Anyone else hear comments like this? — The Bump
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Anyone else hear comments like this?

Since DD was born it's become clear to me that FIL had very little to do with his 3 kids when they were little; he has almost no knowledge/understanding of child development.  Whe DD was really little he used to say that she was manipulating us with her cries and that we'd spoil her by holding her, etc.  I just brushed it off because he likes to think he's the authority on every topic under the sun and I ignore most of what he says.

Anyway, this weekend FIL came over to help DH with some plumbing stuff and played with DD for a bit.  She's at the point where she'll take several steps and then fall down and continue on crawling.  FIL kept borderline scolding her, saying, "no, that's cheating, you're chickening out," whenever she'd revert to crawling after trying walking.  OMG, she just started taking steps like 2 weeks ago, give her a break.  It's all a part of the learning process, and obviously she's not physically capable of full-time walking yet.

So, does anyone else have to deal with comments like this?  If so, do you say anything?

Re: Anyone else hear comments like this?

  • my daughter is just getting potty trained - yes she is late, but she has some delays. She didn't want to use the potty before we left to go somewhere, so my mom said "you have to go, if you pee your pants everyone will point at you and laugh because you stink"

    Now, I don't know any 3 year olds who get embarrassed, and I don't know how humiliating a kid will help them with potty training, and we never had the best relationship, so I can only guess it's because I grew up with comments like that.

     A lot of time I say to stop, or I just leave the room. I have left early without good byes because she has told my daughter she was "faking it" when she cried after hitting her head hard on the wall one time.

    You aren't going to be able to change them, but you can limit the time you spend with them.  My MIL is not much better though, she tells my daughter not to play with other little girls because they are mean (wtf that is about-I have no clue) so DH steps in and tells her to shut it.

    After a while I said the comments had to stop or else we weren't going to allow visits.

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  • Not personally, no. We have a very limited relationship w/MIL and there is no FIL.  I just wanted to say though that would really bug me. I would probably be tempted to say something back.
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  • Ugh...FIL sounds like a major PITA from your stories....so sorry!

    I have had some experience with those types of comments.  I won't say who but it does suck.  With DH's family, I just have him confront them about it.  Not that I can't do it on my own, but it just opens a whole 'nother thing if I do it, vs. DH doing it.  I also have taken to not responding at all and just plain ignoring the comment as if not, what would come out of my mouth just wouldn't be so nice.

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  • My FIL is basically the same way. I've always had to bite my tongue. If I say something, I know it'll cause a riff between DH and I. When FIL gets overbearing, I always find an excuse to take Dillon out of the room.

    I don't imagine he was very involved with DH and BIL until they were much older.

     

  • image nutmegger:

     he has almost no knowledge/understanding of child development.  Whe DD was really little he used to say that she was manipulating us with her cries and that we'd spoil her by holding her, etc.

     Yes- my FIL has made comments like this as well- also I got the "crying is good for their lungs," when both of my kids were under 2 months old.  I have also been told by my IL's that my children are "soooo attached to me."  I think they say that because I BF and I guess they want them to be attached to a bottle?  My IL's visited this weekend & I gently tried to educate them on how it's good for a baby to "attach" to his or her parents, because they need to make that emotional bond in infancy or it can have ill effects later in life.  

    Also I get about our older "I wonder if she remembers us," and about the baby "I think he's scared of me."  Um no, we may not have seen you for a month or 2, but my 2.5 yr old remembers you and why would the baby be scared unless you are yelling at him? 

    Oh and my MIL scolded my DD when she was like 5 months old- said, "NO no no no no!" 5 times- she was 5 months old and in her arms- it wasn't like she was sticking a fork in an electric socket.  

    Needless to say, we pass on their offers to babysit. 

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  • my dad says stuff like that - he's just ignorant.  When Ella started waking up 5x a night at 4 months old (right after I went back to work) he told me it was because she missed me.  At 2 weeks old, he wanted to know what her feeding schedule was and was shocked when I said it was whenever she wanted.  About 2 weeks ago, he asked me if she was potty trained yet and snorted when I said no.  Ummmm - duude, she's not even 2 yet.  His ideas of child development are just off and ignore about 90% of what he says anyway. 

