- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Parenting
I'm having a really, really hard time with this...
So DH and I talked and decided I should probably become a SAHM with this new baby. It really does make the most sense. The list of pros is endless:
- We won?t be able to justify the costs of two in daycare (at 16-18,000 a kid/annually)
- PAC?s going to be starting kindergarten in a year so I?d have to figure something out anyway since it?s a half-day program (I?d have to fine a ride for him from daycare to the school and back to daycare otherwise)
- It?s just going to be too much with 2 kids if we both keep our jobs and commute?we both work in Manhattan, on a typical day I leave at 7 and come home at 6:30-7, and that?s a regular day. When I?m in production, it can be much later
- I can barely keep up with everything, like housecleaning and projects and stuff, now. With another kid, nothing will get done.
Anyway the list goes on and on. So yeah, it makes the most sense. But here?s the thing. As much as I?d love to just leave it all behind and focus 100% on my family, I?m having issues with the decision. I?m at such a great place in my career?I?m editor in chief of a major national business magazine, have a strong online presence, am considered an expert in my field, and have achieved things I wouldn?t even have thought possible for someone who?s only 30. And I know there?s so much more I could do. But the only way for me to keep working is if I get a massive raise and more flex time?which is not going to happen.
And yes, it?s only temporary, but we all know how hard it is to get back to where you were after taking a few years off, especially in this market, which is going to last a while. I?m just having a really hard time leaving it all and just walking away to spend 24/7 with two children. No knock against SAHMs, there?s a part of me that would LOVE to do that, but I?ve always had a life outside the house, ya know? Even when I was on maternity leave, I kind of felt my brain dying.
I know it?s like, a year away (I?ll definitely come back to work for a few months so I get the maternity leave and leave ethically) but I?m stressing. Tell me I?ll get over this. Anyone go through this?
My babies!!
Patrick Aydin, 9.24.07, and Alia Noor, 6.1.11
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I'm having a really, really hard time with this...
DD2 11.17.08
I totally get it not wanting to leave work. I can't leave either, but I work PT, as I did before kids in a corporate job so it makes sense to stay.
Can you freelance for your magazine to stay in publishing? Can you publish articles to stay relevant? Could you work out some sort of PT daycare or swap babysitting w/ another mom so you can stay connected in Manhattan?
It will all work out! One of my FB friends just found a great job after being home w/ her twins for over 2 years.
EDIT: is it possible for your DH to be a SAHD? If your earning potential is greater than his, can he take a few years off?
Christmas 2011
Such a hard decision. I think the pp had great ideas. I think I would focus on a way to continue to work (since it sounds like your heart is in it), whether that be part time, working from home, freelance, consulting, etc. I know other women who work those crazy hours too, and still have wonderful family lives, so it can be done.
(((hugs))) I know it's really hard.
Don't leave. Daycare costs are temporary. Half day programs are temporary. Stay at your job. Hire people to help out at home and with the kids. Accept that for 3-5 years you may be very, very tight financially. But in the long run, you will be happier, your family will be happier.
Hire a nanny or an au pair. You should be able to do that for $25Kish. That will relieve an enormous burden across the board. Presumably you earn more than $25K so the financial situation will be moot.
Keep your job. Think creatively and do it.
Yes, I can definitely freelance?I?m not concerned at all about that and am definitely planning on it. It?s writing though, and while my roots are in journalism, I?m an editor at heart. Editors do SO much more than writing?I hardly ever write anything these days unless it?s a major cover story or opinion, like an editorial or something. I?m just going to miss coming into an office and having a team and being creative, competitive, all that stuff that comes along with being at the helm of a magazine. And you can?t really do my job part-time or from home?you need that face-to-face contact.
And DH does earn more than I do?not a heck of a lot, but enough to justify his working. Plus, he has better insurance. In terms of potential, we both have the same, though he?s more an established name in his industry?he?s a NYC executive chef. See the dilemma?two relatively young, ambitious, workaholics don?t help a family?s overall stress levels. Gah. Who knows? My job might surprise me and give me a mega raise when I put in my notice! I hope.
First of all, I think most of us struggle with these decisions and it's only in rare cases that a mother is 100% confident that her choice is the right one. I, for example, knew I would SAH with my future children long ago but of course I have plenty of thoughts about "wasted" education, not being financially productive, etc.
Anyway, my instinct after reading your post is to encourage you to stay at home. It's not a permanent decision, but a very important one to you and your family - mostly, to your kids. I know we all have kids and different models of raising them whether we work or not, etc. But I believe strongly that no one can love them and raise them like we, their parents, can. These are the years to shape them, teach them and influence them. Later, they need us in different ways and those ways may fit better with us working outside the home (for those of us that can choose). When they are in school, for example, we can start to carve out more hours for our careers and ourselves.
I don't mean to be naive about your chances to recover the same position when you return. But I do think you should have an open mind, bank on your successes thus far and have faith.
And here's the corny bit: there's no more important job than raising children.
Good luck with your decision!
My three little ones
I am just going to add that even if 100% of my salary was going towards daycare/childcare costs, I would still work.
Work is more than a paycheque for me.
Could you be a consultant or freelance?
Everything will work out.
I will say that with 2 kids, it is a million times harder for me. I work 10-7, MTW, with occasional overnight travel. I p/u the kids 1 night, and DH has them the other 2 nights. Bascially I wasn't home 3 nights a week, and it showed. The house was in complete, utter disarry all.the.time. I am stressed all the time. We're eating dinner at 9:30 at night. It hasn't been healthy for us.
I just switched my schedule to 6-2 M, 10-7 TW, and I do check/respond to emails on my days off. Having that early day will hopefully help and reduce the chaos.
If you do continue to work, I agree w/ getting a maid. Actually, that's on my Christmas list, for reals.
Christmas 2011
I agree with this, especially if you want to get back in the work force some day.
Have you checked the costs of having a nanny/au pair instead of daycare? With your schedules and more than one child, a nanny often makes more sense both financially and schedule-wise. You wouldn't have to worry about carpools and halfday programs, you wouldn't be in a rush to meet daycare closing times, etc. And the cost for two kids is not double the cost for one. Many nannies will also do some housekeeping for a little extra, or you can hire a cleaning lady. Consider a live-in if you have the space. Their pay is lower since you're giving them room and board, and they will more often do housekeeping since they're living there.
If I was in your situation, if I wasn't making a total loss by working, I would not give up my job. You sound like me in that staying home can make you stir crazy, and you are ambitious and value your career highly. It is hard to give that up without at least giving it the good fight and considering all your options.
I'm an editor too, so I know just what the job entails. And even though you may not want to freelance write, it's SO important to keep your contacts up to date. Honestly, taking 5 years off from print is career suicide. Not what you want to hear, but it is. You already know the industry is in a tailspin, and it's not going to be any better when you get back. It's freaking cutthroat out there right now. Every former laid-off editor is now a "freelancer" or a "consultant."
I love, love, love, my job, but I'm currently sacrificing promotions by having a lesser position in exchange for telecommuting. In my case, you can do my job from home (I'm not an EIC, obviously), but I'm giving up promotions in exchange for zero commuting -- I did the 2-hour commute thing. Sucks. I miss my coworkers and I miss the brainstorming that goes on without me, but I work my butt off every day to make sure I'm still relevant. Since having DS, I've managed to stay current with the necessary technology and with my contacts -- I would have lost all of that.
If you really love this industry, and it sounds like you do, find a real way to keep your name out there.
Besides, every EIC needs to spend more time in the field -- it's good for your skills. The best editors are the ones who are strong writers.
(excuse any typos -- I'm posting quickly and not proofreading)
I personally think everyone has a gut feeling about SAH or not. If you think it's not for you, more power to you for knowing. Start thinking about how to make it work to keep your job.
I love being at home but we have sacrificed big time in terms of insurance and retirement and to me, even if the actual take home only covers child care, you will still be further ahead financially, both currently and in the future. Time out from the career does make it hard. Not impossible, but hard.
Anyway, I think people, if they can, should decide based on what is best for them and then work the rest out. You can always resign if it doesn't work out or you change your mind.
I'm not an editor, never was. I am a SAHM. And, to be frank, it doesn't sound like being a SAHM is a job for you.
And as the pp said, your career with come to screeching halt, never to recover if you leave now.
If I were you, I wouldn't do it. I'd figure something else out.
I have several working friends who KNOW they can't be a SAHM because they are doing REALLY well at their job-job. And while they adore their children, SAH isn't the job for them. And they know that. And there's nothing wrong with it.
I don't know you at all but this all just sounds like a poor decision. If you decide to SAH, that will be your new career path.
Me with my littlest.
If you can find a way to make it work to stay at your job, it sounds like that would be the best options for you. Even if you forfeit most or all of your paycheck to daycare, it's only temporary. PAC will be in Kindergarten half day and then he'll be in full-time school, so you'll only have to pay for one in full-time daycare after a year, right?
I agree that a nanny might be a more viable option. A nanny might be more expensive, but you wouldn't have to schlep two kids in addition to your commute and would eliminate the issue of having to arrange for pick-up/alternate care for the half-day PAC's not in school. In addition, most will do minor housekeeping -- especially as it relates to the kids. When I was a nanny, I considered it part of my job to keep the house picked up. I also often did laundry while the kid(s) napped.
I currently SAH and probably won't ever return to the corporate world. My heart just never was in it. However, I get a lot of fulfillment from my business and can't imagine not having that creative and professional outlet. If you can't see yourself giving up what you've worked so hard for, don't. It doesn't sound like you'd be really at peace leaving your job and knowing you'd have to struggle to get back where you are, which would probably leave you resentful.
I wouldnt leave your job. I would DEFINITELY look into getting a nanny. The cost of a nanny may be slightly more than what you'd pay for 2 in daycare- BUT- it offers flexibility and convenience that you could never have with daycare. The nanny can pick up/drop off at school, run errands for you, do light housework (if you pay enough, of course).
A nanny is the way to go, lady!
totally agree with that part. I am a teacher and I'm pretty honest about not liking teaching very much. However, I cannot imagine what I would do with myself if I had to be home all day, every day. I just can't do it. I was so miserable when I was on maternity leave, and even though I have so much more to do in a day when I work, I could never quit working. And I don't feel bad about it for a second...staying home isn't for everyone. If you don't want to do it, don't. Even if it means working just to work and not for the paycheck, but more for the sanity...and for the fact that when you do stop paying for daycare you will still have a career that you love!
could your H stay home instead?
did he not just recently start a new job?
could you move closer to the city?
could you work pt from home?
I am panicking for you- Im not that into sahming.
Like you said, you have almost a year before you need to worry about this, so you have a lot of time to stew on it and think about options, so don't panic. You are very smart to plan on going back for at least a few months after your maternity leave. That will give you a lot of clarity. If it's hell, you won't spend your SAHM years wondering if it could have worked. Or you might find it's more doable than you think.
I strongly urge you to go the nanny route. A legal one with a car will most likely be more than paying for two in daycare, but it's worth every penny, and takes care of the half-day school issue because she can pick him up.
I was in a similar position when I had DD. My career was going great and I had worked so hard and so long to get where I was, but I was nervous about balancing it all. I did go back after my maternity leave and put DD into daycare and it was awful. My job required long hours, I had a two hour commute, DH worked even longer hours and traveled frequently so it was all on me, DD was a terrible sleeper, I was stubborn about BFing and pumping 3 times/day at work... it just sucked. I went part-time for a while (which really can be the best of both worlds) before quitting altogether and switched from daycare to a nanny, and I can't even describe what a difference that made. I'm convinced that if DD had been a decent sleeper, and I had used a nanny from the start, I'd still be happily working full-time. Good luck, I hope things work out!