"Registering" for a doula?
Hey everyone,
I am new to this board and have some questions about setting up a gift registry. I have lots of time (baby number one is due in March) and want to get as much information as I can. My husband and I are lucky enough to have family who passed on most of what we need for the baby. From a designer crib and furniture to the stroller and highchair, we already have almost everything. We will need a few items from a regular registry (like baby monitors, and we'll be doing cloth diapers) but there is very little we can really put on a typical gift registry. Certainly not enough for the number of guests that will be invited to a shower.
The only thing we think we'll really need is a labor doula, and yet I have no idea how to put a doula on a registry or ask for contributions without being totally tacky. I've seen honeymoon registries though the few I saw were ick and tacky, but I've never seen anything like that for a baby shower. Anyone have any ideas how it can be done without looking like a money grubber or a brat?
Thanks!
Re: "Registering" for a doula?
I would find this a VERY weird thing to register for. I woudln't do it.
If you really don't need anything, then dont' have a shower. Have a party after the baby is born if you want to 'celebrate'.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This. And I'd give you the side-eye if I were a guest.
This. And you're essentially asking for cash, which is never acceptable.
And I would bet that the majority of your guests wouldn't know what a doula is - I didn't until I joined the bump when I was pregnant.
To echo what was said above, if you don't need anything, then don't have a shower. Or have a very small one.
I agree with this, good point on the hospital bills!
So I'll be the odd ball out and say I think it is a great idea. And maybe it is different where you live, but cash registries for big ticket items like honeymoons, house improvement, and services that can't go on a normal registry are totally acceptable -and not only that, but seem to be more prevalent than traditional registries. Maybe thats b/c people around here tend to live on their own and already have the traditional registry type items. But we had a honeymoon registry and two traditional store registries for our wedding - and we got a LOT more guest giving towards the honeymoon registry than the other two combined.
For the baby shower, we have registered at BRUs, a cloth diaper online store called cottonbabies.com, and we have reused our honeymoon registry to request donations towards big ticket items like our birthing photography package, a diapering service, and a housecleaning service. So guests have lots of options for what they want to give and how they want to give it.
There are sites out there for baby registries. We decided to reuse our honeymoon registry b/c we had already paid the $25 fee to create it - and it didn't cost anything to redesign it, plus it doesn't charge guests for their donations - something that is important to me.
In terms of specifically asking for a doula - again, my friends and family all know what this is b/c most of them have used one - so no one would bat an eye at it. I'll say in the last 5 years, I have purchased a gift off someone's baby registry ONCE. Every other shower I have gone to, I have given the mom to be a gift certificate for a pre-natal massage. I personally think giving things like baby clothes is a waste of money - every shower I go to has so many of these that the baby will never even wear them all. But taking care of the mother's health and assuring a supportive delivery is priceless.
Holy shakedown for gifts and cash, batman! Birthing photography? Diapering service? Housecleaning service?
If a guest wants to give you cash to put towards whatever you want, that's fine.
But asking people to pay money for someone to take pictures of your va-jay-jay while baby is being squeezed out is ridiculous.
That's all I can manage right now...
http://pandce.****/index.cgi#general
Wait until you have your child and he or she pukes, pees and has poop blowouts on outfits several times a day. You'll be thankful for extra clothes.
Taking care of the mother's health and assuring a supportive delivery are jobs for the baby's father and the medical staff. And I'm having a hard time seeing how va-jay-jay photography (sorry, can't get over this one...), and housecleaning service have anything to do with the mother's health and "assuring a supportive delivery".
No WAY do I think it's acceptable to register for a doula. DH and I have one and when booking, the head of the agency mentioned the registry option and I immediately "forgot" about it.
The idea of registering for cash items for a baby is even more repugnant to me than a honeymoon registry. At least with a honeymoon registry you're asking for money based on an event - not based on your offspring.
Again, I'm sure its different where you live - but it's really not an issue where I am. My aunt has already contributed to the photography session b/c she wants "mommy pictures" as she puts it. And since this the same photographer from my wedding, whom my guests all absolutely loved and many booked for their own weddings after ours, there are many guests who are totally excited about it.
