Am i being too harsh on my 3 yr old?

melwillingham25

My dd loves to snack. I've been trying to cut back on these past few weeks so that she can be hungry enough for lunches and dinners. 

Also, she is an EARLY riser (5am) and if she doesnt nap she gets dilirious by 6pm (understandable).

Anyway, these past few days Ive been going all out to make us both healthy meals and I make sure we have a sit down dinners around 5pm. But all she wants is her chocolate milk (which she normally gets right before bed) and that is it. Ive been telling her she can't have it until she takes a few bites of her dinner. She refuses to eat and I refuse to back down but 2 hrs later she asks for it again and starts having a full blown tantrum bc I tell her No and that she needs to eat first. So far I've always given in even a few hours later and after her tantums but I don't know if I should or stick to my guns. Should a 3 yr old go to bed with an empty stomach? Should I give her chocolate milk every time she refuses dinner (or anything that isnt considered a snack)?? I want to stand my ground with her but I feel horrible sending her to bed hungry.

Advice please? 

howleyshell

In my opinion, no you're not being too harsh but keep in mind that I'm a mean Mommy.

If they're hungry enough for snack, fruit, etc. then they're hungry enough to eat some real food first.

In this situation if she knows she's got the milk to rely on she can refuse dinner for a long time to come and rely on those later calories to complete her daily intake.

We usually do fruit before bath as a dessert of sorts.  We had to back it down at one point because they were eating fewer calories during the day because their bodies were used to that later calorie intake and they were not eating dinner well.  You don't make a "happy plate"?  You don't get fruit that night.   Removed the fruit - they ate like champs again.

As for sending them to bed hungry?  At age 3?  HECK YES you're fine to do that.  At this age we're supposed to look at food intake at more of a weekly or even monthly snap shot instead of a daily thing.  It's not uncommon during ups and downs of growth spurts for them to be totally ravenous or eat like birds.  Most of the time they're just listening to what their bodies need and behaving accordingly.

She'll likely be ravenous at breakfast the next day and there's your chance to get good healthy calories into her. 

I understand that it's not wise to make food into a battle ground but I personally would not let my children forgo a healthy meal and still get a high sugar treat.  It just doesn't work that way in our house. 

jen5-03

If it came down to it, I would let her go to bed hungry. though I think it might kill me.

I would try a compromise first. On those extra cranky nights  I let DD eat a "snack"... but really it's her dinner served in little cups. But it's not a sit down meal so it's a snack to her.

ctbride08

Its important to me (as someone who's struggled with weight my entire life) to never make food a battle.  I encourage DS to listen to his body and not eat when he isn't hungry.  I have no problem with a bunch of small meals through the day as long as they are healthy.  He can have fruit, veggies, and milk any time no matter what. He gets one option for dinner (the same thing we are all eating) and if he chooses not to eat it, i have no problem sending him to bed without dinner.  We do ask, though, that he tries one bite of everything so he's always trying new things.

septemberdreams

I guess I'm a mean mommy too.  I never give into tantrums at all so would never give the chocolate milk after a tantrum.

I see nothing wrong with her going to bed without dinner since it was her choice not to eat.  Chocolate milk isn't dinner.

Mysterious_wife

I think you are not being harsh enough.  At my house, you eat what is provided for a meal.  If you don't eat, you do not get a special snack.  I would have never given in.  A few nights of going to be hungry she will eat or she will eat a better breakfast. The saying is true, if they are hungry they will eat. 

Pesky

You're not mean.  You're being a parent.  That means holding your ground.  Your child will not perish from going to bed hungry.  I instead will bet that give it a couple nights of this and she starts eating dinner.  We have a rule that there is no dessert (often just fruit or yogurt) unless a sufficient amount of dinner is eaten.  We've always held firm.  And we've always insisted on at least one "try" bite of everything.  If she doesn't like it after the try bite, she doesn't have to eat any more of that item.  Don't give in -- you're teaching her that if she holds her grounds, throws her tantrums, she gets the food she wants.  Instead you want to teach her that there is one dinner and this is it.  the L&L book goes into this exact scenario.

luvmagoldn

Something similar happend at our house last night.  Andrew did not want to eat what I made for dinner and asked for a sandwich instead.  I said no, this is what we are having for dinner.  He whined and kept asking for the sandwich.  I told him he didn't have to eat but if he got hungry, his plate would be waiting for him.  But there would be no other options.  About thirty minutes later he came back to the table and ate most of what was on his plate.

