Being Pressured To Get Married Before The Baby Arrives.. — The Bump
1st Trimester

Being Pressured To Get Married Before The Baby Arrives..

I love my boyfriend. Very much. And I've been wanting to marry him for a long time. But he wants us to get married before the baby is born late July. He wants to, his family and my parents. I'm not the type of girl who gets married because I'm pregnant. He's going to be there anyway. He just wants to so the child isn't illegitimate. I understand everyone's reason but if he's still going to be there, why not get married 6 months after the baby is born or something?

I want to give my father the right opportunity to walk me down the aisle. I want the wedding I've always wanted. Not to get married in a courthouse or throw a wedding together real quick so I get married before I show or to have my big pregnancy bump stealing the show.

I just don't know. What do ya'll think? Do you think it matters? Anyone else been in my shoes? 

«1

Re: Being Pressured To Get Married Before The Baby Arrives..

  • I have a child with my boyfriend and am 8 weeks pregnant now- get married before you have to say- 'boyfriend' the baby deserves it-- husband is so much better.
  • My husband's cousin is going through the same thing. We keep telling her that you can get the piece of paper that says your married, and have that proper wedding later. Just because you have a baby doesn't mean you can't have the celebration of marriage. It's something you and your BF need to sit down and talk about - so you BOTH understand where the other is coming from. Probably not what you wanted to hear, but that's my opinion.

  • Just my opinion, I don't think it actually matters either way. I would go do a quickie ceremony with just the BF (no family) at a courthouse, then plan a wedding for after the baby. I figure that would be a compromise between you and your SO.
  • If you want to get married after the baby is born then wait till after the baby is born.  Your BF and his family are just gonna have to wait.  And who really wants to get married pregnant (I don't, but I do want to marry my BF too), you can't even have a drink at your wedding that would suck IMO.  Good Luck girl.
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • I think if you get KU before getting married you need to rearrange your priorities.  Waiting to get married so you can have some fancy dream wedding is just silly.


    imageimage
    2 years, 2 surgeries, 2 clomid fails, 2 IUIs, 1 loss, IVF #1 - 10/25/10 = BFP!, DS is now 3.5yrs!
    TTC #2 - 6/12 surgery #3, FET #1 & 1.2 = BFN, 12/2012 FET #2 = BFP! DD is 1.5 yrs!
    Surprise! 12/16/14 BFP, loss #2 12/31/14

    I can't wait for the "im getting a divorce" post in 5 years or so because your husbands were fed up with your disgusting chair asses from playing on the knot all day and getting fired 4-5 times for not doing any work. you guys are all winners!! ~ Laur929

  • image oscarkat:
    Just my opinion, I don't think it actually matters either way. I would go do a quickie ceremony with just the BF (no family) at a courthouse, then plan a wedding for after the baby. I figure that would be a compromise between you and your SO.

    This.  It will feel good to have a ring to accompany your baby bump!  You can always have your dream wedding after the baby comes.

    Me: 32  H: 34
    DS #1: 8/10/11,  DS #2: 10/13/14
    TTC #3 since October 2017


  • I say wait. Who cares about the ring right now?  If that's what you wanted, you'll always regret it.  And if you decide to do the quickie wedding at the courthouse and the "real" wedding afterwards, just make sure that you follow through.  I don't feel that "not being married" is as big a stigma as it used to be...and as long as your LO has two happy parents, it can't ask for anything more.
  • My DH and I did what they are saying.  We went to the courthouse on Feb 19, 2009 just the 2 of us.  We had been living together for a few years.  Then planned our Family wedding for Feb 19, 2010.  The minister, reception, everything.  The best part was we were able to make payments during the year to the vendors and on the day of our celebration everything was paid in CASH!  I love that we have no debt from our wedding.

     Do what makes you feel comfortable.  I truly believe you do not have to get married just because you have a child.

    http://vphonegirl.blogspot.com/

    have face-to-face conversations from mile away!

    image

    image
  • image minniecallie:
    If you want to get married after the baby is born then wait till after the baby is born.  Your BF and his family are just gonna have to wait.  And who really wants to get married pregnant (I don't, but I do want to marry my BF too), you can't even have a drink at your wedding that would suck IMO.  Good Luck girl.

