I think I'm ready to de-lurk - with a touchy-nosy question

Jenandtonica

Pardon any formatting ick - I'm on my iPod touch.

I had an emergency c-cection last Monday and gave birth to my triplets at 28w1d. I think they'll probably call it pPROM. The doctors & nurses all say my trio are doing really well for even 28w singletons, let alone triplets. My blog has photos and stat-type stuff if you're interested in more info.

The nosy question: I tried today to write their birth story. I don't know if it's residual trauma, hormones or what, but I can't bring myself to call their birthday the happiest day of my life like it seems all other mommies say. Preemie thing? Hormone thing? Bad-mom thing?

hollerjeepgirl

Well first off, congrats on your new babies!! I'm dealing with pPROM now and can say that it's not the happiest time of your life, especially not with all of the stress. Once your babies are home safe with you you'll realize that, although it may not be the happiest day of your life depending on how you feel, it'll be ONE of the happiest days because you know it was worth it. Don't feel guilty, it's part of being a preemie mom. It has nothing to do with being a bad mom and who knows, part of it may be because of hormones. It's tough, it's not a fun situation and no one wants to deliver under these circumstances. It's how you deal with it and you're going to go through the same steps you would if you're grieving because you're angry

MrsShrek1028

Congrats! I have been reading up on your babies, they were born about 4days gestationally ahead of Avery.

Anyway, don't feel guilty, you are anything but a bad mom. I still don't call Avery's birthday one of the happiest days of my life. I still (after almost 6 weeks) feel guilt/sadness about the day he was born.

 

luvdv8

There are plenty of full-term mammas who don't think their baby's birth was the happiest day of their lives: pain, confusion, things not going as you planned, baby not begin as you expected, etc can leave you feeling less than 100% about the whole experience. Don't feel bad if you don't feel it right now or ever- your children will be the best thing to happen to you regardless of how they got here.

kamcfarlane

congrats on your triplets! i'm glad they're doing so well!

 don't worry about the birth story. it will come to you. DS's birthday was the best and worst day of my life. and it took a long, long time for the best part of it to come into focus next to the worst part of it.

Northof54

Congrats on the triplets

 

My GGG were born at 33.6.  I had a Grade IV Placenta Abruption.  It was VERY scary and the worst / scariest moment in my life.  It was also the happiest because my ggg were here.... but that I didn't get to until about 8 months later.    For 45 minutes I thought my Baby A wasn't alive.  My doctor says it is very similar to a post traumatic stress syndrome.  It took me a long time.  And I had to "debrief" with my doctor after 8 months just to ask the questions.... hear the details.... and finally accept it.

 

Never ever think it's a bad mom thing.  Let it absorb.... The birth of a baby is huge... the birth of three is 3x as huge  

Congrats again on the babies

Rachel&Joe

def. a preemie thing.  stella's birthday the worst day of my life.  it will get better though--hang in there.

ssg73

I still have not been able to write out Ella's birth story, 16 months later.  I describe it as the best day and worst day of my life all wrapped up in one.  But really if I am honest it was the worst day of my life.  I am actually ok with it.  It took me a while (and some therapy) to be ok with it most days.  I found that I really had to allow myself to greive the loss of E's birthday and that really can't happen when you are still on the nicu roller coaster.  It just takes time.  We have all been there, you are an awesome mom.  Hugs and I am so glad that your trio is doing so well!

These blog posts pretty much are as close to how I felt a week after her birth and how it changes as I have gotten further away from E's birth.

https://darwinsmommies.blogspot.com/2010/07/how-it-should-have-been.html

https://darwinsmommies.blogspot.com/2010/11/this-is-picture-of-me-holding-little-e.html

FemmeNat01

Congrats on your triplets! Don't feel guilty about how you feel. It's completely normal when dealing with preemies. It took me weeks (like 6+) to be able to even write/talk about my whole experience. 8 months later, and I'm still dealing with it. Everything you're feeling is absolutely normal. You're a great mom.

magdalina.h

Yeah no...Aidan's birthday was not the happiest day of my life. I hated people congratulating me. I just kept thinking people, it's too soon. The time I spent with him were the happiest days of my life.

Leigh71

I would be worried if a preemie mom was all happy and posting how wonderful the birth day was... so, I think what you are describing is completely normal. 

As a pp stated...I, too, was worried if my baby B was breathing.  She made no sound, and I could hear them rushing around in the OR.  The day was quite traumatic...  and I didn't want anyone visiting us/our babies in the NICU.  Not even family.  Omg-- the day my DH let his dad and wicked Step-MIL come....I thought I was going to lose it.  I can't stand her, and she has no filter on her mouth.  She was so obnoxiously loud, and saying..."oh my God...they are SO TINY".  and even worse... "Oh...oh..oh...I HAVE to get a picture with my hand in there (the isolette) so people can see how little they are."  It was as if this was amusement for her.  I was praying each day at their bedside that they would have the strength to live and survive.  And she's snapping photos.

