Blended Families

Money

Hello...

So my h's exwife (bm to ss 12 yrs old), has recently asked for CS.  In 2007 they made a verbal (no CO, at all) agreement that DH doesn't have to give her CS anymore.  It was based on 50/50 custody and a huge equity pay out that she has since spent.  Well, now she apparently is broke and told my DH that she gets bread and rice from church...etc. She is great for trying to get people to feel sorry for her. 

Anyway, since it was a verbal agreement, there is nothing he can do, but start giving her money.  The amount she is asking for really isn't a lot ($300), but my only concern is that my DH just can't afford it.  He pays his ex gf CO childsupport and it is A LOT, so every month he runs out of money and pulls $ out of his savings account. I give him more than I already should to go for paying the mortgage and utilities, and I buy groceries and I just feel mean for telling him that I refuse to give any more $ to go towards things, beause really it indirectly will be going in her pocket. 

I guess I am just not sure what to do.  The bulk of his money goes towards the mortgage on the house, and it so high because of the re-fi he did to pay her out.  The circumstances behind that are odd too.  They waited 5 years after they split to pay out equity and it was when the market was at it's highest, so now he is 100K plus neg equity in the house. 

I don't even know why I am writing this, I guess to get reassurance that it is ok that I don't give him more $ to pay his exwife CS?  

 

Re: Money

  • I don't think I understand 'give him more money to pay her'. My husband and I are married. We both work, we both put money into our bank act, we pay our bills and buy what we need/want. He pays bm from this act, and I'm sure if you sat and broke it down maybe some of my money end up w her bc of pay periods... But its our money. I make more than him sometimes and he makes more than me sometimes (he owns his own business). Do you really split your bills 50/50?

    ETA: I didn't actually put  my point.. lol. My point was that my husband and I are a team. I married him knowing full well that he had a child that he had to pay child support for. If I lost my job, DH wouldn't be buying things and saying 'oh I don't know if I should give you more money so you can buy your face wash'. And if his business went under I wouldn't be asking him how he planned on coming up with his half of the mortgage. Your a team. That's my point. I just find your question really odd, and I can't realte in the slightest.

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  • I couldn't tell from your post, but are either of these CS payments CO or is he just paying it to avoid going to court? If none is CO, it is time to get that in place.
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  • You're married and you're questioning whether or not to give him your money to pay child support? I'm not even sure where to start with this.

    If the child support for SS is not CO and never has been then she needs to get it CO, however this may mean back support, depending on your state laws on CS. However if it has never been CO anything he gives her now is considered a gift not CS, if it was originally CO a verbal agreement between the 2 of them means absolutely nothing, because she can deny this. Always go for written agreements signed and notarized by both parties.

    What I am really trying to figure out is why is it your money and his money and not our money?  Sorry but these scenarios make the married couple sound more like roommates than a married couple.

    You married a man with kids, you went into this marriage knowing this, and this has become partly your responsibility, IMO. I mean its not just about you, its about you and him and these children that are involved. If the situation doesn't get dealt with properly it may cause a whole mess of problems for the kids, your h and you.

     

  • You need a CO for both children for CS because they will factor in that he has two and how much he pays for each. You should be able to find an online calculator to get an estimate (by State). CS for 2 is not usually twice what it is for 1, even if there are different mothers. I make a lot more mony than DH and for the past three years almost all of his income has been going to SS related things (CS, lawyer bills, travel costs) which means I have been paying all our household bills. I married him knowing this, we are a family and every penny we have been spending is for the benefit of my SS. I know that it can suck and money is a huge stressor in a lot of marriages, but just focus on how you can work as a team to get both of your finances on the right track for the benefit of the whole family. I recommend to everyone that they get a CO because no matter how great an arrangment may seem, it will most likely change.
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  • image mommydale:

    You're married and you're questioning whether or not to give him your money to pay child support? I'm not even sure where to start with this.

    If the child support for SS is not CO and never has been then she needs to get it CO, however this may mean back support, depending on your state laws on CS. However if it has never been CO anything he gives her now is considered a gift not CS, if it was originally CO a verbal agreement between the 2 of them means absolutely nothing, because she can deny this. Always go for written agreements signed and notarized by both parties.

    What I am really trying to figure out is why is it your money and his money and not our money?? Sorry but these scenarios make the married couple sound more like roommates than a married couple.

    You married a man with kids, you went into this marriage knowing this, and this has become partly your responsibility, IMO. I mean its not just about you, its about you and him and these children that are involved. If the situation doesn't get dealt with properly it may cause a whole mess of problems for the kids, your h and you.

