Heartbroken for our friends - what to do?

BengalBelle

We have a good group of friends that's in the midst of a baby boom.  Two friends were due this month on October 4 and 31.  October 4th had her baby early a little over a week ago.  Last night, the friend due October 31 went into labor.  Her little girl was still born.  We're all just heartbroken for them.  The showers were over, the nursery is decorated - we were all tailgating together on Saturday (minus the newborn and her mother) and laughing and teasing about how C was next.  October 31 is also her birthday.  Another friend doesn't work full time - she and her husband are heading to the hospital this morning to sit with them.  I don't know what to do.  I don't want to be in their face.  I don't want them to think we're ignoring them.  I want to give her space and I want to give her the biggest hug possible.  What would you do?

CalinsBride

If it were me, I'd go to the hospital. But I would just let her know that I wanted her to know that I'm there for her. I'd listen if she wanted to talk, I'd say very little because there's nothing to say, and if it seems like she wants to be alone, then I'd leave.

AMYfromKY

I started crying reading that.  I cannot imagine losing a baby, especially an almost full-term baby.  I would probably visit her and tell her exactly what you wrote here.  That you are there for them, but only on their terms.  Tell them if they want space that is what you'll give them and if they want someone to lean on and cry you'll be that person too.

rosesandpeonies

how horrible.  thoughts and prayers for them.  I would do something for them, so that they know you are there, but I agree giving them time is a good idea.  I don't know what I would do.  I am so sorry.

ddnicole13

OMG.  I am heartbroken for your friend too.  I can't imagine.  Everyone is different and wants different things during grief.  I would probably want to be left alone but others would feel better with a lot of ppl around them.  Try to think what type of person your friend is.  Somehow let her know you are there for her. Maybe a quick visit after work to say how sorry you are for her.  You'll be able to tell if she wants company or not.  Just stay 5 mins if you feel she wants to be alone - god, I am crying for her right now.  That has to be the hardest thing to deal with.

jenna0627

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend and their loss. Honestly I don't know what the right answer is in a situation like that. I'm sure part of them wants their friends and families surrounding them and another part wants to just be alone. I would call her and ask her if she would like company or if she would prefer you guys bring dinner over one day this week when they are home from the hospital. I'm sure the next few days especially are going to be hard as the deal with a whole different set of arrangements than they had planned. My thoughts and prayes go out to them.

Tomkat8403

I'd go to the hospital or go see her shortly after they come home.

But just know that if she's cold toward you or seems upset that you're there, she's probably not. She's probably still processing everything. I have a friend who lost a baby after he had been in the NICU for almost three months.

They too had the nursery decorated and everything. Talking to her now, she says she wanted people to some see the baby and ooh and ah over him because of perfect and beautiful he was. She still wanted people to see him, and it meant a lot to her that we went up there to visit and tell her how perfect he was.

ladysingstheblues

Oh how sad.  I would go to the hospital.  I'm very sorry for your friend.

BengalBelle

I just got off the phone with B.  He's going to be in that area this morning for something else and is going to swing by and gauge the situation.  I'm going to go on my lunch break unless he calls and says that they very obviously don't want visitors.

I can't stop crying.  I was holding J getting ready to walk out the door when I got the call this morning.  The poor child almost got suffocated I was crying and holding him so hard.  And of course, he didn't know what was going on and kept patting my face and saying, "Uh oh".  Which then made me laugh so it was this terrible hysterical crying laughing jag.

 

kiwi443

Tell them you're there for them and willing to listen. I know when I've gone through trying times I really appreciated the friends who voiced their support - even if I didn't take advantage of it. So many people don't know what to say and therefore stay silent. That can be so hurtful.

blushingbrideoct07

If she is a really really good friend I would go over there, hold her hand and give her a shoulder if she needs to cry.  I would not stay long unless she told me that she wanted me there longer.  

 

Your friend and her family are in my thoughts... 

ivs112

I am so sorry for them. I would hold off on visiting in the hospital though. I'm sure they need this time to themselves or with family. Maybe call the husband and let him know how sorry you are and that you guys are there for them. Tke your cues from him.

jenn_darrin1515

My heart hurts for your friend...I cannot even imagine...everyone here has given good advice...I would go and stay for 5 minutes...longer if she seems to want company...ask what she needs and just be there for her and her dh...and once they are home I would call to check in, offer to bring by dinner, etc.

outnumbered

Please do not show up at the hospital without calling first. My  friend and her husband lost their child at 38 weeks.  They wanted to be alone with their grief.  Just call and ask 'Do you need me?".it is okay to cry.  I cried when i was with my friend.   Buy them some meal gift cards and maybe drop off frozen meals.  When she is home leave her a message and say "I love you and I am here whenever you need me.".  

ETA:  The couple also might want to spend some time alone with their baby and have pictures taken.  Another reason to call first.  I hope you are feeling alright.  I know how upset I was when  it happened to my friend.. 

tanya8

nothing beats a hug from a loved one...i would go to the hospital and just be there for them...theres not much else you can do.

Shayna0182

My little girl was stillborn in May, and one of the things I appreciated most, was a visit to the hospital.  You don't have stay long, just going for even 20 minutes helps.  Also,  just letting them cry on your shoulder, and offering to help with mundane household stuff is a huge help.  like laundry, meals etc . You're such a sweet person for thinking of your friend like that.  I'm very sorry for their loss.

*KC*luvs*RJ*

That is just so heartbreaking.  :-(

I would go to the hospital to be with her and let her know how much you love her.  Then I would tell her that if she needs anything she can call, come over, whatever she needs.  Maybe later (in a month or so) I might give her a small piece of jewelry, like an engraved charm bracelet, with her daughter's name and birth date on it.  Just something special for her to cherish as the years go by.

My thoughts and prayers will be with your friends and their baby girl.

Shayna0182

Here's another one, I assume they'll have to make arrangements for a funeral or memorial service.  You might check with one of their parents or close friends and see if they need any help.  Luckily for us, dh and my mom and aunt made all of Hannah's funeral service and arrangements, but it was nice to not have to talk to anyone and explain anything.  Also, going by the house to make sure there are food in the fridge and no pregnancy books lying around.