April 2011 Moms

Is This Selfish?

I know there is a baby showers board but I wanted the opinion of you ladies. . .

Here is the situation:  My mom has offered to throw me a baby shower and has offered my MIL to be included if she wants to.  My MIL has agreed that she wants to invite people to my moms shower instead of throwing her own.  My MIL is insisting that because her son is her only child and this is "his child too" that he should stay for the entire shower.  My mom had asked me what I wanted and I would like a "girls only" shower (like most typical showers are).  The plan was that it would be just me for most of the shower then my DH would show up for the final hour of the shower to cut cake, say hi and thanks to the guests and help take gifts home.  He doesn't want to be at the shower the whole time but thinks that if he is not it will upset his mom.  I have always thought of "my" baby shower as being a certain way where it was just me and DH came later.  My MIL thinks it is selfish of me to ask that DH not be there the whole time and only come later.   What do you think?

I know this is a while away but I have such drama with my MIL as it is I know that it will come up all the way until the baby shower.  TIA!

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Re: Is This Selfish?

  • My H was at the shower I had for DD. HE WAS MISERABLE! The only reason he didn't go out was because he didn't have anything to do or anywhere to go. This time around, if I have a gathering, I'm sending him out with some buddies or something. Showers are more for the ladies. If MIL doesn't like it, she doesn't have to come. He will be included when you write thank you notes. That's all that needs to come from him.
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  • Tell your husband to stand up to his mom on what you and him want.  If he doesn't do it for the shower just imagine how bad it will be once baby arrives.  If he doesn't want to be there then it's a no biggie.
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  • I don't think it's selfish, especially if that's what you BOTH want.  Maybe he should talk with his mom and tell her that he doesn't want to be there during all the girly stuff, and that he would just like to show up at the end, when cake eating is involved (sounds like my DH too, LOL).  She may better accept it if it comes directly from him...
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  • Honestly, I think your husband is a big boy and if he doesn't want to be there, he should tell his mommy that and let it be end of the conversation.

    Why do you have to take all the drama on yourself, when he agrees and it's his mother making the issue?

  • Has anyone actually asked your DH what he wants? 
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  • imageambrandau2:

    Honestly, I think your husband is a big boy and if he doesn't want to be there, he should tell his mommy that and let it be end of the conversation.

    Why do you have to take all the drama on yourself, when he agrees and it's his mother making the issue?

    This exactly. It's YOUR baby shower and your husband needs to tell his mother that. This is only the beginning!

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  • imageambrandau2:

    Honestly, I think your husband is a big boy and if he doesn't want to be there, he should tell his mommy that and let it be end of the conversation.

    Why do you have to take all the drama on yourself, when he agrees and it's his mother making the issue?

    I agree! 

  • imageambrandau2:

    Honestly, I think your husband is a big boy and if he doesn't want to be there, he should tell his mommy that and let it be end of the conversation.

    Why do you have to take all the drama on yourself, when he agrees and it's his mother making the issue?

    This.  He can do it!!!

  • Honestly, unless it was a couples shower I have never been to a shower where the husband was there. And like you said, YH doesn't even want to be there so I do not think you're being selfish at all. I would tell your MIL if she wants YH to be there so badly, she should throw her own couples shower.
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  • Thanks everyone!  I am going to force the issue and have him stand up to his mom because you're right it is only going to get worse once the baby comes.  I just didnt want to force the issue if I was the one in the wrong.  Thanks again!
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  • imageweelass24:
    Has anyone actually asked your DH what he wants? 

     yes I asked him what he wanted after he told me that his mom wanted him there the whole time.  He told me that he didnt want to be there the whole time that he wanted to go out with the guys (my dad, his dad and my bro) while the showering was going on.  He said he wanted it to be like my bridal shower where he came at the end to say hi, cut cake and take gifts home.

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  • Yep, yep yep.  Listen there are going to be plenty of opportunities for MIL to be upset whether it is the baby shower, the name  you pick out, who will be in the delivery room with you to where you guys will be on Christmas morning.  Might as well let her get upset now and stand up for what both of you guys want. 
  • I agree with this....

     

    Honestly, I think your husband is a big boy and if he doesn't want to be there, he should tell his mommy that and let it be end of the conversation.

