s/o If you've asked your families to "limit" gifts for your LO

GuitaristsGirl

Whether it be for birthdays or Christmas. . .

What did you say?  How was it received? 

My inlaws go way overboard for everything -- they express love through money/gifts.  They have 2 older grandsons for whom the gifts are just ridiculous (as we've watched over the past several years).  We really really don't want that for DS.  (Even though they'll be together for holidays, so that could be weird - but the others are also 13 and 17, so not exactly close in age to DS.)  We want to focus on time together, shopping for our Angel Tree angels, etc.  Plus, when it comes to his birthdays, when our families are together and my family does not have the means nor inclination to do/ give/ spend like that - I picture that being awkward. 

We kind of tried to start dropping hints to the inlaws and it was not well received.  We tried to just be funny/ casual said something like, yes, a thing or two for DS would be nice, then if you really must do more, please just contribute to his college fund!  They were. . . mad.  That's the only way I can describe it.  Totally got an attitude and basically blew us off, as in "we're going to do what we want to do."  I don't know a way to approach it again without being point blank - do not buy more than x many/ $x of things.  But that seems stupid and drastic and overly controlling.  I'd just like them to respect our general ideals.  I'm not saying we handled it right, but I sure don't know what to do now!  Thoughts?   

madhatter2003

Bizarre.

My ILs (in England) just put money in our UK account. We'll occasionally buy something specific they tell us to and put 'from Granny', etc on it so that they don't have to pay shipping, etc. The rest of the money we use when we travel over there (once or twice a year) to pay for admissions, fun things, etc so that we don't have to take 'spending money' with us.

My parents actually set up the college fund for us and put money in that.....they know we have a SMALL house and plan to move soon, etc. They usually buy 1-2 gifts and then some clothes, and put the rest of the money in the fund.

Could you use one of those 'excuses' like lack of space, etc? Or steer them to stuff you need....new carseat, new strollers...big things?

chocolatechip06

Both sets of grandparents have already told us that they are not giving presents for DS for Christmas/birthday this year-they are putting $ in his college fund instead.

*Willis*

If your IL's got mad at that statement, I'm not sure there is anything you can do.  Maybe you can direct them towards bigger items, such as carseats, strollers, etc.

I think at the end of the day, you have to pick your battles.  Your IL's express love through stuff; it's what they like to do.  Maybe not your style, but not a bad thing.

You can focus on what's important to you through your family's traditions.

kimarino13

*Willis*:

If your IL's got mad at that statement, I'm not sure there is anything you can do.  Maybe you can direct them towards bigger items, such as carseats, strollers, etc.

I think at the end of the day, you have to pick your battles.  Your IL's express love through stuff; it's what they like to do.  Maybe not your style, but not a bad thing.

You can focus on what's important to you through your family's traditions.

Word.

MyColonyNJ

I have been trying for 16 years to get my family not to spend money on my kids.

I tell them all the time.  They basically do whatever they want.  Last year I LOST IT.  And they STILL ignored me.  In fact, most time (out of spite, I guess) they spend MORE than they would have.

I have even tried to give hints about small things.  LIke, Lil J LOVES stickers.  And what does he get?  $$$ worth of stickers, sticker books, make your own stickers, etc.

I said it as "hey, spend $2 and he will be happy".  I was the only one that had a kid for a long time.  Now that they have kids, I hope they do not expect me to be spending $$$ on their kids.  That is not how I roll.

GuitaristsGirl

kimarino13:

*Willis*:

If your IL's got mad at that statement, I'm not sure there is anything you can do.  Maybe you can direct them towards bigger items, such as carseats, strollers, etc.

I think at the end of the day, you have to pick your battles.  Your IL's express love through stuff; it's what they like to do.  Maybe not your style, but not a bad thing.

You can focus on what's important to you through your family's traditions.

Word.

Good point.  Although I think I'm concerned about more than whether or not lavish gift-giving is my "style" - it's more a concern about DS "expecting" it or having the wrong focus or whatever as he gets older.  I know it's up to us, as his parents, to teach him right - I think it would just be easier to not have to "fight" against their emphasis on materialism.  

On one hand, maybe I deal with that later - on the other, I see validity to setting the stage now.  Thanks for the perspective!

