From the other side

VaulterMom

A woman I work with (in a small office) lost her baby in August. I conceived in August. I'm going to be the one who reminds her of that loss with my belly when I begin to show.

I know that unless I were to MC, I will never feel her pain. But knowing that I will cause her pain to linger is like having bricks on my shoulders. I know there's nothing I can really do, but I've read some of your stories, and some have brought me to tears. All have touched my heart.

If you know of any way to at least ease her pain for the next 6 months, I would really appreciate it.

I wishh all of you still TTC the very best of luck!

emeraudecephiro

Ask about her, how she is doing, how things are. Send her a card or put a note on her desk to remind her you are thinking of her if you are close at all. 

How far was she? Does she talk about her MC? Maybe ask about her feelings if you are close to her. Let her vent and be a strong shoulder for her. Don't just ignore that it happened.

Wait to be asked about your pregnancy, she'll probably ask to be polite. 

mrs.gee

You are very kind to be concerned for her.  I am interested to hear what others have to say because frankly, I don't know how to act around my pregnant friends.  I am happy for them but it is also extremely painful to be with them.  I am sure time will ease her pain, and hopefully she will be pg again soon and you two can share the experience together. 

itsmevkb

Let's hope you never do have to know how she feels.  It is a very hard experience.

I wish that the woman I sat next to wouldn't have complained about things like swollen ankles, or having to get to the hospital at 5:30 for her c-section.  That stuff just seems so little when the trade off is a healthy baby.  I wish she would have asked me about how I was doing.  I can imagine it is awkward for her but at the same time I feel as though I lost my baby and she just went on as though I had never been pregnant. 

I think it just boils down to a sensitivity thing.  You have every right to be excited about your pregnancy and talk about it, etc. but I guess at the same time I think you should just be sensitive to her situation and tone it way down around her.

VaulterMom

Thanks so much.

 We aren't really close, I'm still fairly new to the office (and the youngest one working in it - at 22) and it was spread through the office - I overheard, she only told a few people so I would feel awkward asking about it.

inlovewithB

If she never shared her pregnancy or loss with you and you aren't close. IMO it would be best to stay away from her. Seeing your belly is a reminder of everything she lost. Seeing you is like a punch in the gut for her. Give her space.

amanda2223

It is so kind of you to ask. I agree with the last post-er-- seeing a pregnant woman feels like a punch in the gut. but what feels worse is hearing the complaints. IMO- just avoid complaining about the annoying part of being pregnant. It's annoying when you are pregnant, i know, to vomit or feel awful or gain weight, etc, but all those things are dearly missed when you've lost a baby. so be sensitive about that.

then again, congrats to you! i hope you have a great pregnancy!! you have every right to glow and be joyful, just don't be offended if she walks away abrubtly.

irisey80

I found out a pretty close coworker miscarried when I was about 6 weeks pregnant.  I felt pretty bad when I told her at 12ish weeks that I was pregnant, but she did really well with it.  She was excited and was eager to hear how I was feeling, etc.  It really depends on the person.  I then miscarried and, looking back, am really amazed at how happy she was for me when I was pregnant...I don't know if I could have mustered up that much enthusiasm if I were in her shoes.

Anyway, if your coworker never even told you she was pregnant, I would honestly just act normal.  You are excited to be having a baby and you shouldn't have to pretend that you aren't because you might upset her.  She should understand...just think, every time she goes to the store, to the mall, to anywhere, there are babies, babies, babies everywhere.  I'm sure she is hurting and sad, but life goes on I guess.

Btw, I think it is very sweet that you are so worried about her feelings.  Hope you have a happy and healthy baby!

Junebug060609

If she never told you, I'd say to go about things as you would with anyone else in terms of announcing things.  I'd just be aware of people around you and their reactions.  She's probably not the only one you'll encounter that has had a loss.

I completely agree with pp's that being sensitive about complaints during the pregnancy and after the baby's arrival though.  I'd trade pretty much any pregnancy complaint out there for a take-home baby. 

thewayiam

I agree with the posts above. I am surrounded with many preg friends, including one who teaches with me and I see about 10 or more times a day. Worse, she's due only one week after I was due. So I am basically watching what would be my progressing, all day, every day. It makes me want to vomit every single time I see her. Sorry, but it's true. I know it's not her fault, and she has been very good about it, too. But I can't help it. If you don't know her well and cannot give her your condolences, just stay away. DON'T complain around her. DON'T talk about baby stuff around her at all. DON'T stand with your hands on your back pushing out your belly, in front of her, at all.

It's very nice to hear that someone like you is being so considerate. I should give your phone number to a variety of people in my life who are NOT. Maybe you could teach them a thing or two.

VaulterMom

Thanks ladies! I wasn't sure what kind of response I would get, but you're all amazing!

I haven't been complaining, or talking about it, but I can't avoid her either (her desk is about 4 away from mine in an open office).

You've all shone light on the situation for me and I really appreciate it!

Wishing you all the best for future bearing! *hugs*