For now, their baby books are closed.  One day, I will feel like telling their story, but not just yet. I need to get thru today and be the best mommy I can be one day at a time.  Congratulations on your 3 beautiful LOs.  This preemie board has really helped me.  It lets me know I'm not alone.

mrsmikey

kamcfarlane:

 

 don't worry about the birth story. it will come to you. DS's birthday was the best and worst day of my life. and it took a long, long time for the best part of it to come into focus next to the worst part of it.

This is pretty much how I felt too.  I will always grieve the birth experience we didn't get to have.  It still stings everytime I read a full term birth story, 3 years later.  I never wrote down Eli's birth story.  By the time I came to terms with the fact of what happened, it seemed insignificant in the scheme of things.  Not that his birth was insignificant, but the details just didn't mean so much anymore.

It took me a long time to really feel like a mom.  I mean, I had this tiny little baby, and I did everything I could for him, but the 'instant bond' that you hear so much about, it just wasn't there.  And I felt super guilty about that, like there was something wrong with me.  Now, not only do I think that's very common for preemie moms, but I think it's fairly common for full term moms.  Just one of those things people don't like to tell you, or feel ashamed to admit.

I am so glad your babies are doing well and you are doing a fantastic job caring for them in the ways you can, and pumping all that milk!  Pumping and me, we were not friends.  I loathed that thing and threatened more than once to throw it out the window.  But you do what you gotta do.  Just hang in there, and take it day by day.  It will all come around, I promise

Heather1979

Congrats on your LOs!

To be totally fair and honest about things, the day Olivia was born was NOT the happiest day of my life. It was probably the scariest day of my life. Seeing her on the vent, not knowing what was going to happen, etc. NOT my idea of a happy day. It was wonderful to get to see her in the 10 seconds I had with her before they whisked her away to the NICU, but not the happiest by far, and not the worst day of my life either.

The worst day of my life was discharge day- leaving her in the hospital while I had to go was the worst. Add to it a nosy front desk clerk who asked me loudly where my baby was like I forgot her or something. (I still want kudos, coffee, and cake for not b!tch slapping her).

The best day was the day she finally came home. That day was magical for me. Just getting her home, cuddling with her in the recliner, me in  my jammies and her in her onesie, knowing that I did not have to put her back under the bili lights (although she ended up with a wallaby later that week at home), and I could hold her as long as I liked. I don't think I put her down for a few hours that day.

 I still get a tinge of jealousy/madness when I hear about relatives/friends/etc who have uneventful pregnancies and uneventful full term birth stories. I think it's natural to feel that way. I hope with time the intensity of the feelings will fade, but I doubt they will ever truly go away- and in a way I'm not sure I'd want it to all totally go away, kwim?

ijack

Congratulatoins on your beautiful babies! I've been following your story since you had them (I'm a friend of Nanna's) and thinking about you often

Definitely a preemie thing. I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to say that DD's birthday was a "happy" day. Obviously I love her more than anything in the world, but the day she was born was one of the scariest days of my life. My husband was out of town and even though I'd been in the hospital for weeks no one realized I was in labor until I was 8cm. I was alone and terrified and it was horrible. I can look back on it and know that something amazing came out of the pain, but it took me a LONG time to get here.

Hugs to you!

At1stsight

I've posted a very similar thing before. His birthday was SUPPOSED to be the happiest day of my life. It wasn't. It absolutely wasn't. All of us who had babies sent straight to the NICU for emergency medical intervention were robbed of that feeling, and it sucks. I was sad/angry/bitter about it for a long time. I still get waves where I might feel that way. But luckily, as time moves forward, I get so many amazing moments with him that I could call the best days of my life. The first purposeful hugs, the rush to greet me, etc.

I did have a moment in the hospital where I finally felt like a real mom (b/c honestly, even though I had a vaginal birth, everything was so chaotic I wouldn't call delivery that moment). It was the first time he opened his eyes in the NICU to the sound of my voice and tried to look at me. I never felt more special in the whole entire world than when my baby turned to look at me. Me, his mama.

:hugs: Hang in there.

Million$$Baby

Hi - I'm glad to see you on here! I've been catching up on your blog ever since I discovered it during the Bump awards

First of all, congratulations on your babies. As for the "happiest day of your life" thing, I will honestly say that my babies' birth was NOT the happiest day of my life. It was easily the most terrifying. It was sudden and scary as hell and they were 15 WEEKS early. No, I wasn't really happy. I didn't get to hold them after birth - hell, I didn't even get to SEE them. It wasn't magical or joyful - I wish it was, but it wasn't. And I've never felt guilty about not feeling like it was the happiest day of my life, and you shouldn't either.

