Blended Families
How should this have been handled?
H had his kids this weekend. At one point he was sitting on the couch and his 10 y/o D was sitting on his lap. She got up to go do something else. My 5 yo D crawled up into his lap then. H's 5yo S told her to get down because his sister was sitting there. SD comes back into the room and hears him saying this and sees my D sitting on her Dad's lap. She sits down on the couch and starts pouting and crying. H asks my D to get down please. She gets down and SD climbs back up and my D starts crying becuz she doesn't understand why she had to get down.
What would have been a better way to handle this?? A variation of this happens often here and I would like a good way to handle it rather than having at least one crying child.
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Re: How should this have been handled?
I agree w/ Erin.
It's never too early to learn about taking turns and sharing... even when it's a parent instead of a toy!
I agree. It's a perfect opportunity for all the kids to learn about sharing.
But on a side note. A 10 year old is WAY too old to be pouting and crying over loosing her spot on the lap......WAY TOO OLD. What DH should have said was that her behavior was unacceptable for her age and to take the pouting/crying up to her room. When she gets herself together she can come back down and join the rest of the family.
All she's doing is showing the younger ones that crying and pouting gets your way which can lead to an ugly situation. My 3 year old twins tried that ONCE with DH and not only were they both asked to get down (they were both fighting to get up), but they were both sent to sit on their beds and not come back into the room until the crying/fighting stopped. It hasn't happened again.
Agreed!
We always had the rule in our house growing up "Move your feet, lose your seat". So, even when it's a parent's lap, the rule still applies, if you got up and moved by your own choice, then someone else is welcome to sit in your spot.
I would also discuss sharing with the 10 year old. She should be taught that "taking" from a 5 year old is uncool. (i.e. taking dad's lap away from 5y.o.)
This too.
Every last bit of this.
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This.
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This is why I wanted other people's opinions. It bothered me when my D climbed in his lap and he asked her to get down. And then SD climbed right back up. She pouted and got her way. Part of me was upset and the other part thought that she only gets to see him EOW so she probably doesn't like to share him when she only has a little time to be with him. But, she had gotten up to do something else. It wasn't till she saw someone else sitting there and heard her brother say that it was her spot did she want to sit back down. So I said nothing.
This seems like such a silly little issue. But it is kind of a gateway to bigger issues. Should kids get special treatment or all be treated the same regardless of the amount of time spent living in this house? IDK....
ETA: Had it been two of my kids fighting for lap space....he'd have told them both to get down and no one could sit there until they knocked it off and learned to share. So he did treat her differently than he would have my kids.
This is your issue than. There needs to be fairness. All the kids need to play by the same rules and your H and yourself need to be on the same page. Yeah, it's a small thing now but as you stated it could definitely be a gateway into bigger issues.
The ten year old is having to share her father with someone elses child. Im sorry, but no child should be told to stop their crying and act their age because of such a huge and hard life change. The mother should have taken her child out of the room and gently explained to her that the ten year old misses her daddy and let's give them some time alone together. When a step mother enters a childs life, she needs to remember to respect that childs life before she was in it, and allow the child time to have her life the way it used to be sometimes (i.e., time alone with daddy)
I'm sorry, but a 10 yr old throwing a fit and pouting is too much, I don't care what the situation is. DS was 10 when SO and I started dating and even though he was having issues with the fact his dad was with DD9 and DS17 every day and he was not, he never once sat and cried about it. Instead they learned they all had to share SO and take turns. Yes, it is hard for them to learn but that is life and these are life lessons. If you do as you posted all you are teaching the Skids is that when they are in the house they are the only ones that matter and they get to do whatever they want while the others need to stand by and watch.
Um, where was there any reference that this was a new situation that needs "adjusting" to? The 10 year old pouting and crying is unacceptable behavior for that age.
And to address your high and mighty comment about stepmothers "respecting the child's life before she was in it"...my SD does not know life without me in it. I have been there since she was 17 months old.
At the same time, we don't need to be punishing the 5 year old, it's not her fault that her living situation is "better" than the 10 year old's. Also, let's note the age difference. The little girl is 5!! How is she suppossed to be "the bigger person" and understand "her place"? Really - that's crazy. I think the SD who is 5 YEARS OLDER, btw - is more developmentally ready to learn to share appropriately and mainly learn that whining and throwing fits won't get her anywhere in life. It won't get her anything from anyone outside of the house, so why do it at home? Let's not forget, OP clearly stated that the SD was done sitting on daddy's lap and went to do something else...then threw a fit when her brother alerted her that the little one climbed up. This is completely different that if the 5 year old demanded to sit herself there and started pushing the 10 year old off. Not the case - and I'm sure OP would not raise this question, if that was the case.
So, OP - I totally get where you're coming from and I think you should talk to your husband calmly about the fair treatment of ALL children involved.
Good question, I should have mentioned that he was sitting at the end of the couch with the laptop sitting on the armrest. He was doing something for work so he did need to have one free side to operate the computer.
And the reason I didn't say anything is because I didn't know what to say. Part of me understood the jealousy of not wanting to share her dad, part of me wanted to say oh knock it off. This isn't a "new" experience, we did just get married but have lived together for some time now. That's why I needed the help in figuring out how to deal with it.
Yeah, this is what I was getting at. I would talk to him if you have not already about treating all kids fairly based on their age, I cannot say to treat them the same b/c there is a big age difference. Your DD saw this as taking her turn and then was basically told, sorry MY DD wants a turn so get off. That likely was not his intention but it is now I would see it if I were your DD and unless he wants her to see him that way he needs to be more considerate.
For God Sake people, you cannot accept inappropriate or bad behavior from ANY child simply because they are a child from a split home. You WILL create a monster who goes thru life thinking they can do what they want, say what they want because of their childhood. ALL children should have to tow the line, get their act together and make good choices regardless of where their parents live.
So should orphans just run wild? Get a grip people and stop walking on egg shells around these kids. That's why this country and our schools are in the shape it's in, cause we just let kids act however and dont hold them accountable. The father should be spending quality time outside of the house with his DD since she's only there on weekends. And if he's doing that, who cares who's on his lap!