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epphd
member
I am a runner, knitter, scientist, DE-IVF veteran, and stage III colon cancer survivor.
Mom just said she is not coming for Christmas or Sam's birthday.
epphd
member
Right now, I hate her.
I hate her stupid mental illness, I hate that she would rather be a martyr than be a grandmother. I hate that she manages to make everything about her ALL the time. I hate that she is ruining Christmas in OCTOBER. I hate that she tries to blame ME for the fact that she can't share the spotlight with anyone else. I hate that she is actively rejecting me and my child. I hate that she is going to bring this shitup for the next 20 years.
I hate her.
With that - back story: Sam was born 12/26. Dh's family lives 3000 miles away. Mine lives 1000 miles away. We have a small house and refused to choose who could and could not come for the holiday and birthday so we are renting a vacation home so everyone can come.
And everyone said yes, they wanted to come. As of September, my mom was signed on and telling everyone that she was going to Seattle for his birthday.
Today - she says she and my dad aren't coming. She said it's too stressful with DH's family and that she feels like DH and I don't try to integrate my parents enough into his family activities. (note: she actively isolates herself when they are around. She *literally* hid in her room at my shower for three hour while my dad, SIL and BIL and DH had dinner. She didn't come out until SIL and BIL left to return to their hotel). She said it's her, not me - al the while blaming me for god only knows what (eyeroll eyeroll eyeroll).
I told her that she needed to get over and that this was not about her - it was about Sam. I told her I don't accept it. I told her that she needs to reconsider.
I can't even describe how flucking upset I am. She has been 100% fine and awesome since Sam was born and now this? OH - and gosh, coincidence...she went off one of her meds recently. Big effing surprise. She's back on now, but clearly has slipped.
And by the way, this came out of NOWHERE. We have not had an argument, nothing - just out of the blue today when I said we were narrowing down rental houses. I wonder when she would have told me had we just made a decision and put a deposit down. This reminds me of the time I flew from NYC (where I lived) to visit her in Cali and the cat I was to take back with me, she decided to keep. She didn't tell me until I was packing. She kept it. My cat. Didn't tell me the entire week I was there.
No point in this - I'm just really hurt.
I am a runner, knitter, scientist, DE-IVF veteran, and stage III colon cancer survivor.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Mom just said she is not coming for Christmas or Sam's birthday.
I am sorry you are dealing with this, E.
There isnt much advice i can give you, but you are not alone in hating family. DH's fam has already ruined xmas and am banking on batism, birthdays,etc... It sux how others actions can put such a black cloud over this special time. (((hugs))))
I am sorry your Mom is being an ass. That really sucks.
Maybe she'll come to her senses and realize that the holidays are about SAM, not her. I hope for your sake that she does.
(((Hugs)))
I am SO SO sorry! While the underlying issues are different, unfortunately I can relate to the issue. I had to BEG and BEG my parents to come out her for this little one's birth. I've always joked that they only come out here for my graduations (which I'm never having again) and births (which I won't be having after this). Fortunately, they finally caved. They have their own fun stuff to do out there, and flying out just to see me and my family, esp. for a holiday, just doesn't happen. Either I have to fly out there -- which I love doing in the summer but not at the holidays -- or I don't see them. This will probably be the last holiday (of any holiday) they spend on the East Coast, and I had to BEG for them to come meet their 2nd (and possibly last) grandchild. If I lived on a well-known golf course and invited 10 of their closest friends too, then they may reconsider.
And my mom also makes decisions without telling me, and then blurts it out angrily when she finally does.
On the other hand, I have to tactfully fight off DH's parents from coming down here (from NY) and staying. I know his mom thinks I'm a b!tch since I don't just randomly invite her to visit. And then we also have the personality differences where my mom lays it all out there and doesn't care a lick about others' feelings, and meanwhile DH's mom never tells us what the heck is going on in her head even after the fact. She's a complete mystery to me. I tell DH that there *has* to be a happy medium both with visits and with open communication! Unfortunately we deal with two extremes.
Anyway, I totally understand that our scenarios are different. But I do very much feel for your struggle to have family visit, and I'm very sorry. And our mutual love of holiday birthday babies makes it a double whammy.
I hope you're able to make peace with it, but I agree that it shouldn't have to be a one-way street. 
Our Thanksgiving Day baby 11/22/07
Pregnant with #2 with LPD, uterine polyp/hysteroscopy, DOR (AMH = 0.17), 2 c/ps
Our early Christmas present 12/9/10
I am so sorry. Mental illness sucks. Having a mother with mental illness makes life hell. And one who doesn't take her meds....that is a special kind of hell.
I have no advice, we are dealing with similar issues (my mom claims she never sees 'HER' twins, but she is the one causing drama and canceling plans every.single.weekend). I am not expecting the holidays to be any easier.
I do agree with pp that not having her there might make life easier. As terrible as it sounds....
I am so sorry.
When Jack was 5 weeks old - DH's parents called on Christmas Eve morning to let us know they weren't coming to visit due to bad weather (would have been driving across the state.) Didn't offer to come the next day or heck, even the NEXT day - just - not coming. It was Christmas, they hadn't met him yet, our first child, and we had no other plans beyond hosting them for X-mas. I went out and got "Christmas in a bag" at Boston Market and we warmed it up and ate it, by ourselves, Christmas Day.
The next year we traveled there and DH's brother screamed at him in fury and threatened to punch him because DH suggested moving X-mas dinner up by an hour..
