Anyone else have DH issues? (long vent)

KristySnyder

So I am a little frustrated tonight. DH works nights 11am till 8pm and on weekends he works 10am till 9pm. and only has wed and thursday off. Well tonight DS was crying because he was hungry but I just fed him and pumped and didn't want to feed him when it has only been 45 mins scence he last ate plus my boobs were sore. So DH came upstairs and asked why DS was crying. I told him and he took him from me to try and calm him down. and asked me to get a bottle ready. But DH couldn't sooth him for long DS started crying again. So He laid him down and came to check on me. I told himthe bottle will be done soon and that I will go try to calm DS down now. and as soon as I picked him up and laid him on my chest he started to just suck on his fingers vigeriously but not crying. So DH came in and said "See all he ever wants is you and food, He doesn't want anythign to ever do with me." I didn't know what to say good thing the bottle warmer went off to stop the silence. So I handed DS to him and he fed him and then after the burp he handed him back to me and went back down stairs to his game room. WTF seriously!!!! Did he not just get done saying DS wants nothing to do with him? Well I wounder why, 1-Your not the one that is sitting home with him 24/7 cuddling him, feeding him, changing him, playing with him, reading to him, trying to help him learn and taking him places!!!!!! 2-you come home late from work when he is ether just starting to pass out or wants to eat, Yet your to F'n tired and complaine that you just got out of work and need to rest. 3-When you are home you complaine b/c he looks away after 4 secounds and it upsets you so you always walk away and give up. 4-Your XBOX needs to go if your going to complaine that you have no time on it when you spend more F'n time on that when you come home and your days off then trying to get to know and bond with your SON!!!!

We got into it yesterday b/c I wanted to take DS to eastview with my folks to see santa. He said that maybe he wants to be there so now I have to wait till wed or thursday. But then later that night he said its a waste of money and time b/c DS won't remember any of it anyways! 

OMG I AM GOING INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and another thing he keeps reminding me when he gets upset that I wanted the baby and that its my job to handle everything b/c he never wanted kids You know how shitty I am feeling? I feel bad mostly for DS. I know things will change when Lukus gets older and can talk and do stuff. I think DH just wants nothing to do with the stages of his life leading up to it I am so stressed and just need to get out. But I am sitting home b/c its too cold out and too late to be out with DS...I don't want him sick...My poor little guy I wounder if he can feel how I feel and how his father is being?

Sorry so long I just really needed to get it all out, Seeing how I can't sleep and of course DH is down stairs on his XBOX!

kimmyt09

I'm sorry hun. I can DEFINITELY relate to the Xbox thing- I'm about to smash the one my husband has. He was constantly putting his game time before me, Lucas and everything else and last week I snapped. We ended up in a huge fight which wasn't good at all, but it did lead us to a really good talk this weekend. 

When you cool off, you need to talk to him. Even if he didn't want the baby he IS his child, therefore he's responsible for his well being, too. I told DH I will never, ever find gaming a reason to not jump up and help me when I ask for it.

Hope you guys work things out.  

Vet-Tech

I think you'll find we all have varying degrees of issues with our DH's.  Mine is similar to yours, although he doesn't have an X Box he chooses over DD.  He rather makes excuses to not be in the house, whether he has to run errands or he spends the day outside putzing around.  The one night I left him with DD for an hour while I went grocery shopping.  She was fed & I left him with the bottle of formula for supplement.  I came home to find her crying & she had been the entire time I was gone.  I put the groceries away & took her from him & she instantly stopped crying.  He got all bent out of shape saying she didn't know him & blah blah.  You would think that would have been enough to make him realize he needs to spend more time with her, but no.  Truthfully he doesn't even know what to do with her when she cries.  I always find him trying to get her to sleep.  I tell him he needs to show her some of her toys, play with her on the play mat, talk to her, sing to her....he just doesn't get it. The other night he had her on his lap & she was crying.  He was doing something with his I Phone & was just sitting there saying "stop" to her.  I finally went & took her from him.  I guess in general men just aren't nurturing like we are.  I hope as DD gets older & more interactive he starts spending more time with her.  He's missing out & I've told him so but he doesn't get it.

KristySnyder

I agree I don't think men get it at all. They think they can skip over these times and jump in when they want to. Its so hard! I am worried that when I go back to work DS is going to cry the whole two days DH has to watch him. Seeing how he has wed and thursday off only. DS will only be in Daycare monday, tuesday and friday which is great and down the road from my work (even better!) But I am worried that the first day Dh is left alone that ether he is going to get pissed and let him cry the whole 8 plus hours I am at work. or tell me I need to come home or tell me he needs to be in day care all week! and if thats the case I will be really pissed!

 

kg_08

I can relate to pretty much everything you're saying. DH gets home at 11 at night, he gets frustrated when he can't calm down DD, when I'm frustrated he reminds me how much I wanted her, and he's playing his xbox right now.

