This is reasonable, right?

karatechrissy

I'm a board wh0re today, sorry. I'll try to be short.

Our custody agreement is BM gets SS Mon/Tue/Wed We get him Thurs/Fri/Sat and we alternate Sundays.

BM texted DH this evening and asked if he would switch next Thursday with her, so we would take him Wednesday, she would get him Thursday and then regular schedule. She has Halloween stuff she wants to do with him she says. That week is her Sunday, so she would have him Halloween as well. DH asked instead if we could just have Sunday because Wednesdays are his crazy days, and we would like to do Halloween stuff as well, and if she is doing it Thursday, he would love to have him Sunday. On Wednesday's DH doesn't get home till almost 11. So really, if he took him Wednesday, SS would be just hanging out with me and baby. Which is fine, I don't mind that at all, but it's one less day that DH gets to hang with him.

BM told DH he was being 'difficult'.

I look at it like this, she is getting him so she can spend time with him and enjoy something, DH just wants the same. Really, he would be losing time if he trades Thursday for Wednesday, not to mention he would pick him up one day, he goes back the next, we pick him back up and he spends 2 days with us, then back with BM. So in a 5 day period he changes hands 4 times. That's annoying, not to mention sucky on gas for both parties. If we switched Sunday instead of Wednesday, she would keep him tilll Friday and we would get 3 days with him, which is what we would get that week if we hadn't switched anything.

Is DH being unreasonable? I don't think so, but again I'm in the situation so I'm biased. I just want to make sure we're being fair. And her proposal (IMO) Isn't fair. We don't mind giving her the time, that's not an issue, DH just wants to be making sure he is being flexible and also getting to spend time with SS as well.

hereonceagain

I say it's too much to expect her to give up halloween night.  I would be devestated if I didn't have my child on halloween.  It's a huge thing we look forward to.  And I understand dad equally looks forward to it, however, I think it appears you guys are trying to get something out of her request considering halloween is her day... and it's not an equal trade IMO.  I'd take that as you punishing me for asking for the switch.  Hope I don't offend...just being objective here.

jenniann87

I have to agree with you that it would be a reasonable trade for you guys to get him on Sunday for Halloween since she is asking for him on Thursday to do Halloween things. I might be being biased here because we have an ideal situation where my BF and BM get along pretty well and eventhough they have shared custody where my BF gets his son every Wednesday and Sunday and every other weekend, if we have something that we want to do with him or vice versa, they are able to work it out. But I do think that your request to get to do Halloween with him is reasonable.

karatechrissy

Thank you for the objective opinion, but just an FYI she hasn't had SS for Halloween since he was 1. He has never been with her on Halloween to go trick-or-treating, and every year we offer to give her a couple of hours/have her come with us, and she always declines. That's why DH thought it would be even, since she has not expressed a want to do anything Halloween related with him in years past.

mommydale

Considering she wants him to do Halloween stuff Thrusday, then you're DH is not being unreasonable IMO.  I mean there isn't going to really be alot of big stuff going on on Halloween this year, it is a Sunday.  So I think he is completely ok in asking for it, esp since he's not going to get to spend time with him if you get him Wednesday.

Littlejen22

I see where you are coming from in your reasoning but it sounds like since it is her day this year she wants to take it.  From her side she sees your DH trying to trade a middle of the week day for a fun holiday, I see why she thinks he is being difficult...sort of like the BMs that we read about when the Dad wants 1/2 day to go to a family picnic and they want him to give up the entire next weekend.  I am not saying you are trying to be difficult, I know you are not, but from her mind it is unreasonable.

Phantomgirl

I would need to know what doing ?Halloween stuff? means.  If it is celebrating it in some style then what eve's about Sun BUT if it is shopping for a costume for sun then your DH is being difficult.

You can't just accept that this is her year for Halloween and trade the day???

 

JThomas221

I agree with Phantom that if she is shopping on Thurs. for a costume for Sunday, it's unreasonable to ask her to switch. If she is actually celebrating Halloween on Thurs, then I think it is reasonable what your DH requested. DH and I have requested similar things for holidays in the past. We try to work something out with BM so that both families have a chance to celebrate each holiday with SKids, even if we're not actually celebrating on the actual date of the holiday.

Ilumine

I have to say, just because she has not taken her opportunities for halloween the last few years, that does not take away from her right to have it this year.

So if I am getting this straight

1. you have SS this coming Sun (10/24)
2. BM get him M, T, & W (10/25, 10/26, & 10/27)
3. you get him back Thurs and have him till Sat (10/28, 10/29 and10/30), with him going back on Sunday (10/31)
4. BM wants to take him on Thurs (10/28)

So to me, since a week starts on a Sunday, (at least by my calendar), you SHOULD be keeping the switch during the week in question, not the next week. 

So if you want to be FAIR, why not ask to keep SS until Monday (10/25) night? 

karatechrissy

thank you all for your responses!

Ilumine - I agree that just because in years past she hasn't wanted to do Halloween with SS, it doesn't mean she doesn't ever get to. It was wrong for me to assume that she wouldn't care.

'Halloween stuff" is going to a pumpkin patch and going and doing trick-or-treating at their church. -I should have clarified. Not getting a costume or preparing for Halloween. SS has about 4 different costumes already lol.

DH doesn't care she wants to do these things at all. That's not the issue in case any of you were assuming that he's just trying to be difficult for the sake of being difficult.I like Ilumine's compromise of taking him an extra day (monday) to do the trade out, that way it's on the same week, and no one is getting shafted any time.

 I appreciate all your input. I know DH wants to at least see SS on halloween (as do I) so maybe she will just let us stop by and say hi for 20 minutes or so and go to a few houses.

Thank you! This is why I posted here, because I know I'm in the situation, so of course I would think that we were suggesting something reasonable. I needed outside input. Thanks!

aschleser

It stinks, of course - but my DH and the BM switch like this occasionally for work schedules, alternating who gets SD on holidays, etc.  We have every other week - and have her from Sunday night to the FOLLOWING Wednesday evening- thats an extra few days from her mom - BUT I am sure at some point its been the other way around.  It'll all even out in the end.  It's not worth getting into a big stink about.  See if there is an in town trick or treating or nearby event on Saturday you all can do together.  That way you all get to do some halloween type stuff with SS, too.  Sometimes you just have to bite your tongue, knowing that she will most likely return the favor.  If you make a stink, she may be less willing, or not willing at all, to switch with you at a later time.  Its a HUGE game of give and take!