DD won't say sorry.. lots of drama

ArcticFox

Anyone else having this problem?

There are a few times DD has done something bad and she will NOT apologize.  Like got carried away and smacked DH, and today she pushed her little sister down.

So I calmly walked her to a time out chair.  Then I told her she would have to say she was sorry and we could leave.

It turned into probably an hour of her crying, burying her face, on and on.  I kept telling her all kinds of stuff (like how sometimes things happen by accident and we have to say sorry, or "remember how your friend said sorry for bumping you with a toy").  She seemed upset with herself but I have a feeling she is frustrated and angry at her little sister (for always taking toys and so on).

Any thoughts or suggestions?  The part that stinks is that it is an hour of my day that just drags out, it is so awful and time consuming!  I just want her to say sorry and be done with it!!!!!!!

roseroseroseroserose

I'd give her choices.  "You can either tell your sister you are sorry or hug her to show her you are sorry." 

mulrooney

My DD does this as well sometimes. It is the worst when it involves her sister as well. I just continue the time outs until she is ready to apologize. Our record is 3 in a row - so 9 minutes of time out. I don't engage her for a long time in between. She gets a chance to say sorry, then a reminder that if she doesn't, then she will go back in time out. Same with how the initial timeout doesn't get a lot of engagement.

I find that once she gets crying like that, she can't listen to anything so I try to give her time to calm down. Once she does say sorry, she gets lots of hugs & kisses from me & I make sure we do something all together to reinforce that they can play nicely together. 

 I've also had DD2 (11 months) "say sorry" for taking toys or hair pulling, etc to keep it fair. Not that she gets a timeout - it is just a show for DD1 but it seems to make an impact. It is tough! these DD's can be very stubborn!

jlw2505

I have to agree with "you can't force it thought and to give options of showing you are sorry.  Kids don't always understand what sorry means and why they are saying it but offering the choice of saying sorry or giving a hug might work - it let's her feel in control and yet she is still showing that she is sorry even if she doens't use the words.  She will be way to upset to have you explain it to her then and that whole process will just make her more upset.  When my girls get that upset and can't even reason anymore, excessive times outs don't do anyone any good.  I tend to take the child that is upset/in time out into a room with no one else and either let them be and scream, kick the bed and get the tantrum done with and simple tell them to come join us when they are ready to be nice and then we move on.  It is sort of a time out but not using it as a punishment, just as a cool down for everyone.  An hour in time out for what you describe seems excessive and pointless to me.  When you child is calm and the matter has passed, explain why we say sorry - use it as a lesson and not as a punishment in the heat of the moment.

neverblushed

When my kids were little, they would occasionally be stubborn about saying sorry.  I tried not to make too much of a big deal out of them saying the actual words, at least not right away, when they're in the heat of the moment.

While I think apologizing, and knowing how to make a sincere apology, is an important skill, I don't want my kids to learn to think that saying "I'm sorry" is a moral cure-all.  I have high school students who think it's okay to say and/or do completely horrid things, and then sweep it under the rug with a blythe "Oh, sorry!" the minute they're called out on their behavior.

So, when they were younger and less rational, I did not insist that my kids force the words "I'm sorry" out right away.  Often, when they had a chance to reflect on how they'd hurt the other person, the apology would come in its own time.  If I forced them to say it right away, my kids (esp. DD for some reason) would get her back up about it and go silent on me.

JMay

I also agree with the hugging thing.  Sometimes "showing" remorse is much easier for little ones than verbalizing it, even when they know the words.  Always works for my DD anyway.  Now, getting them to understand that being sorry means "not doing it again", well there's a whole new challenge altogether!

MrsAmers

neverblushed:

When my kids were little, they would occasionally be stubborn about saying sorry.  I tried not to make too much of a big deal out of them saying the actual words, at least not right away, when they're in the heat of the moment.

While I think apologizing, and knowing how to make a sincere apology, is an important skill, I don't want my kids to learn to think that saying "I'm sorry" is a moral cure-all.  I have high school students who think it's okay to say and/or do completely horrid things, and then sweep it under the rug with a blythe "Oh, sorry!" the minute they're called out on their behavior.

So, when they were younger and less rational, I did not insist that my kids force the words "I'm sorry" out right away.  Often, when they had a chance to reflect on how they'd hurt the other person, the apology would come in its own time.  If I forced them to say it right away, my kids (esp. DD for some reason) would get her back up about it and go silent on me.

This.  We have never forced DD to say that she's sorry.  We model it for her when we apologize and talk about what she did/how it made the other person feel.

She has started saying I'm sorry on her own.

Also, we don't do additive timeouts.  She gets her timeout for what she did, we talk about what she did and then we move on.  Trying to mold her behavior when she's already upset is just going to make her more upset, and I'm not wild about punishing a child based on their feelings and emotions.  The emotions are valid, it is how they are being expressed that you are trying to correct.

Dulaney

I am a preschool teacher. We don't force kids to apologize because they don't understand what it means. What I do with my preschoolers is have the other child(the victim)  tell them what they didn't like, "I don't like it when you hit me because it hurts" or "I don't like it when you say that because it makes me sad" etc. Then I have the other child (the troublemaker) say, " I won't hit you again" or "I won't say I don't like you again." Surprisingly, it's pretty hard for them to do because they understand the actions they did, and saying they won't do it again makes them accountable.