I think you need to stick to your guns and refuse to give her chocolate milk.  By giving in a few hours later she still gets the message that she has won.  I would offer only water if she's thirsty until she eats at least some dinner (I'm not big on kids having to clean their plate).  It won't be pleasant but eventually she will get the message.

MrsAmers

A few nights ago my daughter said she didn't like anything on her plate and didn't take one bite of dinner.  (for the record, three of the four things on her plate she has eaten happily before).  She didn't eat again until breakfast.  No harm done.  Some nights she literally eats 3 bites at dinner.  Her choice.

We don't make food a battle.  We don't force her to try anything or to take a certain number of bites.  We offer healthy food on a regular and reliable schedule, and she decides what and how much to eat.

We only do treats on occasion, following good behavior, after a nice meal or for special events.   There are no "expected" times to get a treat, other than at a birthday party.  :-)  And no, there were no treats on the night that she didn't eat any dinner.

Temp159135562506975

IMO you are being WAY too easy.

I NEVER... EVER... EVER give into tantrums.  By doing this- we hardly ever see them.  My boys all know that tantrums don't work with us - and crying gets you NOTHING (crying b/c you want something, obviously not crying b/c hurt).

I would never give my child chocolate milk before bed - esp if he had not eaten dinner.  For my boys- chocolate milk is a treat- like ice cream... they don't get it often - and certainly wouldn't have it if they didn't eat dinner... and certainly not every night.

Send her to bed hungry - she'll learn... it won't ruin her... and she'll eat.

some kids prefer to snack a lot rather than eat 3 big meals - and it's actually better to eat that way - so i would do that- just have her eat healthy things when she's snacking- "meal" type things, but in smaller portions during the day.. no problem with that... but I do see a huge problem with giving into tantrums and giving chocolate milk every day - esp after not having eaten. 

divakat

I have been over this issue myself, and have had arguments with DH. My daughter is very, very thin and very, very picky. He will let her go to bed hungry if she doesn't want to eat her dinner, and I will not.  After consulting with several doctors about this subject, they all said the same things. You can pick your battles, but never battle about food. They have all told me to let her eat what she wants (within reason) whenever she wants. The more I battle with her about food, the more harm it can do. So that is what we do now. She eats what she wants, when she wants it.  What helps is that we don't keep anything in the house that we don't want her to eat. If you don't want her to drink chocolate milk, then don't keep it in the house. Aside from that, she can have her choice of anything that we have. We always offer her dinner, but if she wants a tuna sandwich instead of the roast I just made, I don't sweat it.

Ciarrai

Apparently, I'm a horrible, awful, mean mom.  For all of my kids (except DS to an extent), what's for dinner is what's for dinner including regular (not chocolate) milk.  If they eat, great.  If they don't, ok.  No one gets anything at all after dinner.  If they've cleared their place they're done.  If they haven't, they aren't and they need to sit back down and eat.  Lunch and breakfast are similar arrangements though I usually give them a choice of what they want to have - like "Do you want cereal or an english muffin for breakfast?  Want yogurt or a banana with it?"  We usually have 2 snacks per day - one in the morning and one in the afternoon.  The kids sometimes get dessert if they eat a good dinner but not every night even if they eat every night.  My girls are picky and there are plenty of nights when they don't eat or don't eat much for dinner.  I *try* to always have at least one thing they will usually eat (sometimes a roll, sometimes mashed potatoes, sometimes chicken, etc.) and offer a balanced meal.  That said, my very picky eaters eat a lot knowing they won't be getting anything else.  There are nights when they eat things they would usually refuse because they're hungry.  Other nights, they don't eat what they love just because they're not hungry.  It's just part of being a kid, I think.