I'm not saying that babies shouldn't get any clothes at a shower -- I'm just saying the proportion of things like clothes to things that are truly essential seem to be way out of the water. Yes, you need a lot of clothes for the baby to change outfits - but knowing that any shower I'm going to is going to have 85% of the gifts be clothes that never get worn b/c baby grows out of them so fast, I like to give a service to the mother.
And I did not say that housecleaning or photography has anything to do with a mother's health of supportive delivery. I said that giving cash towards a doula service did. I completely realize that things like housecleaning, diaper service and photography are non-essential. Just as non-essential as many of the things on a traditional registry. That's why I'm giving our guests plenty of options -- they can purchase things off the BRUs registry if they are offended by the concept of giving a cash gift. But since our cash gift registry got a LOT more purchases off of it than our Target or BB&B registries did for our wedding, I'm really not worried that any of our guests will be offended. They loved it, and for our thank you notes, we sent a picture of the activity we did on our honeymoon that they had paid for -- they loved that too.
I think this comes down to knowing your guests. My guests really won't get offended. You all would get offended -- and none of you are invited to my shower, so it's not really something I have to worry about.
The OP should consider what her friends and family will think. My family would pay for a doula in a heartbeat b/c they all feel it is a very important service.
Something I realized as i was reading over the responses -- there seems to be the assumption that people use these cash registries just to ask for cash flat out - as if the person receiving the cash is just using the registry as a front to receive cash and isn't going to use it towards the specific items asked for. I would find that offensive, but I've never encountered that. Everyone I know who has had a contribution registry has actually used the money towards exactly what they said they would use it for. To me, its really no different saying "I already have a crib sheet set, but what I really need is money towards the breast feeding consultant that will come to our house immediately after the birth". As long as you are using the money towards what you said you would (and why would you NOT do that?), guests have total freedom to make their own choice -- if they want to get you a crib set - then that's what they get you, if they want to get give you money towards your LLL consultant, that's what they give you. They don't have to give you anything if they don't want to -- its just about giving them lots of options of things you actually need.
I should add that we tracked our cash contirbutions in our annual finance spreadsheet for the wedding -- we received $7,000 in cash, check and credit card contributions towards our honeymoon fund, we received $800 of gifts off our traditional Target and BB&B registries. So again, it comes down to knowing your guests and what they prefer -- our guests preferred to give us cash towards something special that we couldn't regularly afford rather than physical gifts for our home.
Not that is has anything to do with the OP, but please clarify what type of "photographs" you are having taken. I think we're all of the belief that you're hiring a photographer to shoot the birth. Is that right?
http://pandce.****/index.cgi#general
Showers are about helping a new parent get started. If you already have everything you need, here's a concept - DON'T HAVE SHOWER! Believe it or not, they aren't required! You don't HAVE to shake your friends and family down for frivilous items like a professional photographer, or a diapering service, etc.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Actually, the etiquette is the same no matter where you are. I see people use this reasoning a lot but I have never seen it supported by any reputable source.
Also, if your friends/family have any manners of course you wouldn't know if they were offended. It wouldn't be polite of them to tell you so.
BFP #2 10/13/11 c/p 10/17/11
BFP #3 12/13/11 EDD 8/23/12 DS Born 8/27/12
Sure, maybe some of her friends and family didn't care. But I can guarentee you that not "everyone" was totally fine w/ it either.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
To answer the question asked - the photography is a package that covers the first year of the baby's life - it includes a maternity shoot, the homebirth, a two week shoot, two milestone shoots, and a first birthday shoot. It's not only for the birth.
I could understand everyone's offense if you all were saying that telling a guest what you need or want is inappropriate - but you aren't. You are saying that telling guests what material items you need/want is okay, but telling guests what services you need/want is not. I just don't buy into this form of materialism. And when it comes down to it, saying that a shower is about giving new parents things they absolutely need is bull. I don't *need* anything - i wouldn't be having a baby if I didn't have the resources to provide for that child's needs. Would that be hard on us financially, yes. Would it be nice if people contributed to ease the burden, yes. But not necessary.
