Newbie - Major question before lawyer's office opens.
I apologize for not introducing myself sooner. I've been lurking forever here and have really come to appreciate everyone's opinions and information. I will be happy to explain my situation, but I'm freaking out a little this morning before the lawyer's office opens and am hoping maybe to get a bit of perspective from you lovely ladies prior to speaking with the lawyer.
Quick short story. DH has joint legal custody of his 2 children and BM is the custodial parent. DH lives out of state for job so is non custodial. We have CO in place.
Situation: BM has been hospitalized for 4+ days and DH just found out. The small children involved Under 7 yrs old both of them; have been in the care of BM's family.
My question is: While we don't want any information regarding BM's health etc, we do think that she should have made DH aware that the children were without either parent, and DH should have had the ability to take off work and take care of kids while she was incapacitated. She has been in contact with him via text to arrange his nightly calls at different phone numbers so it isn't like she is unable to communicate.
Are we wrong? Is there any reason we should NOT call the lawyer to ask about this?
Thanks for all your insight and advice.
Re: Newbie - Major question before lawyer's office opens.
MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter
"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
We don't know if she has had an accident or if she is in for some underlying medical issue, we have No idea. We had arranged a month or so ago to get the kids for Halloween weekend, so we assume to know more based on whether she shows up for drop off or sends a family member with the kids. The C/O just states he can pick one weekend a month as long as it isn't already designated as her weekend (like for a holiday) as long as he gives her 14 days notice. I don't see any wording about first right of refusal. He just gets typical holidays and summer 6wks, etc. plus these misc weekends whenever possible. I hope that information helps.
The only other thing I see is that if the kids spend more than 3 nights away from home (from her) she has to inform him of who is watching them and where they are.However the family members are going to BMs house so that is not a problem they are in their own surroundings.
Your H lives out of state. I don't think that offering the kids to him would be the immediate common sense solution.
Is there a reason that you're going to a lawyer before having some sort of "if this happens again, I would appreciate the opportunity to spend time with the kids" type conversation?
Without knowing the nature of her issues, it seems a little quick to jump on the offensive here... JMO.
But it's nice to see someone being proactive and involved.
Still waiting on a call back from lawyer.
The call to lawyer is just to find out if there is any "requirement" on her part to inform DH, etc. Not to file anything against her. Just to find out if we are totally off base thinking that DH should've been at the very least informed.
BM is a very difficult personality to deal with.If it is not written in stone she will not do what she is supposed to do regarding the kids and DH. She finds the gray everywhere possible.
When confronted via text when we finally discovered she was in the hospital, she simply responded that DH wasn't needed, "the kids were being cared for by the people that love them and are in their everyday lives".
Unless there's something explicit in the CO, I doubt there's any requirement on her part. DS spends the night with my parents all the time and I don't ever inform XH unless he needs to call them to talk to DS.
If you want to amend the CO to include a right of first refusal, then she would be required to offer the time to your H.
I think it's kind of a tough call. If I were somehow incapacitated and therefore incapable of making parenting decisions for DS, then I think that XH should be informed. But in that event, I'd be in no real shape to inform him. But if it's her normal parenting time and she's conscious and basically okay, I don't think she's under any obligation to inform your H.
It would be the nice thing to do to offer him the time, but if your H had the kids wouldn't they be missing school?
If DH had been informed and offered the time, he would've taken the school age child to school. DH has other family in the area ( to stay with and children could have visited with those family members at the same time)so it would not have been impossible. I guess it boils down to the fact that it would have been just THAT a "nice" thing not a "required" thing.
So is that the wording DH should discuss with the lawyer for future reference "Right of first refusal"? I'm not familiar with that term other than reading it here.
Yes, he wants right of first refusal. He can ask for the CO to be amended giving him the right of first refusal if the kids will not be her direct care for X number of days.
Do you think she knows that your H would have wanted the kids? If yes, and she just isn't playing nice, then definitely amend the CO.
FWIW, it's kind of a tricky area for custodial parents. I had to travel for business once, and I offered XH the time with DS. He kind of threw it back in my face later about how he'd done me this big favor. So I never asked again. So even though I'm sure your H is nicer than that, I think there can be a certain amount of reluctance to ask for help.
Sorry I didn't reply sooner, I was on my phone, 4AM nursing... lol.
Right of first refusal is if the parent with the children can't fullfil taking care of the children, the other parent gets the children over other people first.
I was hazy and sleepy, didn't read you were in a different state. That being said, I think it's a little much to expect BM to call your DH right away and say 'I'm in the hospital! Come get the kids!'. I dont' know your situation, so forgive for assumptions, but if it were me, I would have left my children with family actually living there. If your husband were to go to that state and stay with them or what not, wouldn't he be missing work? Just seems like a lot of unnecessary stuff. If your husband wants more time with his children can you move closer? In this case you are presenting here, I wouldn't have told your DH either. JMO
MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter
"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
I am new on the board and I have been on both sides of the fence. I have been a BM and a SM. If the children are safe, well taken care of, what is the real problem. If the kids are doing well. I would say... leave it along. Lots of damage can be done (to the children) if we get into splitting hairs. If way, they can be close to mom (I am sure they are worried about her), and their routine changed minimum. The kids.... let's think about the kids first.