    Exactly this. My brother and his wife didn't get married until their 1st child was 6 months old. Nobody was mad or disappointed that they weren't married before it was born.

    image

    image

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I say wait. I can't imagine having the stress of wedding planning on top of being pregnant. Or do what someone else suggested - go to a court house now and have a party (not wedding) after the baby is born to celebrate.

    IMO, it doesn't matter, and the only people it should matter to are you and your child's father. Leave everyone else out if it and have a talk.

    image Pregnancy Ticker
  • Before reading all the replies I would have also said to wait. BUT, there were some great suggestions here. Marriage, after all, is all about compromise. Maybe the best compromise in this situation is to get legally married, then plan the wedding of your dreams. It may not be ideal, but it happens all the time! My best friend got married in a court house and had a wedding ceremony several months later (she needed insurance). If you know you want to be with him in the end, then this should be a great thing for everyone involved.


    BUT, in the end, it's the decision of you and your BF. Do what you feel comfortable.

    Photobucket Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Anniversary
  • I think you'll regret not having the traditions, the ceremony, the wedding and the romance of a proposal. I also think it might look like you're ashamed of yourselves if you run and get married just to say you are before the baby comes. I don't mean that to sound harsh and if that's what you end up doing, and are happy with it then great!  I just think people should get married when they are ready, not because they are expecting a baby. Making a marriage work is hard enough as it is sometimes, I would go into it with my mind 100% set. If you weren't pregnant, when do you think you honestly would have gotten engaged/married?

    (Just playing devil's advocate here)

    Good luck deciding! Either way, sounds like your baby will have parents who love and care for eachother, regardless of if they are married during or after the pregnancy.

    image
    Loss #1 2008, Loss #2 2010, Loss #3 2011, Loss #4 2012, Loss #5 2012
    Loss #6 2014 Loss #7 (chemical) 2014

    ~DS Born! 2009~
    ~DD Born! 2013~
    ~DD due! 2015~





  • Question, were you and BF trying to get PG?  Or was this unplanned?  If you were trying to get PG, get married.  If you weren't trying for a baby and if you aren't ready to get married don't make a mistake by commiting yourself to something you aren't wanting or ready for.  But, once again, if you planned this PG, and had serious plans on getting married anyway, then do the right thing go have court room wedding and a ceremony later.  More food for thought, if you plan on putting BF on the birth certificate and you aren't married by that time, there will probably be some hoops to jump though (may not seem like a huge deal to go though those couple extra steps, but think of him.  Basically having to go though a process where, in one way or another, it has to be proven that he is the father of the baby.  That could potentially be pretty embarassing for him).  Just seriously consider getting married before the baby comes if it was already in the plans anyway. 

    Nov. 19, 2010 BFP #1--m/c Dec. 24th, 2010 First cycle after m/c on Feb. 2, 2011--March 8th, 2011 BFP #2 EDD Nov. 19, 2011. Nadia Dorothy Grace born on 11-18-11 @ 3:04pm 6lbs 14oz Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • image oscarkat:
    Just my opinion, I don't think it actually matters either way. I would go do a quickie ceremony with just the BF (no family) at a courthouse, then plan a wedding for after the baby. I figure that would be a compromise between you and your SO.

    I agree, I think that is a nice compromise that honors both of your wishes. I do think your BF's feelings need to come into consideration as well, and if it means so much to him to be married, this will allow you to still have the day you wanted. Just a little later, and with a really cute flower girl/ring bearer Wink

    But, at the same time, there is nothing wrong with waiting until your baby is born if you both decide that is what you want. Marriage is great, I love mine, but it is not necessary for a healthy, happy home. And no one should make either of you feel differently.

  • image oscarkat:
    Just my opinion, I don't think it actually matters either way. I would go do a quickie ceremony with just the BF (no family) at a courthouse, then plan a wedding for after the baby. I figure that would be a compromise between you and your SO.

    This.  A friend from work was in the same situation with his girlfriend.  They did the quick courthouse thing so legally they were married, then had a really beautiful ceremony and reception a few months after lo arrived.  Your dad can still walk you down the aisle, big white dress and everything!

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    image [IMG]
  • This is a marriage.  Not buying a puppy, or moving to a new town, but a lifetime commitment to one person.  Honestly, it should never come with pressure.  Have you tried having a heart to heart with your boyfriend?  If he's going to stick around, like you say, then give yourselves both time.  Rushing it may make one or both of you regret it in the end.  Maybe not so much the marriage, but not doing it the way you want.

