I'M Adopted and pregnant - should I inform my birth mother — The Bump
Adoption

I'M Adopted and pregnant - should I inform my birth mother

I wasn't sure who else to ask... we have minimal contact via the adoption agency in Ireland. I wasn't sure whether I should tell her or not .. Any advice?

Re: I'M Adopted and pregnant - should I inform my birth mother

  • I'm a BM but my daughter and I will likely have a very different relationship, and therefore my advice comes more from my heart than experience or anticipation...

    Ask yourself these questions...

    Will she be happy for me?

    Will it matter for her to know to me?

    Will she support me, whether it be financially, emotionally, or other?

    Would she want to know?

    Would you want to know? 

    If the answers are all yes, then maybe you should, but if they are no or you are unsure, it may be a good idea to hold off for a while.

    Congratulations on your pregnancy BTW!!!

  • I think it totally depends on the relationship you have with her. I don't have one (nor do I have the desire) with my bio mother, so I wouldn't seek them out personally. Since you do have contact, I would probably consider it at some point, whether letting her know your pregnant or letting her know you had a baby. I guess I kind of look at it like a possible situation where you'd eventually tell a casual acquaintence or something of that nature, but it isn't critical to do so right away if that makes any sense.

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  • (Edited) 

    Nevermind... clearly i've been misreading everything lately.  Sorry. 

    I would tell her, if it's something you are comfortable doing.  Perhaps (again, if you are comfortable with it) you could send her a picture or other limited information after your little one is born. 

    Boy 10.6.13
    Labored at freestanding birth center using hypnobirthing techniques
    Delivered via csection
  • I don't have a relationship with her to speak of . We mailed one-two letters thru the adoption agency a few years ago I stopped writing when she started asking about my family and upbringing as I didn't want to tell her the truth. I didn't have the fairytale adoptive parents I had the drunken abusive kind, I didn't want her to feel bad. I don't want financial or emtional support . I don't have a desire to have anything more than as is as I don't feel bonded to this person . The reason I asked the question is my SIL asked me (and to be honest hadn't thought before she asked) and made the point that it was her biological grandchild. I worry that my view is cloudy .
  • I should have been clearer I am adopted and I am expecting my first child . I'm sorry for my lack of clarification
  • IMO, it might not be a bad idea to send some sort of letter through the agency to update her on things and let her know you're expecting. You may get a muted response, if any, but you've reached out to her and let her know.

    Just my 2c.

  • It all depends...... You do what you feel good doing. I would want to know but that is just me.
  • Sure.  My BFF's mum was a BM in Ireland and although she has limited contact with her birth daughter, she loves seeing updates, especially of the daughter's child.  I think she'll delight in your joyful news.

     

    Left, Right
  • I honestly don't think you "need" to tell her.  But if you "want" to tell her then yes of course you should.  You are not responsible to tell her anything you don't want her to know but if yall have some sort of relationship it might be nice to let her know, maybe thru a letter.  It's a hard call but you do whats right for you sweetie.  GL!

    "I have four children. Two are adopted. I forget which two. -Bob Constantine

    "All for Love,' a Saviour prayed 'Abba Father have Your way. Though they know not what they do...Let the Cross draw men to You...."

  •    I can somewhat relate. I'm an adult adoptee who also had a childhood very far from a fairy tale. I am very close with my BM. Not because of being adopted but because of my specific situation I consider my BM more of a mom than my AM. I personally became much closer with my BM during pregnancy and since becoming a mom. I don't really know my BF at all. He refuses to admit that I'm his though it's pretty obvious were related. After I had DS2 I sent my BF a letter. We have no relationship at all and I think he's a jerk but I still felt like I wanted him to know that he had biological grandchildren.

        I would consider possible outcomes with telling your BM about being pregnant before you make a decision. I would also think about potential boundries that you may want to set depending on her reaction. How do you think BM will react? Do you think she will want more regular contact with you? Are you ok with that? What if she actually wants to be a grandmother to your child?

      I wouldn't sacrifice your comfort just because you feel obligated to inform your BM of a major life event. If YOU want her to know then tell her but I wouldn't feel obligated to tell her just because she gave birth to you.

    Mom to Angels. Chemical Pregnancies 08/03, 04/04, 10/06, 12/21/10 -Gabriel with us for 6w 5d,BFP 5/25/11 -Jade with us for 5w 3d





    Mom to N 07/08/06, L 07/25/09, and S 05/14/12




    Stepmom to K 02/14/04 and A 12/17/04




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  • Thanks ladies for all the advice I have decided to wait till after the LO is born , right now I'm hormonal and not sure if that is also clouding my judgement . When I got married I didn't even think of informing her
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