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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
Holidays, traveling... would you be mad? (DH vent)
We hardly ever have anything good to fight over. DH is one of the most self-less people I have ever met. This has me so f*ing pissed though... but there's no way to win except keep fighting until he gives in. Would you be mad? Or am I being hormonal and pregnant?
DH and I just moved 1800 miles away from friends and family for his job. I'm a SAHM, with almost 2u2. He has a complicated work schedule, and is still the "new kid on the block" -- we are fighting over flying home sometime in Dec. Truth is, I'd fly alone, but not sure how that works with a 1 year old and newborn... don't think I could handle it, or that I should have to. He has accrued time off, but still isn't sure which two weekend he'll be on duty or if he can take more than his 3 days he'll already have off.
His argument - it's too hard to fly with 2 babies, we can't handle it. We haven't been away from home that long. We'll have people out visiting in Nov. when the baby is born (um, I think). I am new on the job and can't ask for time off.
My argument - I moved out here for your job, yes it helps our family, but I was content where we were before. I miss my friends and our family, going home would allow me to see more people. I know I probably won't be able to make it for the holidays, but this is second best. DD deserves to have some sort of holiday time with her extended family when possible. My grandfather is hanging on to life by a thread, and it would make me feel better to see him... his bday is in Dec, and it could be the last one. Money is not part of the problem. Why can't we try to make it work?!
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Re: Holidays, traveling... would you be mad? (DH vent)
Honestly, I see both sides. I get you wanting to be home and I get him feeling pressed about scheduling and being new at work.
Does it have to be December? Holidays suck for travelling and your new baby will be young. Would January be better?
I was thinking this... direct flight, at night. I'd still have to pay for 2 seats... but it would be worth it. I just don't understand why he's so against it.
Sometimes it is less stressful to just go yourself. Then you don't have to worry about DH getting stressed, frustrated, resentful...
Plus you feel proud of yourself as an independent mom of 2U2 who doesn't let anything stop her! (Although I have no clue how single moms do it)
Good luck
I agree that maybe DH would be more willing to schedule a trip outside of the holidays. He could be worried about asking for time off from his new job he just uprooted you for. I wouldn't want to expose a newborn to airport germs either.
I wouldn't want to not spend Christmas with my DH. My family lives far away too, but DH asked me after DS was born to make sure where ever we spend Christmas, it is together.
Coming from a person who has spent the last 4 years away from any family because of DH's job, I don't think you are being ridiculous! If he can figure out a way for it to work I think he should understand your need to see family, especially your grandfather. And it will be nice for your LO's too, since it may be the only time he can meet your newest addition.
I traveled w/ DD at 3 weeks, we didn't have any problems with germs, just made sure no one touched her and we washed our hands a lot, we were also bfing.
If you choose to go alone, I would do what pp said try to find a red eye and a direct flight. I hope he changes his mind though!!!
Given that your DH is new to his job I completely understand him not wanting to go.
I am sure when you see your family in Nov when they visit you and new LO you will feel much better.
If you're still feeling home sick and you're not concerned about germs/planes/flu season then take the leap and fly alone with the 2 LO's. Book a direct flight like others have suggested.
I live half way across the country from my family so I totally understand you wanting to visit around the holidays. I would fly before or after the holidays and spend the actual holiday(s) at home w/ DH (I'm assuming this is your plan anyway).
As a military wife, I will never understand those who voluntarily spend holidays apart from their husbands. I get it if family emergencies arise, but this will be the first Christmas DH, DS and I get to spend together. We've been married over 4 years and this is only the second Christmas we'll have together and DH's first Christmas with DS. I wouldn't spend my holidays with anybody but my husband when given the opportunity. On the flip side, I also know how tough it is to live thousands of miles away from family. My son's first birthday was celebrated with neighbors and friends. My niece's first birthday is today - and the entire family (except us!) will be there to celebrate her. It stinks to miss out on these big moments with family. So I get where you're coming from.
But I really think you should visit your family another time. You'll see them in November and your husband is right - it isn't easy to take time off from a job that you just started. I agree with the pps who suggested January or February for a visit. In the mean time, I suggest getting out and about in your community to make some friends. Bake a pie for your neighbors and take it over to introduce yourself. Join a mom and baby play group. Once you have some friends in your new community, you'll feel a lot better because you won't just be pining for the friends you had to leave.
I would probably be upset, but would try to understand the perspective DH is coming from. As the new guy, I would imagine the last thing he wants to do it ask for extra time off during the holidays as the low man on the totum pole. I wouldn't even put him in that position if hes that new in his job- I think its sorta an expectation that the new guy is gonna get stuck with the crappy schedule at the holidays. I don't think he is being selfish at all, actually its the other way around. He is being responsible and and a respectful employee in a position that is apparently a pretty good one if you guys moved that far for. There is no reason to be mad at him as far as I see it.
I would want DH to make the trip home with me though and if thats a really big factor, I would find another time to go that works better for all of you and won't put him in a bad position at work. Or, go alone like others said- it will be easiest with a really little one if you are traveling with 2 kids alone and you will have a better argument the next time.... "I went last time alone....." I can hear it now!
Honestly I can see where your husband is coming from more. I am sure that a lot of people want to take the holidays off and being the newest guy there, well that just might not happen. That is just the reality of the situation. With the job market being what it is, he really isn't in the position to tell people what will work best for him. He just isn't.
I understand that you want to see your family, trust me. However, I think you should spend the holidays at your new home with the new family that you created and see your extended family some other time. Trust me, I truly do understand being home sick, I really do, but he is their father and I just couldn't imagine leaving my husband alone for the holidays. Besides, are you going to go back to your hometown every year? Are you never going to celebrate the holidays at your new home ?
FWIW, my parents moved away from our extended families for about 8 years when I was a child and we never went back to their hometown for the holidays. My parents really did try to establish new traditions in our new city and even though we weren't around cousins, grandparents and aunts and uncles; those were still some of the happiest holidays I can remember.
ETA: whoops that's what I get for not reading the entire post. Yeah go back home sometime later and if you have to go alone, then so be it.
Thanks - I guess I am being more emotional than usual.
I guess I'm just upset because the original plan was to try to go home the 1st weekend in Dec. between the craziness of Thanksgiving and Christmas, but close enough that we didn't feel so far away from everyone. DH is military... we're only going to be here another year or two, and I should just be happy that we'll be together for the holidays. We've spent the last 8 years with both of our families during this time, and I can't imagine this year being so far away from everyone. I was also hoping to Baptize our baby at the same church DD was baptized and we were married... ugh. Oh well.
I get being disappointed with the way things have turned out. I'm a military wife too and more often than not, the navy makes plans that are completely opposite my own lol. Still, I'm impressed that you were in one location for 8 years! What a blessing that must have been and I'm sure it is making this new transition even more difficult. But also know that your husband doesn't even get to choose his Christmas leave. That is up to his command and they usually split it so that half the command is gone at a time because they have to have people working every day (or at least that is how it works in my husband's case unless there are seriously mitigating circumstances that necessitate a person to take extra leave at the holidays). And I really cannot imagine they'll allow him to take leave at Christmas and then again earlier in the same month. I really do know how tough it is to be so far away from loved ones. I'm not even in the same country or on the same continent as our families. I know all about homesickness. It sucks
But like I said in my earlier post, if you can start making friends where you are it'll make the transition so much easier and make the homesickness a lot easier to deal with too. Hugs. I hope you start feeling better about your new location soon 