ways but we felt like not only would be giving up on ourselves we'd be giving up on our son and the family we could have. Like I said before, we don't have a perfect relationship and we still have our rough patches but overall we're happy and our relationship is a work in progress. But isn't that how most relationships are? I think it's important for people to realize that relationships and marriages aren't like the movies... it's hard work but just because life gets difficult doesn't mean we just throw in the towel.

I also agree though that if 2 people have tried to work it out and it doesn't get better and there is abuse, yelling, or just a whole of negativity in the household then that's when it does make sense to part ways. But it's important for people to try to make it work first and don't assume that just because it's not easy then it must be over!

AfterAll

I agree with what some other people said... a lot of people get married for the wedding, for the ring, and beause their biological cloks are ticking and they feel that they have to get married... so the settle.

Once kids come along, the prospect of facing that alone is far scarier than dealing with an unhappy marriage for most people... because in an unhappy marriage, there is still somoene else there to divide the responsibilities with.

kristie2422

DH's parents stayed together because of kids. Now that they are grown FIL won't divorce MIL because he doesn't want to split everything 50/50 with her so instead he just b!tches about her nonstop. Behind her back, in front of her, it doesn't matter and makes it very awkward for everyone around. My sister believes that once you have kids you stay together no matter what and that you can fake it for the kids so they don't sense what is going on. My husband says it doesn't work, since he was one of those kids and you can still tell.

I do think you should use all resources before calling it quits. For me it would be hard to only see DS 50%, but if I'm happier alone than I would make it work and make the most of my time with him.

BlairWaldorf

*Holljade*:

Although it may be a selfish reason-it could mean staying together so you can see your kid everyday. Can you imagine not being able to live with your LO? Having to see them with a new step parent? Would you really be more happy NOT living with them? I can certainly understand why some people would want to stay together so they can be with their children full time.

What I don't understand is people who don't at least try to get help with their marriage. Before you totally write off being happy with your SO do all you can to try and make it work and actually be happy.

I mean I definetly get that staying together isn't always what's best for the kids, especially if abuse and cheating is involved. I just wanted to give another point of view.

Agreed.

macchiatto

I believe most unhappily married couples, like a pp mentioned, are just not willing to work on the issues (or often one spouse is while the other is not). Most marriages can be saved; in many cases, people get divorced and are still unhappy because of their unresolved personal issues they weren't working on. I always recommend seeking individual and couples counseling before deciding whether divorce is the answer (except in cases of abuse or similar extreme circumstances). That way even if you do end up apart, you will have worked through your issues and not just carry the baggage on with you into future relationships.

jojoh1008

I think people that say they stay together for the sake of kids are just using this as their excuse. I think many people stay together b/c they're afraid that they won't find someone else to really be happy with and would rather be miserable with someone.

returnhomegnome

That is depressing, but I don't think it has to STAY that way.

I think marriages go through flux normally, and we have to be on top of it to keep things good!

This past year my DH is in his third year of night school, working 50-60 hour weeks, we bought a house and have a wee one. And I transitioned to SAHM (and I whine about it).

Stress much? YES!! And we have worked hard to channel the stress: to cling more closely to each other and support each other more selflessly, rather than allowing that stress to tear us apart and destroy our relationship!

Just because things are depressing at a time, doesn't mean there can't be change for the better. It may take a few years, but it is SO worth the work!