You're all acting like this is a ploy to be money grubbing - and if that's the way showers are for you, I'm very sorry for you. The 3 showers that will be thrown for my husband and myself and the combined 65 guests that will be invited were all offered and organized by other people who care about us and want to celebrate our child's birth. There won't be a bouncer at the door assuring everyone brings a gift - their presence in the celebration is what is important to us. But we've already received emails from guests who cannot attend specifically asked what gift they could give to us because they *want* to give something. That is the key point here - no one has a gun to their head being told they must get us a gift. We have various options available for people who *want* to give us a gift.
You are right - gracious guests wouldn't say something if they were offended by our honeymoon registry. They also wouldn't feel obligated to purchase something from it since we had two traditional registries with plenty of low cost items that in the end, we had to purchase for ourselves if we wanted them b/c MOST of our guests chose to contribute to the honeymoon fund. Offended guests are also not obligated to say things to us about the honeymoon registry like, "That was such a cool idea, I wish that had been available when we got married." Politeness is one thing, but suggesting that our guests would willingly participate in something they find completely offensive when they also had the option of a traditional registry instead is ludicrous. Perhaps not everyone is totally fine with it - but $7K contributions towards the cash registry vs. $800 in actual material objects off our registry is a big enough difference to assure me that those who were offended were in the minority and utilized the traditional option available to them.
Let's go back and look at the material object vs. service argument you seem to be making. Take the housecleaning service for example. This is done by a close friend of ours, Ann, who supplements her very unpredictable income as a published writer with cleaning our house and the house of our friends before big events, etc. Her service costs 1/3rd the price of the crib we registered for on BRU; 1/2 the price of the stroller we registered for; and the same price as the manly diaper bag my husband picked out for himself. But BRUs doesn't let you buy a portion of a diaper bag - its all or nothing. So a guest that wants to contribute towards a gift for us, but doesn't h`ave $100 to drop on a diaper bag can give us $10 towards the cleaning service b/c the registry allows us to accept it in smaller increments. Plus one friend who already contributed to this knows that not only is he helping us out by getting the cat hair vaccumed up the week after I give birth and not feeling up to clearing the allergens out of the area; but he's also friends with Ann - so he's helping her out too b/c the money is going to her - not some store clerk in a chain store peddling plastic that was made in Taiwan.
Same thing with our photographer. She will be leaving for a trip to India 3 weeks after my birth to do a photo shoot for a charity organization that brings medical supplies to a very poor area of India. She has to pay for her own air fare as well she is donating all the pictures and copyright for her work to the charity for their future use. As she was getting her photography business up and running, she did part-time reception at my office, and did all of our publicity photos. So my office mates know her well. They are thrilled to contribute towards her package deal with me as their joint office gift because not only do we get beautiful memories from our birth experience, etc. but the money helps her to afford the airfare to India for a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I think if you were to look through your own registries, you'd see a lot of items that you don't actually need. I'd venture to say that your baby would survive without 85% of them. You might tell yourself you really really need them because they will make life more convenient for you - but if you honestly thought about it, you don't. You don't need a diaper genie - you probably already have a kitchen trash can. But the diaper genie will cut down on the smell in your house. You don't need a cute diaper bag - you probably have an old book bag or gym bag laying around that you could carry all of baby's items in. But the diaper bag has neat little compartments that make it easier for you to organize and change a diaper on the fly. You don't need a boppy - you probably have some throw pillows on your sofa you could use instead, but the boppy is made to fit you and the baby better. Sure you need some bottles. But do you need the bottle sterilizer you registered for, or the bottle warmer - no, you could hand wash those bottles or warm up the milk on the stove, etc. But it makes life more convenient.
So I really don't see a big difference between the $50 bottle gift pack at BRUs that includes some BPA free bottles, a sterilizer and a cleaning brush that makes life more convenient and the $50 we are giving to the mom who lives two blocks over, who started her own eco-cleaning diaper service to supplement her family income b/c she stays at home with her children now. Except the difference here is that our guests have the *choice* to pick whichever one they want and feel more comfortable with - and if they don't want to pay $50 towards an items that BRUs has pre-packaged, they can contribute $10 towards the service instead.
