Not sure how to handle this...
Lately G has been having control issues. Mostly centered around reading or the way that I say things.I *know* that this has to do with new baby sister and daddy coming and going. I want him to be able to cry and express his feelings. Obviously a year old isn't going to say "I'm sad because I have no control over the major issues in my life." But when his "excuses" for being upset are basically him being mad at me for making human mistakes, it just really sucks. I don't know how to handle it. I am beginning to think that just walking away and giving myself a time out is best. But I also don't want to abandon him...
Examples:
1. There is a book that we read where an old man is looking for his glasses. The book reads, "He looked here and here. And here and here." Each "here" has a little picture next to it.
two days ago when we read the book he wanted me to point to the pictures. Last night I pointed to the pictures again and he got so upset. So I re-read the page with no pointing. but two pages later he starts crying and telling me that I did it wrong and not to point next time. I tell him that I am sorry and I wont but he is still crying. Just keeps saying it over and over again. Eventually, I get really mad
2. I was talking to his Grammy on the phone yesterday. She asked what we were doing today. I said that I was picking DH up at the airport. Then she asked what Grey was going to be for Halloween. I told her. Grey only heard my side of the convo so he thought that I was saying DH was going to be a cowboy. Crying ensues. I explain that she asked what HE was going to be. but he insisted that I was wrong. I explain again. More crying, insisting. I get mad. Eventually I tell him that I need a time out and walk away. This back and forth could have gone on for an hour had I let it.
He also frequently has me re-read pages in books because he thinks I read them wrong.
Sorry, this is so long. How would you handle these situations?
Re: Not sure how to handle this...
I'm thinking it is a control thing for him. With the book what about asking him to read it to you? Or maybe have him read it to you then you read it to him?
With the phone thing I probably would have had to walk away too as sometimes there is no getting out of that circular mode without getting a little distance.
107 Read/listened to in 2011: 91 Books/16 Audiobooks
Read 2012: 33/50
We have those issues too. When Ryan "corrects" me when I do things out of routine or in ways that he wasn't expecting or has changed his mind about, I usually just tell him that I don't know what he's thinking. If he wants something that I do for him to be a certain way, he needs to tell me first and then we can discuss whether or not I can do it. If I don't want to do something his way, then he has the choice either to do it my way or do something else.
For the phone things or misunderstandings in general, I try to explain what happened, but not until the crying has stopped. When he's having a tantrum, he's not really able to process what I'm saying anyway. In the meantime, I just say I'm sorry he misunderstood and then hang out in silence hugging him or whatever works to calm him down in the moment.
Poor Grey, he's got a lot on his plate, but he'll get through it.
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Harmony Doula
First - you're not alone. Ryan is doing the exact same things...maybe it's just an age thing? I was thinking Ryan was doing it because I'm a horrible parent and he's learned it from me. (Not that I act that way - but you know what I mean ... it's easy to point the finger at ourselfs.)
And Second: Janet took the words out of my mouth: when Ryan acts that way when we're reading, I just ask him if he can read it to me or show me how he wants me to read it. If he continues to act up, I warn him that if he can't "listen nicely" then I'm not going to read to him anymore tonight. Which usually means he continues to be a pill and I have to get up and walk out the door...which then leads to screams and hollers. I come back and ask him if he's ready to be a good listener so I can read. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. If it doesn't work, I just kiss him good night and walk out. He can cry for a little while....and then we either talk about once he's calmed down or the next morning. e.g. "In order to have mommy read books, you can't cry and get mad at me. Do you remember why you were so frustrated with mommy reading your book to you last night? No? I was trying hard to understand what you wanted but you weren't using your words and getting mad at me....I just didn't know what you wanted. I can do it the way you want but you have to be nice(r) to me."
I personally think it's okay to get frustrated and tell them that we need a time out for ourselves. I put Ryan in time out when he needs a chance to re-group (whether I call it a time out or not is another thing). I also apologize to him when I have my 'non-proud mothering moments".
Hang in there - and if you find something that works - please share it. Lord knows that I need the help these days!
Thanks guys. I'm glad I am not the only one. I am so afraid that DH touring is going to "ruin" him...so there is a lot extra guilt there on my part.
Last night the crying started before I even started reading, because I put the book on the bed wrong...
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Also - Ryan is SOOOO much worse when he's really tired. He's had THE biggest fits on the nights where I'm pretty sure he's exhausted but says he's not. And then after a rip-roaring meltdown, he's asleep within like 30 seconds of hitting the pillow. Maybe start his bedtime routine earlier? Would that help (I'm grasping at straws...).
JLK does the same things and its so frustrating...
I really think though that you are overthinking the "why" he is doing it. I think it might just be an age thing versus being upset about whats going on in his life. I feel like sometimes you take too much on yourself and look so deeply into things you must get all tied up in knots inside.
I walk away from JLK sometimes when she is being like that...and I dont look at it like abandoning her...but rather teaching her that is she treats me badly I am going to take myself away. I want her to learn from my example that if somebody is yelling at her or not treating her right she can just take herself away...
I feel like its frustration over a general lack of being able to explain herself and feeling like I am not hearing her...thats ok...its ok to be frustrated with me but she has to learn to work with me and trust me.
br
This is us in a lot of ways with Sean. Also when he is really overtired it's useless for us to reason with him or try to talk him thru things.
HUGE hugs!!
I have no idea if it's age related but even if it is you guys have so much else going on that if it were me, I'd want to make sure he doesn't experience any more issues of being left. So even if he's upset and treating you badly, I think he needs to know that no matter what he does, you still love him and won't leave him.
I'd ask him outside of that tough situation what he needs from you and what would make it better for him. Does he want to read? Does he want to be in charge of that routine?