Parenting after 35

Tell me if this is wrong...

Since my first son was born over 15 years ago I've done Santa Claus. I have never opened Christmas presents without my children. Even if they were with their dad, Santa Claus still came to my house and we opened presents when they got home.

The thought of mailing presents to them this Christmas makes me want to throw up... I want to wait until they come to celebrate with them even if it means waiting until the summer.

WWYD if you were me?

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Re: Tell me if this is wrong...

  • Dude, definitely put the stuff aside and wait for them.  ESPECIALLY the stuff for your younger one.  Make sure they know that's what's up, so they don't think you forgot, but yeah.  Sending will feel yucky to you, and probably make your younger son sad.
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  • Will you still have regular Christmas for Logan?

    ETA: With my stepson it is a different situation as they just alternate every year, one parent gets Christmas wake up, the other gets Christmas dinner. In the past we've always waited to open present until the afternoon on the years when DH doesn't have wake-up, but when C came along we decided that she would always have a normal Christmas and not be made to wait for her brother to arrive. 

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  • I disagree.  

    With all the drama going on, I think sending the gifts so that they have something to open from their mom on Christmas Eve/Day is more important.  They can't say, "Oh, our mom sucks because she didn't send us anything for Christmas." 

    'Cause really.. at their ages.. it's all about the gifts, not so much about family.   Kids are extremely self-centered, for the most part.. it's all about the "getting."

     

     

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  • Could you send presents from "mom" and keep behind one from "santa"? Because I think BB makes a great point, but your feelings are important, too.
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  • imageBrideBuddies:

    I disagree.  

    With all the drama going on, I think sending the gifts so that they have something to open from their mom on Christmas Eve/Day is more important.  They can't say, "Oh, our mom sucks because she didn't send us anything for Christmas." 

    'Cause really.. at their ages.. it's all about the gifts, not so much about family.   Kids are extremely self-centered, for the most part.. it's all about the "getting."

     

     

    I know what you are saying, that's why I'm torn. With the anomosity, esp from my oldest, I worry about what he would do with the gifts. Or even, if my ex would make sure they got them. Then part of me wonders why in the hell I should reward my oldest's shi!tty behavior with gifts. I'm full of emotions...one extreme to the other.  

     

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  • imageYaraC:

    Will you still have regular Christmas for Logan?

    ETA: With my stepson it is a different situation as they just alternate every year, one parent gets Christmas wake up, the other gets Christmas dinner. In the past we've always waited to open present until the afternoon on the years when DH doesn't have wake-up, but when C came along we decided that she would always have a normal Christmas and not be made to wait for her brother to arrive. 

    Yes, we are still planning regular Christmas for Logan. Things were handled the way you are saying before we moved to IN. The first year we were here the boys were living with us so they spent Christmas with their dad...we celebrated when they returned. Last year because they were living with their dad things were reversed. This year...it's just gone to sh!t.
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  • imageBrideBuddies:

    I disagree.  

    With all the drama going on, I think sending the gifts so that they have something to open from their mom on Christmas Eve/Day is more important.  They can't say, "Oh, our mom sucks because she didn't send us anything for Christmas." 

    'Cause really.. at their ages.. it's all about the gifts, not so much about family.   Kids are extremely self-centered, for the most part.. it's all about the "getting."

    sorry - one handed typing.

    ditto. 100 %. i think your relationship would suffer from this. i would try to positive in your interactions, even when they are not. if it was week one way or the other, then that might be ok. you could always ask each boy what he wants and if one or both chooses to wait, send a small gift to open on Christmas day, but i think you are opening a can of worms, even at that.

     

     

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  • I would mail their stockings to them and leave the rest at home with you.  That way you a) make sure they get something and don't feel unloved but b) you ensure that you get to see them when you give them the gifts.  I wouldn't care how long it too - even if it is this summer, which it won't be.  I know they'll come back around before then.  Positive thoughts!
  • Mail them if these are Christmas gifts. Doesn't matter if the sons don't talk to you/don't thank you at first. They will know that you care, and the relationship will eventually improve.

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  • I'd mail the gifts, if you were going to send gifts regardless.  Don't give your ex anything to hold against you (ie. "Your mom didn't give you a Christmas present but I did.") or anyone else.

    I don't like holding "things" hostage. And I don't think it works, really. I think if you go that route, it could backfire.

    Good luck with it all, Shannon.

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  • imageShannonL.K:

     Even if they were with their dad, Santa Claus still came to my house and we opened presents when they got home.

     

    I know I already answered, but I wanted to clarify that that quote right there is what makes me think you should wait.  You've always handled Christmas that way when the kids were at their dad's, changing the routine because your oldest has decided to be a jerk doesn't seem like a good enough reason to me.

    I like the others' idea about sending the stockings, or sending something from you, as long as they are told *BY YOU* and not your ex that Santa stashed some things for their next visit later on. 

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  • Robyn made a very good point.  

    If you don't send the gifts, it's like you're holding them hostage.  "You can't have your Christmas gifts until you're nice to me."  That just sends a message that your hurt feelings are more important than their Christmas.  

    And in all of this drama... I'm beginning to wonder about jealousy between the older boys and Logan.  When you do talk to them, is it all about Logan and his antics, etc?  I could see how they might think they've been "replaced" by the new baby.

