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Adoption
New... Question about "preferential adopters"
Hi everyone,
My husband and I have been married a little over a year and we're looking to adopt. We're in the learning stages right now. We have been doing a lot of reading/researching and I came across the term "preferential adopters". I suppose we fall into this category. We do not have any biological children. We have never tried and have no intentions of trying to conceive.
I have read, however, that this may work against us in the adoption process. I have heard some agencies may refuse to work with a couple if they cannot prove that they are infertile and married couples who are infertile receive preferential treatment over fertile couples, homosexuals and singles. I am by no means saying any of this is true... I am just looking for some insight. I have read and heard so many contradicting things and there is little to no support locally for potential adoptive parents.
Does anyone here have any experience with this and can shed some light on how this might affect the process for us?
Thank you
This discussion has been closed.
Re: New... Question about "preferential adopters"
my husband and i probably fall into the same category as you. we are adopting because it was always in our hearts too. we were approved 2 months ago. nothing was ever mentioned that we are any different than other couples adopting.
We adopted from Russia and it had no bearing on our success of adopting. The Russian people we were in contact with could understand why we would adopt if we weren't infertile, and they were stumped what to tell the judge in court regarding our desire to adopt. But we worked it out, and while suprised, we really had no issues adopting.
I don't know about domestic though, but I have heard that some agencies do require proof of infertility. But there are agencies that will work with you as well.
You will most likely be asked why you want to adopt. You will also likely be asked whether you plan to have any bio children at any point, and how you will blend your family if you do.
FWIW, many agencies do not look favorably at people who want to adopt in order to "save" a child. It's all a matter of phasing.
Thank you for your responses.They were really helpful. We have always sort of had the idea that we would adopt internationally, but domestic adoption or fostering to adopt was never really something that was out of the question.
Thank you for the advice on phrasing our intentions. They were never to "save" a child. We're not super heroes and I can understand why this would sound suspect to an agency. Adoption has just always been what I have wanted. I remember begging my mother to become a foster parent when I was about 5 years old (she didn't). It is always what I figured I would do. Luckily for me, I found in my husband someone who wants the same thing. This is what feel natural to us. We have no deep-seated desire to create a child, but we want badly to raise, love and nurture a child.
If I'm being perfectly honest, I'm hesitant to pursue domestic adoption. I understand the demand for a "healthy white infant" is great and the need for find adoptive parents for children with special needs, whatever they may be, is even greater. I'm just afraid that being a preferential adopter, an agency will try to push us to adopt a child with needs that we don't want to take on at this time.
I don't believe we are prepared or really want to care for a child with a disability or a serious illness right now. I'm scared that being honest about something like this will hurt our chances to adopt and even worse, makes me a bad person, especially considering that we are considered preferential adopters. Our parents have health problems and we're both only childern. I don't think it would be in anyones best interest if we took on a child who had health issues. I also don't want to wait forever to adopt either.
How do you be honest about something like this without sounding like a selfish ahole? I mean, if we didn't decide to adopt and had a biological child with a disability, we would have no choice but to raise the child. It seems selfish to wait to adopt a seemingly healthy child when there are children with special needs that need homes now... Do you ever get over the guilt for wanting a healthy child?
Sorry this is so long. Thanks again for your replies!
Birthparents also have opinions on this -- but just as there are many agencies out there, there are lots of birthmothers out there. Ours specifically requested being shown only profiles of infertile couples. It was important to her that she felt like she was completing a family who couldn't otherwise have one...in her words "turning her bad situation into something wonderful." Other birthmoms won't have that preference.
Good luck to you!
I wouldn't let fears about being "forced" to adopt a child with needs you aren't prepared to accept disuade you from domestic adoption. At our agency, we filled out a form regarding what we were looking for in a birth family. It included things such as smoking, drinking, medical background, mental health background, etc. There was no "black mark" against you if you were not comfortable with certain things. If a birth mother had a background of something not previously discussed, our caseworker called us to find out if we wanted to be shown. Again, it was fine to say no. You didn't even have to give a reason other than, "it's not right for us".
Obviously, the wait can be longer if you wait for the "perfect" baby, but it's a life long commitment, so you need to make sure you do what is right for your family. One of the 1st things we were told at orientation is that you will get the perfect baby for your family. We kind of rolled our eyes, but now that we have been through the process and met many other families that have adopted, we totally believe it!
Good luck!
PS - our agency has a different program for special needs children.