Engaged - get married before baby?
EJChapman123
member
This might be not the most appropriate forum for this but I am just so lost and confused as to what to do...
I got engaged in July, and was pregnant by the end of August (guess everything was working pretty well lol). We were originally planning to get married in March of 2011 (a fairly large affair that we would be paying for), but I have no interest in having a wedding like that while 7 months pregnant. Sooo, we have tentatively decided to do the wedding in March of 2012, same thing, probably smaller though as it seems so silly to spend all that money when you have a child (and marriage just seems like small potatoes after deciding to procreate with someone).
This is all well and good, we are on the same page with this but there is one big glaring thing: TAX BENEFITS. I stay at home, and the husband (okay fiance, but I hate that fancy sounding word) has a good job with a solid salary. Without getting into tax specifics (boring), it would save us about 5,800 bucks next year to get married "on paper". Do we do it and just not tell anyone but our parents (don't want to take away from our special day we are planning for 2012)? Do we skip it and pay the government the extra money (which pains me)? There is also the convenience of being married so I can change my name and all that good stuff before the baby comes along.
Anyone else have a similar situation? I know there is no losing answer, I have a man I love dearly and child on the way, but I just do not know what the right thing to do here is....
Thanks 
Re: Engaged - get married before baby?
hi. My best friend was in a similar sitch.
she was due in May 2009. They went to a nice over look and got married (secretly) when she was 7 mths. they did it on Valentines day! they had a very personal and quiet ceremony with just the two of them. she needed to be on his health insurance to cover the baby hospital cost. not to mention the taxes.
They did everything secret and then still planned her wedding for October 2009. which was a large event on the cheasapeake bay. she tried to keep it inexpensive, but that really hard with weddings! if you are DIY and not very picky youll be able to keep it inexpensive.
baby was at the wedding. she hired a babysitter and only brouyght baby out for the last dance. they danced with the 3 of them. they kept it very classy.
IMO, dont wait untill 2012! that is super far away! youll want to get it over with. that a long time to keep a secret. youll have less time to fin into a dress but some times that better. BUY a big dress and alter down...... dont buyt small ad try to get tiny.....never works!
good luck!
DS Desmond Alexander 6.9.11
DD Vivienne Elena 12.16.13
? EDD 3/29/2018
If I were in your situation I would probably go ahead and get married on paper and not tell anyone. Really don't tell anyone. I guess your parents, but for some reason people can get weird about coming to a wedding later on where the bride and groom are already married. It's best if they just don't know.
I don't think it really matters if your name is the same when you have the baby, though.
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I would get married. Mostly because you are staying home. In case something happens (healthwise, breakups, death, etc.), marriage can protect you in a way that nothing else can. I would also recommend not keeping it a secret if you go to a JOP. I cannot tell you how many people have done this and then had family members so offended that they were lied to that it fractured relationships.
Let me also say I would never say that unless you had been already planning to get married before you got pregnant...my parents are a great example of why NOT to get married because you are having a baby.
DS Desmond Alexander 6.9.11
DD Vivienne Elena 12.16.13
? EDD 3/29/2018
Justice of the Peace.
I saw get married ONLY because you were originally planning on it before you got pregnant.
Not tell family is shady in my lopinon but my BFF did it and it worked out for the best for her in the end (she still got her big wedding, had the marriage benefits before, etc.)
DS 6.12.11
Hypermenorrhea, Anovulatory & Hypothyroid
TTC#2
My Lack of Ovulation Chart
Justice of the Peace.
I understand people being upset if you tell them after the fact that you were married before, but I would just never tell them. Keep it to yourself. This is between you, your husband and the IRS. LOL.
Wedding/Honeymoon Pictures
Keep in mind that unless you get legally married before the close of 2010, you won't be able to file your taxes jointly as a married couple until next tax season (i.e. 2011 taxes that are filed in 2012) since taxes are filed for the previous full year. Although, if you got married in 2011 and had a baby in 2011, you'd be able to file jointly and claim a dependent, rather than only claiming a dependent, so you would definitely get a larger tax refund for next year by getting married next year.
As for the "frilly" end of things, you have to do what's right for your family. Would you be comfortable getting legally married, but having a ceremony/reception type affair a year later than planned/after baby is born? To put it a bit differently, if someone you knew were in this situation and they decided to get legally married but have a wedding at a later date, what would think of them?
It definitely works for some people to go ahead and hitched. DH's cousin and sister did this for financial reasons. Cousin wanted to be able to say she was married on her FAFSA to get extra financial aid for school, so she legally got married in February 2009 and had her wedding in July 2009. SIL married her marine husband in July of 2010 (so they could get a large stipend/insurance for her through the government), but their wedding isn't until July 2011. I think that they were greedy, trying to get the benefits of a large wedding (attention, big white dress, presents) while milking the system for cash. If you decide to go this route, you have to decide whether or not you can handle some of your friends/family thinking this about you and your future DH.
As for the name change, as long as you name the baby your future DH's last name, it won't be long before yours will match theirs. Certainly, when it becomes most convenient for this to matter to baby, you'll already be married. GL with your decision, and congrats on finding a wonderful man and your future LO!