The happiest days of my life were the two when I brought them home from the NICU.

Hang in there!

njdcgirl

Congrats on the birth of your girls!  I hope they continue to do well and thrive!

Ditto what many others have said about the day of my son's birth.  NOT the happiest, but the most scary day.  At 16 weeks early, it took me weeks to even believe he was going to live.  Day he was discharged (just last Monday!) was one of the best days, so was the first time I held him (which was at 5 weeks old).  Having a preemie definitely robs us of what is normal.  It's totally normal to feel the way you do.  Hang in there!

mrstarawalsh

Congrats on your triplets!

 

IDK if it's a preemie thing or a hormonal thing, but I definitly can say that the day my daughter was born was NOT the happiest day of my life. In fact, it was one of the absoloute worst.I don't think there's much worse than seeing your child struggling to live.

SarahTx5701

Hey sweetie.

I had ds at 35 weeks. It wasnt terribly early, however, He was transported to another hospital  with a nicu and I sat in my hospital bed and sobbed for the 3 days we were apart. There is no way his birthday was the happiest day of my life. 2 years later....It still hurts.

I think its very normal, plus when you add in all the worry and stress a nicu mom feels, it make perfect sense as to why its so hard to sit down and relieve all those feelings. I had a very hard time writing ds birth story (what I actually remember from all the drugs). I think I tried at 6 weeks.

At 4 months I was still in agony over feeling like a failure and dealing with the emotional trauma of his birth. I finally saw my doctor who diagnosed it as ppd. It was good to finally get some help.

It definetly takes time.

Big hugs!!!

 

Kate621

I'm late to the party, but I just wanted to offer my input. My DS was born at 25 weeks 6 days. It was easily the worst day of my life. We were so scared and didn't know if he was going to make it. I hate it that his birthday and the days leading up to it were so stressful and terrifying. We just made it out of the NICU after 4 months and I think it is going to take me a very long time to be ok with everything. I hope that in the future I can come to terms with the way things happened but right now even thinking about his first birthday gives me anxiety.

You are a great mom! I have been following your story on BOTB. Sending a huge hug to you & praying for those sweet babies. 

TriciaJoy

That's all just a part of your new normal.

My son is 2.5 (was a 26 weeker) and I still think of that as the scariest day of my life. The first time I held him (he was 5 days old) was the happiest.
Just last weekend, a friend of my husband's was asking a lot of details about the day Robbie was born and I started shaking- definitely a PTSD response. It was a traumatic day for all of us.

lexismom1008

Congrats on your babies!! I definitely agree with PP, DS birthday was the best and worst day of my life. It was amazing to see this tiny little creature for the first time, but I was absolutely terrified. We had no clue what was going to happen with him. I still have nightmares about his birthday. The first time I got to do kangaroo care with him was when I actually felt like a mom. That was the best day of my life!

FisMom

Congratualtions!

Total preemie thing! I called my best friend and told her after DD was born. She was super happy about it but I could only cry. I journaled about it that night, but very briefly. It was weeks and weeks before I could really write it out, and then I would forget details. Definitely not a bad mom thing.

lemen99

Congrats! I'm glad your babies are doing well.  It sounds like they are fighters.  I definitely would not call Andrew's birthday one of the best days of my life.  One of the scariest, maybe.

tarapaige1

I feel the same way. I have even called DS's birthday the worst day of my life.  DH gets upset with me but he just doesn't understand.  He tells me to focus on how well DS is doing and how lucky we are.  And I know those things, but it's still hard. 

Anyway, I think your feelings are completely normal.  Maybe they'll fade with time, or maybe they'll be with us forever.  I definitely think it's a preemie thing.  The whole experience is very traumatic.

Jenandtonica

Thank you all so, so much for your honest, candid responses. I feel so much better about not having fond memories of most of their birthday.

And thanks for all the congratulations! We've survived 2 weeks in the NICU, and the babies are all doing wonderfully. We're so very proud of them!

dulcinea03

Congratulations on your LO's doing so well, and welcome to you!

Although I made it further along (35w2d) the last 2 weeks were terrifying, and I spent my c/s praying that the girls would live, not being thrilled that they were arriving. When baby B came out not breathing, their birthday quickly morphed into the scariest day of my life. Like so many others, the worry outweighed the joy in the early days.

They're now 10 months old, and I'm just now (this week) starting to work on their baby books. When they came home, all of their baby memorabilia went into a box, waiting for me to be ready to start their books.

Take your time, be kind to yourself, and focus on your babies. One day you may be able to look back and be ok with it. I'm just now able to see that it was the scariest day of my life, that gave me 2 little girls who have brought me more joy that I'd ever imagined.