I hate the peanut gallery.

Daisy77

DD#1 has Aspergers.  After a couple years of questions (preteen issues or something more?) and months of appts., meetings, evaluations, etc. we were finally told that she showed signs of Aspergers.  I was relieved.  Even though it was the end of a school year, we were able to start right away on helping her. 

We didn't tell our families right away, with the exception of our parents.  Why?  With a couple special education teachers in our families (and some know-it-alls), we didn't need comments from the peanut gallery.   I already have an ex-husband (DD's dad) who balked at something being "wrong" with his daughter. ETA: While I appreciate well meaning advice from people who may actually know something, at that time we had so much going on with DD that we didn't need to be bombarded with everyone else's opinions (common in our families).

Things have been going well..she has some great teachers and we like what they are doing to help her.  People "get" her more, her grades have gone up, and she is less frustrated.  As time has gone on, I have stressed to her to not make having Aspergers an excuse (such as getting mad at a friend and blaming it on having Aspergers). Yesterday she made a comment on FB about having Aspergers and dealing with change.  I regularly check her FB account and today there was a message from BIL's wife.  She is questioning DD's diagnosis.  To my 14 year daughter.  Wtf?  Apparently she doesn't believe DD's diagnosis.  Because she has worked with those in the autism spectrum and DD doesn't quite fit the bill.  Why?  Because she spends 4-5 DAYS with her a year?

One of DD's favorite teachers brought up the idea of her having a learning "disability".  *I* sat in on the meetings.  *I* filled out the forms.  *I* had to broach the topic with DD so that she didn't feel like a guinea pig.  *I* LIVE with her.  *I* have seen what she has struggled with in school over the years.  *I* have gone to the conferences to hear about DD's obvious intelligence but lack of focus and control of her emotions.  *I* have been the one wondering why this wasn't seen earlier. *I'm* the parent. 

And why say something to DD?  She's 14!  She has friend drama, school work, her dad building a new home (long story), and a plethora of other teen stuff to deal with.  SIL goes on to say that many people are misdiagnosed, the school can't diagnose her, etc.  We talked with the school, the specialists and her doctor.  The diagnosis came as a group decision.  

I'm just mad.  I want to message her back and tell her exactly what we have gone through to finally get DD on a track that works for HER.  Not what we think she should be on.  The best part?  BIL and SIL don't have any kids.  One of my best friends has an adult daughter with ADHD, she could talk to me about DD and I would have no issue.  Because she's been there.  But don't work with kids a few hours a day and un-diagnose my kid when you only see her a few times a year.  If you have a concern or question, talk to ME.

Ugh.  I just needed to vent.  I hate the peanut gallery.  

 

Sammysu

That sounds soo frustrating. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Are you going to delete the post or message her back?

Daisy77

Sammysu:

That sounds soo frustrating. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Are you going to delete the post or message her back?

I was just about to ask that!  I'm wondering if I should delete the message (it was unread so DD hasn't seen it yet) and politely inform SIL to message me if she has any concerns?

Dr.Loretta

That sounds so very frustrating.

Is there any way you can help your DD use this as a teaching moment to your SIL? Have her reply to your SIL and explain that she thinks the diagnosis is spot-on, because she's doing so much better in school and life and is so happy that this happened so she didn't have to struggle as much?

Just a thought. It might be an interesting way to throw it back and your SIL and help your DD deal with the comments as they become more and more directed her way.

MrsBalletStar05

Grrr, I would write back myself - but I would keep it very short and to the point.  I would say something like.... "Thanks for your concern, but we've spoken with not only the school, but with doctors as well and (whoever else) and determined that this is the case.  These are professionals that she has worked with for (years, every day for several months, ect - whatever applies)" 

And even though I TOTALLY understand about being annoyed because she has no kids and only sees your DD a few days a year, I wouldn't say anything about that.....and hope that the timeline for her getting help from school/doctors, ect would give her the hint that you know she has no idea.  And yes, add something about how much better she is doing now.

Sammysu

I think that is a good idea to delete it and politely tell her to message you with any concerns so that DD doesn't have to deal with that B.S. and be put in a situation.

Sweets2005

Wow that is WAY out of line and you should tell her so!!