That is an awfully big lie to keep to oneself, don't you think? Even if it is for a good reason, it is still a lie.
I have to go with the government on this one, what people don't know won't hurt them.
I understand what you are saying too, Patty. It depends on the OP and what she is comfortable with. I had a small wedding anyway, and no one was invited, including my ILs, so I am not about pleasing people. I'm about doing what is right for me at the time. I also didn't care about a big wedding. I have heard people complain about going to weddings where the people are already married. I have heard people complain when they didn't know but find out later.
I guess it comes down to the fact that you can't please everyone. There will always be complaints, do what is right for you.
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Court records for marriages(among other things) are a matter of public access, and often readily available online via a simple search. Even if they don't find out ahead of time, imagine someone going to double-check something about it online later, and finding that the listed date is actually a year earlier. People can and do find these things out, whether you "keep it a secret" or not.
Wow if someone is nosey enough to look up records let them be hurt. This is not information you just accidentally stumble upon.
Wedding/Honeymoon Pictures
Devils advocate here, but a lot of people are getting more and more into making family trees. That is a hell of a secret to stumble upon 10 years from now when someone is making one and looking up public records. I just think it is a much better idea to put it all on front street. Nobody needs a big white wedding. Have a great party in a year. BTW if they marry at a church the minister will have to know beforehand that they are already married.
Ok you win.
Wedding/Honeymoon Pictures
Agreed.
OP, we were in almost the exact situation with our first pregnancy. We got engaged in October 2007 and were planning a September 2008 wedding. Well two months after we got engaged, we got pregnant--and we were due in September. Oops.
We toyed with a few ideas like postponing the wedding until after the baby was born. We ended up having a very small but nice wedding in April, when I was 19 weeks. It was just before I started really showing but everyone knew I was pregnant. We weren't trying to hide it.
I am really happy we were married when our daughter was born. Not only for the practical reasons like taxes and my husband's right to make decisions at the hospital if anything happened to me or the baby. But also for emotional reasons. I liked welcoming my baby with my husband. For some people marriage is just a piece of paper, but to us it had more meaning than that, and I'm glad our baby was born to parents who had made that commitment to each other.
If I were you I'd get married, since you already want to anyway. You can always have a nice fancy wedding or vow renewal after the baby is born, even if you are already legally married. GL with your decision.
Being in the military world, I've known several people that have gotten married through a JOP and had a small dinner with close family and friends (like a rehersal dinner basically) and then had a large vow renewal 5 years later that everyone was invited to. This way they didn't lie to anyone about being married, but were able to have a large party to celebrate their marriage.
A lot depends on how people in your family would react if they were to find out the information. If its going to tick off a lot of people it may not be worth it to lie about it. GL on making a decicion and congrats on finding a loving man and having a LO.
If I was in your situation, I would get married at the courthouse and then still plan the wedding I wanted.
I agree with Patty - particularly on the reasons for getting married. Tax benefits are nice - but unless the Bush tax cuts are extended the "marriage penalty" come back jan 1st 2011 (the deduction is cut in half - you make out better not married - same for dependents -and since you are SAHM with no income you'll do better than if you were married if those deductions are not available) and with this debt commission - the tax code could change and the tax benefits won't be there.
You have a lot of security in case something happens when you're married - automatically next of kin, medical decisions, in most states assets such as life insurrance through work, 401Ks, and homes (regardless of whose name it is in) will go to the spouse - it's hard to contest. Those things are more important than tax benefits when you're thinking about how a death, severe disability, or severe medical issue might impact the child.
Something small now and your big celebration later. It makes sense for your situation! I would try to get married on a date that already means something to you that way you don't have two dates to celebrate...?!
She is in Florida. I don't know the laws in Ontario but I do know them in FL. If something happens to her while she is in labor her boyfriend cannot make a single medical decision for her, he is not a relative. If she needs an emergency c-section he cannot consent. If she needs to come off of life support he has zero say in the matter (Terri Schiavo anyone? And that was her husband, it was hard enough to get wishes across.). In your stricter counties he might not be able to even stay overnight with her in the hospital since he is technically a "visitor" (I will say though where she lives she probably won't run into this). There are just protections in place for both of them with marriage.
I was in a somewhat similar situation regarding getting "secretly married" then having the actual wedding. My husband (then fiance's) company transferred him across the country several months before our scheduled wedding in Maui. This meant that I had to quit my job at the firm I was at and move with him across the country before we were married. For various reasons (health insurance, company reimbursements for the cross-country move, etc.), we decided to get "secretly married" at the Courthouse before our move. We still had our wedding scheduled in Maui several months later. To make matters more complicated, I had athletic amenorrhoea and wasn't having my periods for almost a year. In anticipation for starting our family, I stopped by vigorous workouts in order to get my periods started back right after we got "secretly married." Little did I know then that I had gotten pregnant immediately after I stopped the workouts (I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was eight weeks). So I found out I was eight weeks pregnant right before our "scheduled" wedding in Maui! I was shocked and couldn't believe I had gotten pregnant immediately, when I had heard it would take a very long time to get pregnant after having amenorrhoea for so long. After the shock wore off, DH and I were very happy and thankful and I was particularly happy that at 9 1/2 weeks pregnant, I wasn't showing in my wedding photographs (see sig). So long story short (or not so short), our "secret marriage" turned into quite a mess and although we were legally married before I got pregnant, it appears otherwise to most people other than close family.
