Choosing work over being a SAHM?
Please no flames. This is a really, really hard time right now. I have a 3 1/2 year old and an almost four month old and I have been a mostly SAHM since my first was born. I'm beginning to think I'm not cut out for the SAHM routine but I have been working at it for so long now that I feel like going back to work would be like quitting on my kids. I have never been a highly career oriented individual so it's not as though work is calling to me. I'm just beginning to believe that I suck at this and it might be better for everyone if I went back to work full time. Better for everyone with the exception of our baby and that's hard to take. However, I'm wondering if I'd actually be a better mom to my 3 yr. old and a more adjusted human being if we came at the battle from a different angle.
All I thought I ever wanted was to be a SAHM mom and now I'm not sure
of anything. We certainly could use the
money but that's not the driving force of my thought process. DS is in daycare two days a week (I work part time) and thrives in the structure. He cries sometimes and clings and wants to stay home but it's really brutal on our home days. Perhaps it's me...
How did you know you didn't want to SAH? Did any of you SAH and then choose to go back to work? Again, please no flames. I know many of you would give anything to SAH and that's always been my frame of mind. We have made so many sacrifices to do so but I'm trying to look at the big picture and maybe I need to consider some different options.
Thanks in advance for your kind perspective!
Re: Choosing work over being a SAHM?
I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to work. Do you have the option to work full time at your current employer?
It sounds like you are having a hard time battling with this decision. When you say that it is really brutal on your home days, can you describe that? I don't know, maybe you just need a vacation
My baby is two!!! Baby girl 9/17/09
My other baby is still a baby! Baby Boy 11-30-11
Is it financially possible for you to put DS in daycare 5 days a week? I know a few centers around here will let you do 4.5 hours a day and that's considered part time. Then, he'd go everyday, so it wouldn't screw him up so bad, but you wouldn't have to feel guilty about having him gone all day.
Some moms can do the structure thing and have lots of learning time and play time at home, but I know that I would not be that type of mom. I would get lax and we'd probably watch too much TV and shop too much. I think the socialization and structure of centers are so important that once DD gets to be about a year old, I'll take her out of my sister's care at least part time so she can experience that.
Do not feel guilty if you feel that going back to work full time is what is best for you and your family. And really, if you find after some time that that isn't working out either, you can always go back to staying at home. But please, never feel guilty about trying to do what's best for your kids.
No flames here. You have a new baby and a rambunctious 3 1/2 year old. And health issues you are dealing with.
I think the idea of a more consistent schedule for your son could be a good idea. I see a lot of women post that they would feel guilty if they were at home with a kid in daycare. It is nonsense.
You sound overwhelmed. Nothing wrong with going back to work and a lot of us on here are happy being working mothers. But I don't know if that is your issue as much as just being exhausted right now. Can you put your son in daycare 5 days a week and take some time to adjust before making any decisions?
I agree with this. My DS is a lot younger, so it might be different but this schedule works great for us. I work 5 days a week, mostly mornings from 9a-12p (and 1 day a week I work 2p-6p). I think it's much easier because he has a consistent morning routine we don't deviate from. Plus I like getting up and coming to work everyday-I don't think I'd personally like a 2 day a week schedule. I like having a routine and being at work for my morning cup of coffee and being able to eat something here before I go home to my son. I usually feel much better that way. I'd try to give that schedule a shot before you commit to something full time if possible and see how it goes.
Good luck with whatever you decide!
Another option to throw out....
If you work Tu/Th, could you add Wednesday to the mix and that way your son would have three solid days together of daycare? Followed by a long weekend at home? That might help you out, since the days would be grouped together more....
And no flames from me, I have always liked working and although I am home more than I work, would never quit my "day job", so to speak. Most moms here will agree.
HUGS!!!! You sound like you're going through the wringer.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to go back to work. I agree with the ladies that perhaps working 5 days a week in the morning would be more of a consistent routine. Kids thrive on routine. Check with your daycare provider - I'm sure they have options for parttime.
Good Luck!!
First of all - hugs to you. Sorry that you're having such a tough time right now. Please don't ever think that working more would be you "quitting" on your kids. Lots of people are not cut out to provide full-time care to infants and/or toddlers. That's why we are not all daycare providers! I think there are people who are well-suited to being at home with kids full time, and many who are not - and unfortunately, not everyone gets to match what they're suited for with their reality. Back in the days where nearly all middle-class moms stayed home there were lots of women who were completely miserable but who suffered in silence because that's just what you did. Hence we got the women's movement. I think it's too bad that nowadays there seems to be a bit of a backlash where a lot of people think that every mother should want to stay home and it's a tragedy that we can't all do it.