    ?

    All of this. The only reason I had to work before Drew was born - and will need to go back after Adie is born - is to help "make up for" the CS that DH pays. I mean... this child is now YOUR child too. Why wouldn't you want to help provide?

    Get a CO, and figure it out.?

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  • It is stressful. Get a CO. The CS he currently pays will be considered. You are married and a team. Put your money together and start working toward making it better. It sounds like his divorce was the biggest financial hit (I understand) but it will get better with time.

    Get a CO. Budget toward your financial goals. Change your thinking to a family unit instead of his and mine. This will make marriage much easier. Things will get better and the costs from the divorce (refi) will be a distant memory one day.

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  • image InternetExplorer:

    I think with his track record and your previous misgivings about him you are best to keep your money seperate.   As late as 10/13 you were thinking of being done; has that changed?

     

    I think you don't need to give him any more money for  a custody issue he should have taken care of with a CO long ago.   His failure to plan does not create a financial burden on your part.

     

    The whole "my husband and I are a team" mentality is very young and sort of naive in a blended family context. 

    Women get hosed financially in divorce, don't let that happen to you. 

    I totally agree with IE.  This is a mess, honestly if I were you I would be leaning more towards a permanent seperation of funds.

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  • image Phantomgirl:
    image InternetExplorer:

    I think with his track record and your previous misgivings about him you are best to keep your money seperate.   As late as 10/13 you were thinking of being done; has that changed?

     

    I think you don't need to give him any more money for  a custody issue he should have taken care of with a CO long ago.   His failure to plan does not create a financial burden on your part.

     

    The whole "my husband and I are a team" mentality is very young and sort of naive in a blended family context. 

    Women get hosed financially in divorce, don't let that happen to you. 

    I totally agree with IE.  This is a mess, honestly if I were you I would be leaning more towards a permanent seperation of funds.

    Also agree and FWIW, I also have my $$ separate from my DH.  WE each have a separate account and 1 joint account that I pay the rent with.  We each pay our own bills and things are separate.  I was completely financially devistated after my divorce and I can't intermingle money without huge panic attacks.  My H recogizes this and this was how his parents worked their money and they have been married for over 40 years.

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  • image InternetExplorer:

    The whole "my husband and I are a team" mentality is very young and sort of naive in a blended family context. 

    I have not seen the OPers previous posts so my answer was only on the current post. But I think a H and a W need to be a team and it is important for marriage. If you mix your money or not you should be on the same financial goals for the family. My H isn't my roommate he is my partner. The BF only makes it more important that we are a team.

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  • image InternetExplorer:

    I think with his track record and your previous misgivings about him you are best to keep your money seperate.   As late as 10/13 you were thinking of being done; has that changed?

     

    I think you don't need to give him any more money for  a custody issue he should have taken care of with a CO long ago.   His failure to plan does not create a financial burden on your part.

     

    The whole "my husband and I are a team" mentality is very young and sort of naive in a blended family context. 

    Women get hosed financially in divorce, don't let that happen to you. 

    Awesome to be presented w all the facts. Op- just went and read your mess. Disregard my previous post. Separate your money until you figure our your life. You can't post something like this and not give important facts such as these... Sheesh
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  • image Phantomgirl:
    image InternetExplorer:

    I think with his track record and your previous misgivings about him you are best to keep your money seperate.   As late as 10/13 you were thinking of being done; has that changed?

     

    I think you don't need to give him any more money for  a custody issue he should have taken care of with a CO long ago.   His failure to plan does not create a financial burden on your part.

     

    The whole "my husband and I are a team" mentality is very young and sort of naive in a blended family context. 

    Women get hosed financially in divorce, don't let that happen to you. 

    I totally agree with IE.  This is a mess, honestly if I were you I would be leaning more towards a permanent seperation of funds.

    I will never fully merge our funds, there is no way that will ever happen. I married my husband, not his ex's and their financial issues.  I buy my ss kids clothes and whatever else they need, but I flat out refuse to fork over my hard earned money to provide for them at their mother's homes.  To some it might sound harsh... but I also have two of my own kids to worry about and one is in college and as of right now his bf doesn't help with any of the costs associated with that, so all around it is easier and better to keep finances seperate.

     

     

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  • image NikkiJ19:
    image InternetExplorer:

    The whole "my husband and I are a team" mentality is very young and sort of naive in a blended family context. 