     Keep the money you'd spend on a wedding now, for in case something comes up with the baby.  Save up together for a dream wedding.  You two might learn a lot from one another, and strengthen as a couple by having to wait and work for something you both want.

    Best of luck either way! Smile

  • Just get married in secret and have your wedding later. Both of my brothers and several of my husbands military friends have done this!
    <3 DCRider
    Baby girl due 1/22/14!
    image

    image
    image
  • image GirlsOwnLove:

    This is a marriage.  Not buying a puppy, or moving to a new town, but a lifetime commitment to one person.  Honestly, it should never come with pressure.  Have you tried having a heart to heart with your boyfriend?  If he's going to stick around, like you say, then give yourselves both time.  Rushing it may make one or both of you regret it in the end.  Maybe not so much the marriage, but not doing it the way you want.

     Keep the money you'd spend on a wedding now, for in case something comes up with the baby.  Save up together for a dream wedding.  You two might learn a lot from one another, and strengthen as a couple by having to wait and work for something you both want.

    Best of luck either way! Smile

    This. Especially the bolded.

    Lilypie Second Birthday tickers BabyFruit Ticker
  • I guess I don't really see what the big deal is. Having a child with someone is a WAY bigger commitment and lifelong bond than marriage. They will always be in your life, one way or the other.

    I personally would rather have the wedding before the baby came just for convenience sake. You can stay out late, go on a honeymoon, etc without worrying about childcare.

  • Honestly, if you're going to marry him anyway, go to the courthouse and make it legal.  For the baby.  For legal reasons.  In case something (god forbid) happens to him while you're still pregnant.  It would entitle you and the child to more benefits, protection, etc. than you may get without it. 
  • I personally have not been in your shoes but my mother and father got married when she was about 7 months pregnant with me. There was definitely pressure there and my father ended up leaving a few months after I was born. 

    I'm not saying this will happen to you, I'm just saying that I think it would be better to wait and get married when you feel it's the right time, not because other people think you should or it's the right thing to do.  


    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    Anniversary
  • image CFO:
    Honestly, if you're going to marry him anyway, go to the courthouse and make it legal.  For the baby.  For legal reasons.  In case something (god forbid) happens to him while you're still pregnant.  It would entitle you and the child to more benefits, protection, etc. than you may get without it. 

    Agreed. All of this is much more important than a poofy white dress and tulle.

    I'm not a proponent of getting married because someone is KUed....but if you were going to get married anyways...might as well make it easier on yourself and do it now before the baby comes. Less paperwork and insurance hassle.

    Also, I don't know where you live, but I can speak for myself in this regard...when people in my town see a baby bump, their eyes immediately go to the ring finger. If there's no ring there, the judging is pretty bad. For that reason, when my fingers get too fat for my current bands, I'm totally going to rock a fake ring from Target.


    BFP #1 via IUI ~ L (Fatal Birth Defect) 4/7/10
    BFP #2 via IUI ~ m/c

    BFP #3 via cancelled IUI ~ C (2lb 3oz; HELLP) 5/16/11

    BFP #4 via the natural (free!) way ~ E (8lb 11oz) 9/13/12

    image







  • I will say, it helps to have a mediator if you feel the need for one. We're Catholic, and we talked to our priest, and he was very helpful - he asked us individually if we were being pressured by anyone, because he wanted us both to feel comfortable getting married. I'm not trying to push Catholocism on you if you're not - but even going to your local church and asking the priest to talk to you about it can't hurt. It won't cost you anything, and you may both walk out feeling good about what ever decision you make.

  • I agree with the suggestions that you could do the court wedding now, then a traditional, dream wedding with family (and your LO!) later. Sit down with your bf and come to an agreement between the two of you - without the pressure of family, other opinions (like our's, hah!), etc. Becoming legal first would give you more benefits. It sounds like the issue isn't whether or not you want to get married, but when.

    ...and to be honest, I'm in a similar boat.

  • image CFO:
    Honestly, if you're going to marry him anyway, go to the courthouse and make it legal.  For the baby.  For legal reasons.  In case something (god forbid) happens to him while you're still pregnant.  It would entitle you and the child to more benefits, protection, etc. than you may get without it. 

     

    This.  

    Life isn't about avoiding the storm but learning how to dance in the rain


    image

    image

  • image CFO:
    Honestly, if you're going to marry him anyway, go to the courthouse and make it legal.  For the baby.  For legal reasons.  In case something (god forbid) happens to him while you're still pregnant.  It would entitle you and the child to more benefits, protection, etc. than you may get without it. 

