1st Trimester
I want to keep my baby but my boyfriend doesn't
I'm 21 years old and my boyfriend is 23 and I got pregnant unexpectedly. He and his parents think it's foolish for me to keep the baby. He lives in Long Island and I live in New Jersey. I don't have a full time job and I haven't gone to school yet. He has $13,000 debt in college loans and just recently quit his crappy job without another one, although he does have a college degree and I think he can find another job within 8 months. My family is being very supportive of me. I know it's only been 3 days since we found out, and it's understandable that he's still unhappy about it, but I don't feel like he'll ever come around. I want to keep this baby, and I want to be happy with him, but he keeps saying he'll feel guilty for the rest of his life for not being there for the first few years of his or her life, and for not being able to provide the advantages he wanted to that we can in the future. I don't know how to handle this situation and could really use some advice.?
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Re: I want to keep my baby but my boyfriend doesn't
I'm not sure you'll get the compassion and answers you want here.
This is something you have to decide with your boyfriend and your family. If you don't want to give up the baby for adoption or with abortion, DON'T, because you will never forgive yourself. No one can and should make that decision but you. If he won't be there then that's his decision. If your family thinks they can help you you should sit down and budget how much everything will cost....diapers, formula, daycare, clothes, baby stuff, etc.
I always say things happen for a reason so, there is a silver lining in this cloud.
Good Luck!
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Honey dont do anything you dont want to!
Im not trying to be mean but what if you guys break up in the future? How would you feel knowing you made a decision because of how he felt and now hes not around?
Babies are miracles and I personally dont believe in abortion. If you truly dont want to keep it then consider adoption. Im not trying to be judgemental but I cant wrap my mind around why an innocent child should lose its life because the father doesnt want to have it. He consented to sex and when you engage in such activities pregnancy is always a possibilty.
Im 21 also and my pregnancy was unplanned. I was on the pill and took it faithfully. I was really shocked and didnt feel ready but now I feel blessed.
I know you want to keep the baby and I think you should make decisions that are right for you. Im glad your parents are supportive of you, remember you have more people to turn to.
Only you can decide but please do so of your own free will. I have had too many friends have an abortion to keep their man and then are promptly dumped and they regret it so much now.
you are in my prayers (((hugs)))
His parents shouldn't have any say in the matter. He is a grown man. If you want to keep the baby, keep it; however from the sounds of it you won't be keeping your boyfriend. Do you think you can handle being a single mom?
No one is ever fully prepared to have a child.
Ultimately it's your decision whether to keep your baby or not. BUT he is the father of the child, and you have to think about how the child's life will be with an unsupportive father. You can still achieve your goals, even if you have this baby, but you have to realise what your goals are, and how hard it will be for you. You will have to work, FULL TIME to support the child and yourself. You can't rely on your boyfriend to do the right thing, especially years down the road. Having a child is a permanent thing, it doesn't end. And the doctors bills you are about to face are going to be astronomical. Plus the stress you're going to be under will be unbelievable, being pregnant is a scarey thing, you can do it with out support, but its difficult. You really need to consider the long term.
I understand what you're going through, as my husband and I are the same age, just remember, You can raise a child broke, but you will have a hell of a time raising it in a broken home.
In the course of 3 days, you can't really say that he'll never come around. You just don't know yet. A lot of men's initial reaction to an unplanned pregnancy is shock, wanting it to go away until they're in a better place to provide, etc. He may never come around, but he still has plenty of time to come to a place where he accepts and even wants this baby.
As others have mentioned, don't terminate the pregnancy if you don't want to. I would sternly say that abortion isn't an option and he's wasting his breath when he pushes the subject on you. You can't depend on him sticking around, so it's on you to create a better life for the baby. I'd focus solely on finding a full time job so you can provide the necessities for the baby.
Good luck.
I just want to offer you a
. It sounds like you have your head on straight, and you are really thinking this through. Just remember that he may not be around forever, so you have to do what is right for you and never look back.
If it's any consolation, my BIL who is 23 just had a baby with his 22 y.o girlfriend. He was also shocked, but eventually he came around and they are a very happy little family. Give him some time and see what happens. If not, you do what you need to do for YOU.