I would think there'd be a problem if we ONLY registered for cash items - if the "doula" service was the only thing the OP was asking for. But it didn't seem that was the case with the OP, and it certainly isn't the case for us. For our friends who are like you and only value material objects, they can get those things for us - and we will be very grateful for these gifts. For the rest of our friends who were the ones that actually suggested we do an additional cash registry (my mother suggested the diaper service, my friend with two homebirthed sons suggested the cleaning service and multiple friends who love our photographer suggested that), they will be happy too.
There is so much unnecessary pretense and judgment in our society that just makes no rational sense - especially in a country were service is our number one job ... the US doesn't make things anymore - we ship all that stuff from BRUs and Target in from third world countries. So why is it polite to ask for that stuff but poor etiquette to ask for a service that will benefit us and the baby equally so from a local, hard working neighbor or friend?
Off our *wedding* registry. It's hilarious how hyper-critical you all are -- I can't win for losing in this thread b/c you have a hypocritical judgment for everything I say/offer. If I say that my wedding guests were not offended by the cash registry, I'm told that I have no way of knowing that b/c polite guests wouldn't say anything and that you are certain my guests were in fact offended and I am so clearly out of touch with the people that care about me that I could not possibly be certain they weren't offended. So I give a clear cut example based on the actual numbers we recorded that shows the big discrepancy between how much my guests chose to contribute towards the cash registry and how much they chose to purchase off our traditional material registry, and you say that clearly I'm in it for the money. Seriously? I'm sure you're now going to say that the fact we recorded all money coming in from the wedding proves that we are money grubbing, when honestly it is because I come from a family of accountants I was taught to book keep and record *all* income including gifts in and gifts out.
I get it - you all think that a cash registry for services related to the event of a first child being born is tacky. I think placing a taboo on receiving services as gifts, but registering only for material objects that are unnecessary and serve to make life more convenient is hypocritical.
But like I said before, I'm not going to your shower, and you aren't coming to mine - so we don't really have to worry about how offended the other will be at my obvious money grubbing or your obvious materialism. You can shake your head at me from afar while you revel in those Taiwanese-made exersaucer, 10 sound baby mozart mobile and video conferencing baby monitor that Aunt Sally got for you. And I can shake my head from afar while I email my Aunt Jaci in California the pictures of my baby's first breath she paid for while my baby lays on the homemade quilt that's on the allergen free floor googling at the mobile my sister-in-law made for him.
Have fun judging me for appreciating pictures and services - I'll be laughing when your exersaucer gets recalled.
Keeping track of the money you received isn't money-grubbing. Quoting (several times, in fact) exact amounts of money that you received from your money registry is more a demonstration of money grubbing.
He's the single greatest thing I've done in my life and reminds me daily of how fun (and funny) life can be. He's turned out pretty swell for having such a heartless and evil mother.
kesrya: I'm thinking you have quite wealthy family and friends. I don't know anyone that has ever received the amount you did for a wedding (with the exception of one of my cousins who got enough to buy a car...in 1988 but they had 700 guests...seriously)!
I personally don't know anyone and have never heard of anyone getting $$ toward a doula, photography sessions or housekeeping services at a baby shower. I did receive a diaper service for 1 month. I've never even seen a gift that was more than $200 (and that was from a grandparent or sibling) for a baby shower. But then, I didn't have guests who were wealthy. I'm thinking the highest income anyone made was maybe $250,000/year so maybe that is why.
I think it is a great idea to use a person's registry. I really don't believe it is items not needed...most of it IS needed. I suppose if you have a never ending list of guests one would start putting things down that were more wants vs needs but I've never seen a registry like that.
It is good that you "think" or "know" your guests don't have a problem with you requesting them to pay for a honeymoon, photography sessions or housekeepers. If that is how the people in "your circle" think then great. I didn't invite people that were only in MY circle though because my circle is not that big.
Thanks for your input rhubarb. I think you're probably spot on. There is an air to everything she's written that just says to me she's not speaking from the same point of view as the most of the rest of us. Especially her original proclomations of how "where she lives", this is what people do.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Why does 'lack of validation' mean no support?
You need support regarding the bad stuff - not to tell you whether or not something is tacky.
I also think you're really going to appreciate an exersaucer, so don't knock it till you try it.
Very mature.