    This.  Plus, the legal ramification if (God forbid) something happens to you in childbirth.  But I would have to emphasize that I would only do this if I was going to get married anyway.  Other than the legal reasons, I don't see the point of rushing a marriage.  The child is going to be able to do math and figure out that he/she was conceived before you were married.  I don't get your BF's "illegitimate" argument.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    Married 12/8/07 | Sleeve Gastrectomy 10/19/09
    BFP#1 DD born 3/9/11 | BFP#4 DD born 9/20/13
    BFP#2 6/21/12, M/C at 5w2d | BFP#3 11/27/12, M/C at 6w6d
  • Don't do it now if you don't feel ready.

    However, since you mentioned that your boyfriend and both sets of parents are pushing for getting married now, you also need to recognize that the traditional wedding may not be an option for you later anyway. They may not agree to participate.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I think you are assuming that marriage = wedding.  You have already said that you want to marry him, so why not do it now in a simple ceremony or at the courthouse.  You can always have your wedding later.

    If you would have said you aren't sure about marrying him then I would have said to wait. But your hesitation is not the marriage, so I think you need to really think about your priorities here.  Yes many people have a dream about how they want their wedding, but at the end of the day I would have married Syn in a classroom if that is what I needed to do, because I knew I wanted him to be my husband. The wedding was secondary. Honestly had I have gotten pregnant first the hoopla that we did have would not have happened.  I would have much rather that money go towards our child.

    The statement about your "bump stealing the show" also shows that your priorities are a bit off. 


    ~Declare it..Claim it..It will be!!~

    5/9/09
    Lilypie - Personal picture 

    Here We Go Again!!

  • image kdodge423:

    image Emilicious88:
    I will say, it helps to have a mediator if you feel the need for one. We're Catholic, and we talked to our priest, and he was very helpful - he asked us individually if we were being pressured by anyone, because he wanted us both to feel comfortable getting married. I'm not trying to push Catholocism on you if you're not - but even going to your local church and asking the priest to talk to you about it can't hurt. It won't cost you anything, and you may both walk out feeling good about what ever decision you make.

    I can't imagine for 1 second a priest saying anything other than get married now- of any denomination.

     

    I would think it depends on the priest.  I am sure if it is a priest that is down to earth he may say something like "in the eyes of the church or God the best thing is to be married, blah blah blah, but I would never pressure a couple to get married if it wasn't something they wanted or if there were signs that the couple honestly shouldn't be married at that time."  


    ~Declare it..Claim it..It will be!!~

    5/9/09
    Lilypie - Personal picture 

    Here We Go Again!!

  • image DCrider:
    Just get married in secret and have your wedding later.

    Hmm

    I think this is a horrible idea. Getting married in a courthouse and having a reception later on is one thing. Getting married in secret and deceiving all of your friends and family into thinking you're not married so that you can have a big fancy wedding is quite another.

    If you do something along these lines, please be honest with your families.

    image Pregnancy Ticker
  • image DCrider:
    Just get married in secret and have your wedding later. Both of my brothers and several of my husbands military friends have done this!

    Yes, because lying to everyone you know is always an awesome idea! Confused


    imageimage
    2 years, 2 surgeries, 2 clomid fails, 2 IUIs, 1 loss, IVF #1 - 10/25/10 = BFP!, DS is now 3.5yrs!
    TTC #2 - 6/12 surgery #3, FET #1 & 1.2 = BFN, 12/2012 FET #2 = BFP! DD is 1.5 yrs!
    Surprise! 12/16/14 BFP, loss #2 12/31/14

    I can't wait for the "im getting a divorce" post in 5 years or so because your husbands were fed up with your disgusting chair asses from playing on the knot all day and getting fired 4-5 times for not doing any work. you guys are all winners!! ~ Laur929

  • If you want to get married either way, I say elope and get married on a fun mini vacation. A lot of couples take their one last fun vacation before the baby is born anyway. Do something beautiful and easy on a beach. Then have your big wedding later when your little one is a bit older. That way it's not in a courthouse, it's special, but it's also easy and quick.
  • My boy friend and I have been together for 10 years and have an 8 year son together and I am 11 weeks pregnant with our second.  We planned our first son together (as well as this one) and to this day we still aren't married.  We are actually thinking about doing it next year...finally.  We have jobs, a house, and are financially stable. But we are ready now and weren't ready then. There was no pressure from my family or anyone else. I have never really gave a sh$t about what others thought or how bad it sounded to call him my boyfriend.  Those people weren't taking care of me or my son or paying my bills. If they didn't like it..tough. But it has to be mutual. Don't get pressured into something that you don't think you are ready for.  It's your life..noone else's.

