Blended Families

VENT: Will if ever effing end?

I'm totally having one of those days that just a single look could make BM's head fall off. I'm so sick of dealing with the BS that she puts SD through. Yes, I realize that SD could be exaggerating some things and playing both sides of the fence, but there are also things that we actually witness BM doing that make us both cringe.  

Right now DH wants to steamroll BM for some crap she is pulling for the upcoming holidays.  What kills me is that as badly as I would love to see that  happen, it will only make the situation worse. She isn't thinking about her daughter. She is being a selfish jerk who is trying to keep SD from having a solid relationship with her dad.  DH is an amazing father and I can't imagine why her crazyass would want to interfere with that.

I found a website called comamas.com or something like that and part of me wants to buy the book and send it to BM.  Really I would love for her to see that she is NOT putting SD first when she badmouths us and keeps her from us. She puts so much pressure on SD the poor kid is so worried about pleasing her mom that she doesn't even get to be a kid.

So here is a question: Do you think that kids come to realize this craziness when they grow up? Is there any consolation for DH?

Re: VENT: Will if ever effing end?

  • What is she "pulling" for the holidays? Aren't they in the co?
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  • No, unfortunately they are not in the CO.  They did a no-fault divorce with no lawyers and decided everything themselves because both of them (dummies) thought that they could both be mature and cordial for the rest of their lives.  The only thing in the CO is the regular visitation schedule. Usually the holidays are a verbal agreement which for the most part, we haven't had any past issues with. Some discontent, but agreeable.
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  • get a lawyer and go back to court.

  • Go back to court and get a CO. It protects everyone's interests and helps prevent situations like these not only with the scheduling but also with the badmouthing of one parent in front of another. It can all be added to a CO.

     I'm a firm believer that kids do realise what's what about their parents someday. They also realise when one parent rolled over and never fought for them. You may need to scrimp and scrounge for the money but get a lawyer and get a CO.

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  • We had the same problem with BM, my DH had an open visitation agreement in the begining meaning that with reasonable notice she was to allow him to see his daughter.  Well once he started seeing me that went out the window everytime he would call to see her they were busy even if it was a month or more ahead of time.  He finally got sick of her excuses and took her back to court the nice thing about Wisconsin is you have to go through mediation first.  They were able to work out a visitation and holiday schedule in about 2 hours, and the cost was very reasonable.  Look into mediation in your state and see if that is an option, most mediators will look at what is being asked for an say flat out if it is reasonable or not and if they are likely to do better going to court.  We now have EOW and EO holiday with thanksgiving and christmas split between the two families.
  • Yes, most kids will recognize the craziness as they get older. When BM does things to prevent the SD from having a relationship with you and DH, it just pushes SD away from BM and towards DH. You have to be the grown ups and don't get caught up in BMs games or feel you have to do anything to counteract the manipulation. Just be loving parents to SD. The answer to your other question is that No, it will never end. It will get a whole lot better if you get a CO that outlines everything. After 2 frustrating years of poorly written COs, we created our own parenting plan (modeled after my nephews in a state where they always use parenting plans). It took another year go through pointless mediation and get a court date, but the judge pretty much copied and pasted it into the court order. We made sure it was as fair as it could be timewise, taking into account SS school schedule and it was obvious to the judge we had SS best interest in mind. It outlines almost every holiday, school break, even phone calls and the plan is set up to last until SS is 18 if necessary. It has been a lot less stressful since we've had the new CO in place. We can be flexible when we want to be, but BM is usually never cooperative, so we have the CO to fall back on and don't expect anything less or more. Google "example parenting plan."
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  • Thanks for the replies and info. I'll definitely look up a parenting plan.

    I honestly do hope that SD will realize how wonderful DH is.  We have already looked into mediation and it looks like we are going to have to move forward with it. I just really don't understand why she can't see how selfish she is being and that she is really hurting SD.

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  • Having been a SK, I (and my half sister - former SM's child) have realized what a nut she is...Kids aren't stupid and neither are adult SKs so I KNOW your SKs will see how it really is....esp if they realize the realism of reality of what's going on now...
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