    I have not seen the OPers previous posts so my answer was only on the current post. But I think a H and a W need to be a team and it is important for marriage. If you mix your money or not you should be on the same financial goals for the family. My H isn't my roommate he is my partner. The BF only makes it more important that we are a team.

     You can be a team without mixing money. Money is one of the highest factors for divorce and I think a couple needs to do what works best for them.  In my case if I would feel like my money that I earn is going towards his ex's household, that doesn't work for me, and vise verse.. so we wouldn't be much of a team if we fought about money (which we don't).

     

  • image karatechrissy:
    image InternetExplorer:

    I think with his track record and your previous misgivings about him you are best to keep your money seperate.   As late as 10/13 you were thinking of being done; has that changed?

     

    I think you don't need to give him any more money for  a custody issue he should have taken care of with a CO long ago.   His failure to plan does not create a financial burden on your part.

     

    The whole "my husband and I are a team" mentality is very young and sort of naive in a blended family context. 

    Women get hosed financially in divorce, don't let that happen to you. 

    Awesome to be presented w all the facts. Op- just went and read your mess. Disregard my previous post. Separate your money until you figure our your life. You can't post something like this and not give important facts such as these... Sheesh

    The post wasn't really about merging finances, it was more so if I should contribute more $ towards the household to free up money with my husband so he can pay his ex wife childsupport, so I didn't feel the two things were directly related, which is why I didn't get into all of that in this post.

     

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  • I went and read your previous posts, and I think you just need to decide if you're in or out.

    If you're in, then I think you should contribute whatever money it takes. If he owes her support, he owes her support. And if she's living on church handouts, she (and the kid) need the money. So if he redirects income towards her and less to put in household expenses, and you don't pick up the difference... don't all of you lose?

    If you're out, then start separating things. 

    But I don't think you can be IN the relationship and put in anything less than 100%--whether that's emotional, financial, or physical support.

    And given what you've posted, I would be out the door. You're already in counseling and then the betrayal. He acts like a man that doesn't know his own mind... 

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  • If you guys agreed that money would be kept separate and each of you would pay 50% then I dont think you should pony up anymore money. He needs to figure out his situation. Is there a chance for you guys to downgrade some things in order for him to afford everything? You mention that he is upside down on the house-are you paying something toward the house every month? If not, then I think it would only be fair to contribute there. I'm with some of the other posters on the whole DH and I are a team bit, but things work differently for different people. I hope your H gets his crap straight.
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  • Team, no team, leaving him, not leaving him, whatever else is going on, he needs a CO.  If the $300 is the amount of the CO, that's what he needs to pay.  If that CO was made without accounting for 50/50 placement, then it needs to be adjusted.
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  • image bebe11:

    Hello...

    So my h's exwife (bm to ss 12 yrs old), has recently asked for CS.  In 2007 they made a verbal (no CO, at all) agreement that DH doesn't have to give her CS anymore.  It was based on 50/50 custody and a huge equity pay out that she has since spent.  WTH? He should've taken some of that HUGE equity payout and get this in a CO. Well, now she apparently is broke and told my DH that she gets bread and rice from church...etc. Obviously. She was given money to spend and spend she did. She is great for trying to get people to feel sorry for her. 

    Anyway, since it was a verbal agreement, there is nothing he can do, but start giving her money.  The amount she is asking for really isn't a lot ($300), but my only concern is that my DH just can't afford it.  He pays his ex gf CO childsupport and it is A LOT, so every month he runs out of money and pulls $ out of his savings account. I give him more than I already should to go for paying the mortgage and utilities, and I buy groceries and I just feel mean for telling him that I refuse to give any more $ to go towards things, beause really it indirectly will be going in her pocket.  Seriously? What happened to marriage being a joint partnership?

    I guess I am just not sure what to do.  The bulk of his money goes towards the mortgage on the house, and it so high because of the re-fi he did to pay her out.  The circumstances behind that are odd too.  They waited 5 years after they split to pay out equity and it was when the market was at it's highest, so now he is 100K plus neg equity in the house. 

    I don't even know why I am writing this, I guess to get reassurance that it is ok that I don't give him more $ to pay his exwife CS?  

    Honey, this is a train wreck. You're screwed if you do and screwed if you don't.

    Option 1 - You don't help out and he continues to fall behind, eventually depleting his savings. This equals living paycheck to paycheck. Scary!

    Option 2 - You do help out but feel the resentment of your money going to her and that fact that he isn't cutting because he made stupid choices regarding CS.

    Good luck.

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