  • I think that the two decisions  should be unrelated, you should get married because you want to , but getting married while pregnant doesnt mean you only got married b/c of the baby. I understand your boyfriends point on this, but marriage is something you have to agree on, dont start it off by either one of you resenting each other because of something... I think you need to really understand  Why he wants to do it so fast, and if it is for him, consider it, but if it is because of what people think, screw other people.  Your life is about you... not them. Personally I think as long as you are willing to do things to make him feel permanent in the baby's life like giving the baby his last name, you should be able to wait on the wedding, you dont need the stress now anyway. Good luck!
    BabyFruit Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Take it from someone who's seen it several times. I've seen couple after couple after couple break up their marriage after marrying because the woman was pregnant. (This tends to happen a lot in young Christian couples.) Because of that, I really don't think that marrying because of pregnancy is a smart idea at all. I think you should wait. Especially if you're feeling doubts about marrying so early. I think you should wait until you're ready. Besides, there are benefits to waiting...

    1. Your baby can be your ring bearer or flower girl (towed in a flowery Radio Flyer lol).

    2. You can have time to lose the baby weight so you can wear the gown of your dreams.

    3. Things won't be rushed and you'll have time to prepare for the wedding AFTER preparing for bab.

    Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers
    Married since 06/19/2004|Anna born 11/19/2006|Charles born 11/1/11
    Double undergrad graduation May 2011| Me: Psychology, DH: Communication| A long journey!
    <a href="http://s21.photobucket.com/albums/b268/gussiebutt/?action=view
  • image L&R70707:
    I think if you get KU before getting married you need to rearrange your priorities.  Waiting to get married so you can have some fancy dream wedding is just silly.

     

    Call me old fashioned, but I agree with this.  I also agree with all of the legal issues that people have brought up.  

    If you have wanted to marry him for a long time and the only thing holding you back now is having a baby bump and a less extravagant wedding, then I think you should go ahead and get married.  Especially if it is that important to your SO.  After the baby comes, there will be so many added expenses that I would guess that you won't want to spend a lot of money on a big wedding anyway.

  • When I was pregnant the first time around DH and I were not married, engaged, but not married. His mom insisted we get married that June (I was due in September) because her parents would be in town. I refused, and DH respected my wishes. We lived together for 2 years before we got married. His mom eventually got over it and now we've been married for over a year.

    I didn't think it mattered when we got married, and if you're together and his name is on the birth certificate and he's there for the whole thing who cares if it's technically "illegitimate." This is 2010.

    Lilypie Kids Birthday tickersLilypie - (JBoF)
    image
  • Assuming that you have both talked about marriage and want to be married/are committed to a marriage, my $.05 is that if you want your big day to be about you and your husband, get married before you have the baby -- either at the courthouse or plan your big shindig fast. Once you pop out that kid, your life will not be all about you. Having a newborn is stressful. The first 8 weeks are torture. You won't sleep. Your hormones will be all over the place; my post-partum hormone shifts were way worse than my pregnancy ones. Adding wedding planning on top of all that is suicidal. I didn't feel close to normal until my baby was 6 months old -- same with all my mom friends. Also, it takes a while to lose the weight (took me about a year) so if you want to be the skinny chick in the white dress, I'd give yourself a year post-baby to host the event.
  • I don't see how signing some papers and putting a ring on your finger is going to make a difference about how your baby turns out. I don't get the whole illegitimate issue. 'Must be born before marriage' yet there was still premarital sex...the baby's already on it's way, getting married because of a baby is silly.  My husband's cousin got married at 8 months pregnant because her parents said so, I thought that was lame. She was big as a house and walking down the aisle...I just don't see the reason.  Get married when both of you feel ready to...not because of a guilt trip.
  • Honestly, the last thing you'll probably be thinking about when LO is 6 months old is planning your dream wedding. I would have the wedding before LO comes. Life is about to get crazy, hectic for you. That's just my opinion though.
«1
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards