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My UO

I think that the divorce process should be long and painful. I also think that the marriage process should be more than filling out paperwork, but that's a whole 'nother UO.

I think you should have to be evaluated and determine that you're fit and in sane mind to get a divorce. I think the process is too quick, and people instantly act on emotions and dont clearly think things through. Plus, far too many young people get married and think, 'oh, its just a piece of paper, if it doesnt work out, I'll find someone new by next week.' 

For example: I have a FB friend who was married to a guy she met in the Airforce. They got married less than 6 months after meeting, and after a year and a half of marriage, she found out he was cheating. He would fly some other girl down to their house while she was on TDY (she's also in the Air Force). She instantly got a divorce before she deployed. 

Now, 3 months later, they have reconciled and she wants to marry him... again. Now I'm not saying that they shouldnt of gotten a divorce, but I am saying that they shouldnt of acted on emotions and divorced so quickly, if they're only coming back together 3 months later. 

I've seen this with a lot of my friends, and especially DH's friends. They get all in a tizzy and divorce and dont even realize what they're doing. Many of them end up regretting it, but what's done is done. I just think its stupid, and that they should of really thought about divorce before they ran out and did it. 

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Re: My UO

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    I agree.. Not that I've been through that but if I was cheated on I think I would try to work it out, if DH really wanted to be with me and was actually sorry, for the sake of DS.

    But than again I feel I would want to just leave his a$$. But I'm more than positive I'm not one of those people that would go back to the guy. IMO.

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    So if a dude was effing around behind my back, you better believe I'd be quick to leave him. But I wouldn't look back.
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    I've been divorced and it was a long, painful and expensive process.  I will never make that mistake again.
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    I understand what you're getting at but I think you're trying to solve a symptom of the problem rather than the actual problem.  Forcing people stay married or making them feel like they can't get out of it b/c the process is too long or too expensive would make things worse. 

    Part of the problem is that people aren't emotionally mature enough to get married.  It doesn't necessarily matter how old you are, although I would argue that emotional maturity comes with age and experience, but do you know how to solve problems together, accept people as they are, expect that things will change and roll with it?

    I think if we spent more time preparing our kids for real life, the better decisions they would make as adults.  I'm not saying no one would get divorced but I think it would be much less.  The problem is that some parents aren't emotionally mature enough themselves to know what to teach their kids.

    And I'm in no way saying that I'm Miss emotionally mature - but there are people in my life who are and I notice the difference between the way they deal with issues and the way I do.

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     It's easy to say, but because every divorce/marriage is different, you can't just make general statements like that.

    If you knew the entire god-awful situation I was in with my ex-husband, you would not say that divorce should be long and painful.  He put me through enough during the marriage. There's no reason I should've been forced to endure a lengthy divorce.

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    imagekatesmom73:

    I understand what you're getting at but I think you're trying to solve a symptom of the problem rather than the actual problem.  Forcing people stay married or making them feel like they can't get out of it b/c the process is too long or too expensive would make things worse. 

    Part of the problem is that people aren't emotionally mature enough to get married.  It doesn't necessarily matter how old you are, although I would argue that emotional maturity comes with age and experience, but do you know how to solve problems together, accept people as they are, expect that things will change and roll with it?

    I think if we spent more time preparing our kids for real life, the better decisions they would make as adults.  I'm not saying no one would get divorced but I think it would be much less.  The problem is that some parents aren't emotionally mature enough themselves to know what to teach their kids.

    And I'm in no way saying that I'm Miss emotionally mature - but there are people in my life who are and I notice the difference between the way they deal with issues and the way I do.

    I was 18.  I'm not saying it's anyone's fault but my own, but not one person told me getting married that young might be a bad idea.  I didn't just go out and get married willy nilly, this wedding was planned.  After a year or so I realized that his aspirations to be a musician or a film writer weren't all that cool anymore when I had to work 65 hours a week to support his "freelance" (ie unpaid) lifestyle.  I grew up and wanted a family and he wanted to move all around the world.  Someone should have locked me up for wanting to get married so young.  

    Also, no offense to anyone who might be happily married at 18, this is just how it worked out for me.  

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    hmmm...I think you may be looking at this from only one angle.   For some, the process is long and painful, especially when one spouse does not agree to terms/custody, etc.  

    eta: my sister left an abusive marriage.  The divorce was long, drawn out, and painful.   I don't care what the reason is people are divorcing, but I will never say that the process should be long........   When people get marriages annulled (sp?) - that has a lot of paper work......

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    People should marry because they want to be married. Extraneous circumstances to make it harder is just wrong.
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    I agree.  The words "for better or for worse" aren't there just to fill up space.  People forget too that they actually need to work at marriage.  It's not easy and fun and all lovey-dovey all the time.  Sometimes your SO pisses you off.  That's okay though, it's how you deal with it and get over it.  Divorce shouldn't be the first way to do it.
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    My ex-husband had a 6 month long affair with a co-worker.  He confessed to me which I appreciated.  I was actually willing to seek couples therapy but he couldn't decide whether he wanted to stay with me or her.  Due to the fact that he couldn't decide, I decided to move on.  He stayed with her (until she dumped him) but while he was dating her, he decided to make our divorce process difficult- he "still wasn't sure" what he wanted and wouldn't let the divorce just go through.  We ended up having to be legally seperated for a year and then await a divorce.  It was long and emotional.  Nothing would have changed if I could've divorced him sooner. 

    Oh, and his family called me an "adulterous" because I started dating before we were actually divorced.  Way to twist the knife! 

    From my experience, I think someone should be able to leave a marriage if they choose to.  I shouldn't have had to wait that long, staying married to a man that didn't care about me- plus because I was the one who "wanted" the divorce, I ended up paying for everything.  Had I not, he wouldn't have gone along with it. 

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    imagePubStar09:
    So if a dude was effing around behind my back, you better believe I'd be quick to leave him. But I wouldn't look back.

     

    THIS!

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    imagekatesmom73:

    I understand what you're getting at but I think you're trying to solve a symptom of the problem rather than the actual problem.  Forcing people stay married or making them feel like they can't get out of it b/c the process is too long or too expensive would make things worse. 

    Part of the problem is that people aren't emotionally mature enough to get married.  It doesn't necessarily matter how old you are, although I would argue that emotional maturity comes with age and experience, but do you know how to solve problems together, accept people as they are, expect that things will change and roll with it?

    I think if we spent more time preparing our kids for real life, the better decisions they would make as adults.  I'm not saying no one would get divorced but I think it would be much less.  The problem is that some parents aren't emotionally mature enough themselves to know what to teach their kids.

    And I'm in no way saying that I'm Miss emotionally mature - but there are people in my life who are and I notice the difference between the way they deal with issues and the way I do.

     I agree. After thinking about it, I think that the whole marriage process should be a little more strenuous. But wouldnt it scare people to know that they cant just run out and get divorced if they just decide to?

    You know what, I agree with everything you said. I think if kids were more prepared and realized what they were getting themselves into, maybe there would be less divorce. I just see (more often in my friends, my age) that a lot of them forget that you're supposed to stick through it all, thick and thin. No one said that marriage is easy, and sometimes it sucks and you want to run away. You just have to realize that there was something there that made you marry this person, and no matter how upset that person may make you, it doesnt take away from the fact that its still in that person; you just have to find it. But some people choose not to, and some are hurt beyond the point of trying to look. There is nothing wrong with that. Some things cannot be forgotten or forgiven, and I get that. But its the people who get mad cos for the last month he's stopped being chipper, and you're both exhausted. Just because he's a jerk and isnt sleeping much does not mean that you need to run out and divorce him. Why not try to find the cause of the exhaustion, or the anger. Hell, it may not even be your fault. I just think people get this whole thing in their heads and run with it and divorce. Its the easy way out. Life isnt easy, marriage sure as hell isnt easy but you married this person and you need to figure it out rationally, not based on quick emotions.

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    I think you are also discounting people that are in horrible circumstances, like being abused or deserted with children. I'm an attorney and I occassionally do divorces, usually the uncontested variety, which are the fast ones, and they do take it seriously but for many of them if it were expensive they wouldn't be able to do it and they would be stuck in a marriage that is unhealthy.  I agree with you that marriage should be taken more seriously, but divorce shouldn't always be difficult and expensive for some people getting a divorce is a matter of survival.
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    I have to say, for the most part, I agree. So I guess my UO is if straight people can go through all those shenanigans with marriage and hardly take it seriously, why can't same sex couples marry in any state they want?
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