May 2011 Moms

Need helpful advice - arguing with DH *(vent)

I just need some advice from you ladies because no one else that I know is pregnant.  So I am 12 weeks and a couple days pregnant.  Before I was pregnant I use to cook dinner every night, be up for different stuff, etc. 

For the last 8 weeks, I have been arguing with my DH over everything.  Like dinner, what I feel like doing, etc.  I feel like I am the meanest pregnant woman and all I ever wanted out of life was to have a child with the man that I love and be happy. I  do not understand why I am so mean and just irritated about everything.  I feel like there has not been a week that has gone by that we have not argued and before I got pregnant, we never really argued about anything - occassional disagreements, but that was it.

 I love him so much, but he is not a very sensitive guy to begin with so I feel like he just does not get what I am going through completely and now he is really irritated with me.

Anyone have any good advice?

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Re: Need helpful advice - arguing with DH *(vent)

  • Talk to him about it.  Tell him you love him and you are sorry that you start fights with him.  If you can't talk to him about it, write him a letter. 
  • You both just need to accept that you're tired, pregnant, and moody. It will pass, and things will be okay. In the meantime maybe he could make dinner half the time to give you a break? But really it comes down to just being understanding and accepting. Growing a human is surprisingly exhausting!
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  • In the past 7 weeks I have literally started 1 load of laundry and loaded/unloaded the dishwasher maybe 4 times.  My DH has has to pick up all of the slack.  it is stressful for both of us and I know he has days when he is sick of it.  I also have days when I am at my wits end.  I find that we try to talk about how we are feeling openly.  I tell him how drained I feel and weak and also how badly I feel that I cannot do more.  He tells me about how frustrating it is to have a sick wife all the time and how helpless he feels in the situation.  We aren't always able to help one another feel better but somehow just getting it out and on the table helps.  Since I got pregnant DH and I have only had one small argument which was resolved in an hour and trust me there have been many tense and yucky days so I am glad we have been able to avoid taking our frustration out on each other .
  • and...give in sometimes.  Its not worth ruining your relationship over whats for dinner.  Just eat it and deal, or go out even if you don't feel like it.  Once your out maybe you will have fun / feel better. 

    DH has been forcing me out of the house to go to bible study every Wednesday since BFP and I do feel better once I am out and get my mind off of me and our pregnancy.

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  • When talking to my friends and priest about this type of situation they have all told me to be open. As open as possible with eachother. Our husbands feel a bit left out of the process at this stage. They can't quite grasp what is going on. Keeping them always in the loop, appreciating them for all they are helping with and now and then letting the world revolve around them every now and then in the pregnancy is good.  

    You love eachother, this is an incredibly joyous time, enjoy it and eachother. Before you know it the baby will be here.

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  • Do something nice for him and tell him how you feel. My H has been wonderul and doing more than his fair share around the house. He mentioned he was "overwhelmed" with things to do last weekend and I happened to be feeling particularly crappy (my pregnant mind translated "overwhelmed" into "you're being lazy" which he never implied) so I started crying. I don't often get emotional so this made him feel even worse.

     I'm taking him to dinner tonight - I told him to pick anywhere he wants to go - to thank him for being so wonderful right now. That's really all he needed to feel appreciated - he woke up in a great mood and has called a few times from work. Sometimes just a small gesture to let them know you appreciate them does the trick.

  • My DH was unsympathetic to my pregnancy.  He's one of those people who thinks people make up depression and he believes no one should need depression meds, etc.  Anyway...I just told him how he made me feel.  I tried several times to get him to read guy baby books or read baby websites.

    I guess it was rough but I knew I'd be fine once I had the baby.  I was right.  DH didn't want to even feel my belly when DS moved...he claimed he wasn't interested. 

  • DH is 100% more understanding with this second pregnancy than he was with our first.  He wasn't necessarily lacking in sympathy then, but I think he 'gets it' a LOT more now.  It's extremely hard for them to relate to what you're going through, especially early on b/c there's nothing tangible for them to grasp onto.  Try to calmly communicate to him how you're feeling--however that might be--tired, hormonal, sick, etc.  And if you can, find snippets of articles online that explain those parts of early pregnancy and email them to him.  DH would never read a whole book, but if I sent him a paragraph or two, he'd read those.  I hope things get better for you.
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  • On top of all of the good advice that has been offered, you might both need to consider your underlying feelings about this pregnancy.  DH and I planned our pregnancy for over a year, but when it finally happened it was still overwhelming.  He assumed that pregnancy = no sex for the next year.  This caused him to pull away from me emotionally. 

    I'm not saying that your man feels the same way that mine does, but maybe there is something bothering him that he hasn't felt comfortable expressing.  It's hard to get guys to talk about thier feelings, but maybe in time he'll open up about his fears associated with becoming a daddy.  Good luck, I'm sure it'll get better for both of you soon.

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