how can I make my mom understand...

Chevy412

 This is kinda long....

 

When I was 19 I had a baby boy. I had a really rough time raising him and his dad wanted nothing to do with him or me and didn't help out at all. I was paying for daycare during the day and my parents watched him at night so I could work both jobs. Then all of a sudden my mom (who has some health issues and depression) decides she can't handle babysitting anymore. this would have been fine if it wasn't in the  middle of a shift at work... I took a break to listen to my voicemail and my mom apparently had my son in the car and then was going to take him to CPS saying I had just left him there. NOT THE CASE since I brought him there 5 days a week. I left work and went to get my son and my mom told me never to bring him over again unless I was staying. I then had to spend everyday paying people I didn't even know to watch my 8- 9 month old baby (very very very scary). I lost my first job because I just couldn't afford to pay people at night and during the day and almost lost my apartment too. My best friend then informed me that her sister is a stay at home wife and would be willing to watch my son 4 days a week for $100. I was relieved! They were the most wonderful people I had ever met and I fell in love with them and their family (my son even started calling the husband dada) over 3 months I learned more about their life and that they had been trying to adopt for 4 years. Things in my life were only getting harder and more complicated (I almost lost my second job) and I decided after talking to a lot of people that I was going to give my son to this couple to adopt. Well my family didn't agree and after I told them they sued me for custody (they lost) and stopped talking to me.

Its now 3 years later and I am married and have a beautiful little girl. My dad started talking to me at the beginning of my pregnancy and mom in the last weeks of it. I know what I did was right for my son but now anything I say or do always comes back to the fact that I "gave up on my son". My mom and I argue and fight constantly because I won't tell her where my son is and I won't try and get him back. She also tells me she is going to find some way to get him out of that family because "they don't love him because he isn't their real son". I have a hard enough time with the fact that I won't see my son till he's 18 or later that having my mom throw it in my face everyday is wearing me out. When I try and explain that it was for the best my mom tells me I was being selfish and lazy. I don't know how to help her understand or at least get her to stop bringing it up. I can't deal with the arguments and I can't lose my family again but its almost to the point where I just want my mom out of my life. Is there anything I can say to her????

shugs-n-sweets

Oh wow.  I am so sorry you are dealing with this.  You did a very unselfish thing by giving him up.  It was obviously the best thing to do at that time.  I'm not much help for giving advice.  If I were you though, I'd tell her how you feel and if she continues to bring it up and give you grief, you need to cut the ties and be done with her.  I hope you can get things straightened out.

bradley&cassie

I don't think I have any advice for you, but I wanted to say that I think you are a beautiful, amazing person. You already showed such great strength when you put your own emotions aside and did that for your son, so I think you can get through this

veronicacorningstone

Your mom is being extremely selfish and cruel.  Does she not realize her decision to stop watching your child is what started the path toward adoption?  At least, that's what I'm getting from your post.  The fact you gave your son up for adoption to have a better life is amazing. 

I would tell her that her comments are tearing you up inside and that if she wants to continue to have a relationship with you and your granddaughter then she needs to stop.  No ifs, ands or buts about it.  What's done is done and there's no changing it.

If she doesn't stop, you know what you need to do for your own sanity.

JuliaBug

I don't have any advice for your relationship with your mother other than to say that it's not really her business anyway and you don't owe her a thing. You did the right thing for yourself and your son even though it has been very hard. Your mother sounds very immature if she can't understand that and thinks "they don't love him because he isn't their real son."

Ivana_Stolichnaya

I would back away from her.  She's not bringing anything positive into the mix.  She's incredibly self-centered and cruel.  Maybe it would be better not to have a relationship with her.

LoveBeingAWife33008

veronicacorningstone:

Your mom is being extremely selfish and cruel.  Does she not realize her decision to stop watching your child is what started the path toward adoption?  At least, that's what I'm getting from your post.  The fact you gave your son up for adoption to have a better life is amazing. 

I would tell her that her comments are tearing you up inside and that if she wants to continue to have a relationship with you and your granddaughter then she needs to stop.  No ifs, ands or buts about it.  What's done is done and there's no changing it.

If she doesn't stop, you know what you need to do for your own sanity.

this

Chevy412

I have tried cutting off contact with my mom. It was a great two years but if I don't talk to her that means my dad and my brother and sister (ages 14 and 17) aren't allowed to talk to me either. I couldn't take my daughter away from them. I hated the sneaking around to see them especially my dad because my mom threatened divorce anytime my name was mentioned during that two years. I deal with it so my siblings and dad can have a relationship with my daughter. My mom knows how I feel and we argue about it ALL the time. I'm starting to get to the point where I just ignore all her comments now and let them pass without saying anything even though sometimes it makes me want to die inside....