One word of advice I can give you is that you should definitely have the wedding of your dreams (and by wedding of your dreams, I don't mean it should cost a fortune), no matter the circumstances and even if it means pushing it back until after the pregnancy. Even though our situation turned into a mess, I am so grateful that we decided to go ahead with our beautiful wedding. It was the perfect day, and everything I had always imagined. Those memories will last forever.
For medical and legal reasons, I say tie the knott before.
For some sad reason, the government does not look at a father the same if the parents are not married or unless he goes to court, the Recognition of Parentage only garentees a man the right & responsability to pay child support (at least in MN).
I know of a few people how have gotten married early, just so the other person could have medical insurance.
Also, after the baby is here- who says you are going to want the big wedding anyways.
However.. in saying all this, I also say do not rush something quite yet if you are not ready to do so.
This happens a lot with military weddings, and I've never thought it was a good idea.
First, you only get one wedding. Even if you do a tiny JOP, that's your wedding. Anything you do after is a vow renewal.
Second, even if you do want to go ahead with the vow renewal, do NOT lie about it. Don't lie to your family. If anyone finds out that they traveled or bought a gift or spent a lot of money to attend what turned out to be a re-enactment, they will be very hurt and upset or even angry.
You don't need a "big" wedding to be married, but you don't have to have a tiny JOP thing, either. It's possible to throw together a small, low cost event on short notice if you want to do it before you get married.
Don't get secretly married for benefits and then throw a "real" wedding later. It's not a "real" wedding, because you're already married, and lying is always a bad idea.
If you want to do something small now, have a bigger party down the line, or a vow renewal, but make it clear that that's what you're doing.
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There are lots of answers here and as far as I read most said go ahead get married. I made a wedding dress for someone who did something like that. She wasn't pregnant at the time, so it wasn't so much for the tax stuff.
Her and her fiance did the legal ceremony just them selves and their witnesses and had a wonderful time just the 2 of them celebrating their marriage. Then they planned a huge wedding for the spring/summer following where they did the religious ceremony with the dress, cake and everything.
Another thing you may have to consider is if it's going to affect things like getting a passport. I'm not sure about the US, but in Canada if the parents aren't married when a babe is born there are a few more hoops to jump through for passports and other permits. My half brother was born a few weeks before my Mum and step dad got married (my dad passed when I was quite young) and my brother has has to get special copies of his birth certificate every time he does something that requires it. It's caused him a lot of headaches that he wouldn't have had to deal with if my parents had been married even a day before his birth.
Do whatever you feel it's best.
Some people will always judge. Some may even say rude comments. Ignore them.
Focus on you and your family.
Congrats.
I agree.
I was in a similar situation with DS. DH and I were planning to get married after his divorce was FINALLY finalized. It was taking forever because they were both finanically strapped and she lived in California and we lived in Georgia so we had to deal with two separete states. During all of this we found out we were pregnant. He is military and gets paid more for being married so in order not to mess up his pay, which we could not afford to have happen, he finalized the divorce on one day and we were married by the justice of the peace the next. I plan one day to have a wedding ceremony nothing huge probably for our 10 year anniversary. But looking back I don't regret the way it all happened. We are happy and now expecting our second child. It also worked well because he deployed just over a month later and it would have been a nightmare to handle all of the insurance and such if I wasn't married.
I think that you should just get married now and not tell anyone. No one needs to know but you and your DH. It will benefit you better in the long run to already be married for tax purposes and name purposes. However it is all up to you and what ever makes you comfortable.
Holy moly what a response! Thank you everyone for your stories and insights.
To comment on a couple things - a fall wedding next year is fairly unpractical for me. Im originally from upstate NY and my family lives down here (in Florida) in the springtime (they are snowbirds) and so are their close friends down here, people who really like to be there, so unfortunately that is out. Also, its at the beach, so weather is a factor (making March ideal).
I really appreciate also some of the practical points in tying the knot before we have the baby not just related to taxes. I never even thought about medical decisions... (although fortunately our families love both of us and each other, so no one would be arguing but you never know...).
I realize I don't need to have a big wedding, but we have many close friends who had been looking forward to a big, fun affair for our nuptials and honestly, I was looking forward to it too and can't quite let it go. Im a horrible liar however, so its tough. As of now, I think we will tell immediately family and answer honestly to anyone who asks, but we aren't going to wear wedding rings or make an announcement. In our minds, its a legality, the religious (more him) and spiritual (more me) commitment will be made a year later.
And thanks to everyone for knowing that the baby is not at all why I want to marry this man, because it truely isn't.
I just wanted to point out that for military families, there is more at stake than the cash when getting married. My BFF's sister did the same thing your SIL has done, except her husband left for Afghanistan 3 weeks later. Because they were married, she would have been the military's contact in case of something happening to her H. Yeah, the financial benefit is great, but in general it's not greed.