More to the specifics of your issue - I had a friend who did the part-time thing like you are and she said it was a real nightmare, way too many transitions for her AND the kids, and as tough as working full time was, it worked out better. I really like the idea of adding Wednesday to the mix so that you work three consecutive days during the week and the kids are in their routine for three consecutive days. If you can't get an additional day of work, two days of week would probably be better. Given what you've stated about your search to an answer for your son's health problems, I might hold off on trying to work 40 hours because you might need the time to get him to appointments, evaluations, etc., and that would be hugely stressful with a full-time job.
Good luck - and please remember if you do choose full time work, you're choosing it over staying home, NOT over being a mom. You're a full-time mom whether you're home or working.
Being a SAHM is tough, and it's certainly not for everyone. You were very strong to sacrifice something that meant a lot to you (your career) in order to raise your kids. I work, and I wonder if I should/should have stayed home. I thought I would have liked to stay home, but I think it would be too stressful for me. Ideally, I'd like to work 3 days/week and stay home 2 days. I think whichever route a mom chooses, they always think about the sacrifices that are made. And that's the sad fact - no matter which way you choose, there will be big sacrifices.
DH and I agreed that me working meant additional money to have a better lifestyle, be able to take the kids on trips, drive newer cars so they weren't always breaking down, etc. We also have amazing daycare (another mom from our church - she is phenomenal) that is only $100/week, and then my parents come on Fridays to do daycare. DS (and soon DD, too) is with people that we know keep him safe, cared-for, loved, and happy, and they raise him in the same principles that we would if one of us stayed home.
You could always try going back part time and see how it goes. GL!!
Well to answer your question... I have no desire whatsoever to SAH. I could quit my job right now if I wanted, but I really like my job and I like the balance that I get from working part time.
To me it doesn't sound like you want to work. It sounds to me like you are just overwhelmed being at home with a 3 year old and a newborn. Which is completely understandable, I think most people would be overwhelmed!!
Can you put your 3 year old in full time daycare?
Also, you definetly aren't abondoning your newborn if you put her in daycare. My daughter has been in 3-4 days a week daycare since she was 10 weeks old, and she is a happy, healthy, smart, social little girl.
One last thing... I put my daughter in daycare sometimes on my days off. Then I just sit there and soak in the silence, or watch Lifetime, or get lunch with a friend, or grocery shop, or whatever. That might help you to feel a little more sane right now. How often do you get a true "break" from everything?
I love you ladies. Thank you so much. This has given me much to think about as opposed to continuing to ram my head against the wall. To answer some questions, yes, I am wiped out. I don't get many breaks. DH is wonderful but a mommy's day is never done. My "breaks" are typically reserved for getting stuff done and not actually taking it easy.
I checked with daycare and they can do 5 half days for my son but not for infants. This might actually be a good solution in that I can get quite a bit of work done (I have the option to work from home) with just the baby as she sleeps a TON. I could even pick up my son so that he can nap from home each day. We'll have a break in the mornings from one another where I can work, play with the baby, or read a book for five minutes.
I could also try the two days back to back or add a third. We'll see... Lots to consider. I sincerely appreciate your thoughts and very kind support. Sometimes it feels like only other mamas understand! Truly, thank you!!
They are only sacrifices if you choose to treat your choices as sacrifices. I find that is a very "glass half-empty" way to look at the world, though.
Why is it a sacrifice if I am working full time and my kid is in daycare? If everyone is happy?
I have to agree with Spenji on this one...
I can say with 100% certainty that I have never thought about my life as "sacrificing" anything. My daughter thrives in daycare, she has a great bond with her provider, and I have my evenings and weekends with her, and we have a GREAT time together.
No flames here! I knew from Day 1 that I wasn't meant to be a SAHM. I never planned to be one, and honestly feel like it would be a total waste of my education. I got laid off while on maternity leave and seriously though I was going to go insane until I got a new job. I am one of those people who gets more done when I am running around with my hair on fire, so having all of that spare time at home made me less productive. I also need adult conversation and something to stimulate my mind, neither of which I got as a SAHM.
That being said, I do think as a working mom you often need to find a balance between work and home. My company is very family friendly and offers flexible hours and understanding in the event of a last minute illness or doctor's appointment. Plus, we found a wonderful nanny that LO loves, so I never stress about leaving her in the morning, which is a huge help!
OP, good luck with whatever decision you made, but please know that you are in no way neglecting or quitting your kids by going to work!