LisaMarisa

I dont think there is much you can do.  If they want to spend the money, then I would ask them for bigger things so it isnt 100 little things because toys take up a lot of space!  My ILs only have 2 grandkids and they have waited a long time for them so they spend a lot but they will put $$ into a CD if we would prefer (and we do), they just want to have at least one thing for the kids to open. 

Your LO will learn through you what is appropriate and he will understand that not everyone gets a zillion presents for every holiday.  Maybe you can prepare for holidays by having him choose toys that he doesnt play with anymore that he would like to donate to less fortunate kids.  That way, he will be learning that giving is as good as (if not better than) getting.

GypsyEsq

kimarino13:

*Willis*:

If your IL's got mad at that statement, I'm not sure there is anything you can do.  Maybe you can direct them towards bigger items, such as carseats, strollers, etc.

I think at the end of the day, you have to pick your battles.  Your IL's express love through stuff; it's what they like to do.  Maybe not your style, but not a bad thing.

You can focus on what's important to you through your family's traditions.

Word.

Nicely put.  And I agree with this. It may not be your style but it's clearly theirs.  In the end it's not worth holiday/birthday animosity.

futrkingsley

We have a tiny house and a desire to not have a zillion branded pieces of plastic in our house.  I made the very very very clear to my whole family.  And honestly it mostly worked.  DS gets clothes for gifts mostly, which for the most part are not branded (meaning Toy Story or Cars or the movie of the week). We've received a few out our comfort zone toys.  I gave him a chance to love them and then put them away.  Occassionally he'll spot one and ask for it to be brought out and I oblige but otherwise, I edit his toy selection and "hide" stuff I don't like.  I'm sort of rutheless like that.

I request things I really want him to have from my mom who has six grandkids and a desire to be fair to all of them.  She buys what I want him to have, period.  Or at least does at hte holidays! LOL.  I can't control her trips to Target with him and I've mostly stopped trying.

Here's the thing I want to point out.  At some point if you keep pushing it, your kid is going to get the short end the stick.  Mine did.  Relatives felt free to spend freely on DS' cousins (all 5 and under) and not on him.  So they got piles of new stuff (that their parents then didn't have to buy) and he didn't (and we had to then go shopping).  Instead perhaps work out an wish list with them or ask them to check with you on big purchases to make sure it works for your child.  Or ask for gift reciepts so you can exchange stuff.

Good luck!

choco_lab

LisaMarisa:

I dont think there is much you can do.  If they want to spend the money, then I would ask them for bigger things so it isnt 100 little things because toys take up a lot of space!  My ILs only have 2 grandkids and they have waited a long time for them so they spend a lot but they will put $$ into a CD if we would prefer (and we do), they just want to have at least one thing for the kids to open. 

Your LO will learn through you what is appropriate and he will understand that not everyone gets a zillion presents for every holiday.  Maybe you can prepare for holidays by having him choose toys that he doesnt play with anymore that he would like to donate to less fortunate kids.  That way, he will be learning that giving is as good as (if not better than) getting.

I agree with this.  Just know that this is your ILs style and work with it.. not againist it.  They aren't going to change if this is how they want to do things so try to work with them.  They get pleasure from buying things for others and probably enjoy watching the kids with the toys they get them. 

Are they open to you giving them some ideas?  Give them a list with some big ticket items and hope they will go with one of those instead of a bunch of little things.  And.. if he gets little things I love the idea of having him donate some of his toys so he'll be learning to GIVE as part of his Xmas tradition.

ela81

LisaMarisa:

I dont think there is much you can do.  If they want to spend the money, then I would ask them for bigger things so it isnt 100 little things because toys take up a lot of space!  My ILs only have 2 grandkids and they have waited a long time for them so they spend a lot but they will put $$ into a CD if we would prefer (and we do), they just want to have at least one thing for the kids to open. 

Your LO will learn through you what is appropriate and he will understand that not everyone gets a zillion presents for every holiday.  Maybe you can prepare for holidays by having him choose toys that he doesnt play with anymore that he would like to donate to less fortunate kids.  That way, he will be learning that giving is as good as (if not better than) getting.

This is exaclty what I was thinking!

 

talentedgirl

 I try to direct my IL's towards larger items that I know he will play with or needs, instead of the plastic crap they love to buy.  The bonus for me is that they 1000s of miles away, and once DS is distracted by another gift, I remove some the junk they send him and either toss it or donate it. By the time they visit again they have forgotten what they bought and don't even miss it.