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Adoption
Is there such thing as an adoption without issues?
I see a lot of posts about major health concerns (drug/alcohol use seems to be at the top) and other issues. I am curious how many out there (if any) have completed the adoption process without any legal issues or health concerns with the baby or mother. I am started to get jaded and want to hear something positive.
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Re: Is there such thing as an adoption without issues?
Yes, there are. Don't lose hope. Our first adoption was somewhat close to that. Although DD had to go into transition care for a month while the courts terminated the birth father's rights (he wasn't opposed, just didn't bother to sign the papers and our agency won't place the baby in the home if it is a legal risk), everything else went pretty smoothly. The BM had prenatal care and took good care of DD while pregnant.
We were presented a couple of situations before we were matched with DD. Although saying no was one of the hardest things we have ever done, we knew it wasn't right for family. Of course it is easy to say now that everything is said and done, but being patient and waiting until we felt 100% comfortable has brought us our greatest blessing.
Some friends just adopted - they were matched about a month before the birth, developed a good relationship with BM, we at the hospital for the birth and brought home a healthy baby girl two days later.
Hang in there! It will happen!
We had this situation. No drugs, alcohol, or smoking. Birth mom had good prenatal care and is a health nut. While obviously we're happy that we had this outcome, we did realize that this is life, and the risk you take with adoption is losing control of some things.
Look no further than this board for examples of babies who had more complicated starts and are now thriving. I really believe environment is critical. :-)
Payton's birthmom smoked, drank tons of Mountain Dew and didn't take prenatals, but she was relatively healthy otherwise and went willing to all of her prenatal appointments.
We had no legal issues. We did have one small blip of drama with her toward the very end, but it turned out to be nothing.
I don't remember the exact statistic, but most birthmothers will at least smoke. Those who do not are by far the minority. But there are plenty of adoptions without drug use or legal issues.
There are always going to be issues of some sort, but as fred mentioned, that's typical for any big thing. I can tell you about the minor glitches on my wedding day, the flaws my spouse has (but I married him anyway, because he has many fine qualities), the awful day we closed on this house, that car accident we had on the way to vacation last year, etc. It's how you handle them that's important.
DD's BM didn't know she was pregnant until the morning she gave birth. So she drank socially and had zero prenatal care. DD's BF wanted the whole "situation" to go away, and refused to sign anything or show up in court. Our agency's lawyer had a fantastic receptionist who was in a car wreck with head injuries about the time our paperwork started heading to his office, and the place was chaotic for weeks.
But:
The first dr who saw her after she came home looked at DH and said, "Women had babies for hundreds, if not thousands, of years without prenatal care, and most kids turned out fine." DD is perfect. She had a minor health issue when she was about 4 weeks old that has since resolved.
We were able to still complete TPR for DD's BF and finalize the adoption, despite the fact that he never cooperated. He's probably relieved it all happened without him getting involved.
The lawyer eventually got his act together and we finalized mid-October, 7 months after DD came home.
Drug/alcohol use and health concerns aren't necessarily a deal breaker. The range of issues is so wide.
Many of the drug issues you will see are most likely going to be topics of foster care and foster-to-adopt, or drugs may come up in the discussion and BMs may have used drugs before finding out she was PG and then decided to explore adoption.
With any time of adoption, there will most likely always be some *type* of drama -- is BM going to change her mind? is BF going to contest? etc.
You just have to be willing to take the leap, strap yourself in and ride the roller coaster
Agreeing w/PPs.
My one piece of advice is to do research and be frank in discussions about where you want to draw lines in the so-called sand. That line may shift but knowing what's right for your family will help you know which situations are meant for you.
So true! It is a wild, wild ride, but so worth it.
Ditto.
There are always risks with adoption. And rarely does a big life event go perfectly.
Our birth mom didn't drink or smoke, but had no prenatal care. However, she had given birth to 7 other children who had no prenatal care and are perfectly healthy, so we were comfortable with the situation. She was also married and the father was on board with the adoption, so we didn't have that worry. Plus, they had placed once before, and it's very unlikely for a parent placing for the second time to change their mind.
Still, there were blips. She had some false alarms with labor. LO was born with a health issue that had us worried for a few days, but turned out to be nothing. We had a lot of communication issues with the agency. ICPC took forever and we were in a hotel in another state for 19 days - WAY longer than we had planned and budgeted for. Then the agency informed us of an additional and significant birth mother expense after the baby was already born.
Still, it was all worth it, and we have never had a single regret. Adoption is a pretty wild and crazy ride, but it's such an amazing experience.
DD was our very first "match." It went fine, the only issue was that our agency pretty much shut its doors before the adoption happened but they worked with us to use a great attorney and it was very very smooth with that. I mean I think almost everyone has some kind of a "scare" but so do most pregnant ladies.....what I mean is....having/adopting children isn't always easy but totally worth it! Hang in there!
ETA: K's birth parents were married and had two children at "home" (I say "home" bc they were basically homeless)...they both signed the paper work at 24hrs after birth and that was that...she was finalized 3 months after that...=)
"I have four children. Two are adopted. I forget which two. -Bob Constantine
"All for Love,' a Saviour prayed 'Abba Father have Your way. Though they know not what they do...Let the Cross draw men to You...."
Our adoption is pretty perfect. DD's birthmom smoked weed a couple of times when she was pregnant, but other than that she didn't do anything harmful. We had no legal issues, we have a fabulous relationship with most of DD's birthfamily.
I worry that since we've been so lucky this time, we won't have such an easy time next time!
Our daughter is now three years old. We had no issue's with her birthmom....she wanted no living expenses, no medical $$ help. No smoking, drinking or drugs. Never had any problems in three years. Her birthmom was in her last year of college to be a teacher....she had goals and is smart. She actually was an accountant and wanted a career change and had always wanted to be a teacher. She was a good person that got in a bad bad situation that was no fault of her own.
We spent three days with Khloe's birthmom and I have to say we loved her....she could easily have been a good friend is how we felt.
No to little issue's does happen. Know what you will/won't deal with and stick to your guns. Be very upfront and honest. Communicate.