Your thoughts ::warning - LONG:: — The Bump
North Carolina Babies

Your thoughts ::warning - LONG::

So, DH workd 3rd shift.  He has stated for a while that when N is born he will switch to 2nd shift and pull C from daycare and keep both kids at home.  He says he will do this because we can't afford daycare for 2 kids right now.

I am totally against this plan. True, we can't afford daycare for 2 kids right now but I am not for pulling C at all.  I proposed that maybe if he wants to switch to 2nd shift he can keep N home and still send C to school, at least for half the day.  My reasoning for this is:

1) DH will work from 7pm til 2-2:30 am.  He will get home between 2:30-3 and sleep until 8:30ish right before I leave for work.  So, he'll only be getting 5-6 hours sleep if he's lucky.  I find that a stretch to handle 2 kids of whom will be on different schedules and require 2 different levels of care.  DH isn't exactly known for his patience and he doesn't need to be super stressed on top of little sleep.  I think he would take great care of our kids if he was getting sufficient sleep. 

2) I don't want to completely change C's life by introducing a new baby and taking him out of daycare all at once.  He LOVES daycare and askes us every Sat and Sun morning if he's going that day.  He loves his friends and I love that he's getting structure and learning all that he is before he goes to school.  I have a really difficult time being ok with making 2 huge changes in his life all at once.

3) DH switching his schedule would have him leaving the house to go to work by 6:20 each night.  I don't get off until 5:30.  So I would pretty much be walking in the house as he's walking out, leaving me with 2 kids to tend to all evening, all night long, and every morning before I go to work.  So I would pretty much be going 24/7.  DH doesn't get that I will be up multiple times a night with newborn between nursing/diaper changes/etc.  And I won't be able to count on him to help out when he gets off if he's going to get any sleep to be up by the time I leave.  So, I will not be getting very good sleep and still have to go about my business every day at work. 

 

DH says switching his shift and keeping both kids home is the only way for it to work.  I think we should keep C in daycare and let DH stay home with N and pick C up early each day after nap time.  That way he could nap when N naps and only have one crazy little person schedule to deal with at a time.  This would still give C his structure and playtime with his friends and assure that he gets a nap every day (a big deal to me that I'm pretty sure DH would not inforce).  DH says that in order to do this he would have to go in all of his off nights just to make ends meet (he would be making less with a shift change).  I find it a bit ridiculous that we can't find something to cut out to make it work. 

Am I being unreasonable to be so bent out of shape about this.  It is REALLY stressing me out and he's not seeming to hear what I'm saying, or he's just choosing not to.

 

image Connor Reeves - July 4, 2007 Naomi Raye - January 26, 2011

Re: Your thoughts ::warning - LONG::

  • I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I really like the plan you came up with. I think that switching C's schedule may make him resentful of N, and you definitely don't want that. Plus, I do think your husband is underestimating what it will take to care for them. I have a feeling that he'll be begging for C to go back to daycare after a few weeks of caring for both of them! It's hard work.

    I'm just curious: What time is he currently working on 3rd shift?

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  • Your plan definitely sounds better to me. However, if you can't afford it then you should choose a different option. I'd make a budget with his new income and figure out whose option will work out or try to find a middle ground.

    Good luck & try not to stress - it will work out one way or another. 

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  • He goes in at 10pm now and gets off when he's done.  Some days it's 4am and others it not until 10am.  It just depends on the day.  Either way I would be all alone at night but at least on his current schedule I have some evening help.  If he would keep C in daycare then at least I know he would get a nap and be somewhat tolerable in the evenings.
    image Connor Reeves - July 4, 2007 Naomi Raye - January 26, 2011
  • imageVivianLee:
    He goes in at 10pm now and gets off when he's done.  Some days it's 4am and others it not until 10am.  It just depends on the day.  Either way I would be all alone at night but at least on his current schedule I have some evening help.  If he would keep C in daycare then at least I know he would get a nap and be somewhat tolerable in the evenings.

    I was hoping that hearing his schedule would give me some awesome inspiration for a solution, but so far it hasn't. I do like BackThePack's suggestion of coming up with a new budget for his schedule change just to see how things would work.

