new here to share my story, (long but please read) saddest days of my life

Fallon621

OK so my name is Fallon I am 24 and have an amazing 5 year old son!

I dont know all the technical ebreviations you ladies use so bare with me.

I dont even know where to start.  I had a regular checkup appointment with my ob on december 1st and to hear the heart beat of my baby at 10 an a half weeks. And before the doctor touched me the the doppler she said it my be too early but she would try anyway, I have heard from about 9 to 12 weeks you can hear it and i did with my son at 10 weeks.  But she looked for about 3 minutes and could not find the heart beat.  I immediatly started crying but she told me not to worry that like she said it may just be too early.  I made her schedule and U/S anyway and that was scheduled for thursday Dec the 9th . 

I was still very worried because a few weeks like 2 or 3 before this I was telling my fiance and his mother that something just didnt seem right and I didnt feel like everything was with our baby. I had to signs or symptoms, no bleeding or cramping and no sickness.  so this friday that just passed Dec the 3rd my finace came home from his second job on a lunch break and told him to take the rest of the day off because we needed to go to the ER.  So we went I told them i was in pain (which I wasnt) dont know if that was wrong to do i jusy knew something was wrong.  they did blood work to check my levels and took a urine sample.  they aso did an internal and external U/S and I couldnt really see the screen during it because of the way I was positioned, the Tech was very quiet and gave no sighn of anything eather way.  We were then brought back to our room to WAIT!!!  the longest wait of my life!  I guess after the doctors read over my resutls and look at the U/S about an hour later the doctor came in and gave us the worst new of our lives.  OUR BABY WAS GOME :'(.  somehow I knew it.  He obv couldnt tell us what went wrong and said that baby was measuring at about 6 and a half weeks but that there could have been some shriking?!?!?  This is the only MC I have had.

I told the doc about my feelings a few weeks ago that i just didnt feel right and he asked if i had a decrease in symptoms or somthing because if woulod have been almost impossible to just know.  and i told him no that my breast are still very sore, that i am actually showing a little because i has gained 60 lbs while pregnant with my son.  I said I guess it was just a womans intuition.  dont know any other way of putting it. And also something freaky was that i had a dream 2 weeks ago that i was bldding down there!!

So still no bleeing or anything so it still hasnt all hit me yet, like not real yet.  Although I cant stop crying.  and Def can not sleep.  I have amazing support from my Fiance and family and friends but none of them are feeling my pain right now and dont know the "right" words to say, I guess there really arent any?  they all have offerd to come to my house and support when i cry in the middle of the night but I just dont really want to be botherd right now.

One of the worst parts is that we havnt told our son yet.  He has been so over the moon excited that he is going to be a big brother and is hoping to have a little sister, he even named her if it was a girl and we were going to keep that name is that was the out come.  We just dont know how or what to say to him!?!?  with everything else in life we are very blunt and honest with him as parents we want him to not be too shelterd and know what real life is all about and that horrible things do happen.  But now with this we just dont know what to do!!?  any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

 And to top this all off my Fiances sister is staying with us and her 2 daughters untill her new bf is approved for their house.  she is still married to her husband and left him in Japan where he is stationed in the airforce and refuses to let him see his kids.  she met this new guy not even a year ago.  I do not like her for many reasons not needed to be said on here but she is such a fake person.  BUT SHE IS PREGNANT!!!!!  IN MY HOUSE!!!! and is due a few days before I was on MY BIRTHDAY!!!!  I dont know why that makes me so angry, sad and not like her even more, it seems wrong but I can not help it at all.  and she is trying to keep it a secret from everyone including her kidsfor as long as she can because of the divorce. I guess and because her kids would not react to well to it.

I am going crazy over here any advice or input would be great!  Thanks for letting me vent here.

My baby is still inside me and I go to the doc tomorrow what can I expect because I am so clueless over here.

shanna82

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Unfortunately, there isn't really much we can tell you to do.  Everyone grieves differently and needs to handle their loss in their own way.  If you need to cry, cry.  If you need to scream, scream.  If you need to get away, take a vacation and get away with your FI.  I did all of the above.

I do know that this board and TTCAL have saved me for the last 7 months since our loss.  Talking on here with other woman who were feeling very similar to what I was feeling is very comforting.

Your OB will probably discuss the options of either a shot that can induce you to m/c naturally or a D&C.  I do not know about the shot, but I do know about naturally m/c.  It can be very painful, especially the further along you are.  I know you said your baby had gotten smaller (this does happen a lot with a missed m/c), but your sac should still measure around 10 weeks, so it could be hard for you to do this naturally.  The D&C was quick and fairly painless.  Just make sure your OB uses general anesthesia if you go with the D&C.

((big hugs)) to you. 

dana1318a

I am so sorry for your loss    I don't have any advice for what to tell your son, and I'm sorry you're having to deal with that stress on top of everything that is happening.  ((hugs))

rowanleaves

Im so sorry for your loss. Try to breathe through the worst parts of your grief, and let your body take care of you. Tell your son that sometimes babies decide to go on ahead early, and that while you will miss him or her, that its ok to be sad. Your son will understand. Kids have amazing intuition. 

 

Chin up, lovely. It will be ok.