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  • imageBrideBuddies:

    Robyn made a very good point.  

    If you don't send the gifts, it's like you're holding them hostage.  "You can't have your Christmas gifts until you're nice to me."  That just sends a message that your hurt feelings are more important than their Christmas.  

    And in all of this drama... I'm beginning to wonder about jealousy between the older boys and Logan.  When you do talk to them, is it all about Logan and his antics, etc?  I could see how they might think they've been "replaced" by the new baby.

    No, it's not all about Logan...that's far from the case. I talk with them about school, what kinds of things they are doing for fun, girlfriends, what they are watching on tv, the weather...  They ask about Logan so I tell them, but our conversations are far from being completed dedicated to Logan.

    I also wouldn't present it in a way of them not getting their gifts until they are nice to me. That isn't the point...the point is Christmas has always been a special time. A time I've been able to share with them. I'm having a hard time with the thought of giving that up.

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  • imageShannonL.K:

    I'm having a hard time with the thought of giving that up.

    This is the problem, and I don't blame you.  I am thankful I don't have teenagers yet!  Teenagers are self absorbed.. everything is about them.  Forget the situation with your ex... I am sure the boys don't want to spend time away from their friends & their things as well over Xmas break.  I don't think you really are the problem - but they are teenagers.  I think sometimes as parents we have to let go. I am sure it is very difficult.

    I can't imagine not spending Christmas with my kids, but this is the situation you guys are in.  I would send the gifts & when they do come visit make it special in another way, about something else.  Being mad is not going to help anyone.. someday they will grow up & see things very differently. 

    Boy 1 2/06 - Boy 2 12/07 - Boy 3 9/09
  • What about this.... go to pick them up as scheduled.  If they decide not to come with you, tell them that you love them and want to spend Christmas with them, but if you can't, that doesn't change your love for them, and then give them their gifts. 

    This is soooo hard Shannon, I'm sorry!

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  • imageShannonL.K:
    imageBrideBuddies:

    Robyn made a very good point.  

    If you don't send the gifts, it's like you're holding them hostage.  "You can't have your Christmas gifts until you're nice to me."  That just sends a message that your hurt feelings are more important than their Christmas.  

    And in all of this drama... I'm beginning to wonder about jealousy between the older boys and Logan.  When you do talk to them, is it all about Logan and his antics, etc?  I could see how they might think they've been "replaced" by the new baby.

    No, it's not all about Logan...that's far from the case. I talk with them about school, what kinds of things they are doing for fun, girlfriends, what they are watching on tv, the weather...  They ask about Logan so I tell them, but our conversations are far from being completed dedicated to Logan.

    I also wouldn't present it in a way of them not getting their gifts until they are nice to me. That isn't the point...the point is Christmas has always been a special time. A time I've been able to share with them. I'm having a hard time with the thought of giving that up.

    Didn't mean to touch on a nerve there.. it's just such a complicated situation you've found yourself in.  I'd hate for them to resent their baby brother, but he does have proximity to you, and they don't.  Perhaps jealousy is an underlying issue that hasn't really surfaced.  Just a thought.

    As for Christmas being a special time.. yeah, it is.  But every other day of the year is special too, right?   All that tradition and "family" stuff means a heck of a lot more to you than it does to them right now.  That's hard to swallow, I know.  But your situation does not warrant it to be "like always."  You need to do what's best for the boys right now, and if that means you don't see them... well, that's what happens.  

    I don't have a lot of experience with divorce, but military families face separations all the time and no one likes it.. but you cope and adapt your thinking.  You are no longer a "traditional" family, so some things that a family "traditionally" does are not exactly practical or even possible.  And now that you live so far apart, it's going to become a more frequent issue for you to accept and/or cope with the fact that you can't be there for every milestone and holiday. 

    Sorry if this comes across as harsh.  Can't think of a better way to phrase it, tho.   It sucks big fat donkey ballz all around.

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  • Save them! It will mean more if you get to open them together.
  • I think that even if you don't intend to hold the gifts hostage, that is how it will come across and certainly how it will get twisted by the X and new wife. You are giving your X way to much "ammunition" and he will use it. How about sending their gifts, but then doing a fun "Christmas in July"  - or whenever they will be with you - kind of thing when they are with you. I know it isn't nearly the same thing, but you're in a new situation - with some... ahem, new complications... so you need new solutions. Maybe time for new traditions.

     

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  • imageDaisiesinmygarden:

    I think that even if you don't intend to hold the gifts hostage, that is how it will come across and certainly how it will get twisted by the X and new wife. You are giving your X way to much "ammunition" and he will use it. How about sending their gifts, but then doing a fun "Christmas in July"  - or whenever they will be with you - kind of thing when they are with you. I know it isn't nearly the same thing, but you're in a new situation - with some... ahem, new complications... so you need new solutions. Maybe time for new traditions.

     

    Unfortunately, I think Noelle is right -- your ex will find a way to twist things.  I think it's a great idea to do a Christmas in July type thing.  I also like Shelley's suggestion of going down there in person, but I can understand that it may not be in the budget. 

  • Ok here is my paranoia.  I would send the gifts registered mail so whoever receives them has to sign for them.  That way, if he does not give them to the kids, you have proof that you sent them.  Perhaps even taking pictures wraping the gifts with Logan and putting them in the box and taking it to the post office.

     

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