Relatives can really suck. Do NOT let this ruin anything. Sam won't know who's there and who isn't. And you can celebrate a beautiful 1st Christmas and 1st birthday together with DH and happy family members who want to be with you.
(((( HUGS ))))
"When it comes to sleeping, whatever your baby does is normal. If one thing has damaged parents enjoyment of their babies, it's rigid expectations about how and when the baby should sleep." ~ James McKenna, Ph.D., Mother Baby Behavioral Sleep Center, University of Notre Dame
I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I know how frustrating a narcissistic mother can be (where she can only view the world through the lens of how it affects her and whether it makes her happy). I also have a narcissitic MIL who refuses to integrate with my family and wants to do separate holidays eventhough there is only one of her (and only 3 on my side). Anytime you want to chat, I'm here to listen.
Do what you need to do to keep you and your little family happy. This is Sam's first Christmas and first birthday and you'll be happiest focusing on that and making the best memories you can for you and your DH (and Sam, if he develops an amazing ability to remember his 1st Christmas and birthday!
).
(((HUGS)))
(Meanwhile I've still got my head in the sand about how difficult this Christmas is going to be.)
I'm so sorry. My mom has some of the tendencies that you described and has caused me to walk on eggshells countless times and really impacted our relationship.
It's so difficult when that is supposed to be the person who puts everything aside for their children and they so clearly don't. I hope whatever happens you can enjoy Sam's first Christmas and Birthday-- it should be an amazing time!!
Oh man, I am really sorry to read this. It's reminiscent of my MIL - she may be an alcoholic but she's no walk in the park when she's sober either. Cancels on us all the time yet thinks we spend too much time w/ everybody else. That's just the tip of the iceberg of her BS. Whatever.
What is her mental illness?
I'm glad for you that she pulled this in October so you'll have time to get used to the idea before the actual occasions roll around. I hope you'll truly enjoy yourselves this holiday/birthday season!
LO #1 - 1 unmedicated/self-monitored IUI w/ donor sperm.
LO #2 - 1 m/c, 2 BFNs, 4th IUI worked (unmedicated/self-monitored with new donor sperm).
Life is beautiful!
I have no great advice to share but I wanted you to know that thinking about you and that I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.
This exactly! And (((HUGS))).
By the way, I love your pic of Sam with the pumpkin - SO cute!!
SS, for years it was major depression, now it is "soft" bipolar or Bipolar type II. Like you with your MIL, I've long suspected BPD. She just fits it perfectly.
I am a runner, knitter, scientist, DE-IVF veteran, and stage III colon cancer survivor.
first... HUGS. This sucks ass.
second, we had a similar type of incident with Anna's baptism with my aging, awkward, and increasingly socially incompetent parents. Everyone reassured me that the situation was horrible and that they felt terrible for me... but in the end, said that perhaps I wouldn't want them there if they didn't want to be there...
Of course, the point is that you want them to want to be there. That is why I was mad. But that was also the thing I couldn't fix. So if they didn't want to be there, then the days of celebration would be definitely missing something, but perhaps ultimately better if they weren't there. At least that's how we ended up coping with the drama.
I'm just so sorry you're dealing with this. and you have EVERY right to be upset and angry.
Because we're fancy like that.
Ugh, what a terrible situtation.
I know in your head you know that she's ill and cannot help her behavior (well, I guess she can by taking her damn meds!), but in your heart you just want her to be a normal mom and grandma. And you deserve that, and so does Sam!
Hopefully she is just having a bad week and will change her mind.
Bless your heart. I know it must be so hard to live with that all the time.
I'm so sorry. I know what you're going through. My mom is a diagnosed depressive, but I think she's actually bipolar. She will be fine for a while, then her meds will have to be changed and she turns into a completely different person. My mom lives 40 minutes away and hasn't seen the kids in over a month. To be honest, it makes my life easier when she doesn't come.
That being said - you have to take care of you and your (immediate) family. You are doing the best job you can to accommodate as many people as possible for Sam's b-day and the holidays. That's about all you can do. When my kids were born I decided I wasn't going to exclude my mom from anything, but my family had to come first and if she could work herself into our plans (if we had made the plans and not my parents), then that would be fine. I know that for me, having a mom who was so volatile made life so hard growing up and into adulthood. We had to be on eggshells all the time and make sure that she was happy so she wouldn't go off. But once I had my own family, I made them the priority and my mom now takes a backseat. Yes this does get in the way of my relationship with my dad, but very rarely.
Thinking of you and wishing you the best.
Thank you for this advice - it is the advice I gave myself in dealing with her - and it worked. It's more important yet harder to implement with Sam. I'm going to seek a therapist to talk about these issues because I am sure they will be with "us" for the long haul. She is using her status as grandmother and my desire for Sam to have a good relationship with her as a weapon, and that's not right.
Regarding my dad, since many people asked - I emailed him and haven't yet heard back. I will certainly let him know that we still very much want him to come, but I know he won't come without her. He is loyal to a fault, and will do what she wants to do, which sucks royally because he will lose out. I suppose this does make him an enabler - and I don't want to put him in the position of making a choice... but he also needs to know it IS his choice to make - not hers.
We will do all we can to have the most amazing holiday we can - but I would be lying if I said that I'll be able to put this aside entirely. This suuuuuucks. And - you know - I know she has an illness, but SHE sucks too. She gets some of the blame too, sick or not. Thanks for the e-hugs.
I am a runner, knitter, scientist, DE-IVF veteran, and stage III colon cancer survivor.
They arrived at 36 weeks after PTL and bedrest for 14 weeks.