This is your body, your baby, your choice. It's as simple as that. If you feel comfortable having this child on your own and you feel you can do this with the help of your family, then go for it. He has a right to know about the pregnancy and know how you feel about it, but no one should ever make a woman feel pressured when it comes to this situation, whether a man is pressuring a woman to have an abortion or whether he's pressuring to have a child. This is up to you.
Is there a chance your boyfriend can change his mind and decide later on that he's happy this baby is on its way and that he wants to be involved? Absolutely.
But please don't go forward with this pregnancy thinking he might change his mind. Don't assume there will be a happy ending. That could only break your heart in the end or set you up for some massive disappointment. Be up front with yourself about the reality of your situation. He could very well come around or he could very well walk away. You need to know whether you can handle everything on your own if the latter is what happens.
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and a great support system in your family--that's massively important. Many positive thoughts being sent your way.
(Oh, and in regards to the student loans? Don't worry about it. Millions of people have student loans. For a lot of us, it's part of the college process. I graduated 10 years ago from a small, private university. I'm still paying off my student loans and I will be for a while. We've just made the payment work with our budget. I'd be more concerned about his lack of work than the student loan payments.)
Just don't expect it to work quickly (still waiting on Medicaid. for over a month now) my Husbands insurance won't cover me. I don't know if it is nation wide, but there is a program you can qualify for before medicaid covers you called MOMS. you sign up for it at the health department, and it will cover everything you need as far as prenatal care goes, U/S perscriptions, etc. all you need is proof of your income, and it will take effect immediatly if you qualify. They will give you a guarantee of payment letter before you leave the health department. But they will need you to take a pg test there, which when I went, I had to wait 3.5 hours just to be seen!
I have lived by this and it works for me: "Prepare for the worst, hope for the best."
I agree with others: do NOT have an abortion unless it is completely your decision and you are comfortable with it. You wll regret it later. Of course, if that's something you later consider,again, your choice.
Secondly, I am a bit older, married, planned for and love DD. However, I feel guilty all the time about what I could've would've should've done better - before getting pregnant, during pregnancy, and now. I mean, I think about my career choice, working and not being a SAHM (no choice) and the decisions I make for her. That never ends, get used to it! LOL People aren't perfect so many parents end up feeling guilty about something.
Thirdly, get your act together to provide the best for your baby. Don't mistake this for judging...I'm not. Just find yourself the best full time job with health benefits (I believe pregnancy is not considered a pre-existing condition) ASAP before you start showing. It may be harder to find something once you are obviously pregnant. Get medicaid or any other social services if you have to -- there is no shame in that.
Fourth, men are not as excited when having a baby is just a concept to them. Reality will hit when they hear a heartbeat or see an ultrasound or watch your belly grow. It doesn't hit many until they hold their baby in their arms. That's natural and normal, so don't count him out yet. He is being reactionary and that's normal as well. Just wait it out a bit, he may come around.
Fifth, his parents have absolutely no say. Ignore them.
Sixth, plan for your baby with your current support system and have ppl around you who love you. Don't try to get your boyfriend to be/do something he's not ready for or happy about...it will make the problem worse. At least not now, while you are pregnant. You will be stressed enough as it is..easier said than done, I know. But you don't need the drama right now.
Last but not least....CONGRATULATIONS!!! I won't tell you not to worry because that's impossible - but I will tell you to enjoy it.
I was 22 when my boyfriend (now husband) and I found out we were pregnant. I, too, was on birth control so our pregnancy was the greatest unexpected suprise. We were both still living at home with our parents, I was still in school and he didn't have a job. So, we were pretty much in your shoes. Luckly both are families were very supportive. I guess what i'm getting at is no one is ever "truely" prepared to have a child and few are finacially stable enough for children. So....go with your heart. If you want to keep your baby do so, but make it your decision. There are plently of resources out there for single mothers. Good luck with your decision.
Also, I really hope abortion is not in choices to chose from. There are plenty of families that are ready and want children but can't. Keep that in mind
Adoption is a wonderful thing!