In the answer to your question, I would be much more "mean" even than you are (and am).  I would definitely send her to bed hungry.  You are trying to get her to eat better dinners.  To do that, you have to not back down.  In general, if you threaten something, you have to be willing to follow through on something.  If you aren't willing to stick to it, don't say it.  If you aren't comfortable sending her to bed hungry, can you offer a healthy snack or white milk, but not chocolate so you're sticking to your rule while still giving her something to make sure she isn't starving?

johnsonia

Have you tried letting her 'help' with dinner? Let her be involved in what her dinner is. Give her a choice of 2 veggies, or let her pick which plate she'll use. My future step daughter is 4. She is sometimes very picky, but I've trained her pretty well. When I can tell she's in a mood about eating, I see if she can 'help' getting a pan out for me, passing me the lettuce from the fridge, simple things that a child can do. But it usually makes her feel a bit proud when she gets to tell Daddy who mashed the potatoes!

 

Looks like the Harsh thing was already addressed in most of the PP, but I agree that its not too harsh to send her to bed with nothing. And giving into the choc milk is simply reinforcing her poor behavior. My boyfriend always says its easy to be strict bc she not my daughter and I dont have the same soft spot he has as her father. But darling future step daughter always eats for me!

 

Let her tantrum, do not react. It may be hard but it will pay off.

 

good luck ! 

jlw2505

I don't force my kids to eat ever but we also really limit snacks and milk. I personally would never give my child choc milk at bedtime but that is just me. White milk - go for it but I would not add extra sugar at bedtime or anytime really. We only do choc milk when we are out and even then, its not all the time, maybe a few times a month at most.

Anyway, in my house, if you don't want to eat, you don't eat but you have to sit at the table with us.  We ask our girls (2 1/2 and 4 years) to taste everything that is on their plate and if they do that - we consider it a meal that they ate.  Both kids are offered a small cup of white skim milk before bed.  We do not snack between dinner and bed so if they don't eat dinner, that is it for the night.  We also don't make special meals for anyone, we always make sure there is 1 thing as part of the meal that we know each child likes.

My kids have a pretty set meal schedule - during the week, they take a breakfast bar and either fruit or yogurt to have right when they get to school since they get there well before breakfast is served.  At school they have breakfast, a mid morning snack, lunch and an afternoon snack.  Some days they have crackers or fruit on the way home (provided at daycare) but we try to avoid that most days so they will eat more dinner.  On days that I know dinner will be later than normal, I let them have that snack.  Other than that - it is dinner and skim milk if they want at bedtime.  On weekends, it is basically the same minus the breakfast bar although they sometimes have fruit or cheese to snack on if we are not eating breakfast right away (DD #1 wakes up super early so we usually wait to eat until we are all up so she has a little snack then)

mrstarawalsh

Nah, stick to your guns. Personally I would never give my child anything sugary right before bed. At 3 that kind of sleeping crutch should be long gone IMO. Don't make it a battle, but don't give in. DS knows dinner is dinner and if he doesn't like it no treats. I will make him a sandwhich if he's hungry but I know he won't starve himself over a treat. There's no battle because he has a choice, so its up to him in essence. Choices don't mean they get whatever, it meansonly that they have LIMITED options.

Spenjamins

I have no desire to fall on my sword over meal times or be dictatorial about them. My kids eat what they want within reason and eat a healthier diet than most kids, I imagine. I am not about to let them go hungry at night because they don't feel like pasta for dinner  - they can have lots of healthy choices to choose from - yogurt, fruit, cheese, etc. 

They get hot chocolate milk every morning and every night without fail.

marriedchick06

Ditto Mysterious-wife and Goldie Locks!!! I think you need to be more harsh. And DD rarely gets chocolate milk...only on special occasions. She probably has it 1x a month. And there has been times where she takes 2 bites of dinner and says she is done. Then 30 min later she is asking for a snack, so we pull out her dinner plate from the fridge and she will usually be content with that.