    Good luck. I know it's super frustrating when you and DH don't agree on something and no one wants to budge. I hope you come up with a workable solution soon!

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  • I don't think you're wrong in your opinion at all. I agree with your idea. What if you suggest a trial period first? You know, see how things go with C in daycare and your DH taking care of N. Then if things don't work out, you can discuss options again.




  • I am sorry you are dealing with this, I know it must be stressful! Speaking from experience, it is a big adjustment going from paying for childcare for one child to childcare for two. I only have part time childcare and it is almost as much as our mortgage. I too have considered finding a night job, etc so I can be home during the day with both kids and not have to pay for child care.

    That being said, I think it will be very stressful on you to get home from work and have to handle everything with both of them all by yourself. I know on the nights my DH works late or has a side job and I have to get dinner together, feed Ashley, give them both baths and get them both to bed can be exhausting. But it is do-able. You may not get to eat dinner until 8p :) But I will say it has gotten easier as Peyton gets older and is on a set schedule.

    Will C's daycare let him go part time? If not, could you enroll him in preschool a few mornings a week? You could take him to preschool and your DH could stay home with N in the mornings, in the beginning, she will be sleeping a lot, so he may not have to get up with her and may be able to sleep more (FWIW, 5-6 hours of sleep sounds like heaven to me, I normally function off of much less). 

    I do think there is a way to make it work where you both will be happy. I like Backthepack's suggestion of working out a budget when your DH's schedule changes. If he changes his schedule and finds it is not working, will he be able to change it back? You may just need to try it out and he (or you) will see it is not working and then have to find another solution.

    Best of luck! I struggle almost daily with going to work and paying so much for childcare, so I understand how difficult it is. 

  • I think that pulling C, especially with a new baby to adjust to, is not a good idea. He will need things to stay as constant with him because a LOT will be changing in his life.

     If the argument is that you can't afford TWO kids in daycare, than why can't C stay in school? N won't be in school for a long time, since it sounds like your DH is going to be staying at home with her. Did I read that correctly? He is opting to keep both kids at home with him? 

    I definitely think you are right on the money with wanting to keep C in school. If you had to make a compromise, I would say to at least let him still go part-time. A new baby plus pulling him from such a routine like school will be two very big changes. 

     I hope you can come up with a good solution. And like PP said, do a trial first if he is insisting--before pulling him. If your DH decides it's too much with just N and wants to put C back in after he takes him out, chances are your spot will be gone and you both will be in a tough spot. 

    Good luck! 

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  • Sounds like your DH is underestimating taking care of a toddler and a newborn. 

    I'd keep C in daycare since you can afford one in daycare. 


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  • Your points are very valid.  I agree with the PPs that your DH should just try to keep N at home during the day and keep C in DC.  That way, he can see how handling a NB goes and C can keep his normal schedule.  I agree that too much change for C could be a bad idea for him.  I'm also thinking a budget change should at least be looked into to see how you guys can swing it.  GL!  I hope you guys find a common ground soon.
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  • Thanks everybody!  It seems to me that he is the only one not seeing things this way.  I've suggested to him keeping C in at least for a little while to see what kind of schedule N will adapt to but he insists on pulling him as soon as she's born.  I definitely think it's too much change all at once for C.

    And I've also thrown out the point that if we pull him we may not be able to get him back in and I honestly don't want him to go anywhere else.  I haven't talked to the daycare about a part time rate.  From my understanding they haven't done part time but they have recently gotten a new director and I'm not sure what she would think about it.  I need to make an appt with her and talk about it soon.  I have had N on the waiting list since I was 9 weeks just in case it worked out to send her and she is still a good ways down the list so I'm sure there is a list for C's class too.

    I really think the only person that DH will listen to and actually halfway hear what I'm saying is his sister but I don't want to spill all of this to her and then him get mad that I'm "going behind his back" about all of it.  But seriously, she is the only person he will listen to.