    My mom is better and remembers things more realisitcally, but she still does stuff that annoys me.  A few weeks ago, Ella wouldn't come give her a hug and instead of just shrugging it off and ignorming it, she made this big production of fake crying and being sad.  I said something about how confusing that was for Ella and then she stopped.  But, then did it again a week or two again and I didn't even let her start - I just told her immediately she shouldn't do that around Ella - it was manipulative and confusing.  Hey - if the girl doesn't want to hug you on your schedule she's allowed to not hug you. 

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  • My ILs do the same thing with the "he doesn't remember us."  And then talking to DS "you don't even know who we are, do you?  If only your parents brought you to visit us more, etc"  Oh well!  :P

    And my mom always says "well, he only wants you because you are BFing him."  Wow, thanks mom.

    My DH lately has been telling me that I'm "giving in" to DS when he is getting frustrated with crawling.  Sorry, but I'm not letting him lay on the floor and cry so that he learns to crawl. 

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  • image KathrynMD:


    My mom is better and remembers things more realisitcally, but she still does stuff that annoys me.  A few weeks ago, Ella wouldn't come give her a hug and instead of just shrugging it off and ignorming it, she made this big production of fake crying and being sad.  I said something about how confusing that was for Ella and then she stopped.  But, then did it again a week or two again and I didn't even let her start - I just told her immediately she shouldn't do that around Ella - it was manipulative and confusing.  Hey - if the girl doesn't want to hug you on your schedule she's allowed to not hug you. 

    My mom does the same thing! and I remember my CRAZY grandmother doing it to me.  I told her to stop the first time, that I didn't need her teaching my daughter that crying to get what you want was OK, and that she didn't need to be exposed to such melodramatic hysterics. 

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  • image KathrynMD:
    My mom is better and remembers things more realisitcally, but she still does stuff that annoys me.  A few weeks ago, Ella wouldn't come give her a hug and instead of just shrugging it off and ignorming it, she made this big production of fake crying and being sad.  I said something about how confusing that was for Ella and then she stopped.  But, then did it again a week or two again and I didn't even let her start - I just told her immediately she shouldn't do that around Ella - it was manipulative and confusing.  Hey - if the girl doesn't want to hug you on your schedule she's allowed to not hug you. 

    I hate when adults do this - IL and mom did this for a while and they don't understand when you force this stuff and manipulate to get it, it makes it easier for child molesters to use manipulation and guilt to hurt children - not saying it will happen, but the more you force a child to do things they don't feel comfortable with, the more they think it's natural not to trust themselves.

    This is my huge pet peeve and now IL are better but they still ask like 10 times, and I am like "drop it already, she said no and you wouldn't ask an adult for something 10 times, no means no"

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  • image photo_nut:

    image KathrynMD:
    My mom is better and remembers things more realisitcally, but she still does stuff that annoys me.  A few weeks ago, Ella wouldn't come give her a hug and instead of just shrugging it off and ignorming it, she made this big production of fake crying and being sad.  I said something about how confusing that was for Ella and then she stopped.  But, then did it again a week or two again and I didn't even let her start - I just told her immediately she shouldn't do that around Ella - it was manipulative and confusing.  Hey - if the girl doesn't want to hug you on your schedule she's allowed to not hug you. 

    I hate when adults do this - IL and mom did this for a while and they don't understand when you force this stuff and manipulate to get it, it makes it easier for child molesters to use manipulation and guilt to hurt children - not saying it will happen, but the more you force a child to do things they don't feel comfortable with, the more they think it's natural not to trust themselves.

    This is my huge pet peeve and now IL are better but they still ask like 10 times, and I am like "drop it already, she said no and you wouldn't ask an adult for something 10 times, no means no"

    yeah - this is exactly my thought.  I want DD to be confident and assertive about her body and who she allows to be near her/touch her, etc.  She's allowed - even @ 22 months - to say she doesn't like/want X.  Doesn't want to hug or kiss grandma (or me or Daddy too).  Its her body and she controls it - period.  We tease and play, etc. but if she says no - that's that and the end of whatever. 

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  • I am so going to drop that theory/policy on my mom the next time she plays the "crying game" as I call it.
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