Loosing friends to motherhood — The Bump
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Loosing friends to motherhood

I am wondering if I am the only one who seems to have lost friends once having kids.  I am not talking about not having time, although that can factor in.  But what I mean is it clearly seems as though friends actively distance themselves once babies are in the mix.  I am sad and hurt over it, honestly.

I think it has to do with judgement.  As in, some mommy friends are so sensative to who does what, how, when nonsense.  Like I breastfeed, you don't, she makes her baby food, her baby doesn't sleep through the night, blah blah comparison and judgement.  Either that or I really smell or something.  I joke, but really I don't get it. 

I don't understand all the judgement and comparison.  I personally think observing and sharing different parenting approaches is cool, interesting and an opportunity for learning.  I certainly don't think my way is best, or works for everyone. 

Of course there might be other issues in play here, I just don't know.  Jealousy, SAHM v. WM thing, whatever.  I'm just whinny and hurt.  I want to ask my friend WTF!?!?!  Perhaps I will.  Nicely of course, in a non-judgemental way :)

Re: Loosing friends to motherhood

  • A few of my friends have disappeared, I have to call them to get together. Seems like maybe they think I can't get away or something? Not sure but I've pretty much given up trying
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  • DH and I were really close friends with a couple for over 10 years..their kids are around 4 and 7 now...we would always go over to hang out, do date nites, see the kids - at least once a month....once we had our kids they stopped calling us...we called a bunch of times to have them over, plan a date night, etc....but they were always busy....and since we had the girls never.once invited us over...I am so done with them. They have a been there, done that attitude...and I just don't have the desire to maintain the friendship anymore.
  • I've "lost" a few of my single, party animal friends.  I don't really miss them though, ha.

    I don't care at all about BF, FF, WM vs SAHM, co-sleeping, whatever.  My mommy friends do a variety of different things, and whatever works for them, is great!

    I've distanced myself from a few "mommy friends" because I don't like the way they parent.  I think the way you parent is a reflection on you as a person.  I don't like screaming, crying, out of control kids... so if you come to a playdate at my house and your kid is out of control... you probably won't be invited back.

    Also, I don't like to hang out with girls that just complain about their husbands and kids 24/7.  That's not "fun" for me.  Several of my friends would always compain about their deadbeat husbands, and it was annoying for me.  I hardly see them anymore. 

    But for me at least, I've found that I really have to put in a LOT of effort to keep my friendships going.  I do a monthly book club with my close friends, so that's an easy way for us to bond without babies around.  I also plan a lot of playdates so I can see my girlfriends on a regular basis.  I am the "planner" in my group of friends.  If I don't plan a girls weekend, it's not going to happen.  So for me, I make sure to plan things a lot!

    In your instance, I would talk to your friend and find out if she's upset about something, or what's the deal.  If you miss her, tell her that!

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  • I was actually excluded a lot because I was not a mom before--I have had friends whom I introduced, and they ended up getting together behind my back since their kids were close in age and they were doing some activities together w/ the kids and "forgot" to call me. So I have distanced myself from both of them.

    I am just done w/ friends like that, married or not, kids or not, if you're a crummy friend--you will be a crummy friend no matter what.

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