Evelyn (3.24.10), Graham (5.30.13) & Miles (8.28.16)
Why do people assume this? And does "supportive" mean everyone has to agree with you? Maybe 10 people IRL thought it was a good idea, but clearly a good bit of people here don't agree. I'm not saying you have to do what strangers on the internet say, but you asked for opinions and you got them. Don't get mad because we're "unsupportive" of your idea.
Evelyn (3.24.10), Graham (5.30.13) & Miles (8.28.16)
To homebird and banana,
If you read my first post, you'd see I wasn't looking for "validation" and it wasn't "my idea". I stated that I don't know if there is a way to do this without being tacky, but thought I'd look into it anyway. I think honeymoon registries are tacky, and thought a doula registry would be also. I have no problem with any of the responses in this thread that relate to my original request for opinions. In the end, I won't be registering for a doula, not only because it makes my husband and I feel awkward, but because we found we can register through diapers.com for all of our cloth diapers.
What I do take issue with is the ongoing commentary that followed, after one poster voiced her opinion and it was not a popular one. The conversation then took a nasty turn and insults were thrown. The back and forth angry banter just seems unnecessary. Whether I agree with that poster or not isn't important. I just don't get why people feel the need to be so negative just because they don't agree. That type of mean spirit is what I was referring to when I noted that this seemed "unsupportive". Maybe I should have said I thought this was meant to be a positive place. I suppose it's what is to be expected when so many people with so many varying views are on this board.
It depends on where you live/where you come from. Don't listen to those who say that OMG you are the tackiest person in the world and it's never acceptable to ask for money. Because again, it depends.
In the shower thrown by my friends in Austin we did traditional registries. The shower thrown by my husband's family in north Texas, we are doing the same. For the shower thrown by family in south Texas, where all the guests were Mexican, a money box/tree was EXPECTED. My mother, aunt and cousin who hosted the shower were shocked that at my two other showers there would be no money tree/box. I had to explain to her that American showers don't work that way. Half of the guests brought money, half brought gifts. We also had about 50 women show up which may be considered "gift grabby" and tacky, but for our family, that is the norm. It is a social event. And I didn't open any presents in front of guests - in our family that is considered very tacky, whereas in American showers it seems that it is expected.
We ALSO did a honeymoon registry when we got married 5 yrs ago, and a great deal of our guests (non-Hispanic) thought it was a great idea because they were coming in from out of town and didn't want to have to pay extra for shipping on gifts, or carry a gift with them on the long drive in/flight in.
So again, it DEPENDS. I never came on here and asked if it was ok to put a money tree at my shower because I knew the answer. That being said, if it is not acceptable in your family culture/traditions - which I'm guessing it's not because if you already knew the answer, you wouldn't be asking - then don't do it.
You do understand that you don't NEED a doula right? I don't know anyone that's had one.
They all did fine.
The bump is NOT a support group.
Learn that now while you're still new. It will save you MUCH heartache later.
Also, I didn't read anything past the first sentence of Keyras 1st post. I looked at how long it was and heard "Charlie Brown's teacher" .
Oh absolutely, but my husband and I have decided that it's important to us. We are hours from all of our family and friends, and we also don't want any of our family members in the labor and delivery room with us. It will take them long enough to get to the hospital to see the baby at all. This is our first baby, and even though we are taking birth classes and love our OB, we really want the extra support of a doula. We have several doula friends (sadly none of them close enough to actually attend our baby's birth!) who have helped us with the process of finding a doula. It's certainly a luxury, not a necessity, but it's one we decided was worth the cost.
jojobean26: the site you are looking for to create this kind of registry is called www.depositagift.com
i think it's a great idea. a cash gift registry is like kesrya said...a way for people to contribute to what you need in a more flexible way. if you ask people who've already had kids, they'll tell you that if they'd had it to do over, and if they'd had the option, they would have done so. babies need so many things, but lots are not tangible, and lots are not known until the baby arrives. (plus, nothing on a registry is on sale, but if you have money to spend later, you can be a lot smarter about it ) and then of course there are the pre and immediate post-natal things that just require money, like a doula, birthing classes, baby nurse etc. personally i'd rather give someone a practical gift if that is what they felt they needed. i'd definitely check out deposit a gift. we're having a really good experience so far. it's really low stress, which is welcomed these days.