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ECUGirl2004
member
Help with toddler separation anxiety (or mommy preference)?
ECUGirl2004
member
Sorry so long...
DS is going through a pretty strong mommy phase now and I'm not sure what to do about it. On the weekends, DH and I rotate mornings getting up with DS, so each of us gets to sleep-in one morning. When DH goes to get DS out of his room on the morning I sleep-in, DS FREAKS out. He starts screaming as loud as he can, saying "I want mommy!" over and over again. He'll run away from DH, and when DH finally gets ahold of him and carries him downstairs, he kicks DH, tries to hit him, tries to bite him, etc. It often takes 20+ minutes for him to calm down. After that, it's like he completely forgets that he wanted me and he's as happy as he can be.
The real problem now is that this also happens occasionally in the middle of the night. DS will wake up and DH will go in to check on him, and he throws a 20-30 minute tantrum because he wants me instead. One night last week, I went in there and DH got mad at me for intervening. Last night I didn't go in there, and DH was mad at me for who knows what reason (really just annoyed to deal with that at 3 am, I'm sure).
I really don't mind getting up to calm DS down in the middle of the night if he wants me. I have no idea why he's waking up needing me, but I kind of feel like I'd rather just go and comfort him instead of letting it turn into this ordeal. I really value sleep (what mom doesn't?) and I'm not sleeping while DS is screaming at DH, and then it takes me a good 30-45 mins to get back to sleep after he settles down. I wonder if I just went in there if he'd calm down faster and then we'd all get back to sleep faster.
So I guess I have a few questions... First, does this sound like another phase of separation anxiety, or something else (nightmares, maybe)? Second, what should I do when DH goes in there and DS freaks out? Do I need to just close the door, turn the monitor off and try not to worry about it? Or should I suggest to DH that when DS freaks out, let me go in there so that we can all get back to bed faster. And third, if I go in there after DH or if I just get up first, is that teaching DS that freaking out gets him what he wants? I'm leaning towards no, since it's in the middle of the night, and I just don't think he's trying to manipulate us... I think he's just tired and confused and he wants his mom, you know?
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Re: Help with toddler separation anxiety (or mommy preference)?
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Natalie is going through a pretty strong separation anxiety phase also. Plus she's become afraid of a lot of things (noises, the dark, unknown people/cars) etc. For us, Natalie's always wanted my help more with the night time routine (which is probably my fault) but we've finally worked with her to accept that DH puts her to bed 2-3 times a week so mommy can go running/work out or just sit! She does get thrown off when her routine changes -- I almost always get her up in the morning because DH has left for work but if she happens to wake up while he's here and he goes up to get her she gets upset that it's not me. Although she's gotten better about this. I've had DH go in a few times to calm her at night if she's woken up upset but it never goes well -- she cries and throws a fit for me to come up.
So I now pick and choose my battles with this one. If she wakes up at night and I know she's going to want me over DH, I just take care of it -- I too value getting back to bed quickly with the least disruptions. If she's throwing a fit because DH went in to help her get dressed in the morning and she wants me to do it, we talk with her about DH being able to help and that mommy is not doing it this time, etc. I feel llike these things she needs to work through more whereas night time wakings, being scared, etc. are things that I would rather just do for her if it's what she feels she needs. I think it has helped to insist that she let DH help with things that are not that big of a deal overall (i.e. pouring her milk!) so that she works through this stage.
Racey - that's a good point about getting him to let DH help with more neutral activities... the problem is that DH gets frustrated because I know "the rules" and he doesn't... you know, like I let DS try to spread the peanut butter on the bread with his own knife, etc. I think that I do so much of the day to day things with DS that I just know what he wants and DH doesn't know, and it frustrates him if DS throws a tantrum b/c he's doing it wrong (from Nate's perspective). I wonder if I just need to shut my mouth and leave the room and let them work those things out though.
Nlsanchez - Is Nic still in a crib? See, I worry that Nate will hurt himself if he's left in his room to CIO. I think he'd end up hanging from the door knob and hitting his head on the dresser or something. Or he'd start throwing everything off his bookcase and nightstand. :P I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who has had to get up with a toddler and go watch tv in the middle of the night though!
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Oh my gosh, I seriously didn't realize that this one wasn't just me. We had this very thing happen last night. I have no idea how to help but it looks like we are not alone. If DH ever goes in the middle of the night all chaos ensues. Ben gets so mad and screams and screams "momma momma momma!"
I always end up going in, but I was actually meaning to talk to DH tonight about how he would rather it be handled because we have never discussed it. I don't know if he is more upset about me coming in and taking over or if he would rather just deal with it because eventually he will give in but it takes a long time. I know it upsets him that Ben prefers me and throws such a horrendous fit for him but I come in and hold him and he is immediately quiet again.
OMG we have been stuck in this phase for seriously a year now! We are just now starting to make some headway. It does seem like something a lot of kids go through, and I don't know any way to make it go away other than to just pick your battles and wait it out.
As far as how we handle it when he throws a fit for me, I try to let DH handle it if it's practical. He's gotten better about seeing it through (he used to get more frustrated with Liam about it). DH gets Liam up most mornings, and a few mornings a week he will throw a fit of varying degrees asking for me (even though DH always gets him up). If it's a preschool morning, and he's really upset, I'll come down early b/c it ends up causing problems at drop off if I let him get too upset wanting me earlier in the morning.
During the night, Liam occasionally wakes up screaming for me. I think maybe he's had a bad dream where he couldn't find me, b/c he will scream and hit at DH if he tries to go in. In those cases, I do go in. It doesn't happen often, but he's instantly calm and ready to go back to sleep when I do go in. It's like he just needs to see me and know I'm really here or something. If this was happening every night, I'd probably be stricter, but it's only every once in a while, so it's just easier for me to handle. Like you said, when they wake up confused or scared or whatever, sometimes they just want mom.
Yeah, Nic is still in the crib. I see your concern about him hurting himself. Hopefully you guys will figure something out. and LOL about someone else's toddler watching TV at 2am.
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I could have written this post EXACTLY. We are dealing with the very same thing. Eli won't let DH do anything and if he tries to help in the middle of the night or get him up on the weekends he freaks out like that. When he does that, DH just leaves his room and comes back downstairs and I go up there. I'm not sure what the right thing to do is. It's frustrating for DH too, I think it hurts his feelings a little. But I don't know, I don't see middle of the night wakings as an opportunity to teach Eli a lesson so we just deal. DH just keeps trying and sometimes Eli will let him tuck him back in and calm him to sleep. I guess I just keep hoping that the more he tries the more likely Eli will learn to accept his help. That's all I've got.
We've also been working on DH doing more with him in the evenings too. I do pretty much everything for him (by choice, not that DH won't, it's just how it goes). So we've started trying to get DH more involved hoping Eli will learn to trust him more. He's fine if I'm gone, but if I'm home he doens't want DH to feed him or bathe him or put him to bed, etc. So DH has been helping me with those things lately and hopefully it will help both during waking hours and through the night. It's like they just need a crash course together or something.
Well, as much as it sucks that so many other moms are going through the same thing, at least I know that it must be pretty normal.
Mikey - I do most everything too (by choice too, I know what you mean). It's just the way things tend to go in our house.
I think if DH and I are both in a good mood this evening, I'll see if we can talk about making a few changes to see if it'll lead to an improvement. If so many of you guys are dealing with the same thing though, I'm guessing this is just a sucky phase that will pass as DS gets older.
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