How about these questions?
Are you going to be OK raising this baby by yourself? If your boyfriend doesn't really want to keep the baby, you have to ready yourself for the possibility that he may not be interested in helping you raise and take care of this child.
Would you be OK with this guy leaving you with the baby but coming back into your lives in the future? He may decide, years down the road, that he's ready to be a dad. How will you handle this after raising the kid by yourself for years? Not saying this would happen, but it's possible.
It all comes down to what you can and can't handle. If the only way you can fathom handling this pregnancy is with the help and support of your boyfriend, then this is a lot tougher. You may not be able to convince your boyfriend to want this baby and want to be involved in the baby's life. This decision isn't something that we (as in, women on this board) can make for you. It's something you'll need to discuss with your boyfriend and your families...and of course, think about on your own. Good luck!
Okay this is very simple. You are choosing between your child and a man...hmmm I'm going to have to say your child.
And trust me! I'm 23 and and my husband and I are VERY happy, but if I had to choose it would always be my child over my husband. As cruel as that seems my child would ALWAYS come first.
Good luck! I hope everything turns out well for you.
People on here and their opinions on abortion should not matter to you at all, and it's annoying that some of you are (possibly unintentionally) making her feel like a bad person for considering all of her options.
Ultimately, this is your decision. You need to do what's right for you and for your family. If you choose to go through with the pregnancy and keep the child, be prepared that you might not have your boyfriend anymore, and that's his decision. You don't have to decide anything today. It sounds like you have the support of your family, and if you think you can hack it as a 21 year old single mom and that's what you want, that's what you should do.
Good luck. Tough situation.
Thank you, I had the same thought.
I'm sorry your having to go through this. The bottom line here is that this is YOUR decision and no one elses. You are the one that is going to have to live with whatever decision you make.
I also agree with the person that said "Prepare for the worst, hope for the best". Hopefully you'll boyfriend may come around but you need to seriously think about the fact that he might not and that you may be raising this child alone. It does sound like you have a really good supportive family which will help with whatever you decide to do. I wish you the best of luck.
I also have to say that I am completely disgusted with the people in this post that felt it was appropriate to post their personal opinion about abortion. This is not the post for that. Whether you like it or not, that is a valid option and you should not be trying to make the OP feel guilty about even considering it.
If you are really wanting to keep the baby start looking into services. I get medicaid from the state as I am a full time student in college. Also you can get help with food by applying for WIC. WIC covers women who are pregnant to help with things like eggs, cheese, juice, milk, bread.
Just think about what life would be as a single parent. You have a great supports in your family it sounds like. Lean on them while you figure everything out.
Ok, when I first read this I knew it was going to get interesting. This may be out of line but I guess I am going to be the first to call MUD on this (at least I didn't see anyone else yet). From the very first time I read it I just felt like it was just designed to stir up drama on the board and it has apparently succeeded in doing so.
I could be completely wrong here, maybe this poster just created an account today and made her one and only post this controversial situation. It is possible that she is really in this bad situation and if that is the case than I apologize. However, I feel it's unlikely someone would come on here essentially asking for advice on whether or not she should terminate her pregnancy because her boyfriend doesn't want it and has $13,000 in debt. Really?! If I only had $13,000 in debt I would be one happy camper.
To the OP, if you are really in this type of situation there are places you can go to get support and counseling and they can go over options with you, from being a single parent to adoption, and even terminating if you wish to do so. Planned Parenthood provides these services and you might also be able to find other local places in the phone book. Your doctor can also probably talk to you about it or point you in the right direction or other people you can talk to. Only you can make the decision whether or not you want to raise your baby on your own, the ladies on the board cannot help you do that. Best wishes for all.
You're preganant and you want a baby....seems like you already made up your mind. You can go to school while pregnant. You are lucky to have your family's support since being a single mom is tough. You are young and the baby will certainly change your life forever. You have to do what is best for you and your future.