    Thanks for your honest opinions!!  You girls are always here when I need you!!

    image Connor Reeves - July 4, 2007 Naomi Raye - January 26, 2011
  • Here's an idea....It sounds like your DH makes $ on his current shift...if he kept the current schedule, could you hire someone part time to come over at maybe 8 AM (before you leave for workwhich would help you a little in the AM-have her come and help w/morning routine, and no kids to get out of the car and to daycare) and stay until noon or 1 while your  DH slept? That would get your husband 8 hours of sleep if he got home at 4 (less if he got home later of course, or maybe the caregiver could stay later those days) ...and you'd only be paying +/-20 hours a week as opposed to 2 kids in FT daycare. And he'd be there to help you in the evenings and be well rested!

     Plus your son would probably take a nap in the afternoon which would be less stressful on your husband - he could focus on the baby (you could have the sitter put him down before she left if your husband won't enforce it).

    I can't imagine my husband working full time second shift and then caring for a newborn and infant all day- I can't imagine myself doing that- it would be brutal and extremely stressful especially working hard hours like that. With this situation you could get the best of both worlds...he'd make more $, you'd get family time together and help in the evenings and your husband gets a break and some quality sleep.

     Good luck, its a tough situation! My DH doesn't get home until 7-8 each night, so I am basically a single parent at night. You get used to it, its tough, but we have a good routine now. It can be lonely though :(

    M/C #1 BFP 5/26/08, missed m/c discovered 9w1d (blighted ovum) M/C #2 BFP 11/19/08, missed m/c discovered at 12w1d (triploidy) BFP!! 3/27 Due date 12/5/09 Benjamin Tate is here! Born 12-1-09, 9lbs 5oz, 22" via C-Section M/C #3: d/x ectopic, methotrexate given 2/11 BFP!! 7/12, due 3-21-12
  • I don't know how much you're paying for C's daycare, but would it be possible to move him to a cheaper place (that's obviously still a good place) or even an in-home center, where you could afford to send both of them? 

    At Eli's old center, I would not have been able to afford 2 there.  So my plan for when we had 2 was to leave him there, and send the baby to an in-home place that's much cheaper.  I have another friend that's actually planning on doing that too.  His new center is cheaper (a fortunate coincidence, not why we moved him) so I will be able to afford to have 2 there when the time comes.

    Just a thought, I don't know how much wiggle room you're dealing with.  I think moving C to a new place would be a better option than pulling him completely and keeping him home.  Especially if you can move him now before the baby comes, so he doesn't associate one with the other.

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  • imagemrsmikey:

    I don't know how much you're paying for C's daycare, but would it be possible to move him to a cheaper place (that's obviously still a good place) or even an in-home center, where you could afford to send both of them? 

    At Eli's old center, I would not have been able to afford 2 there.  So my plan for when we had 2 was to leave him there, and send the baby to an in-home place that's much cheaper.  I have another friend that's actually planning on doing that too.  His new center is cheaper (a fortunate coincidence, not why we moved him) so I will be able to afford to have 2 there when the time comes.

    Just a thought, I don't know how much wiggle room you're dealing with.  I think moving C to a new place would be a better option than pulling him completely and keeping him home.  Especially if you can move him now before the baby comes, so he doesn't associate one with the other.

    Where C is now is the least expensive "quality" place we could send him (in home or center).  They are so inexpensive because they are the hospital run daycare for hospital employees.  We just got extremely lucky to get him in there.  I really would not send him anywhere else.  I have no problem with DH staying homoe with N if he would just leave C where he is.  DH seems to think that my argument is all about me not thinking that he is capable of taking care of the kids, and that's not it at all.  But yes, with the lack of sleep he'll be getting, etc, I think it's going to be a huge stretch to think that he can give the quality, structured day that C already gets.  And C will not be getting the social interaction, etc that he gets in daycare, all of which I think is extremely important to him right now as they prepare him for school. 

    I have proposed to DH about checking in on C going part time.  He hasn't responded yet but I'm fairly confident in saying that I'm pretty sure he's going to shoot down that idea too. 

    image Connor Reeves - July 4, 2007 Naomi Raye - January 26, 2011
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