    Why do you have to take all the drama on yourself, when he agrees and it's his mother making the issue?

    (sorry that I forgot to use the quote feature!!) 

    Personally, my DH was there the whole time and had a fine time.  He wanted to be there and I wanted him there, so it was never an issue.

  • I agree with PPs that it should be up to your husband.

    If he wants to be there, I think you should let him be there and suck it up.  Sometimes the visions we have in our head of how things are going to be (at our "perfect wedding" or "perfect baby shower") don't happen, and we have to adapt.  Cheerfully.

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  • I imagine myself saying to my husband: "I want it girls only... please tell your mom that" and he wouldn't think twice.  I don't think he'd want to go anyway?
  • I  think it's up to you and your dh, NOT mom or mil.  I wanted dh at mine the entire time (there was also 1-2 other men there, just b/c we're friends with them) and he stayed.  He was also at our bridal shower.  That was our choice. 
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  • DH and I just talked about this. I want a traditional shower. He's not interested in being there.

    A friend did this and to include our male friends and her child's dad, they had a bbq and just had a good time. So we think we may go this route. No presents required. But some of our guy friends have mentioned wanting to buy stuff so they can if they want

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  • My DH would feel out of place, I think showing up later is good because like someone said to say thank you for coming and the gifts. 

    Its what your DH wants not what his mommy wants.

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  • I think it should be your DH's decision, not his mother's. If he really wanted to be there the whole time, I'd say you should let him. But he doesn't. He needs to talk with MIL.

    My DH is having a Diaper Party. It's pretty popular in our area. DH will invite all his buddies over for some poker, food and drinks. My MIL has already offered to host it in her basement and make the food. Cost of admission is one pack of diapers. The men always enjoy it. Other than that, DH will probably just show up at the end of my shower to help carry gifts and say hi to people.

  • He doesn't want to be there, and you don't want him to be there. That's what matters. Don't let MIL push you around.

    If it is really important to him (or her), around here the guys do diaper parties. It is basically a party where all the guys bring beer and diapers and hang out. Much "manlier" than a baby shower.

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  • He is a big boy. Why is he afraid of his mom? Since your mil is a peach, has she mentioned the delivery room yet?
  • imageMrs.McLovin:
    He is a big boy. Why is he afraid of his mom? Since your mil is a peach, has she mentioned the delivery room yet?

    His mom has SEVERE seperation anxiety and anything we do that looks like we are purposely trying to make her mad she doesnt speak to us for a month or longer.  A good example is she didnt speak to me for a month before the wedding because we returned the comfortor she bought us because it smelled like cigarette smoke.  He is an only child and it drives me nuts that he "can't" (so he says) say things to his mom because it will upset her.  She hasnt asked about the delivery room yet BUT I made it known from the very beginning that it was going to be DH and my mom in the delivery room and no one else.  It hasnt come up since then but who knows we still have a while to go.   

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  • imageirelandsangel81:

    imageMrs.McLovin:
    He is a big boy. Why is he afraid of his mom? Since your mil is a peach, has she mentioned the delivery room yet?

    His mom has SEVERE seperation anxiety and anything we do that looks like we are purposely trying to make her mad she doesnt speak to us for a month or longer.  A good example is she didnt speak to me for a month before the wedding because we returned the comfortor she bought us because it smelled like cigarette smoke.  He is an only child and it drives me nuts that he "can't" (so he says) say things to his mom because it will upset her.  She hasnt asked about the delivery room yet BUT I made it known from the very beginning that it was going to be DH and my mom in the delivery room and no one else.  It hasnt come up since then but who knows we still have a while to go.   

    Catering to her anxieties will only make them worse.  You guys simply can't be afraid of her being upset.  With the comforter example, what was the worst that happened?  She just didn't speak to you guys for a month.  In the long run that isn't a big deal.

    This past May my husband really really upset his mom.  I'm talking outright sobbing.  However, he didn't waver and told her that her behavior is unacceptable.  He stood firm.  Guess who is now falling over herself to be on our good side?  You guessed it.  I seriously think my DH was one of the first people to stand up to her and she didn't know what to do with herself.

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