My DH doesn't sound quite as bad as yours because he does love DD to no end and a lot of times will take her so I can do things, but sometimes it just seems like he's not in the mood to have a kid. I think most of it is that they just don't know what to do... it has gotten better.

MrserinJ

I am really sorry you are both dealing with this but I have to say that just being "men" isn't an excuse. My DH is phenomenal with both our kids and can comfort DS just as well as I can. Genus not intimidated and whenbes with him, he talks to him, cuddles, sings etc. He genuinely wants to be there with them. And he would never ever choose his xbox over time with the kids. It is true that we all need our down time but I think the key is that both him and I respect that we each need that so that when we so spend one with the kids, we are refreshed. Sure, some days we are both tired or overwhelmed but I know I can depend on hinto be my partner and vice versa. We are in this together. He is extremely confident as a father but I think this comes from the fact that he did as much comforting/ soothing as he could from day 1. He would take care of DS at night while I slept sometimes, from the beginning. Both of us were clueless and learning as we went, so the notion that one I could "do it better" was ridiculous. We learned together and both became confident being on our own with the kids. Everyone is scared and overwhelmed the first time but you just have to learn as you go. Maybe it would help if you left the house and your DH had to learn for himself, without being able to just give the baby back to you? It really is worth it. DH and my 3 year old are now the best of friends and he is amazing with our 3 month old too. In sure it's hard and your husband feels insecure but the more he takes care of LO and the more confident he gets, the more he will San to be with him. I wish you luck and hope things get better! Hugs to you!

Diva416

KristySnyder:

I agree I don't think men get it at all. They think they can skip over these times and jump in when they want to. Its so hard! I am worried that when I go back to work DS is going to cry the whole two days DH has to watch him. Seeing how he has wed and thursday off only. DS will only be in Daycare monday, tuesday and friday which is great and down the road from my work (even better!) But I am worried that the first day Dh is left alone that ether he is going to get pissed and let him cry the whole 8 plus hours I am at work. or tell me I need to come home or tell me he needs to be in day care all week! and if thats the case I will be really pissed!

 

 

 I have the same fear!!!!  DH says I spoil LO too much by giving her so much attention.  Today he actually said, "You baby her too much."  OMG!!!!  I said "She's a BABY!!!!"  I reminded him crying is the only way she can tell us she needs something or wants attention.  Today LO was wanting to cuddle all day, and DH gave me a hard time about it.  Yet when I was busy with something for awhile and she was crying, she suddenly stopped.  I come out and look, and DH has her on his chest cuddling.  I said, "See, she just wanted attention from her daddy!"  He acted like he blew it off, but he smiled a bit, so hopefully what I said before that made an impact.  I go back to work in 3 weeks, and I pray he gives her attention beyond just the 2-3 times she will need the bottle while I'm out!!

Mrslove78

It WILL change.  When you have a toddler dancing around the house saying "daddy, daddy" he'll fall in love with that baby to bad.

And yea, at this age all they do is poop, sleep, and cry...  if DH didn't want kids, the reward wont be there yet, but when there is a reward he'll spoil the hell out of the kid.  It's easier for women because we have that natural bonding and nurturing thing going for us, men its harder.

hollowstar

My DH is amazing but I still won't leave LO with him for long stretches, especially if he's tired. I too am scared he'll just be left to cry. DH gets frustrated and has an ability to space out the cries that I just don't possess. Plus I don't want any negativity or bad mood being taken out on the baby.

My DH always complains that I don't let  him spend enough time with LO, but whenever he says that and I go, "Here, take him" and leave, DH comes to find me within the hour because he can't hack it. He's great when he's in an awesome mood with tons of energy. He doesn't get it that most of the time I have LO is when I am worn down and tired. There isn't any other option! He is lucky he has me to pass the kid off on any time he wants. I don't have that luxury and I am typically in a better mood.

tonilee80

Ouch!  I think probably the hardest thing for a father is actually bonding with an infant.  I went through the somewhat the samething.  But this feeling is only temporary.  Once Lukus gets a little older and Jon can start really playing with him and not feel like he is going to "break" him, he will find his groove with Lukus.  Unfortunatly it takes time.  In the mean time, enjoy the mommy and son time that you have with Lukus.  Devin is 8, and I am still greedy with the time I have with him and I don't like sharing;-) haha!

mommabear85

same here.Except one thing different my DH  has game night with the guys EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT. On top of that he had game night on thanksgiving night. Instead of spending the time with our DS. He finds the time for that dame Xbox and every time I hand over DS for him to hold DS will fuss and DH will say I think he is hungry momma.After i just feed him.I tell DH he wants to be walked around,talk to him,play with him. I would love to smash that Xbox. I also had a c- section and i was released on a friday and  he still had game night on that saturday. I was not feeling up to have people over considering i just got out of the hospital. The bad thing is they use our TV in the livingroom.So i cant even watch tv or watch a movie.OOO I get so mad.So i know how you feel.

 

 

 

 

KristySnyder

thanks Toni and ladies...Its hard but I am working thru it. DH has game night on thursdays. So I can simplify with you on that too. its just hard