As for the guy, if he doesnt want to be involved, don't force him. Babies need medical care and love for the few years of live, not a bunch of "advantages". He will have to pay child support so he should get a job or get in school to earn a degree. Student loans are available, so is work study.
Talk it over with your parents. Maybe they are willing to help financially and provide child care.
Sorry to hear you are having so much trouble with it. The good news is that medicaid is retroactive to conceptions so whatever bills you accumulate now will be covered whenever they get around to approving your status. I got approved within 2 weeks. As far as I knew that was the norm.
It sounds like your b/f is scared and uncertian. 23 years of age is not too young to have a child and having 13k in debt is not necessarily a lot, although a job is a great thing to have to help pay it.
It has only been 3 days so give it time. I don't think you should be talking about whether or not you should keep the baby so soon. Let things sink in first and then have such an emotionally deep conversation.
Also, just out of curiosity, why don't you have a FT job? I hate to be be a negative nelly but you NEED to be able to provide for your child and should seriously think about getting a FT job.
This. Get off your soapboxes, pro-lifers. This isn't about you.
I understand this is probably one of the most difficult decisions you'll ever have to make. I can only offer you advice from my past experiences and from those close to me. I strongly believe women should only have babies and decide to keep them if they believe they are able to do it independently. Even those of us with supportive husbands may not have them tomorrow. Sh*t happens. It's probably a very cynnical thing to say, but you really only have yourself to count on and you baby will only have you.
If the father is not supportive: you can't force him to want to be a father. You can chase him around for child support, but that's pretty much all you can do. So are you willing to sacrifice your time, put in the effort to get a job, possibly put your baby in daycare, or leave your baby with your parents while you find a way to support your child? All you have to ask yourself is whether you'd do anything in your power to care for it.
If you don't believe you can, and you don't believe in abortion, there are many people hoping and praying for a child of their own and are willing to adopt. I've witnessed my sister pretty much ruin her life and drag her children through hell because her husband, while supportive of having children, is unable to keep a job for more than a week. They're currently without a place to live, without work, on welfare, and have 4 children. It's heartbreaking to see what the children have to go through simply because my sister is too selfish to think about what SHE can do to take care of them instead of relying on her husband to make the money.
So if you want the baby, keep it. Just be prepared to take care of it and sacrifice everything you have to ensure his or her happiness. That's what being a mother is about.
You say you want to keep the baby so keep the baby. Whatever you do, stay strong and don't let your boyfriend change your mind. Even though i am sure your boyfriend is wonderful, boyfriends come and go, but your baby is your baby.
As far as how to handle your boyfriend and his family? I would just give it a little time to see if they come around.
And as far as financials? You say your family is very supportive, talk to them about a your future plans. Is there anyone in your family that could watch the baby while you worked/went back to school? Or could you possibly move back in with your parents to save some money?
I wish you all the best. A baby is God's most precious gift and while it may not have been in your plan, it was in Gods all along.
BFP #5 11/15/14, Team Green EDD 7/22/15
BFP #4 4/30/13, baby girl born med-free Jan. 2014
BFP #3 9/24/12, Missed m/c at 9w1d (baby measured 8w5d)
BFP #2 9/23/10, healthy baby girl born med-free June 2011
BFP #1 5/21/10, Missed m/c at 10w4d (baby measured 8wks), D&C 6/29/10
"Life is like a camera, just focus on what's important and capture the good times, develop from the negatives and if things don't work out, just take another shot."
Yep, you are right it isn't about the "pro-lifers". It's actually not about the person that posted this or her boyfriend either, it's about the brand new baby being formed right now that doesn't get a say in the whole situation.
BFP #5 11/15/14, Team Green EDD 7/22/15
BFP #4 4/30/13, baby girl born med-free Jan. 2014
BFP #3 9/24/12, Missed m/c at 9w1d (baby measured 8w5d)
BFP #2 9/23/10, healthy baby girl born med-free June 2011
BFP #1 5/21/10, Missed m/c at 10w4d (baby measured 8wks), D&C 6/29/10
"Life is like a camera, just focus on what's important and capture the good times, develop from the negatives and if things don't work out, just take another shot."
I think that's enough said.